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Author Topic: List of my day with my pwBPD. Help. I need to stop this.  (Read 508 times)
Cipher13
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« on: April 17, 2014, 10:01:02 AM »

Monday through Friday

•   Iron her clothes every morning

•   Make her a lunch every morning

•   Write her a note after making lunch every morning

•   I climb in bed for the last 10 mins or so before I leave for work every morning

•   Around 8 am I email her again and give her my schedule every morning

•   She responds within hour to hour and a half usually.

•   Contact throughout the day via texting and email.  If I do not respond in a timely manner (up to her what that looks like could be 5 to 10 mins) further texts/emails/phone calls follow to prove my whereabouts.  At this point even if I am busy at work I am ignoring her on purpose.

•   Lunch I text to tell her I am having lunch. We text for an hour. I text to tell her I am going back to work. On occasion I have gone back to work without texting her because she hadn’t responded to my last text in over 10 to 15 mins. Then she gets upset that I haven’t told her I was going back to work.

•   End of the day I text and say I am going home.

•   Text her that I let the dogs out and I am taking a walk or on the elliptical.

•   5:30 text her to ask if she is done. If so I am to call her.

•   I start the bath every day at this point for her.

•   She greets the dogs and takes a bath. Asks for water, her towel, for me to brush the dog, if need be I am asked to wash her bras. (Yes I said it).

•   I am now allowed to take my shower. If she is hungry I need to hurry and can shave a different day.

•   Every day I make dinner or go get dinner if we don’t have what she wants.

•   I wash the dishes or leave them until morning if she “needs” me to be with her.

•   She is ready for bed and the day is over. It’s only 7 or 730 at this point.

•   TV is what she wants to watch.

•   She will ask for her feet to be rubbed. (Not allowed to say no or I am... ”insert nasty name here”).

•   If she wants a snack from the store. I go. She asks for fish pill. I get it. (She hasn’t moved from the couch since she got out of the bath.)

•   She has to go to the bathroom. Asks me to go with her.

•   Dog barks in the basement I go to let it out. Dog brings Kong over for treats. I go to fill it.

•   I have to go to the bathroom. She says “Jokingly” no you didn’t clear it, or no I get to first…(we have 2 bathrooms).

•   Every time I leave to do something for her I’m asked if I will return.

•   9:15 to 9:30 time to go to bed. Even if I do not want to.

•   She is in bed and asks for night time pills and to pick out her clothes. I often fight this one and just tell her to.

•   In bed she asks for back rubs. Helps to calm her.

•   After that asks me to take her to the bathroom.

•   Sleep. Wake. Repeat.

Weekend/Holiday

•   Dogs wake up to go outside at 6:30 am. I take them she has never.

•   I return to bed even if I’m awake.

•   I wait until she feels it’s time to get up. Could be 730 or 8 or 10.

•   I make breakfast or go get groceries while she runs.

•   If its nice we ride bikes or she runs I roller blade.

•   Lunch doesn’t happen until after 130 or 2.

•   Dinner if it happens I make.

•   TV if on is her show or something I don’t mind.

•   If we go anywhere its short and mostly for her not always though.

•   Other things from week day apply... food, dishes, laundry (which she does help fold). 

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Wrongturn1
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« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2014, 11:02:46 AM »

  Wow, Cipher... . that's truly a stunning amount of tasks that you do for your wife... . I think the average person would either go postal or drop dead from stress after a few months of living this schedule.   

I'm sure you realize that the division of labor in your household is unbalanced and unhealthy at this point.  Unless your wife works 16-hour days every  single day or earns a multimillion-dollar salary, I would suggest some drastic changes:

1) If she wants something, she can get it herself.  Doing something for someone that they are capable of doing for themselves is not an act of love if done routinely.

2) Take turns dealing with the dogs so that you are not a slave to the dogs.

3) Take turns preparing meals.  Since you both work, it would be reasonable to come up with some division of labor when it comes to meals.  Granted, you would probably end up going out to eat every time it is your BPDw's turn to cook, but at least that would be less wear and tear on yourself.

4) You need uninterrupted sleep, so stop accompanying her to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  Also, she is an adult and is capable of going to the bathroom solo at all other times as well.

5) Working in some alone time (or just time away from her) could be really helpful for you.  Go in another room and practice the guitar for an hour every night, or better yet, schedule lessons outside the home once per week or more. 

Lots more could be said, but it sounds like there is plenty of room for improvement here.  I applaud you for taking a realistic look at your life to find out where changes are needed. 

