The personal benefits of being married to my BPDw

[Samuel S.]

Yeah, there are personal benefits of being married to my BPDw who is so selfish and has been demeaning when she is in a foul mood. While I validate and listen to her, I have always been and will continue to be validating, listening, helpful to others as well. In turn, my side benefit has been to be validated, listened to, helped, and inspired. I just wish my BPDw would be more around more so, but she is choosing to be the way she is.

Have there been personal benefits for you being with your BPD?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[empathic]

Good thread. Let's see... .

I have gained a better understanding of people in general, and PDs in particular.

I appreciate people who are genuinely friendly towards me more.

I have become more social, as my wife has many people in her circles.

Those are the ones that come to mind right now.

[Wrongturn1]

An excellent thread indeed.  A few of the benefits I have experienced:

1) Learning about BPD and radically accepting my uBPDw's condition have put me more in touch with reality.  Instead of seeing the world as I wish that it were, I see the world more as it actually is, which to me is a benefit.

2) As an engineer and a technical/logical person, for a long time, I did not comprehend how people's emotions affect their behaviors.  Understanding BPD has given me a better knowledge of how the emotional realm works, and the concept of validation has been very helpful in dealing with everyone in my life, not just those people with emotional issues.

3) I'll admit that while I was in college, I was somewhat of a porn enthusiast.  uBPDw steered me away from that while I was in my 20's, and I'm glad she did b/c I now see that was not a healthy thing for me.  So even her insecurities worked for my benefit in that case.

I'll think about this some more and might post additional items later.

[Love Is Not Enough]

An excellent thread indeed.  A few of the benefits I have experienced:

1) Learning about BPD and radically accepting my uBPDw's condition have put me more in touch with reality.  Instead of seeing the world as I wish that it were, I see the world more as it actually is, which to me is a benefit.

+100!

Enthusiast! That is a good one. Thanks for the laugh   Unfortunately I have had to return to, ahem, that enthusiast activity recently as I am not receiving much in the way of physical intimacy anymore. Oh well.

I think my biggest benefit of being in this LTR has been my own personal growth. I have overcome depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I have figured out many of my own FOO issues and have accepted a ton of things while finding peace. I figure I have survived hell and I can take just about anything life can throw at me at this point. I am better at dealing with people in all aspects of my life and have been much better about setting healthy boundaries with everyone. It amazes me how the best thing in your life can come out of the worst.

So for the folks out there that are deep in despair, there is light. Just keep working at finding it. There is hope.

[Hope26]

I think it has helped me to become stronger emotionally.  It has gotten me back into the examination of psychology.  I'm learning to identify and understand some of these illnesses like PD's that had not even been identified when I was studying in college years ago.  Now I have not only identified the probable reasons for my husband's issues, but have gained some additional understanding of others that have walked in and out of my life over the years.  I once worked for somebody that I have often said I hated; now I understand that he was classic BPD and probably a much less happy person than I am.  I think the knowledge that we gain helps make us more tolerant.  I have to say too, that anyone who has found their way to this board has shown incredible wisdom in even figuring out that they are dealing with a mental illness, and then identifying it if that was not already done for them.  And of course, trying to learn methods of coping with it.  This board has been a real lifesaver for me; at this point I don't have close friends, and there is literally nobody else I can discuss this with.

[Samuel S.]

There seems to be a general agreement that we nonBPDs have become better in coping with our SOs who have BPD, although it most certainly can become a major struggle for us. It is interesting that we have encountered and stayed at our homes with them, only to have them distance themselves emotionally with their issues, physically, or both. No matter what the result has been for each of us, we are doing the best we can to cope with our BPDs who basically have done their best to shove us away at various times. As a result, with this shoving and sometimes pulling us back in, during our time that we are shoved away, we have found our personal joy that may or may not have been there all the time already.

