Does you SO block all discussions with "I can't do anything right... "

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm having a rough day.

I feel like I'm stuck.  Can't be myself, I have to be as invisible and small as possible in my own home.

Last night, I was sitting outside.  W was putting D to bed. D started having a meltdown and started crying pretty loudly.  Normally I'd walk in to see what's going on and to make sure my D knew I was there for her.  This would always turn into a HUGE blowup between W and I.

So last night I tried something else.  I stayed outside and let them work it out.  It crushed my heart to sit there, not doing anything.  It's a feeling I'm still stuck with today.

The problem is, I feel I can't discuss it with the wife because it will surely turn into "I'm a piece of hit mom, I can never do anything right, you think everything is my fault, why are you still with me if everything I all do is always wrong, etc".

Or the latest alternative "You're a bad father and it's your fault D cries all the time".

HELP!

[SKyDancer]

I'm having a rough day.

I feel like I'm stuck.  Can't be myself, I have to be as invisible and small as possible in my own home.

Last night, I was sitting outside.  W was putting D to bed. D started having a meltdown and started crying pretty loudly.  Normally I'd walk in to see what's going on and to make sure my D knew I was there for her.  This would always turn into a HUGE blowup between W and I.

So last night I tried something else.  I stayed outside and let them work it out.  It crushed my heart to sit there, not doing anything.  It's a feeling I'm still stuck with today.

The problem is, I feel I can't discuss it with the wife because it will surely turn into "I'm a piece of hit mom, I can never do anything right, you think everything is my fault, why are you still with me if everything I all do is always wrong, etc".

Or the latest alternative "You're a bad father and it's your fault D cries all the time".

HELP!

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[SKyDancer]

No one else?

[MissyM]

Yes, any complaint is met with "you think I am just a piece of s***!"  There is no ability to separate themselves form their actions.  If they do something wrong, they are wrong.  This is in some of the books I have read, not sure if it is in the lessons.

[guitarguy09]

My wife will do this a lot. She will say "I know, I can't do anything right and I suck" if I try to give her some constructive criticism. That is why I always meter out the dose of criticism at a time and try to approach her in a gentle way about it. "I suck, what else is new" is also a common one I hear.

[nomadicsoul]

Man this is tough, I've been there sssoo many times. Now I simply try and set a foundation that I'm gonna share my feelings. And those are feelings not facts, but if you get offended then that's your deal. The main problem with my wife is she does not want to take responsibility for HER feeelings. So in comes the projection/defensive posture. I sent up the white flag-good luck to you tho. For me its easier to let go now than hang on. A 180 not sure when it happened... .

NS

[SKyDancer]

I feel better, in a feel worse kind of way, knowing I'm not the only one.

How can you build a strong relationship and household if you can never discuss and address anything?

It's either never their fault and when you push hard enough, then everything that ever happened is their fault and you never did anything wrong.

I can't count how many times I've heard "it's all me, you do nothing wrong".  Then a week later I'm told "you think it's all my fault and I can never do anything right and nothing is ever good enough for you".

[MissyM]

Or the one I love, "I have done everything to make you happy and it just doesn't work!"  Everything?  Cheated on me, blame me for your problems, rage at me, and refuse to help with the kids.  Yeah, everything!

[Grey Kitty]

Been there. 

In my case, being told what I think (and getting it wrong) is one of my buttons.

On a bad day (for me) it can soon turn into me shouting ":)on't tell me what a !#@!ing think!"

OK, it isn't a productive way to handle this situation   

Understanding it as projection helps me--We do have a workshop on that here, but the short version is that she feels these things about herself, and doesn't like those feelings, so she projects them onto me.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

I find it really hard to validate in these situations. Often the best I can do is disengage and not make things worse... . and that is a victory in itself.

Hang in there!

 GK

[an0ught]

Hi SKyDancer,

pwBPD can be pretty harsh critics of themselves. Their view of the world is distorted in a big way and that includes themselves.

Now directly handling these self image issues is probably mostly out of our reach.

What can we do?

 - validating that she is struggling

 - validating that she is not happy with how things go

 - validate that she fells overwhelmed

 - validate that she feels judged (probably by her own inner critic but no point it pointing that out)

Generally it also would help if she would not judge others too harsh as this backfires on her self esteem. But tacking that is probably also out of reach at this point in time. A start may be at times when she is receptive enough point out the duality of things using SET to tone down the b&w thinking.

So last night I tried something else.  I stayed outside and let them work it out.  It crushed my heart to sit there, not doing anything.  It's a feeling I'm still stuck with today.

Of course if you believe you must intervene do so decisively. Otherwise it may be good to leave her some room. Showing respect may quite helpful in building up her self image as she likely will have weak boundaries and can easily feel dominated by your strength.