And a final thought: you do not need your wife's permission to start making any of the changes mentioned here.  She might get mad at you - but then, she'll probably do that regardless of what you do.   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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maxsterling
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« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2014, 01:21:57 PM »

Boundaries.  I'd suggest taking a hard look at the things you do for her that she can do for herself.  I'm sure you already have.  The problem is, you are already in this pattern, and until you tell her "no" she will just ask for and expect more.  By not saying "no" you enable that behavior.  I have the same issues, and struggle myself with telling her "no".

I'm not sure where to start, but my guess is she will be upset.  But there is nothing you can do about that - you have to save yourself.

Start with one thing, to prove you can do it.  Have you read about the DEARMAN methods?  I was browsing those again yesterday, and think that could be useful here.  Find one of the things on your list, and try to convince her that if she handled that on her own, it would be worth her while.  "if you can take care of this on your own, that would leave me more time to spend with you later watching TV or doing something fun." 

You have to start somewhere, because this situation will eventually collapse you.  good luck.
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Cipher13
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« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2014, 02:46:22 PM »

Excerpt
5) Working in some alone time (or just time away from her) could be really helpful for you.  Go in another room and practice the guitar for an hour every night, or better yet, schedule lessons outside the home once per week or more. 

She will not allow any time for me to be alone if it all possible. And even that requires check ins.
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« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2014, 09:30:54 PM »

Cipher

May I ask how long married and roughly how old you are ?

Not trying to be nosy just trying to relate to my own path, married 25 years and in mid 40s.

My friend, read the steps on the right - especially step 2 - create some thinking space.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2014, 11:44:37 PM »

All I can say about your schedule is "WOW."

I agree--it is time for some boundaries.

My suggestion is to start with verbal/emotional abuse. (I saw this in another thread) I suggest you work on this boundary first because she will blow up at you if you enforce any other boundaries, or make any other changes. So start there.

I guess I dread the fallout from the arguing and hate the name calling. No matter how many years of it you don't get used to it just a little numb.

I've got two thoughts. First, you may dread it... . but you have survived it for years, and you are still around. It hasn't killed you yet, so perhaps you can let go of some of the fear.

Second, this can be dealt with by one of the simplest, cleanest, boundaries.

If she starts calling names (or otherwise being verbally abusive to you), simply say "I'm not going to listen to (insert your description for verbal abuse here)." and then walk out of the room. [Or say goodbye and hang up the phone if you are out/at work.]

Do you think you could do this?
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Cipher13
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« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2014, 05:56:43 AM »

Excerpt
Cipher

May I ask how long married and roughly how old you are ? Mid 30s. Married 13 years

Not trying to be nosy just trying to relate to my own path, married 25 years and in mid 40s.

Excerpt
I've got two thoughts. First, you may dread it... . but you have survived it for years, and you are still around. It hasn't killed you yet, so perhaps you can let go of some of the fear. I agree I need to for my own well being

Second, this can be dealt with by one of the simplest, cleanest, boundaries.

If she starts calling names (or otherwise being verbally abusive to you), simply say "I'm not going to listen to (insert your description for verbal abuse here)." and then walk out of the room. [Or say goodbye and hang up the phone if you are out/at work.]

Do you think you could do this?  I tried 2 separate times when I felt it was to a level where it was too much and tried to leave. She blocked the bedroom door the first times and blocked the car door the second time. I have also tried the silent/ignoring treatment. I said I will not respond t o you unless to stop yelling at me liek that. It was a horrible experience. I have never seen her desolve to that level it was liek watching a 2 year old cry and beg and whale for the toy in the store  they ere told they couldn't have for 45 straight minutes

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Surnia
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« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2014, 06:35:36 AM »

Cipher

what a list.  :'(

What you are doing here with this list is very brave in my eyes. Its about facing reality. Your reality with her.

Time to think about your goals, wishes and dreams in life. And how to get there... .

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Wrongturn1
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« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2014, 10:34:31 AM »

She will not allow any time for me to be alone if it all possible. And even that requires check ins.

Cipher: Because I care and to try to lend some perspective, I'll point out that the statement above could be re-written as follows:

"I consistently choose to skip out on activities that would be healthy for me because I am afraid that my mentally ill wife would accuse me of wrongdoing or otherwise verbally abuse me if I pursue any interests that are separate from her."

