Abandonment issues

[thicker skin]

Hello... . I've recently moved over from the undecided board.

I have a question regarding abandonment issues.

Can we all have them to a degree? I feel insecure due to the lack of commitment, mutuality and shear number of times that I'm told to get out ( mostly used to prevent me from active living or for not agreeing with him ).

Are abandonment issues also him feeling abandoned if I say, upgrade my phone or go out for coffee with friends? Are they me being independent and him feeling left out? For so many years, I heard how I was going to leave him, if he or I met my own normal needs. I didn't do so much, to make him feel better.

When he feels that I am doing him wrong, he usually terminates the relationship. I then have no idea that I have been reinstated, until the next time he terminates. This is and has caused us many problems. My perceived lack of commitment leads to his inability to commit to me.

For example. We now have two double beds in the bedroom, because last summer, an old family friend sent me a message on fb, asking how my mums eye operation went. He didn't know what the message contained, just went ballistic and changed the room around whilst I was out, because he saw the message in the history.

Is that an example of abandonment issues? His perception was that I didn't know how to respect him, or behave in a relationship so he punished me and pished me away, again.

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[an0ught]

Hi  thicker skin,

yes these could be abandonment related behavior but it could be also in some cases be simple invalidation. Hard to say without much context.

When he feels that I am doing him wrong, he usually terminates the relationship. I then have no idea that I have been reinstated, until the next time he terminates. This is and has caused us many problems. My perceived lack of commitment leads to his inability to commit to me.

Don't blame yourself.

For example. We now have two double beds in the bedroom, because last summer, an old family friend sent me a message on fb, asking how my mums eye operation went. He didn't know what the message contained, just went ballistic and changed the room around whilst I was out, because he saw the message in the history.

Is that an example of abandonment issues? His perception was that I didn't know how to respect him, or behave in a relationship so he punished me and pished me away, again.

Or could be related to weak boundaries on his side. Or jealousy. Or whatever.

After being abandoned a few times it would be not surprising if you would feel some anxiety yourself around this topic   You experienced a series of traumas  .

It is easy to see abandonment everywhere but I'm not sure it makes sense. I usually find it more practical to focus in general situations on fear, jealousy etc... Anxiety and fear validation work at least for me quite well. However if there is a serious distress in the relationship with accusations or implying behavior indicating leaving or fear to be left then abandonment needs to be validated directly.

[thicker skin]

Thank you an0ught.

Many, many years have been spent listening to what I think are abandonment issues. "If you leave me" "You're going to leave me" "You're just after xyz and will leave me once you've got it". Small acts of independence, like laughing on the telephone with a female friend or family member, make him so cross, that he asks me to get out of his house. It can get quite extreme. When my dad emigrated to Canada, he'd FaceTime me, sharing his love of the country. I echoed my dad's happiness back to him, as I was genuinely pleased for him. I was instructed to move to Canada? Liking the sound of another country was a big issue.

So much feels like a massive threat to my partner. When he feels threatened, he gets nasty towards me for making him feel that way. He feels left at the slightest thing and reacts by dumping me. The last time, a couple of weekends ago, it was because I went to a friends house for coffee, to talk wedding plans with her and her partner. I was gone for 10 minutes before the texts started arriving.

He thinks I provoke him. If I was trying to get a rise out of him, I could think of much more fantastic ways to do it.

Validating ... . I'm sorry that you feel that I'm neglecting my family, that wasn't my intent.You are gardening and the teenagers are each on their PCs, so I thought I'd occupy myself for an hour. I don't understand why you're angry and I'd need to get myself a bachelor pad ( in response to his text ). Please explain.

Stop validating and let him feel his own pain and deal with it is starting to feel like a less draining option.

[an0ught]

Hi thicker skin,

I can see that you want to become better. You are a bit frustrated with the traction you get. It may be surprising, I have to tell you that your example can be improved. Let me show you how

Validating ... . I'm sorry that you feel that I'm neglecting my family, that wasn't my intent.You are gardening and the teenagers are each on their PCs, so I thought I'd occupy myself for an hour. I don't understand why you're angry and I'd need to get myself a bachelor pad ( in response to his text ). Please explain.

Stop validating and let him feel his own pain and deal with it is starting to feel like a less draining option.

- Validation of others should not start with "I". It may be possible to do validating sentences starting with I but generally it is a good sign that something is off. Usually a shift of perspective is needed.

- "I'm sorry" is talking about your own emotions. His emotions matter.

- "that was not my intent" is jadE.

- "... . so I thought... . " is jaDe

- "why you are angry" is invalidating as asks him to justify his emotions.

and overall - way too long, particularly for someone with a short and lit fuse on the other side.

Simpler responses work often better. Easier digested and less opportunity for us to insert triggering stuff. In this case you do not have to justify yourself at all. You may feel like explaining yourself but you have done nothing wrong and you don't really owe him an explanation for everything you do. Giving one can be useful but can be problematic as well as it sets the expectation of total transparency which leads down the path to no privacy and no boundaries. Let's assume you want to bring in some information and not just validate.

Ouch, you sound angry

   Blah, blah - very angry

You get really irritated when I visit others

   Blah, blah - angry

They are my friends. Yeah it is a bit odd to talk with them about wedding plans when our relationship is right now strained.

  Blah blah - very angry

Are you afraid I run away with the groom?

   Blah, blah - less angry

Times change. They are looking forward to some happy days in July and have invited us. I guess they might have also some tough days ahead. Such is life.

   Blah, blah - afraid of wedding

... .



You can see that sET can be done over multiple exchanges. First you need to get a handle on his emotions before sending any information his way. Getting there may take a while. Wedding will be a triggering topic so distressed relationship feeling needs validation. Happy days are followed by a potential for tough days - looking at both sides of the coin.

[thicker skin]

Thank you an0ught 

I can see that I've been doing it wrong!

I must be a bit polite or something. SET now looks like I need to read his mind and then grab it by naming his emotion. Part of me feels that it's a bit patronising but I'm going to try it.