He is leaving again... but he wants a favour first

[HoldingAHurricane]

My dBPDh and  I are under a lot of pressure at the moment. To be honest, his own arrogance has got him into trouble at work and he has been issued with a warning letter. Informally, someone told him that once you're on review they just get rid of people and there is no genuine chance for redemption. Maybe true, maybe not, who knows. So he has started looking for new work, which is really anxiety producing for him.

We are going through a residency process for him to be a resident in my home country and have just this week been notified that our application has come up for review.

His car has become unregistered because he let it lapse and he impulsively promised to go on a hiking holiday in a weeks time which he isn't prepared for and I think is having second thoughts about.

Not unexpectedly, he has become pretty unstable. This part might be TMI but anyway, I discovered he has retreated to one of his problem habits which is looking at pornography. When he met he had a pretty serious problem and spent hours and hours daily watching it (I didn't know that until much later), he was very promiscuous (also not info I had upfront), then unfaithful a number of times, and it all seemed to go together. So its very triggering for me on that level. He is on anti-depressants so our sex life is quite limited anyway because of the side effects. I got quite upset about him using it and wasting what libido he has on it, for what feels like cheating by fantasizing about other women.

His response was to tell me that he no longer wants to work on our marriage and is leaving me. He then asked me to let him keep living with me and pretend to be in a relationship with him for a few months longer until the visa is approved as he does not wish to return to his home country.

I am not ok with the pornography. So, how do I go about making a constructive contribution here? I don't want to split up but I can't accept the porn. He is pretty dysregulated, is it better to give him some space? I asked him if he wanted to make an appointment with his therapist but he declined.

I'm just not sure what to do without inflaming the situation more.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HoldingAHurricane]

Oh, and its my birthday this coming Friday

[an0ught]

Hi HolidinAHurricane,

there is a lot going on in your life at the moment  . Also in his. So he is falling back on some familiar and dysfunctional coping patters. Now those can be deal-breaker for you or they may be acceptable. From what it sounds you so far may have tolerated some porn viewing in one way or another. Right now he is fairly instable and the question is - does it make sense to fight it right now? Dysfunctional coping is often a symptom for problems else where and it sounds that legal status, job and relationship tensions are all contributing to a level of distress he is not able to cope with in healthy ways. Some dysfunctional coping is highly problematic as it very created emotional and other problems - alcohol is one of them. Other coping is less destructive. Often if access to one avenue to relief is blocked another one will be searched and found. Not all for the better. Shifting to healthier coping patterns is a longer processes as it requires learning and practice.

Giving him space and validating his sense of being under a bit of pressure (warning here - "bit" would be invalidating and followed by an explosion - "unbelievable". "tons" etc. may be needed to get even close to what he feels and you still will be told you don't really get it - which is totally ok as that can be also validated as "not understood", "feeling carrying this alone" etc.).

You have been mainly on the undecided board. Can you take a look at the LESSONS? There are some workshops on validation etc. that may be helpful.

[HoldingAHurricane]

Thanks an0ught

I want to be clear that I have never tolerated pornography. There was a period of time I didn't know about it. We separated for a time when I found out and when I found out after reconciliation that he lied about stopping, I asked that he stop and go to therapy or leave. He has been in therapy for almost 12 months and to my knowledge the porn stopped. My boundary is that I can't be in a relationship with him when he is doing that but I will when he stops. Is that tolerating it? I feel quite confused at the moment about what I am doing.

I reviewed the lessons while I was on the undecided board and they are helpful. I've been using dearman and set, and all the active listening skills I have, I think I'm getting better at using the various validation strategies.

The thing is there isn't anything to validate at the moment. He hasn't said anything about even one of the perfect storm of issues or being under pressure or anything. I spoke and he said I'm not willing to work on our marriage anymore and I'm leaving. Then he said will you help me get my visa? I said I'd think about is and then agreed. Since then nothing. He sits alone in our room on his computer and doesn't speak to me and he is sleeping on the floor. 

I guess in saying that, the answer seems obvious. Just give him space since that is what his behaviour seems to be asking for. On the other hand, he often says "what I really wanted was for you to come and comfort me" but if I try he rages about me for coming near him. I am really confused, I think.