[empath]

My h and I hit a spot where we actually had to talk about and work through an area that causes him to feel stressed and overwhelmed (along with irresponsible). It wasn't something that I could just validate his feelings; we had to talk about the things that were causing problems and work toward a solution. He had some outside motivation to do this, but it was still really emotionally difficult for him.

So, I started by recognizing and validating his emotions around the area. I also said that we had to address these areas in a productive way by talking about them. When he would start getting defensive, I would just say 'you seem a bit defensive' -- then we would go a bit deeper emotionally. My goal remained the same -- addressing the problem (it was the area that is most affected by his dysregulated behavior).

He often feels either black or white about a situation -- either all good or all bad. The "I can't do anything right... . " has come up many, many times in our conversations. As well as the flip, "you never do anything wrong... . " He isn't okay with 'grey' -- it is largely black and white in his world, and if things change in any way, it can go from white to black. It is difficult for him to adjust his thinking to new situations or modify his behavior.

Nowadays, I recognize it for either projection or an expression of his own self-image (that whole unstable self-image). I just feel so sad for him. I also know that it isn't my 'fault' or responsibility; I can respond in better ways or worse ways.

[SKyDancer]

That's amazing Empath.

That pretty much describes every conversations we've had.  It's either "I can't do anything right, ever" or "it's not you, it's me. You're perfect".

Impossible to make any progress on building a strong committed and trusting relationship.

[Stalwart]

Bou do I feel for you on this one. Apart from the spending my wife is a hoarder. Everything she buys goes everywhere, except away somewhere. When you get slob meets organization freak it tends to be stressful. Both her therapist and I try to encourage better behaviours, maybe write down one thing each day to accomplish etc... . There are a lot of stick notes on the living room table beside her gaming computer but that just creates another cleanup job  .

I don't have any great expectations from it. The odd time she does dig into something I'll praise and encourage it but I have to admit that doesn't take up a lot of my time. I wait until I can't take it any longer, roll up the sleeves and get to it. Most times I did it wrong but hey - I did it.

We have learned in a way to share other work, I cook and do dishes, she does laundry and cleans up after the dogs. I got a housecleaner once a week to help out because I was finding it too much to do that as well.

It comes down to some days that have small gains and learning to cope with climbing over jewelry, shoes and new clothes and the stuff in her walk in closet that's actually an 18 X 24 room.

Honestly, I don't have a better answer, small steps I guess.

[Stalwart]

"Or the one I love, "I have done everything to make you happy and it just doesn't work!"  Everything?  Cheated on me, blame me for your problems, rage at me, and refuse to help with the kids.  Yeah, everything!"  Do I hear this one loud and clear Missy.

I always divert her "I can't do anything... . " situation. I assess the thing that needs to be done, or wasn't done or done wrong and start out with, "Everytime I do that I screw up, it amazes me sometimes how  you manage to even start to tackle it". Even if it wasn't right, done or done wrong she takes it as a compliment and I'll find within the next couple of days it will be done right, done or revisited. Is it her way to say she can do it better than me? I'm not sure, but it works and she feels good about it rather than starting the age old beginning of doing anything with a rage fit and not doing it at all. If she does revisit it I make sure I compliment her work and say "You see I never would have thought of doing it that way - great job!"

Even in a situation when she probably hasn't acted appropriately with a grand child by saying something or creating a questionable situation I'll talk about how much the kid's love her, listen to her every word and value what she says, not the situation at hand. It seems to challenge her on her own to do better and she reacts in a possitive way. It certainly wasn't always like that before I understood what was wrong with her because I would always react to not doing anything or something wrong in a typical negative manner and sometimes a bit sarcastically. That doesn't work at all. That just gets the safety clip flipped off the ignition button for the nuclear missle to launch.

Small changes I guess.

[empath]

One of the things I appreciate about these forums is knowing that other people are having these conversations, too. I can read someone's post, and think to myself "wow, we've had those same discussions." Support, and maybe learning a better pattern.

[gotbushels]

Or the one I love, "I have done everything to make you happy and it just doesn't work!"  Everything?  Cheated on me, blame me for your problems, rage at me, and refuse to help with the kids.  Yeah, everything!

Thanks for this. Totally related. Keeping a list like this really helps me stay detached and prevents my gf from Guilting me out when I'm feeling emotional. I forgot all her problems momentarily while trying to regulate myself amidst all her blaming... . she listed all the things she's "done for me": eg. 'forgiving me' for telling my mom that she hit me when she broke up with me. I didn't bring in her s*** list because I didn't want to judge her and have another destructive discussion. I feel if I judged her she'd be further down than the 20th level of hell. Thank God I had time to think.