Especially parents, have you witnessed BPD traits start as normal innate traits?

[dontknow2]

In my youngest son’s case for much of ages 3 -10, he had intense moods, impulsiveness, anger, black/white thinking, and abandonment fears. Most people including family couldn’t handle being around him. Now, he is viewed positively as full of life by people with all the same traits, just a less childlike version. Background explanation is explained below.

This made me wonder if for some adult pwBPD, the BPD-like traits were just initially normal personality traits in their childlike state? Then with the invalidation and their childhood environment “fixing it” as if it was a problem, the personality was suppressed because it was unaccepted and came back later to an extreme and is worse in a young adult environment. Once resurfaced in an extreme version, it is rejected even stronger and only becomes a viscous cycle becoming harder and harder to break each time.

Background

OK so I have a 16S and 13S with my xBPDh. Although now we don’t live together, my ex never lived with the boys until just a few years ago when his rages were less often and less crazy. They were exposed to him since birth but on a part-time basis (i.e. nothing overnight until they were much much older). Although my oldest looks more like his Dad’s side, his personality resembles more my side. My youngest on the other hand is the opposite.

My oldest 16S was so easy to raise. When I told him at 2 to put on his shoes because he might get hurt, he just did it. Even to this day, he wakes himself up on his own at 630 am year-round and walks a mile to school no questions asked. So, I have to be very careful not let him feel unappreciated, unseen, etc... Note: I am purposefully not adding more detail here because I am only trying to back my point.

My youngest 13S has been difficult to raise. When he was younger ages 3 – 10 for much of the time, he was very loud, would talk non-stop (literally), struggles with overeating, regular intense emotions (have to quit in the middle of playing baseball, yell things like he hated me, and immediately have to go home), would cry every day for almost 4 YEARS when I dropped him off at school, and do wacky stuff (like losing one shoe on the top of the school’s roof or obsessively eating crayons). Although all of the traits are still there, it isn’t displayed at the point of everyone’s concern and is now seen positively as him being ‘full of life’.

For a long time, I had to constantly combat my family and school about his behavior (i.e. something has to be wrong, ADHD, why aren’t you doing anything more, etc.). One year, I sat in the car crying during Thanksgiving because I didn’t feel my son was safe being around my family; they plain ole’ started to hate a little kid… that is how bad it got.

Lately, I realized something on how differently I have to instruct the boys to get them to do their chores too. My oldest has for years required long term instruction (for months), wants no punishment mentioned, and then wants me to back off, never saying anything unless it gets way out of hand. My youngest needs very short term (hourly) instruction with exact cut off time and consistent punishment mentioned every time (taking away something MOST valuable to him; anything won’t work). It was this that started the comparison in my head to how my ex best engaged. Then, I remembered how I used to have to tell my now youngest elementary teachers how he learns best with exact instruction (no steps skipped/no gray area).

Frankly, my youngest is now one of the most emotionally in-tune persons I’ve ever met. A while ago, he told me the teacher was asking who did something wrong in class. He said he immediately raised his hand. I said something as if I was shocked. He then explained that he wouldn’t want to hold that in on the inside for the rest of his life; it wasn’t worth it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ABelle]

Well, I can say from my perspective, our d16 w/BPD most definitely had traits of being difficult from the time she was about 1 year old.  She was a biter as soon as teeth appeared!  Soon after, she became difficult to control, and was diagnosed with ADHD once she entered school (after two years of behavior modification therapy - almost thrown out of preschool!).  Her emotions have always been so intense, and for her, the ends have always justified the means.  With our oldest daughter, it was enough to express displeasure in order for her to stop an unwanted behavior, but the youngest - time outs, removing rewards, behavior contracts, whatever, never really worked.  She could live with whatever we dished out.  She was always terribly charismatic and charming... . and adorable!  At the same time, she never developed friendships due to her behaviors.  So, yes - I would say that while we never saw BPD coming, we knew something was awry from an early age.  We always assumed that sooner or later, she would absorb the negative attention she got from acting inappropriately and change her behavior, but instead it seems she has developed this disorder.  Who knows what caused what. 

[mywifecrazy]

abelle and dontknow.  This is very interesting to me. Abelle you already answered my question by indicating that you have no idea how your child developed BPD. Any ideas dontknow.? 

It just makes me wonder if there are more people born with BPD than what was once thought of. 

My uBPDxw is the waif type. Low self esteem, always making up stories to portray herself as victim.  I talked to her mother and she has no idea why her daughter is this way.  She did tell me stories of how quiet she was as a baby and child,  she also told me stories of her having make believe friends.  She even carried around a mop and pretended it was her friend. Her sister also told me that she never really had many friends of her own. 

[dontknow2]

Hello ABelle and mywifecrazy,

Thanks for your responses. It does sound like the traits can show up earlier.

In my s13's case, he does not have BPD just similar traits, of which mellow as he ages. It did make me wonder though if maybe his Dad (my dBPDx) started out the same way.