My daughter

[rdrathome]

My 25 year old daughter has co-occurring disorders.  BPD, Depression Anxiety PTSD as well as heroin addiction.

I recently told her that I could not co-exist with her in the same house due to her disrespect of me, my house and my rules.

I asked her to look into RTC programs as she's failed Intensive Outpatient Treatment twice.  I have Kaiser and they referred her to a program 25 miles away.

She left last weekend because "I kicked her out" when I just wanted peace in my house.  Right now, I am the enemy because I told 4 people of her recent problems.  These are the same people who supported me through her very difficult teenage years, love her unconditionally and do not judge.  (she was in RTC's twice, cutting, substance abuse, depression, ODD, etc.

My younger daughter just blasted me saying that I was not being fair considering her diagnosis and that I needed to do more to be more supportive.  I am crying right now because I want to be but I also need to take care of myself.  My anxiety is through the roof, I think that I have ulcers and I have my younger daughter, her two sons, her significant other as well as my husband and stepkids to think of.

I am in NAMI's family to family and have a wonderful advocate who also suffers from co-occurring disorders.  Is BPD so different that I need to reconsider?  Please help me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Dear rdrathome,

I want to welcome you to the Parenting board, and say how very sorry I am that you find yourself in this kind of situation... .  

In order for us to be able to help our children, we need to be well... . So, in answering your question with another question: do you think you could keep yourself safe and mentally/emotionally well AND have your daughter in your home? If the answer is no, then you did what you had to. At least for the time being. If the answer is yes, then perhaps you can find a way to enforce your boundaries to protect yourself, while allowing your daughter to be in your home... .

How long have you been dealing with the diagnosis? It can be a very lonely road - this is a good place to come to share. There are many parents here in similar situations. Sometimes we can share good ideas, and learn from each other what works, sometimes it's just good to sit together and hear that you are not alone in this. 

Did the previous RTCs help your daughter? What do you think about the RTC that Kaiser recommended? Is is similar, same, different? The type of RTC can sometimes make all the difference... . I have also heard that dual diagnosis programs are effective in case of BPD and addiction. That may be worth looking into.

What does your daughter think about the possibility of an RTC?

Please do take care of your needs, it is important... .

We are here for you to find support and a safe place to come to share, rdrathome... .

[qcarolr]

rdrathome - welcome to our family here. There are many of us in very similar situations to yours - BPD, other mental health dx and drug abuse.

My BPDDD is 27 now. Meth seems to be her current downfall, though she is finding some success ( for a few weeks anyway) in programs for recovery while in jail - harassment charges during bad breakup with exbf both of them high. She has been drug free in jail for 2 months and is now back on her anti-depressants. She also has ADHD, depression, panic disorder, and a moderate/severe right brain learning disability. Life is so hard for her.

She can no longer be in our home. We have had to 'evict' her several times in past 5 years for open defiance of house rules and fears for our safety and health. We are also raising our gd age 8 since she was a baby. There are issues of trauma from the exposure to DD's rages in past couple years especially. I am sad I let her come back into our home thinking I could make things better. The drug use really drove the raging.

DD refuses to accept any kind of intensive mental health treatment, and has refused any kind of drug recovery treatment as well. She has failed her probation a couple of times. We are hopeful the work release program she is in starting last week will continue to work for her. She has a pattern of putting effort out for 6-8 weeks, getting "bored", and then going back to friends with drugs. She seems to be getting along well with others in her current program which is highly structured with consequence of going back into regular jail dorm if she does not comply or keep her job.

This is a condensed version of my story - hope it helps you with the hardest choice a parent can make with a struggling adult child. The letting go and detaching is so painful, and so needed. I hope your DD can find a supportive environment away from home. At least she does have the option of the RTC, if she chooses. She is an adult -- it is really up to her to choose to participate, to desire her life to be different.

Keep coming back. We care. Take care of yourself!

qcr

[mama62]

Hi,

I read your post and I am sure I understand where you are coming from.I am in a very similar situation myself and I can tell you that if my daughter were living here with me I would not be able to cope.

