My Mom has Borderline traits (at least) and I was abused by her

[Boisnix79]

Hello all,

I just broke up with my BPDexgf and its made me realize my mothers borderline and narcissist traits...

Just beginning to write this it feels like all the pain and sadness from the last 20 years are coming to the surface. No one in my life besides other family members really knows what I went through and I think ive been carrying a lot of shame around for a long time. If written correctly this could be a book, hopefully this post isnt that long!

When I was 11 months old my bio father left for Italy where he began. My mom was supposed to follow but she decided not to go because she was afraid If it didnt work out they would keep me... . so she got with the man she was married to before she had me... . so my step fater was my moms ex husband... . perfect start

Well at 2 years old my mom began to hit me... . that ran on and off until I was about 8 or 10...

She went to my grandmother and had my grandma take me much of the time... . that time became more and more frequent and I never really spoke to them while I was with grandma.

Grandma, thank god, loved me and supported me emotionally then and still does to this day( im 35). BUT we had soo much drama in my home while i grew up... . i was always the center of the drama and the one blamed for all the issues... . they consistently sent me home with my grandma and aunt. My step dad barely spoke to me and when he did he was getting mad at something i was doing, being critical, and just generally being unhappy and unpleasant... . but all the while framing it to make me look like a horrible kid... . Well not my grandma, aunts, grandpa or teachers thought i was a bad kid... . so its pretty strange... . my parents had another son and he was much more easy going than me... . problem is he wasnt cobstantly made to be yhe bad guy... . the hard part is how subtle the treatment was... . well the BP behavior really becomes apparent to me when I get to about 10-12. My mom just starts basically blaming everything on ME. Like they took and to this day take 0 responsibility for Physical abuse, and just not being nice in general... . it was basically like not being liked... . i feel/felt framed... .

My parents have tried a few times over the years to reconsile but only if i initiate it. The issues I have  is that they want me to take all the responsibility... . it feels sick, likethey did nothing wrong... . my moms physical abuse wasnt why i behaved badly... . ? She plays the same games my ex played with blame, projection, and generally just being stubborn... .

The real problem is I am the one stuck without  my MOM, brother, niece, etc.

If I dont take reaponsibility for this whole thing im not welcome in the family... . ive barely been a part of them for 20 years... . and it still hurts everyday... .

My mom cut her whole family out of her life... . because they all basically sided with me... . my step dad seems to be able to play on her weak person... . on the outside mom seems so strong but she cant take any responsibility and my step dad doesnt care... . my brother ha been brain washed... .

Im not sure my mom is full BPD but after 14 months with my ex, there are many similarities... .

I even asked for us to go to counseling as a family and NO.

Holidays are sad for me, always have been... . my mom hasnt reached out to me really in 15 years although I have 5-10 times and weve tried ti have relationship... . i always ended it in anger because they wont admit Any fault in this... . ita been really hard

I lost my whole FOO, i have my grandma aunts and cousins but my hearts still broken... .

Do I lat down, take the blame to have them all back?

Or what... . any guidance would help.

Love and peace

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Boisnix79, and welcome to this board.

It sounds like you are going through a lot right now. A breakup can be a lot to process, and it sounds like you are also going through a Breakthrough Crisis as well (See step one of the Survivor's Guide---> There can be some intense emotions during this time, and it's important to take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse you endured as a child.  :'( It was not ok for your mother to hit you, and it was not your fault. It sounds like she made you feel unwanted. Every child needs his parents' love, and I'm sorry your mother neglected to give you that. It sounds like your grandmother was able to help you by providing some real support and affection, and that is worth a lot.

You probably have already learned about "splitting." Many parents who have BPD split their children; one is often "all good" while the other is "all bad." It sounds like you were assigned the "all bad" role. This is arbitrary and has nothing to do with you or your value. However, your mother and perhaps others who learned her way of thinking may need to continue to see you this way, and there is probably nothing you can do to change that. By having someone she can project her own issues onto, she can avoid taking responsibility and experiencing shame herself. Children who have been split "all bad" often experience deep feelings of shame and depression. This workshop may have some helpful information for you: Toxic shame--what is it and what can we do about it?

I lost my whole FOO, i have my grandma aunts and cousins but my hearts still broken... .

Do I lat down, take the blame to have them all back?

I think it boils down to your values and boundaries. BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence Another question to ask yourself is whether doing that would make you feel better. What is the goal you want to achieve?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Boisnix79]

Thanks, the steps off to the right have opened up a hole new possibility for me... . to really fave this and get healthy!

Thanks god for my ex, i dont know if i would have ever learned all of this

Love and peace