I know.  I have been there.  A few years ago, I was making the same choices.  Then something happened that made me decide to stop.  A group of my local musician friends had arranged a gathering/jam session one night at the home of one of the (male) musicians.  Fearing that I would face accusations and verbal abuse from my wife if I decided to attend the gathering/jam session, I decided not to go and just stay at home with my wife.  Guess what?  My wife dished out a heaping helping of accusations and verbal abuse that night anyway (and I unwisely stayed around and absorbed it without walking away).  I was shocked by the injustice of the situation where I stayed home and sacrificed an activity that I really wanted in an attempt to prevent the dysregulation, but the dysregulation still happened anyway.

That night, I decided that this scenario would never happen again.  When there is a healthy activity outside the home that I want to pursue, I pursue it.  And I do not submit to excessive check-ins while I am out.  If my wife decides to get upset about that, it is her problem.  I have chosen to not allow her to abuse me or keep me from activities that improve my quality of life.

My new behavior was a bit of an adjustment for my wife, and she did get upset on a few occasions early on.  But now, I go do things as I please, usually without any BPD repercussions.  This has been huge for my mental health, and my wife seems to be controlling her emotions a lot better these days (probably in large part due to the changes I have made).  As a recent example, just this week, I spent Tuesday and Wednesday out of town traveling out of state for business... . then on Thursday, instead of staying home with my wife, I went to a professional networking function after work, then went to a jam session with several of my local musician friends... . and in spite of all that, I got no accusations, verbal abuse, or dysregulation from my uBPDw.  [Full disclosure: she's definitely not cured but has made major progress... . she did ask me twice if women were hitting on me while I was out traveling - but those conversations stayed jokey and not angry and did not devolve into dysregulated episodes... . she actually presented it as a compliment, saying that I looked so good she figured women would be approaching me.]

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maxsterling
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« Reply #9 on: April 18, 2014, 01:48:04 PM »

Wrongturn - that's very encouraging!

A question, though - did she ever make threats against herself if you went off and did something on your own?  That seems to be a bigger issue with me right now.  I can get myself in a mindset of "let her be mad", but when "mad" could mean suicidal ideation or self-harming, it changes my perspective.
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« Reply #10 on: April 18, 2014, 02:03:05 PM »

Max:  My uBPDw has expressed suicidal ideation multiple times, but not specifically as a threat against me going somewhere.  I did think about it though, and decided that I will not take vague suicidal ideation seriously, but if she makes any specific, immediate suicide threats, I will immediately dial 911 and let her sort it out with the first responders - and I will let her explain it to our neighbors who would definitely be asking questions about the commotion in the cul-de-sac.  Ideally, I would try to record the specific threat with one of my mobile devices that I typically carry so I would have some proof, but I would proceed with the 911 call regardless.  I haven't had to do this yet, but I would not hesitate... . I refuse to be controlled that way.
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Wrongturn1
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« Reply #11 on: April 18, 2014, 02:08:30 PM »

Oh, and non-suicidal self-harm is not something my wife does, aside from overeating and alcohol consumption (which those are her issues and I let her deal with them).  In the past (years before I ever learned about BPD), she would relatively frequently "accidentally" cut her legs while shaving... . as in not just a small cut, but a stream of blood running from knee to floor... . which now I suspect may have been intentional cutting.  But the cutting does not happen anymore that I'm aware of.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #12 on: April 20, 2014, 12:21:18 PM »

Excerpt
Second, this can be dealt with by one of the simplest, cleanest, boundaries.

If she starts calling names (or otherwise being verbally abusive to you), simply say "I'm not going to listen to (insert your description for verbal abuse here)." and then walk out of the room. [Or say goodbye and hang up the phone if you are out/at work.]

Do you think you could do this?  I tried 2 separate times when I felt it was to a level where it was too much and tried to leave. She blocked the bedroom door the first times and blocked the car door the second time. I have also tried the silent/ignoring treatment. I said I will not respond t o you unless to stop yelling at me liek that. It was a horrible experience. I have never seen her desolve to that level it was liek watching a 2 year old cry and beg and whale for the toy in the store  they ere told they couldn't have for 45 straight minutes


So now we know two things. First, she is willing to try very hard to keep you there. Second, she believes that by throwing that kind of fit, she can get what she wants from you.

I'd like to point something out to you. Blocking somebody's access to leave while verbally abusing someone is domestic abuse in most situation. So keep your phone with you and you can say this:

"You cannnot keep me here to verbally abuse me. If you do not stop or let me go, I will call 911."

