Silent Treatment or Cordial, to regain her interest?

[kfifd196]

Hi,

So, I want to start by saying thank you for reading this and my other posts.  I appreciate everyone's advice, but to be 100% honest, I want my relationship to work out, regardless of the abuse.  I have a 10 month old and I my wife is my soulmate and I want to be there for her for better or worse.  I understand everyone says, don't walk away, RUN!  But that is not my desire... .

     That said, my wife filed for divorce a month ago and doesn't want to discuss reconciling for whatever reason.  She had a TRO against me for that and dropped it, as long as I don't bring up reconciling.  So, what can I do to lure her back to wanting to talk?  Silent treatment?  I will have to pick up\drop off our daughter at times, as we await the process.  Should I barely acknowledge her and not discuss even the baby or be friendly and cordial and still, not discuss anything, just smile hello and good bye?  I want her to want me again, but don't know how to go about it with a BPD... . We were soulmates until she turned me black... . I'm quite certain she expects me to be pissed off about the restraining order.  (At least I saw it coming and knew it was part of the BPD "Script", thanks to posts I've read and Walking on Eggshells)  Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Surnia]

Hi kfifd

I am sorry to hear about your situation, facing a possible divorce and a dropped TRO, this is all really tough.

The hard thing is, you cannot force her to talk with you. I would not go into silent treatment. It would make things worse and that not what you want for long term. You want reconcile and you have a daughter together, so in one way or other you have to find a way to communicate.

I would stay friendly and wait for a moment you can say, Hey, ... . , is it possible to have a talk?

Stay strong, kfifd.

Being positive and make a rs work is the goal here on the staying board. No run messages. 

[itgirl]

Will Silent Treatment bring your wife back?  Perhaps, perhaps not. There has to be some desire to reconcile inside your wife.  Silent Treatment will not create that desire, but it may bring any underlying doubts they have to the surface.

That said I do not think that Silent Treatment should be the approach when dealing with a pwBPD.  And since you have a child together no contact isnt really an option anyway. 

I would not push her in any direction or force her to make a decision right now.  Be there for her and be the man she fell in love with.

[an0ught]

I would not push her in any direction or force her to make a decision right now.  Be there for her and be the man she fell in love with.

Good point. You don't need to discuss reconciliation at this point in time. Not sure it matters much whether you discuss it or not. Your behavior matters however a lot and your emotions transfer easily to her. Getting back from the panic state to the state you were when you felt better is important as itgirl pointed out.

Are there things you can do - not all the time but for a little time - that totally take your mind of her drama?