Yet, with all that being said, if there would be some sort of miraculous change that was permanent, how many of us would want to trust them, or how many of us would not? I don't know about you folks, but if my BPDw were to make this miraculous change, I would not be able to trust her. Although I would love it to be the case, there have been too many times that I have been uplifted, but only to be dragged down again and again by her need to be negative. That is why I will remain focused on what has given others and me true joy and purpose in my life - reaching out to others and teaching. 

[HopefulDad]

Lots of silver linings... .

- Validation was never a strength of mine.  I'm more of a "Suck it up!  Enough of your 'first world problems'." kind of guy.  Now I'm much better validating and showing empathy quickly with everyone in my life.  And I can see them notice and view it positively.

- The above has been so helpful with my oldest daughter (age 9) who I think shows BPD tendencies.  Our relationship has strengthened.  And the validation has helped her self-sooth much more quickly than before.  Now instead of a big blowup, she will tell me, "I'm sad," and we can talk about it calmly.

- I'm much better at setting boundaries, the lack of which I think is a big reason I got myself this deep into my marriage.

- And to go with the better boundaries, I'm better at keeping my cool in an argument, even if it's an all out insane attack on my character.

- My relationship with my sister who has been great support throughout all of this (and experienced a BPD-like relationship with a peer) is stronger than ever.

- My parents have shown some outstanding compassion and understanding towards my wife as she struggles with her condition.  Seeing them open their hearts toward her instead of shunning her as "making their son miserable" has been a beautiful thing and makes me admire them even more.

I cannot remember feeling better about myself in years.  And this better me might very well end up divorced as my wife shows no sign of the extinction bursts going away.  But I'm at peace with that.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw slept in rather late today. Then, she ate her breakfast which I had already prepared for her. Then, she came into my room to do some printing of her class material. She and I had some difficulty printing it the way she wanted to, but this was the only thing we have had in common for a long time, and that only lasted some 10 minutes. Then, she started talking about how busy she is with her work, how busy she is with her schooling, how busy she is going to be this week, how busy she is going to be next weekend.

Then, she asked if I wanted to eat lunch with her that she had prepared for us. After all of the above, I was not in the best of moods, knowing that she is so busy with her lifestyle, that she can only afford to spend 10 minutes with me and then want me to eat lunch with her while she probably would continue talking about her busy schedule.

While it is really difficult not to have an actual relationship with her, she is just distancing herself that much more so from me, that she thrives in her own busy schedule. I guess I am grieving the relationship that she and I had. She also has admitted some time ago that she has gone to the extreme, from being a part of a family to focusing almost exclusively on herself.

Well, off she goes with her busy schedule this evening. Bottom line, there is no quality time for us. So, the silver linings, HopefulDad, are just coats. Yeah, she was the one who said way back when that she was my ideal wife. Yeah, right! (All sarcasm intended!)

While she continues with her busy schedule, I know how to balance family and professional lives. At least, I find professional joy by helping others, but my top priority is the family, the family she convinced me that she and her daughter have been. Now that she has done all of this convincing, she is throwing it (me) all away.

[Haye]

- I've always thought i'm emphatic and communicate well (am validating etc), but i've learnt it isn't quite so. I'm doing those less obvious stuff, like saying something nice and then adding a devalidating "but" afterwards. While my BPDbf doesn't seem easily affected i'm happy his condition brought me to this forum as it seems to affect my very sensitive kids.

- Life is never dull. It might not be easy, filled with surpries and challengies etc. but no, it's not dull nor boring.

- I think I have learnt to live more in the "now" than living in the past or in some future "what if" or "once this and this happens" -scenarios. Enjoying the moment, accepting the challenges that come. He lives very much in the now (which is actually a problem, as he doesn't quite see a future for himself) and appears, despite his problems, quite stress-free and zen.

- I've gotten better in setting (stating and keeping) my boundaries

-

[waverider]

I used to live in a bubble and bench marked everyone against the way I do, or would like to do, things.

Now I see everyone else has their own bubble which no matter how different is just as important as mine.

