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Author Topic: Reconciled but still burnt out, help  (Read 398 times)
z 7873

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Gender: Male
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Posts: 18



« on: March 31, 2014, 12:25:56 PM »

Hi all.

I went through a worsening cycle of conflict with my BPD wife that lasted about two years and climaxed on the first week of this year, so, say January 2nd 2014. We finally hit bottom, real bottom, I was actually planning on moving out, but we did reconcile. Since then things have been mostly quiet and we have been both trying to improve our marriage.

Here is my problem. After the extended trauma leading up to our reconciliation, I still feel completely burned out emotionally. I love my wife and want to improve things but I still feel emotionally hollow about pretty much everything and she can sense it, so my inability to show the kind of emotional spectrum that she is looking for is beginning to start problem all over again.

I did use antidepressants last year but I have been off them for months now (wellbutrin xl).

Thanks for any pointers... .
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an0ught
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
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« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2014, 02:47:06 PM »

Hi z 7873,

this is a complex question. First of all I wonder whether you have the conflicts behind you. Has she really changed and learned new behavior? Have you really learned new behavior?

It is good that you finally said - this is enough and I won't accept abuse! But how comfortable and practiced are you with boundaries? The reason I question this so hard is - boundaries protect us. Solid boundary skills provide a sense of security and safety. You are feeling burnt out. Possibly one reason could be your emotional system can't relax as it still is on continuous alarm.

Here is my problem. After the extended trauma leading up to our reconciliation, I still feel completely burned out emotionally. I love my wife and want to improve things but I still feel emotionally hollow about pretty much everything and she can sense it, so my inability to show the kind of emotional spectrum that she is looking for is beginning to start problem all over again.

She needs validation more than an emotional response from you. Of course a validating emotional display of your emotions works well while you both are emotionally aligned. Validation skills are the tool that allows us to decouple from the emotions on the other side. This protects our vulnerable emotions and enables us to provide feedback for emotional states which we don't really want to experience ourselves.

Without good skills on your side the problems will come back unless she learns herself a lot (and even then this will take more than a few months time).

Posting or simply participating  in some discussion here on the board can help - this is an longer journey and it is difficult to go alone. An exercise that has helped a few members can be greeting and validating new members on the new member board. Thinking through other life situations and what they mean for the other person can help regaining perspective. Also the act of giving tends to lift the mood somewhat.

Have you checked with the T who has prescribed the meds?
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  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
z 7873

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Gender: Male
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Posts: 18



« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2014, 03:13:51 PM »

I am still holding on to some resentment about everything and I know that is hampering me. Her behavior has been lower on the scale, but variable. No violence or suicide threats (since January)

I would talk to a therapist but I got past one individual session and then my wife torpedoed it, she said she was firmly against me having individual therapy because in her past an ex broke up with her soon after going to individual therapy. Yes, I know that it is my call and I could insist on going myself but I'm leaving that out of the picture for now. The antidepressants came from my GP who eventually insisted that I get that kind of meds from a specialist.

This phase, trying to rebuild, is much harder than I expected. I'm not doing the things she wants to feel loved, though I try. It seems like the rules are always changing.

She is in complete denial of needing therapy even though the issue has been raised.

To be honest one reason why things are going better is that we live in Colorado and occasional cannabis use has gone far to soften her emotional dysregulation.

I will try to spend more time on the forum. Thanks.
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an0ught
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 5048



« Reply #3 on: March 31, 2014, 04:40:28 PM »

Hi z 7873

I am still holding on to some resentment about everything and I know that is hampering me. Her behavior has been lower on the scale, but variable. No violence or suicide threats (since January)

There are plenty of people in similar situation here on the board. The break in chaos provides an opportunity to start learning and more importantly practicing. Skill learning requires first and foremost practice. Often it helps to focus on one skill at a time.

This phase, trying to rebuild, is much harder than I expected. I'm not doing the things she wants to feel loved, though I try. It seems like the rules are always changing.

What do you expect? She is unstable. Trying to stabilize the relationship following her lead is trying to walk straight while emulating someone drunk. It is important to re-focus yourself on more stable things and start living by your own rules. That will bring some initial conflict but over time your stability may well be appreciated.

I would talk to a therapist but I got past one individual session and then my wife torpedoed it, she said she was firmly against me having individual therapy because in her past an ex broke up with her soon after going to individual therapy. Yes, I know that it is my call and I could insist on going myself but I'm leaving that out of the picture for now. The antidepressants came from my GP who eventually insisted that I get that kind of meds from a specialist.

It is understandable that she is triggered. But then your wellbeing is important too for you and her.

I will try to spend more time on the forum. Thanks.

It is not a replacement for therapy though. Please keep in contact with your GP about your mental state. It could be depression but it could be also something else.

Hang in there 

a0
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  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
z 7873

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 18



« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2015, 01:46:16 PM »

Hey folks, a bit of an update. My last post in this thread had been in March 2014. In May 2014 she tried to kill herself twice in one weekend (attempted OD) and along the way ended up racking up a domestic violence offense, for which she is on an 18 month probation.  I really tried to maintain my sense of commitment to the relationship and I did for a while, but as of November 2014 I told her I want out. She won't have it though, and is threatening that she will die if I leave, and I can't rule that out. On the bright side (if there were such a thing) we are both in therapy, separately.

I do have one question I would like feedback about. She is insisting that marriage vows cover this scenario under 'in sickness and in health' and that it would be morally wrong to divorce. What do people think of that?
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