Suggestions for helping children set boundaries with BPD dad

[Livestrong97]

My situation is sometimes difficult because when my BPDh overreacts or targets the children (young teens) with anger I always step in which causes more problems.  I cannot allow him to behave poorly but he sees me trying to difuse as undermining and we end up in big fights which he then blames the children for.  Of course it never stops him and he does it again and again, in time.  I want them to know to stand up for themselves but he won't allow them to talk back and sees any comments from them as such.  I feel I have failed them in showing them good examples of resolving conflict because it's just not possible with a BPD.  I am now starting to see my teens talking negatively to each other and I'm not sure what is normal sibling behavior or if it is their environment.  I guess if anyone has advice for helping my teens to understand that their dad's behavior is not healthy without telling them that he has an illness, would be helpful.  And, on that note when or is it ever ok to let them know he is BPD when he doesn't admit it himself. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

My situation is sometimes difficult because when my BPDh overreacts or targets the children (young teens) with anger I always step in which causes more problems.  I cannot allow him to behave poorly but he sees me trying to difuse as undermining and we end up in big fights which he then blames the children for.  Of course it never stops him and he does it again and again, in time.  I want them to know to stand up for themselves but he won't allow them to talk back and sees any comments from them as such.  I feel I have failed them in showing them good examples of resolving conflict because it's just not possible with a BPD.  I am now starting to see my teens talking negatively to each other and I'm not sure what is normal sibling behavior or if it is their environment.  I guess if anyone has advice for helping my teens to understand that their dad's behavior is not healthy without telling them that he has an illness, would be helpful.  And, on that note when or is it ever ok to let them know he is BPD when he doesn't admit it himself. 

Hello Livestrong97. I'm sorry that I can't give advice on the main issue, but on your last question, it's generally thought not to be a good idea to tell the pwBPD in our lives that we think they have the disorder. Perhaps you can check out this thread for some clarity on the pitfalls:

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

[Livestrong97]

Thank you for the response.  I wouldn't try to tell my husband that he has it.  My question is more toward helping my children learn how to set their own boundaries and would there ever be a time for them to be told.

[MissyM]

Livestrong, I am having a hard time helping my children set boundaries with my dBPDh but they are different.  My dBPDh plays the victim and wants them to mother him, he gets overly affectionate and needy with them.  They are just 9.  So my children are going to start therapy.  They don't need to be his emotional support.  I notice that since I have stopped mothering him, he is leaning on them for emotional support more than ever.  I am just not going to tolerate this for them.    So I would suggest therapy for your teens, so that they can learn to set boundaries.

[Livestrong97]

Thank you both so much.  I appreciate having the ability to ask a question and get some feedback.  I've exhausted my friends  

[bpbreakout]

Hi, I’m in a similar situation with BPDw , S12 and D15. BPDw was originally diagnosed with bipolar2 a few years ago and then BPD last year. Kids aware of bipolar2 but not BPD, I’m not sure they are old enough to handle the information properly. Family dynamic is S12 can do very little wrong and D15 has been bullied/criticised by BPDw over many years & lots of marital conflict as a result. BPDw finds it very difficult when children don’t do what she says or question her and there is a lot of shouting that goes on in our household. I have had D15 see a counsellor on and off over the years to help her with handling things. I have tried to defuse things over the years but when BPDw is disregulated anything less than being right behind her 100% is “undermining”. It’s caused me a lot of personal heartache as I believe in supporting my wife as well as treating children respectfully. I’ve come to the point (with some counselling) where I’m no longer able to “support” this behaviour or even try and defuse things BPDw when she rages. After a recent situation a few months ago where D15 would not lend BPDw her camera and BPW tried to drag me into the argument I simply refused to get involved. I have continued to do so when there are massive meltdowns over minor things as they are not really parenting issues. I feel a lot better in myself as a result (better than walking a tightrope) though for obvious reasons it hasn’t helped our marriage & I will just have to see how things evolve on that front. I really believe parents should stand together but to be honest I think I have let the accusations of “undermining” support BPDw more than I should have done – a case of FOG. I don’t want it to impact my relationship with my children any more than it has. I do my best to keep one on one relationships going with kids & make sure tell D15 that BPDw is talking nonsense when she blames D15 for marriage problems (all too frequent). Parenting is very difficult, for instance BPDw has not lifted a finger to help make sure kids don’t have mobile phones in bedrooms at night but is first to complain about technology. How do you find a consequence for a teenager who shouts and swears after BPDw initiates this kind of behaviour ? General discipline, regular routines and household chores are very difficult to manage when one parent is very inconsistent and volatile.

I have started to pass on information indirectly from this site to help children deal with Mum when she is “difficult” rather than worrying about the BPD diagnosis & I encourage kids to talk about what things are like for them at home with their friends as there is a lot of underlying guilt about talking about Mum behind her back & I don’t want them affected by that.

From looking at your situation I would be careful of the accusations of “undermining” which are really emotional blackmail, make it ok to talk about Dad’s behaviour when he isn’t around without necessarily “diagnosing” him, maybe consider counselling for the kids.

If you feel comfortable please PM with any specific situations, parenting teens in this situation is very difficult and I think a lot of people in the outside world don’t get that pwBPD is often like having another teen in the house.

Good luck !