Please note--restraining somebody also qualifies as domestic violence, and in many jurisdictions, the police tend to arrest men in DV cases regardless of the actual situation, so you could be at a disadvantage. (I'd recommend having a voice recorder going for evidence if you think it may come to this.)

This requires you to get over a LOT of fear and issues. Instead of starting there, I'd suggest telling her when you go to work that you will not be checking in with her during the day.

This is an easier boundary to implement. You can choose not to answer your phone, not even read her txt messages or emails all day. She sounds very unlikely to go to your workplace and bother you directly there.

She may escalate at home... . but she can't block anything while you are at work.

This is simple... . that doesn't mean it is easy!

Hang in there!
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« Reply #13 on: April 21, 2014, 08:49:10 AM »

Yeah I'd not call the cops unless you have witnesses and a voice recording, or you literally still have the knife sticking out of you.  She'll turn into miss victim the instant they arrive and make up false claims.

At the same time, you need to be prepared to bolt quick so she has no time to block you.  Keys/phone/wallet in pocket.  A spare prepaid phone hidden in the car (under the spare is where I kept mine, not easily found if she opens the trunk, or taped under the drivers seat), along with an envelope that has some checks/cash/spare credit cards/etc.  What she's doing would be called false imprisonment in my jurisdiction if you can get it documented properly.  An arrest would likely land her in a court mandated counseling program as part of a diversion treatment program for first offenders.  It could honestly help her in the long run.

Have you spoken with a L on how to navigate this?  Specifically a L with experience defending men from DV charges?  Also, a discrete trip by the local police precinct and just talking with an officer about the situation and how to protect yourself from being arrested in the event of a situation like that would help too.  They'll tell you to leave and not go back first off, but specifically talk to them about if there are mandatory arrest laws where you are, how the identify the primary aggressor, etc.  Ask them what their procedures for a domestic call are and make sure you understand their thinking.  Don't call them unless you've done your homework on how they operate, and you have recordings and/or witnesses to document your story.  And keep it simple when they get here.  "She got abusive, I tried to leave, she blocked me from leaving."

Also, she can't stand in a doorway forever, she can't block a driveway forever, etc.  You can also jsut wait her out.  Might take hours, but you can do it.  Sometimes you can wait for her rant to slow down, and then bolt when she's not expecting it.  You can also be observant during her rages and if she gets abusive, slyly pickup your keys/phone/wallet, not make a move, not do anything to let her know you're bolting, and then when she moves into a position where the way is clear, bolt.  If you can't get to the car, leave on foot.  Head to a local restaurant, grab a seat, and have something to eat and drink to calm down.  Let her freak, let her blow up your phone, etc.  Don't respond.  If you need to, call a cab for a ride to a hotel.  Or wait a few hours and make a stealth run back to get your car when she's not looking or is out driving around herself looking for you.

Just remember to not to respond to her calls/texts when you've left. 

Whatever you do, DON'T LAY A HAND ON HER.  If she hits you, try to get away, but don't block, don't try to restrain her, nothing.  Cover up, and try to get away, and that's it.  Do nothing that could be construed as aggressive.  The bruises heal a lot faster than a criminal record, even just an arrest for DV but no conviction can be a scarlet letter for you later.

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Cipher13
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« Reply #14 on: April 21, 2014, 10:46:25 AM »

Had a really nice weekend. Spend weekend at her parents house. Her mom snet me a text this morning asking how things were going. I said depends on the day. Over the weekend things were great. Couple days prior... . stuff was hitting the fan. Today so far so good. Then I spoke to soon because I didn't reply to my wives email form this morning until I was taking my lunch break. She thought I was a jerk for being that way. 

There is a lot to talk about at the T session tomorrow.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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GaGrl
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« Reply #15 on: April 21, 2014, 11:37:17 AM »

Has the T seen the list you made?  I think that would be an excellent starting point for a therapy session.
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Cipher13
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« Reply #16 on: April 22, 2014, 06:01:16 AM »

No. I have not shown the T the list. Since its couples I think it would set my wife to the moon. However I have mentioned this a few times to the T in some one on ones. But didn't create this list until last week. The focus this time is on her not feeling that she can trust me no matter what I do. And nothing is getting better.

However I know why but since she has not clue about BPD or that she might have it its always going to be liek this. I can't change that no matter how much she thinks its my fault for making her feel this way. I wish we had 2 hours or more. Feels like there is too much to talk about and not enough time to get it all in.