Now I am proud of me for real reasons not just out of ignorance.

I dont feel as though I have to compete, or put up a facade for anyone. My attempts at just being me are good enough. If it wasn't for my partner I wouldn't have been here on this site, and I would have remained delusional, and living by default rather than choice.

When I get idealized I can allow it to give me a warm fuzz, without deluding myself as to its real value.

[MissTajo]

This is a really good topic. Ive talked about this in some posts so here is my answer:

One thing I have leaned with my r/s :

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=222639.msg12413965#msg12413965

On Reasons for Staying post, by guitarguy09:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=219398.msg12401700#msg12401700

"I Stay with my bf for many good reasons:

He is one of the most polite people I know.

He talks in the most sweet way to children and elderly people, their favorite companion.

He leaves me romantic drawings when he goes back home so I can find them later when I arrive from work.

He is gorgeous... . (shallow I know but hey!)

I feel the need to support him all the time, I have great hopes for him. His BPD came heavily after a relationship with a very depressed girl who is the mother of his beautiful boy. Getting better with time. It left him with severe self esteem wounds.

He drives me crazy sometimes and hurts me emotionally but I know its not towards me.

"

[Samuel S.]

MissTajo, I wish my BPDw could learn from you. I applaud you for going back to school, but also to be able to still evolve your relationship with your SO together. Granted, it takes a lot to juggle all of that, but you are doing it.

In my particular situation, my BPDw has resolved to study, to work, to isolate herself, and to say the best she can do is to cook, that that is the only way she can relate to me. I don't even remember when we had a dinner or a date out. It must be at least a good 4 years, if not more. By the way, she only just started going back to school during this school year. Beforehand, she worked, stayed out of the house, the very things that she complained about her 1st husband. When I brought that up to her, she just said she now understands why he did that, thus disregarding our relationship.

When I have mentioned to her that she has gone from promoting herself as being the most loving woman in my life to the opposite extreme, she agrees.

At least, in your situation, even with the issues of him being a BPD, he and you are also making efforts to still remain a couple. I just wish mine were to do the same! I have made every concerted effort to do so, only to be shot down for even suggesting that she balances her need to succeed with our relationship. Thank you for sharing!

[reluctanthusband]

Ok i'll be that guy!  NOPE not a thing! Any kindness she shows is something NORMAL people do.  There is absolutely nothing that is silver about her BPD.  She threatened to leave and "end it" because she spent a bunch of our money without talking about it and I got mad at her. 

[MissTajo]

At least, in your situation, even with the issues of him being a BPD, he and you are also making efforts to still remain a couple. I just wish mine were to do the same! I have made every concerted effort to do so, only to be shot down for even suggesting that she balances her need to succeed with our relationship. Thank you for sharing!

Thank you, for your words. Made my day.

We do make efforts and BPD storms are not as frequent as they were (but I'm aware it all depends and that it is fragile... . ) We all know they are unstable and that lying and mind gaming are common but I try to remain firstly myself, respecting my ideals and my goals , without leaving him behind while I'm doing that. A relationship is a commitment, even with our SO's having this awful condition, we did choose to stay and deal with it. I am aware it all might end (just like in a rs with a nonBPD person) but I don't let that thought get in the way of us. Step by step, day by day, just trying to share as much good moments as I can.

"A calm sea never made a skillful sailor" and we are all a bunch of bada$$ sailors!

[yeeter]

This is great:

"A calm sea never made a skillful sailor" and we are all a bunch of bada$$ sailors!

Thanks Tajo.

Indeed I could stay stuck in a quagmire of resentment towards my partner.  In fact, its natural to spend some time in this phase as you shift from the idealistic expectations of what you wanted in a relationship, to the reality of what you have.

But healthier is to take some of the responsibility of getting in the position to begin with upon myself. Learn what it was about ME that allowed me to land here.  Sort out what my choices are going forward.  Make a choice.  Own it.  Live it.  That is forward looking, within my own control, and healthy.

