Dialouge... Sound Familiar? Anyone else hear this stuff?

[Boisnix79]

Hello All, well I last left our family here by acting a bit cocky and saying... . Im going NC and falling of the boards... .

Well about 72 hrs after that post I was back in contact... . and I cant even blame it all on here cause I was missing her and felt so alone and weak.

SO now here we are months later and I'm about as confused as I could possibly be... .

1. She cannot let go of anything... . she has an obsessive drive to make me the one at fault... . even if it would make sense to just let the situation go... . she cant. She comes over and I can see it in her eyes and finally it burtsts out

Her: "youre sorry about last night right?"

Me: If I do anything other than take full responsibility for the fight she will not let it go. So I say soemthing lke

"Yes I'm sorry for my part in it, it was really not nice of me"

Her: "But I didnt do anything"

Me: "Well you could have said XXX differently, no?"

Her: YELLING NOW "SEE, SEE you always do this, you sneak it in there that its my fault"

Me: "Honey, I'm not saying its your FAULT, its just that we could have both acted differently"

HER: "You always do this, youre a liar. It's not my fault, I didnt do ANYthing wrong!"

ME: "Ok honey, I'm sorry. Youre right. I see what you mean now... . "

HER: "Youre just saying that"

ME: " No babe I mean it. Its all my fault. All the fights this weekend are"

HER: "And youre sorry?"

ME: "Of Course!"

2 HOURS LATER_

HER: "Are you sure you understand, and you wont do it again?"

ME: "Yes Babe, I did X and X and I could have said X"

HER: " OK"

3 HOURS LATER_

Her: " I feel like you dont understand that Sunday was not my fault"

ME: " Honey, please, come on! Let it go. You really could have done X and X but I see my part was bigger and made you feel terrible, and Im sorry"

HER: YELLING (Eyes huge and dialated, voice VERY raised, maybe Manic? Not sure:

" SEE I TOLD YOU! YOU LIED, YOU SAID IT WAS YOUR FAULT AND NOW YOU SAY I STARTED IT! NOW ITS ME, I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE. YOURE SO UNSTABLE. "


ME: TWO OPTIONS HERE

1. "Babe Im sorry i always try to get out of it but I know its my fault! Im so sorry. "

2. " Ok I cant do this, please leave. This is too much"


NEither option does any long term good...

What the hell is going on? Anyone else deal with this, is this even BPD?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Life seems harder than it ever has been and my childhood was crappy. LOL

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cloudy Days]

Those seem like very BPD responses to me. No matter how much reassurance you give her she doesn't believe you. Yep, I've had many conversations like that.

However I think you need to let go of her seeing that her part in it was equal. It would be easier to not take responsibility either and just say.

Her:"Your sorry about last night right?"

You: "You still seem to be upset about last night, Yes I am sorry it happened"

Her: "I didn't do anything to cause it"

You: "Are you feeling like you caused it?"

Questioning how she feels about it can give you a little more to work with so you can validate her feelings on the matter. You don't have to say that you caused all of it to get her to calm down, especially if you know it wasn't your fault. But getting her to see her part in it isn't going to help you either. It looks like she is feeling shame over the fight and she isn't going to take responsibility for it. You asking her to take responsibility for it just causes you more pain. You know your truth, you don't really need her to see it too. By the time you get to the end of your conversations she is deregulated and it's probably best to just take a break until she calms down.

It's true, life does seem harder, my childhood was crappy too and I've never ever thought anything could be this hard. It's exhausting.

[Cloudy Days]

It's sort of important to know that you shouldn't accept responsibility for something you didn't do. Have you read through any of the workshops? There are ways of Validating how she feels about stuff and not taking personal responsibility for what she is upset about. It's hard to do at first but the more you do it the easier it becomes.

[Boisnix79]

Thanks so much for the additional communication, I like asking a question like you suggested.

It seems like I'm the one learning all the tools in this relationship and taking the brunt of everything... .

Is that pretty much the gist of it? LOL

Do you feel like you don't have the strength to leave, OR do you feel like you truly dont want to leave... . ?

[an0ught]

It seems like I'm the one learning all the tools in this relationship and taking the brunt of everything... .

Learning the skills is learning how to avoid taking the brunt.

Validation -> let her deal with her emotions

Boundaries -> consequences fall mostly on her side

It really takes a while to get a handle on them but every minute learning and practicing pays back. Not just in your romantic relationship but in any relationship.

[Chosen]

Hi Boisnix79 

Are you me?  I swear I've had the exact conversation dozens of times!

Let me tell you my personal experience in how my reaction changed:

1. At first, I would not say sorry.  As you can tell, it escalated, him calling me names, saying I'm not repentant, should be ashamed of myself... .

2. Then, I would break down and accept ALL blame.  So he would respond by adding to my shame and saying of course I was completely wrong.  And he would cause me to break down in tears.  Then he would be satisfied, and I'll feel like dirt.

3. Now, I try to own up to my part but that's it.  And I will not be using that moment to say what my pwBPD did wrong (black and white thinking, remember?  If you're saying they did something wrong, they will assume you're accusing them being completely wrong).  So if I were you I would probably go:

"Yes I'm sorry for my part in it, it was really not nice of me"

Her: "But I didnt do anything"

Me: You are right, I should not have reacted in that way.  I was wrong and I'm sorry for losing my temper.

Her: "I didn't deserve it you know!  I was right!  I didn't do anything wrong!"