I'd like to see if I can get to mention reconnedting with my family. I felt that eventually where the last session was going near the end.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #17 on: April 22, 2014, 06:08:07 PM »

I have a recommendation about what to do in counseling and what to leave for elsewhere.

If you need to negotiate something with your wife... . or need her to take action to achieve what you want, the councilor can probably help.

Other things can be accomplished by deciding that you will do them, and enforcing a boundary if needed. Your wife does not have to agree to anything, all she has to do is find a way to deal with the new reality.

This is one of those things you can do on your own:

I'd like to see if I can get to mention reconnedting with my family. I felt that eventually where the last session was going near the end.

All you need to do is start calling your family, visiting your family, scheduling activities with your family. You don't need your wife's permission or blessing for this. In fact, you shouldn't ask her about doing this. Instead, tell her you are doing it, or simply let her notice that you are doing it, and if she asks, say that you are spending time with your family. (As a statement, not a request.)

Your wife can join you. She can stay home. She can throw a tantrum. All her choices. But if YOU decide you are going to be involved with your family, only YOU are involved in actually DOING it.

Does this sound possible for you?
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« Reply #18 on: April 23, 2014, 07:10:57 AM »

May I ask how this list evolved ? did it grew longer through the years or has she been so commanding since the beginning ?

maybe she was raised up like this ?

maybe she was used to her parents taking care for her to the extreme ?

I must say this reminds me in a very uncomfortable way to the way my dad used to command things and my mother having a similar list towards him except that in those days there was no texting and mailing and my father was usually gone several days  a week, which meant peace and quiet in the house for a while  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

this behaviour (in a slightly lesser intensity) was actually quite common in the older generation-couples and it was usually the husband who was being served and the housewife fulfilling all his needs, it still gives me a bitter taste in my mouth if I think back on those days and remembering all the fights that came up when my mum tried to set her own boundaries... .

and no, my dad did not have a personality disorder (though there were many similar behaviours) but one partner dominating and bullying and the other bowing the head to keep the peace is/was unfortunately much more widely spread than you'd think... .

but you're young and you 're having a job on top of all this, so you can't let all this happen to you, things should change... . don't give up and hopefully things will change for the better !
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« Reply #19 on: April 23, 2014, 09:10:23 AM »

Excerpt
May I ask how this list evolved ? did it grew longer through the years or has she been so commanding since the beginning ?

One day I just decided to document my day. I was feelign like I was doing everything for her and she wasn't even taking care of herself. It was never quite this long a few years ago.

Had the counseling apt last night. It wente pretty well. She did not think so. She was asked about things I do for her that she can rely on. (the perfect time for this list). She said she couldn't think of anythign possitive. I rattled off several items from this list without blinking.  She was asked to write down what iit would be liek if she no longer had me around (if I died or soemthing). She was grumbling on the way home and even today saying how does writting crap down help me to trust you.
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« Reply #20 on: April 23, 2014, 02:42:38 PM »

Had the counseling apt last night. It wente pretty well. She did not think so.

I dunno whether it went well or not. It does feel good to be shown or proven right about something.

However proving your pwBPD wrong has a really bad track record of improving circumstances in any way, I'm sorry to say. If the counselor is starting to get your wife's number, that could help, if your wife will change things based on how the counselor frames it.
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« Reply #21 on: April 23, 2014, 03:11:52 PM »

Excerpt
Had the counseling apt last night. It wente pretty well. She did not think so. She was asked about things I do for her that she can rely on. (the perfect time for this list). She said she couldn't think of anythign possitive. I rattled off several items from this list without blinking.  She was asked to write down what iit would be liek if she no longer had me around (if I died or soemthing). She was grumbling on the way home and even today saying how does writting crap down help me to trust you.

Okay, just my opinion here, maybe I'm wrong, but... .

You're wife is just plain devaluing you.  She has to so she can justify how she treats you.  The T is trying to get her to recognize that you are valuable to her.  Her saying how writing it down doesn't help to trust you is a smoke screen.  What does that have to do with acknowledging everything you do for her?  She doesn't want to change.  She's trying to distract and reframe the discussion to match her dictatorial terms.  The fact is she doesn't care how much or what you do, she just always wants more.  And she's using this "trust" thing to keep you walking on egg shells, always motivated to try to prove yourself to her by doing more and more for her, and therefore under her control.  It wouldn't surprise me if she really didn't have trust issues for real but is just BS'ing you and T to keep everyone's attention on trying to please her.