I learned a lot about myself.  About people.  Emotional disorders even (hey, turns out there is more than one of these in my life - my boss has his own emotional hurdles and what I have learned on this board has been hugely valuable at work).  So at the other end of it, I will (have) come out of it a stronger and better person in some ways.  Sure these were skills I never really 'wanted' to have to develop, but that is part of life.

Sail on good sailors... .

[MissTajo]

So at the other end of it, I will (have) come out of it a stronger and better person in some ways.  Sure these were skills I never really 'wanted' to have to develop, but that is part of life.

Exactly. The bottom line is: We need to get to the strongest version of ourselves to deal with this disease. You are right,  yeeter, we never wanted to actually deal with these skills, but we got them now and we gotta move forward. Alone, or with our SO, but always forward... .

[Wrongturn1]

Sure these were skills I never really 'wanted' to have to develop, but that is part of life.

I like that line.  Part of life, indeed. 

It's good to see you posting here again, Yeeter!   

[Samuel S.]

I don't know about you folks, but the personal benefits of being married to my BPDw have been both good and bad. The good is that she doesn't show many if any symptoms when she is around which is very minimal, because she is happy doing her own thing. Thus, it is easier to feel better about myself and to give of myself which has always been being helpful for others. The bad is that she isn't around much. Overall, the good benefits outweigh the disadvantages.

By the way, today, I saw a movie entitled "God is not dead", a Christian based film, but it has a lot of great lines that are applicable to all of us, no matter what religion we may or may not practice. While I am paraphrasing, one of the one liners was that we do not need validation from others. We need to validate ourselves.

[bpbreakout]

I thought this was a great topic and there have been some really positive responses. Having a partner with BPD certainly pushes you to the limits and in many ways I think I am a better person for it. It’s a bit like having children. Things I am better at include seeing other points of view without losing my own perspective, patience (in spades), living in the moment, forgiveness, not judgeing, letting go of anger and saying no without being confrontational. I’ve gained a lot of self knowledge and much clearer on what are my issues and what are not & I feel confident enough to own my mistakes to apologise and forgive myself at the same time. I’m not sure how things would have turned out without BPD in my life, I suspect maybe “happier” superficially but with less resilience and self knowledge. It’s all a work in progress and you never really know what the next “curved ball” will be & I’m not sure how things will turn out. I was angry about my situation and often get dragged back into all of that but things are improving for me on that front. Coming to terms with the BPD has taken a load of guilt of me, improved my self esteem and  I don’t feel I need to justify myself as much as used to.

I’m not sure where things will end up with my BPDw but happy to go from day to day at the moment as I have two children who I am very proud of. If things don’t work out so be it, I’ve done what I can.

[yeeter]

mispost

[yeeter]

It's good to see you posting here again, Yeeter!   

Hope all is well Wrong, and right back atcha! 

[Samuel S.]

With my BPDw being away as much as she has with her studies and with her work, it has led me to do different, creative projects. So, while I do not necessarily like her being away, it truly has had its benefits, its silver linings.

I think if any of you have time for yourselves, that there is something freeing and creative that can result.

[lemon flower]

*first of all, if I hadn't met my last BPD-partner I never would have understood my previous relationships, and neither would I have got the insight in my own psychology that I'm achieving now

*secondly, this relationship, combined with experiences in my own family and some particular friendships have opened my eyes on psychiatric vulnabilarity and how it affects so many people's lifes, and it became less strange and threatening, I'm starting to see the people behind their illness, as in this quote... .

- the Mad Hatter: "have I gone mad ?"

- Alice: "I'm afraid so, you're entirely bonkers. But let me tell you a secret: all the best people are." 

