Finding healthy outlets for frustrations?

[panchito]

Hi again,

I'm actually going thru a very hard time on my job. I'm being submited to a lot of pressure, and as a Coordinator/Supervisor on a small company I'm asked to cope with situations and decisions from the company ceo's that are totally against my values and also only contribute to worsen our service quality. Accordingly I`m feeling a lot of frustration and perhaps getting somewat depressed. Besides I'm allways being phoned after my working hours, unnecessarily. I'm burned out but I cannot quit my job, of course! I need the money while I'm also searching for a new job... . No luck until now!

However, as we allready saw on this post we cannot count on our spouses compreension or support. In fact, if anything she will criticise me because "this happens on all jobs" and invalidate my feelings and complaints. Although when she was working she was allways coplainning about everithing on her job (she is currently unnemployed)!.

Well, but at the end of the day, what I would like with this post is to ask what techniques you guys use to vent down and cope with the fact that the person with which you spend most of your time will only do her best to ensure you feel worse that you do?

Thanks

Francis

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[panchito]

Thanks Waverider! (for moving the post) Much better this way. Good title by the way.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey panchito, it's definitely not an easy road when your spouse, who you'd normally expect to be your greatest support, isn't supportive or understanding of your position when you're stressed or down. Everybody wants to be heard, understood, validated, and it can be a big source of frustration if not.

Whatever your spouse thinks or feels, that's her thing -- you don't have to own it. You see the pattern, that she is likely to criticize, right? Maybe you can't change that but you can change how you take it and maybe even change what you say to begin with? I know there are some things that I choose not to discuss with my BPDgf, instead they are things I discuss with other friends because I know that she will not have any valuable input. I also understand that our discussions are not symmetric, as I don't necessarily expect empathy and validation when I voice my problems and concerns, but I will offer them to her when she voices her problems and concerns.

When she gets on me about something, I usually try to voice that I understand where she's coming from, that her feelings make sense under the circumstances (even if she's wrong about the facts, but she thinks they are right) and then I try to let it go because often there is no point to arguing or prolonging the discussion.

I have other friends and my own hobbies and interests beyond what I share with my BPDgf. I'm thinking these go a long way to helping navigate the BPD waters?

[FigureIt]

I would find a friend or family member. I have both who support and listen. Today my co-worker friend left me a donut this am to help me this week. It felt great!  And my mom listens to everything and never judges me!

[gotbushels]

I try and take 20 minutes when I'm home from work to de-aggro myself because I am edgy with my BPDgf if I don't and it's not fair on either of us. She's not responsible for why my boss gave me a 2am... . so it's not fair to take it out on her and expect support... . *especially* if she has BPD... . I think we have to come to realise that those relationships where you as a spouse comes home every day for a few weeks after getting hammered by work to the loving wife are not our lives... . not right now perhaps... .

I try and encourage her to do the same... . unwind if she needs to first... .

I'd make sure to take breathers and get your own space. Don't really count on her to rejuvenate you. She may throw her BPD at you. If she doesn't let you go unwind... . do an empathetic SET and pick one of the detachment options... . Worked just 2 weeks ago... . you still have your right to your physical and emotional needs. If she can't meet them, then getting it alone is better... .

If I need to de-stress, I try go for walks, watch some TV, spoil myself with a great restaurant meal (easiest one to do) or get lots of sleep and go for gym... . my friends play computer games but I feel that stresses me out more than relaxes me... .

Also during breaks at work I will try BPD techniques myself like breathing and meditation-style stuff in the park for 10 minutes without looking like a freak... . every little bit helps... .

Stay well watered as well like a plant... . you can't do anything dried up... .

[Chosen]

Hi panchito 

Your situation certainly sounds frustrating, and one that I can relate to.  In fact, there were many times when I tried to vent about work and uBPDh just expresses that HIS problems at work are bigger, that it's more "high-leveled".  I think to some extent they belittle all our problems because when they need validation themselves they are the centre of the universe. 

When I feel frustrated, I like to come here to remind myself that I'm not in this alone.  Many people on this site have almost the exact experiences as you and I (sometimes even the things our pwBPDs say are the same), and to be honest, you may get more validation here than at home.

Also, I'd probably lie low when I'm with my pwBPD, i.e. let him know that I'm a bit upset, don't go into details (to avoid him justifying how my frustrations are nothing), and leave it at that.  I think it's important for them to know we're not in the best place emotionally, or else they will think we are hiding, but at the same time not to explain it to them and try to get them to validate, because a lot of times they just can't do that.

[Stalwart]

Healthiest solution I have for all the frustrations we both share Ponchito is to hang a bag in the garage, put on the gloves and go punch the crap out of it.

You feel great later 

[panchito]

Healthiest solution I have for all the frustrations we both share Ponchito is to hang a bag in the garage, put on the gloves and go punch the crap out of it.

You feel great later 

 

Thank you all. You helped me. Eventually, only the fact that one feels he's not alone in his living experiences with the BPD makes you feel better all along.

Maybe what makes it more difficult to me is that not only I cannot count on her to ear and validate my frustrations and sadnesses as I also have to be resilient enough to bear her unjustified bad moods, bad actittude and sometimes offenses against me, while I'm already feelig more sensitive and fragile... .

It can be really overwellming sometimes and it takes a lot not to get depressed and no to feel miserable.

I'm actually on this forum "Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline" and writing posts like this one to try and find a way to better cope with my BPD. But there is a voice inside me that gets lowder everyday which asks me what am I still doing with this person. I'm 40 years old and I do not what to feell like this for the rest of my life... .

Whish you all the best.

Francis

[reluctanthusband]

LOL Gardening for me.  It is physically exausting it calms me down and I don't have to think much about it.  Tomatoes dont black/white/crazy make!  We enjoy healthy organic food so that helps.  I get beat up about it for "being out there all the time"  well if the atmosphere inside the house was a little more inviting I may want to be inside more.  I hate it, but it is literally my main form of therapy and I can think of worse things to be doing when I am upset.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Hi Panchito,

I feel that I am going through the same situation as you. Having to cope with the pressures at work, and going home to face another set of issues. I realize that what helps for others or me, may not apply to you. Eventually I understood that I needed to find what helps me, no one can do that for me. There are many resources out there, I would like to share below that I recently found and it is something that I am trying:

www.emedia.rmit.edu.au/communication/

Although it is meant for university students coping with their stresses while studying, I felt it is applicable to handling stress and learning the skills to cope. Do not beat yourself up if you find it doesn't help, there are other methods. This is my take, we all have many thoughts and emotions. Sometimes we are not able to grasp them, understand them, acknowledge them, and the result is inducing more negativeness and stress, and that impairs our well being, psychologically and physically, in short making it worse.

I'm actually going thru a very hard time on my job. I'm being submitted to a lot of pressure

The above statement, if I may comment, gives me the impression that you have expectations that it is unreasonable having to face these pressures, because it is giving you a hard time. That is a fair expectation, but it can lead to unhappiness because I think we all have a belief that we should not be subjected to unreasonable pressures. But the fact is that most will, and if we continue that thought, it leads to further stress and unhappiness. A more positive track, may be "I recognize that this is making me frustrated and depressed, it is ok for me to feel this way. It's also possible my company trusts and depends on me to solve the problems, because no one else is capable. Maybe I will find a time to let him know about the difficulties I am facing working on these problems and share my ideas for improvement". He/she may not accept your feedback well, but you are doing something about it and understand that the problem is not all yours to bear. The primary feeling is that of frustration and stress, challenge is not to add secondary feelings to it; the consequences of your primary feelings.