I have just started to read up on BPD as my daughter was recently diagnosed and I find that one moment I feel as your younger daughter does and I feel that I should be more supportive.

I feel ashamed that I cannot cope with her being here,but thievery next moment I feel I have to be well myself to take care of the other people in my life.

I would try and be more supportive if my daughter sought treatment but she just refuses.

I wish you the best and hope things with your daughter work out.

[jellibeans]

Dear mama62

I am sorry you are struggling with your dd right now but I would like you try and keep an open mind that maybe sometime in the future you will be able to have a relationship with her. I want to encourgage you to read the articles here. I really found I needed to change how I interacted with my dd16... . I realized I could only change and work on myself. I really think that made a difference in our relationship. Addiction is a terrible thing to deal with and throw in BPD and you have the prefect cocktail for conflict and drama.

You need to take care of yourself and I do think your boundary of not having her live with with is a good one for now. Try to find other ways to be supportive and a part of your dd life... . I do think mothers have the power to make a difference in their childrens lives and when your dd is ready to work on her issues I sure you will be more available to her.

Radical Acceptance for family members

[rdrathome]

Thanks you guys.

After a couple of days, a trip to the hospital and a diagnosis of a bleeding ulcer, I think I did make the right decision for me for now.

My 25 year old daughter started receiving serious mental health services when she was 14.  Diagnosis ranged from depression, anxiety, ODD, bi-polar disorder, etc.    She was cutting (significantly), huffing, skipping school, drinking.

After her second hospitalization she was sent to an RCT for about 7 weeks.  She was discharged and then I sent her to my dad in Florida for a couple of weeks prior to joining her on vacation.

Upon our return, it was apparent to me that she was going down hill fast.  In conjunction with her psychiatrist and an educational consultant, I made the decision to send her to Outback, a therapeutic wilderness program.  After psych testing, it was determined that her best opportunities would be a Level 14 RTC.  She was there for over 18 months.  If I could have, I would have had her stay longer but I ran out of money.  My insurance company wouldn't pay for it; the school district wouldn't pay for it and I didn't have the energy to fight both of them and my dd illness.

She returned home; enrolled in school (senior year).  Did really well for most of the year then went back into old habits.

Graduated by the skin of her teeth.  The story has been the same; starts school or a job out strong, wavers and ends up quitting/being fired etc within 3 months.  She moved out a couple of times and then has had to move home. 

I feel that I have provided numerous resources; found information and taken her places to receive assistance, paid insurance premiums, phones, food, even rent (a total of 15 months of rent in the last 36). 

Last summer she admitted she needed help.  She entered into treatment for her addiction.  We paid co-payments, prescription drugs.  She did really well for about 3 weeks.  Couldn't comply with treatment requirements, got mad at her caseworker and quit.  Started using again and blamed me.

About five weeks ago, said she needed help again.  Came home.  Paid co-payments, prescriptions, rides, bus pass, clothing etc.  She got kicked out of this program and referred to another  because she would not stop smoking weed.

No meetings while waiting for intake, drinking on withdrawal meds and not doing anything during the day that is productive.

I drive her to Mental Health Advocates  She would not / could not go down and apply for benefits on her own, I wanted her to have someone that could help her establish income, housing, food.

She misses her intake appointment (which messes up her medication) even though I woke her up three times prior to going to work.  The next day, she misses her evaluation at MHA because she has no withdrawal medication and spends all a.m. at the pharmacy.  Then she misses another appointment and everything gets delayed, yet again.

Does she like RTC; no she doesn't want to go; she's homeless (or will be) unless she stays here.  I just know that I am tired of the tension, drama, disrespect and lack of regard for other people in the house.

I hope and pray that one day I will be able to have at least a semblance of the relationship that I had at one point with my daughter.

[pessim-optimist]

That is all really difficult rdrathome, I have hope that in the future your relationship with her may get better again... .

When our children are adults, we have little control over what they do.