*thirdly, although he's not exactly the most cheery, supportive company, he does make me move, I'm more alert, more intuitive, more caring when he's around, he opens up my safe, predictable, slightly dusty world I guess 

*and finally, I'm growing more aware of the dark, destructive powers in this world, not exactly a happy feeling but definitely a reality-check, and I feel like I'm a little stronger now, because you have the choice to search for light and positive energy

though it wasn't always in a healthy way, he digged up some deeply hidden parts/needs inside me that I have to face and it feels like some icy parts inside me are slowly melting when he's around... .

[MissTajo]

though it wasn't always in a healthy way, he digged up some deeply hidden parts/needs inside me that I have to face and it feels like some icy parts inside me are slowly melting when he's around... .

I loved your reply. Seemed like you were talking about me.


I'm just getting to the point where I am so aware of how destructive I was in all my relationships. I have been talking to him day and night about this: I'm not as a good person as I thought I was. I'm jealous, I suspect everyone has a vendetta on me, and I'm selfish. I do  know I am nice to people most of the time, and that I help other wherever I can BUT there is this very lonely, wicked side of me that has been boycotting all my relationships.

[empathic]

With my BPDw being away as much as she has with her studies and with her work, it has led me to do different, creative projects. So, while I do not necessarily like her being away, it truly has had its benefits, its silver linings.

I think if any of you have time for yourselves, that there is something freeing and creative that can result.

Good point. My wife also has been more busy lately which actually frees up time for me. Before we often watched a romantic comedy of her choice in the evening after the kids went to sleep. Now I can instead spend that time working on my own projects, that is a lot more rewarding for me. I still have a hard time being truly creative when she's around, as I tense up too much, but it's a lot better than before. Hoping for even more progress there.

[waverider]

To understand projection you first need to look in the mirror so that you are capable of determining which is in play. Seeing the truth of yourself comes before acceptance is possible

[Foreverhopefull]

My personal benefit:

1) A chance to practice tolerance and understanding of people (if I can accept my husbands "quirks", I can handle peoples "quirks" in normal situations more easily)

2) A chance to see the strengths in my personality (by seeing just how much I have overcome and how strong I am mentally)

3) Really live each moment to its fullest when  things are great (something many people don't do)

4) Constant searching for the "silver lining" (it's what keeps me sane in bad days)


The most positive aspect of our relationship:

It has brought us closer and made us stronger. We both agree that this might not be a Hallmark marriage where the worst day is due to a burnt diner, but we know that we can both be there for each other when times are rough and we won't dwell on the past (he may dwell on his actions but he knows I won't be bringing up each time I can) and the bad days because we can't change them... . we work on making the moment we are currently in the best one yet.

The most positive aspect of BPD for the people around the BPD person and even themselfs... . it shows you your strengths and shows you just how little you know about yourself.

[Samuel S.]

I teach, and I tutor. Thus, I give much more than I receive. That is why my BPDw was originally attracted to me, because I give her individual attention.

Now for 13 years later, when she has turned the tables around by distancing herself without any regard to any quality relationship like we had, when I teach and when I tutor, it is so refreshing to be able to interact. Of course, they gain the information and earn grades. Yet, there is something real. There is quality interaction.

Today, before I arrived for my tutoring appointment with a young lady who is about 40 at a bookstore that has a café, she bought me a drink. That was so touching, and I thanked her for her random act of kindness. By the way, I will never stray from my BPDw, because we are married. I know most people are good-hearted. I just wonder if my BPDw will ever be able to return both physically and emotionally to me.

Also, yesterday, I came up with an idea that has been accepted by 2 of my friends who are into film in which I will present a workshop for families which I have done previously to individual families, schools, and community centers already, but this time, with it being filmed for the media. When I mentioned this to my BPDw, she said the following in a monotone, non-emotional way: "If it is meant to be, it is meant to be." She quickly changed the subject. When I was really excited about something that I wanted to share with her, I guess I too wanted validation, but only to get no validation whatsoever. I guess many of us can attest to such experiences, though. Well, my 2 friends and I are going to do this project, and I am getting a lot of support from others already.

We non BPDs do our validating. We do our best to radically accept the way things are. Yet, when is enough enough?