Re: Please Help

[Cassia13]

Feeling very discouraged tonight. I really think I need to leave my bf. As I said I don't know if he has a dx.  But everything points to this being the problem. I spent last weekend at my parents as we had a big fight.  We did not talk for 2 days. That was hard for me. I found it childish that he was ignoring me the way he was. That is not how I usually go about trying to fix a problem.  When I came home Saturday evening he acted as if nothing had happened. So I let it go because God knows I am exhausted from all of our fighting lately. Today he was golfing and when he came home he asked if I would take his bag upstairs and put it in his office. I dropped it going upstairs and condoms and lube came out of the front pocket.  I brought it to his attention and he says "well I was pretty mad fri but I did not do anything. Then starts trying to justify it and blaming me because of the fight that he started. I dont think i have ever felt so low as i do right now. We have made love twice in the past 2 months when it use to be all the time.  The box was not open but I just don't believe him. I feel very trapped right now. I moved here for him.  I have a job but it does not pay a lot for me to get my own place. I have a son who thinks that my bf can wrangle the moon. I'm hurt alone and feeling very depressed.  I am trying to understand. I bought 2 e books. ... High conflict couple and overcoming BPD. I am trying so hard to keep it together. I also have myself paranoid if I leave will this cause an abandonment issue with my son will me leaving make my son eventually have BPD. I know that sounds ridiculous but all the reading I have done makes me wonder. He is so attached to him. His real father and I split when he was a year and a half due to his addiction problems.  Now I'm going to take him away from another male role model and he is older now. It breaks my heart.  I'm so confused and lost. The skin around my eyes burns from crying so much. I have never been so emotional like this. It is very scary.  I'm scared.  He talks down to me all the time when he use to put me pedestal.  So lost.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

 

Hi Cassia13,

I would like to welcome you and I have noticed that other Ambassadors have welcomed in previous posts. I would like to take the opportunity to greet you because I missed the previous posts.  I would also like to tell you that I am truly sorry about what you are going through. It must be difficult with your financial resources at the moment, your son being attached to your bf and what he is putting you through emotionally.   I share a similar experience and I understand what it feels like when your SO is detaching, but looking for physical pleasure elsewhere. It hurts like hell.

As I stated, I can see that other Ambassadors have given you a board for staying, I will give you the board for undecided for now. You are going through a difficult period. You have a valuable resource here at bpdfamily.com. It's open 24/7 for you. People here understand what you are going through because they have experienced it.

My STBX is undiagnosed as well, and I understand how frustrating, painful and confusing that it can be. Often, you are not taken seriously by family members and friends because a) most of the disordered behaviors happen behind closed doors and b) there is no dx.

I wouldn't get hung up on if he is diagnosed or not. I wouldn't be able to convince my ex to get diagnosed no matter how hard that I tried. One of the core components of many for this disorder is denial. Think of it like an alcoholic and how they are in denial and it can take many years for them to come to the realization, that they have a problem. Having said that, I choose what behaviors that I will allow from others upon myself and I don't worry about what diagnosis my ex has. I can choose to set boundaries, learn communication tools to smooth the edges, and I read as much as I can to learn about the disorder. I also come here often if I feel like I am confused, hurt, frustrated and vent and get support from fellow members that truly understand. Hang in there Cassia13, there is hope.

As I said, I will leave you with the link to the undecided board and you can look around on the other boards. I know that you said that you moved, and you cannot afford to move, but do you have access to a therapist? How is your support network?

Undecided Board: Staying or Leaving

I'm glad that you have found us.


- Mutt 

[an0ught]

Hi Cassia13,

Feeling very discouraged tonight. I really think I need to leave my bf. As I said I don't know if he has a dx.  But everything points to this being the problem. I spent last weekend at my parents as we had a big fight.  We did not talk for 2 days. That was hard for me. I found it childish that he was ignoring me the way he was. That is not how I usually go about trying to fix a problem.

there is the reason pwBPD are considered emotionally immature.

When I came home Saturday evening he acted as if nothing had happened. So I let it go because God knows I am exhausted from all of our fighting lately. Today he was golfing and when he came home he asked if I would take his bag upstairs and put it in his office. I dropped it going upstairs and condoms and lube came out of the front pocket.  I brought it to his attention and he says "well I was pretty mad fri but I did not do anything. Then starts trying to justify it and blaming me because of the fight that he started.

Oh dear, he is quite confused. He justifies, feels all the guilty emotions and then gets mad again. Getting to a healthier conflict culture takes time. Conflicts are nothing bad (in normal relationships) and are part of daily life. Right now you can only try to lead the way and avoid JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain) on your side.

I dont think i have ever felt so low as i do right now. We have made love twice in the past 2 months when it use to be all the time.  The box was not open but I just don't believe him. I feel very trapped right now. I moved here for him.  I have a job but it does not pay a lot for me to get my own place. I have a son who thinks that my bf can wrangle the moon. I'm hurt alone and feeling very depressed.  I am trying to understand. I bought 2 e books. ... High conflict couple and overcoming BPD. I am trying so hard to keep it together. I also have myself paranoid if I leave will this cause an abandonment issue with my son will me leaving make my son eventually have BPD. I know that sounds ridiculous but all the reading I have done makes me wonder. He is so attached to him. His real father and I split when he was a year and a half due to his addiction problems.  Now I'm going to take him away from another male role model and he is older now. It breaks my heart.  I'm so confused and lost. The skin around my eyes burns from crying so much. I have never been so emotional like this. It is very scary.  I'm scared.  

Part of what you feel are often transfered emotions. Using the validation techniques in Fruzzetti's book you can limit that to some extent so it gets more bearable. Transfered emotions are confusing but also useful as they give us a clue what the other side feels.

He talks down to me all the time when he use to put me pedestal.  So lost.

It is b&w thinking that is at play here. Not fair but we are either villains or saints but seldom just we.