The best we can do for our kids in this kind of situation is to get strong and healthy, and keep our life safe and in order; then we learn as much as we can on the disorder, so we understand their behaviors and learn the communication skills that help us keep a good connection and calm the emotions.

And then, hopefully, we have a chance for a do-over, and if our child responds in a positive way, things can get better... .

[qcarolr]

About five weeks ago, said she needed help again.  Came home.  Paid co-payments, prescriptions, rides, bus pass, clothing etc.  She got kicked out of this program and referred to another  because she would not stop smoking weed.

No meetings while waiting for intake, drinking on withdrawal meds and not doing anything during the day that is productive.

I drive her to Mental Health Advocates  She would not / could not go down and apply for benefits on her own, I wanted her to have someone that could help her establish income, housing, food.

She misses her intake appointment (which messes up her medication) even though I woke her up three times prior to going to work.  The next day, she misses her evaluation at MHA because she has no withdrawal medication and spends all a.m. at the pharmacy.  Then she misses another appointment and everything gets delayed, yet again.

Does she like RTC; no she doesn't want to go; she's homeless (or will be) unless she stays here.  I just know that I am tired of the tension, drama, disrespect and lack of regard for other people in the house.

I hope and pray that one day I will be able to have at least a semblance of the relationship that I had at one point with my daughter.

It is kind of scary when someone is telling 'my' story. Except there are grandkids in my version - one we are raising (gd8) and another we stepped away and allowed to be in foster/adopt (gs6). Grateful DD27 made a good choice after gs to avoid getting pregnant again (copper IUD).

My DD never had the RTC - we did not have the money. The rest sounds so familiar. Her's is a 2 month cycle of trying - getting 'bored' - falling, falling, falling down her rabbit hole. She has been unable to work - combination of moderate learning disability with the mental health issues and substance use issues. She acknowledges only the LD, depression, panic/anxiety, and "I take drugs because I want to, not because I need them". She has been kicked out of detox and dual-dx programs. She has been inside the court system for the past few years, and living homeless off/on much of that time even when technically living in our home. Her last PO(probation officer) commented to me - she is very resourceful.

Allowing my DD to fall and not being there to pick her up - again and again and again - is the hardest, most painful thing I have struggled with in my entire life. I read the books, study the tools and lessons, practice them with everyone in  my life, and sometimes can be present in a supportive way for my DD. When I get worn down, sick, exhausted, ready to give up on myself -- then I easily slip back into a more enmeshed, enabling r/s with her. Yes - it is a codependent r/s so often. At times I think she can only survive if I am there to save her from herself.

What has helped me? Reaching out to build a support network that can build me up when my resources run thin. Being grateful for my dh who is more and more like a rock for me (not always so - we have learned to communicate better); not allowing DD to be at our home - re-purposing her room so she has nowhere to sleep (I am being held accountable for this by gd's T, who has also been seeing me individually since last August to support me in being there for gd while acknowledging how hard it is to 'choose' gd and let DD go); overcoming my self-sufficient tendencies and making myself get involved in the women's ministry at our church - bible study small group, and a 12-step recovery group; starting regular therapy for myself to work through my own issues to be stronger in my other r/s in my life; making a commitment to myself and my T to start doing weekly yoga the first week of May... .

I am overcoming the guilt that has trapped me for so long. It is totally up to DD to manage her way through the jail based work program she is now in - to stay away from her drug using friends - to show up for all her appointments and work each day. She knows the consequence this time is not 4-6 weeks in jail with probation. It is 9 months in jail followed by yet more probation. And I still have to limit my contact with her. She still calls when she is out for work asking for a ride. And I have done this a few times and things have gone well - a little shopping a the thrift store, lunch at a sandwich shop, using my computer for online job searches, delivering her birth certificate so she could start her job the first day (it is only a block from where I work). I have to be cautious with this availability.

This is hard. Take care of yourself in every way that you can find. Learn and practice with everyone in your life the tools listed in the sidebar - they work when used consistently. And keep coming back to let us know how it is going (or not going). We care!

qcr