Me: (even though she could have acted differently, she didn’t respond well either) "I didn't behave very well and I lost my temper.  I’ll do it differently next time.” 

Basically I’ll just stick to my part in the business and accept the “blame”.  I won’t mention how they’re wrong (not the time to do so, even if you want to bring it up), and I will just keep on repeating the same thing over and over.  Eventually it will sink in, they won’t be 100% happy, because you are not accepting all the blame, but that doesn’t matter because they’ll at least stop escalating.  It also helps a lot if I were using a calm manner. 

[Cloudy Days]

It seems like I'm the one learning all the tools in this relationship and taking the brunt of everything... .

Is that pretty much the gist of it? LOL

Do you feel like you don't have the strength to leave, OR do you feel like you truly dont want to leave... . ?

These are one sided relationships, your not going to get out of it what you put in it. But if you do decide you are staying, then the tools can make a big difference in your quality of life. But it takes some time to get results. Your going to fail a few times, it's just hard to think of this stuff in the moment. But you learn too, you learn what works with your spouse and what doesn't. You learn how to communicate better which is something I struggled with. It's hard to do but everything is hard when dealing with BPD. You have to learn to let go of what she thinks of you. You have to learn that it is ok for her to think you are wrong sometimes. I've learned a lot of self love and compassion for me in this process. If you are ok with who you are then you don't need to keep picking up the arguments to feel right. 

Honestly, I think it's a little bit of both. I don't have the strength to leave and I just don't quite want to yet. Not really sure what is holding me back. But I do love my husband, I wouldn't learn all this stuff if I didn't. 

[Boisnix79]

Basically I’ll just stick to my part in the business and accept the “blame”.  I won’t mention how they’re wrong (not the time to do so, even if you want to bring it up), and I will just keep on repeating the same thing over and over.  Eventually it will sink in, they won’t be 100% happy, because you are not accepting all the blame, but that doesn’t matter because they’ll at least stop escalating.  It also helps a lot if I were using a calm manner. 

Chosen, Wow. Its amazing ow similar this is... . I mean just 2 hours ago she was not 100% happy but she acceoted it enough to move on... . And I think after she was impressed with how I handled her... . Like she actually knows its a problem but cannot accept it... .

It must be so difficult for her to have a brain that thinks this way... . incongruent with most people... . I have compassion for and for me now... . For the longest time I just fought and tried to make her seeeeee that we both ahve fault... .

So youre saying they really cant see that, ya?

[Boisnix79]

These are one sided relationships, your not going to get out of it what you put in it. But if you do decide you are staying, then the tools can make a big difference in your quality of life.

Wow this is really deep insight for me... . I'm soo grateful for all of you... .

Ive been trying to make this "fair"... . the truth is shes a pretty amazing girl in many ways... . and for now shes worth this training.

[Boisnix79]

SO, after learning the responses like taking responsibility for just my part and not pointing out what she does... .

What else in my relationship is happening to cause issues that are in my blind spot?

What are a few more of the major issue you guys have with your SO as a result of their BPD?

Thanks so much

[Cloudy Days]

I actually learned that I am very Codependent; If you have not looked it up I suggest you do so. It was eye opening for me and how I affect the relationship dynamic. It's really not all them, but a combination of two dysfunctional people who don't quite get what is going on.

Staying calm is a biggie. My husband has PTSD and anytime I raise my voice in any way even if we aren't arguing about something he gets triggered. It's hard to stay calm but it helps and it give you some power back. Because you don't have to react like they react, you can learn to breath and let things go.

[Chosen]

Boisnix79,

I think they do know when they have done certain things wrong (e.g. hurled abuses at us).  They're not idiots and they're not stupid.  BUT... . they minds are so wired that (1) they will either feel it's justified that they say those things because we were loud/ wrong/ whatever; and remember, if you even had 1% to be blamed in all of this they split you to black (so they will remain white.  I think it's a self-preservation thing rather them being evil).  OR, (2) they will accuse you of trying to put all the blame on them because you bring up their faults.  Again, it is due to the spitting.

I don't think at that point they are able to see "both parties didn't handle it well".  When they're not dysregulated, some high-functioning ones (like mine) can see it.  But when dysregulated, it's black or white. 

Before I learnt about BPD, I really thought I was going crazy, and actually my self-confidence totally disappeared.  I feared each and every word I say may lead to him exploding.  Then I came here and I know that it isn't about me.  Yes, we have to learn not to add fuel to the fire, and to detect triggers to their dysregulation, but we also have to know that we can't understand their "arguments" in a logical way.  We can't talk them out with our pwBPDs.  Because usually what they're fighting about comes from somewhere deep down and has little to do with the actual incident.  I have also learnt that sometimes life isn't perfect; when I react in the "correct" and "helpful" way they won't calm down right away, and they will not appreciate me.  But I have to be the emotionally stable one and lead the situation.

[Boisnix79]

Chosen, thank you so much. Just to know other people have gone through this is amazing. Last ngith was the first time that I full on took responsibility for my part in the situation but DID not say it was all my fault.

I think the think that was hurting me soo much were the words like: always, fault, ALL, every, it was so frustrating because so obviously not true. Anytime I'd try to logic it away I was destroyed emotionally and exhausted.

Its so interesting to have this strategy and gives me hope for myself and for US.

I love her, and I'm also exhausted with just how lopsided this relationship is. I've finally learned to stay calm after 13 months. Pat me on the back Yay