Hi copeland,
Hello everyone! I need advice on what to do with threats of suicide; yesterday my fiance told me that she hated me, she wants to call a realtor to sell our house, and that she has serious thoughts of killing herself due to depression. She said that she has researched the best way to do it (she said this is why she clears her browser history), she has secretly stockpiled what she needs to OD (it is purchased and I will never find it), and she is working on the best way of killing our pets, who right now is the only thing she says she cares about. She is uBPD, and we are going through a tough period right now - her mom has terminal cancer at 56, she thinks that her father and brother will kill themselves after her mom dies, our academic programs are really messed up (she is on stress leave, I have had mine killed due to my research program collapsing and the university wanting to wash their hands of the mess), our jobs are unstable (she is part time, I was doing contract work but I am now working labour at just above minimum wage), and our career area has changed drastically and we are unsure of getting the type of jobs we expected (everything is going to contract work, which involves a lot of field work away from home - she is steadfast she will not do this work, and does not want me to do it either, although if you can get it the pay is quite good).
Sounds suicidal ideation can be extremely stressful for partners and if not taken serious she will escalate further. Right now she is desperate and needs to control something, really anything like selling the house or getting a mortified reaction from you. And while they are part and parcel of her BPD behavior they also need to be taken seriously. If you feel you can't handle the situation and she continues to escalate you may have to get external help. As a first step it may be useful to reach out to a local suicide helpline from your side.
The major thing that set her off was me just starting my job but she feels that I am not enthusiastic enough about getting off gov't support; I am happy, but I see this as a stepping stone to rebuilding things and finding a better paying job that we need with our finances (bills, taxes, etc. and she wants to do some small renos and a roof replacement on our house).
Validation - she has her doubts and is skeptical etc... She has every right to be that - her emotions after all.
This comes on the heels of me being put into the spare bedroom to sleep about three weeks ago, since she felt very rejected when I did not initiate sex (intimacy has been an issue for us for some time). With this, she told me I have to win her back and show that she is special, which I have been trying, but this has been wiped out. She wants a massive effort to show I care, but she does not like going out (people and money, plus a drive since we live out of town), and does not want gifts or me spending money. I have been trying to increase my housework, and I put in extra time to talk to her about how she is feeling and to reassure her on things turning out.
Reassuring that things turn out will be invalidating and make matters worse. Do it very sparingly.
Also, is there anything that I can do to reassure her about being committed to our relationship? Right now the only people she cares for are our pets - everyone else, including family, friends, and myself she says she does not care about or she hates.
You realize that telling her that you are committed to the relationship will be invalidating? She is afraid (of lots of things) and reassuring needs to be done carefully. Plenty of validation and some SET with T=reassurance ( but with plenty of validation of the dreadful situation first. Remember positive messages or hope are difficult and triggering topics for her. She is freaking out due to the bad situation and these negative emotions need to be openly recognized for them to be regulated to a more appropriate level. Spelling out what is wrong is not easy but you have done it in your post so you can do it with her. Check out the workshops on validation in the LESSONS on how to do this.
Has anyone dealt with threats like these? What can I do?
Have you seen our material on
suicidal ideation?
Hang in there
a0