You don't have to prove jack to her.  You don't have to do things that she can be reasonably expected to do for herself.  You're playing this game on her terms, and still running in circles from all the double binds because this whole situation is not really about you proving your trust.  It's about her entitlement and need to be the center of attention and the things she does to keep you in a subservient role.  It won't change until you stop chasing her approval.

Sorry if I seem harsh.  Maybe it's just my cynicism coming through about BPD's.
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Cipher13
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« Reply #22 on: April 23, 2014, 03:51:32 PM »

Waddams

I agree with your thoughts on this. Just an hour ago she applied me to a job in another state. So now I have someone interested in me that I had not intention of calling. I have a hard time telling her no to things and this is what happens.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #23 on: April 23, 2014, 06:15:58 PM »

Waddams

I agree with your thoughts on this. Just an hour ago she applied me to a job in another state. So now I have someone interested in me that I had not intention of calling. I have a hard time telling her no to things and this is what happens.

That is a massive boundary buster. Unbelievable.

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« Reply #24 on: April 23, 2014, 09:13:49 PM »

Good !#@$!@# grief!

Did she really fill in a job application for you, on your behalf?

Or did she nag you into doing it?

Either way, this is way beyond out of line!

If you didn't actually apply, I would (upon being called) explain to the the person contacting you that you didn't actually apply for the job and (depending on which is true), either A) you don't know who did, or B) your wife did it without asking you... . and you aren't interested right now.
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« Reply #25 on: April 24, 2014, 06:21:15 AM »

She sent the job description to me. Then since she has access to my resume and stuff she emailed it to the place. I know this person from a previous job where he was supplier I had worked with on occasion. I was floored. Then last night I see and email from someone local that contacted me to see if I was interested in a position. I thought I'd check that one out since it was local and maybe a career boost. I was trying to figure out how I wanted to phrase my email reply. She typed it for me and sent it without me proofing it. I only asked for some suggestions on what to say. 
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Waddams
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« Reply #26 on: April 24, 2014, 09:07:30 AM »

I once got in a massive fight with uBPDxgf because she wanted to type out a response to an email from an old marriage counselor I'd seen with uPDxw that had to do with some parenting conflicts at the time.  I ended up logging out, refusing to log back in, etc. because uBPDxgf was insisting on doing it for me.  She got ugly, was demanding passwords, etc. 

It's not fun to have to defend your boundaries against these attacks, but you have to do it.  Regardless of how ugly things get, if you are gonig to reclaim your life, you have to put your foot down against this sort of thing.  I'd be wondering what else she has done that you haven't discovered yet as well.

Situations like this can be a blessing in disguise, though.  She's gift-wrapped an opportunity for you to have reason to make an issue of this behavior and set new boundaries, and hold them no matter how hard she tries to break them down.
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« Reply #27 on: April 24, 2014, 09:38:25 AM »

Cipher: that behavior on your wife's part is way out-of-bounds.  This would be good reason to start imposing some limits on the behavior you will accept.  Also, depending on how much information is in your resume, you might consider letting your employer know that your mentally ill wife applied for at least 2 jobs on your behalf without your knowledge or permission and that you are happy in your current position and are not looking to leave.
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« Reply #28 on: April 24, 2014, 03:27:16 PM »

She's gift-wrapped an opportunity for you to have reason to make an issue of this behavior and set new boundaries, and hold them no matter how hard she tries to break them down.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) +1 on this!

The boundary I'd suggest is one of completely separating your email from hers--Don't let her have your password, don't let her read your emails (unless you forward them to her or show them to her). If you have an email you use jointly, stop it one way or another.

A couple years ago, I split my email from my wife's. She did worry/freak out about it at the time. But within a very short period of time, she realized it was much better for both of us.

I'd also keep her away from your phone, for the same reason.

One more suggestion: Stop talking to her about your job/career. She isn't going to "help" you in any way that is productive, she's proven that.
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« Reply #29 on: April 24, 2014, 04:33:22 PM »

Cipher in reality the last person you need to be taking career advice from is your wife.  She can't manage the pressures of her own job well enough to be doing this... . It's like the asking a blind man to give you directions.  Sometimes when people have codependent traits they grasp for control of other people instead...   This is codependency at its finest. So adding to the the issues in marriage counseling ... . this is discussion worthy.

If you are nervous about talking about this what about bringing it up in therapy?
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