Stop me calling her

[Front runner]

Hi,

I've been brutally discarded in latest recycle.  It feels more final and was more brutal than all the others. 

To cut a long story short I came back to an empty house - All her stuff gone.  I phoned and texted for  days no response.  Then finally got a 'You didn't deserve to be treated like that, you have to let me go now I did love you' response. Ive never felt such finality before in her tone but as we know words/actions dont always tally

I tried phoning once in 5 days and left a 'relaxed' voicemail... . No reply.

Im hanging on by my finger tips not to make contact.  I want some kind of reconciliation even though I don't.  The relationship was very destructive. 

The feeling I get from other threads is that if you want them back no contact is the only way. Show of strength etc. Im needy and desperate right now. In the past I have phoned and we have got back together.  This time it feels permanent.  Probably because she has my replacement now other than any old FB. And her words were tough to digest.  If she does have a serious replacement whats the best way to go about things if you do at some point want her back?

Thanks

[In_n_Out]

The text that you received was nearly identical to the one that I received the first (permanent) time that me and my ex broke up; "You deserve to be happy.  I love you but please, let me go".  That or a similar text in the early months after the breakup. We actually went through a lull where I was so damned relieved that she was gone... . that lasted about 3 months and then I really started to miss her.  I made contact and those were the responses that I was getting back.

Want to follow my lead?  Think long and hard on that one, but if so, I would reach out to her every few days and that response was the one that I would get back.  I didn't beg but I recall saying something to the effect of "the time that we spent together, all that we went through, I think that I at least deserve to see it in your eyes that you want me out of your life.  And if you tell me to my face that is the case, then I will go and we can part amicably."  That led to a lunch meeting where my fears were first confirmed; she was in fact seeing somebody else already. 

Here we are now, a couple of months shy of a year and we are stuck in triangulation/recycle/emotional rollercoaster heaven and hell.

Would I do that over again?  Hell, I don't know.  That 3 month lull where she wasn't on my mind and I was starting to workout again and starting to reconnect with old friends and family were very productive ones for me.  But then the longing for her began and now it's a day to day thing to where I'm happy with the "progress" to going to sad and depressed that she's giving me the silent treatment and she's gone again after an emotional dysregulation. 

Is that what is going on in your case?  I can't say that it is but it seems that the BPD playbook is passed around amongst many of our pwBPD's with the words that they say and the actions that they do so frankly, and brutally honestly, I wouldn't be surprised one bit if she has a new attachment but yet, she won't let you go.  Not just yet.

[Front runner]

In n out,

Thank you for your reply.

I don't want to be triangulated this time. I have been in the past

And it hurts like hell.

From your post I get the impression you'd turn back time?

So to avoid that . What's the best way forward?

Thanks

[Front runner]

Yes, it's exactly like that. Everything's fine and dandy, life's sweet then

BANG.

Depression anxiety, ruminating then BANG

Contact - bliss relaxation contentment. Control safety etc then

BANG

Want to die this is final.

[In_n_Out]

I wish that I had the knowledge then about BPD that I have now.  Our problems came because I couldn't understand the emotional highs and lows and it would frustrate me to know end that I couldn't communicate with her without being blamed for my tone of voice (calm and relaxed) or the words that I said (that were invalidating of her emotions... . I was being *too* logical and rational).  Our r/s finally went south when I think she realized that she wasn't going to get from me what she wanted right away... . marriage, a house, a child and her not having to work.  Her biological clock began ticking too loudly and she couldn't ignore it any longer so she began to become very difficult to be around and the more frustrated that I became with her, the more she began to paint me black.  Then the time came when she had another attachment lined up and she made the jump.  But now, we are triangulating because she (nor I) can't release the "parent-child" bond that we have.

Turn back the clock?  Yeah, perhaps to the day before I ever met her but no... . I won't say that.  I have learned a lot about myself and about interpersonal relationships from this experience.  Look up posts by a user here named "2010".  His expertise and knowledge is quite profound and you will gain a lot of insight.  One thing that he mentions over and over is learning from this to become a better you... . after you've left the r/s.