So I've asked for her to leave me alone now - she won't

[spicelover]

Yesterday we had our catchup and it didn't go too well.  She's really pushing me away hard.  Wouldn't give me proper closure and kept talking about down the track kind of stuff.  So I did it for her and said I think best not to see each other, or contact each other anymore (with the exception of anything to do with our house).  I was very nice about it too, and just said it would be for the best.

She wrote me a nasty email last night accusing me of all kinds of things which was very upsetting to me.  Basically I'd used her to make my ex-wife jealous and all sorts of things which is complete rubbish.  She's really said some crazy things. So I asked her to stop emailing me and to leave me alone.  All night she was sending emails. 

Then I woke up this morning and she's emailing me again, and saying she's coming to see me today.  I said please don't, and she's ignoring me and wrote back that she'll be in anyway.  I'm starting to freak out a bit.

Is this the pull part of her seeing that she's losing control?

[AwakenedOne]

Hey spicelover,

She isn't respecting your boundaries now looks like. So after you sent the nice closure email to her yesterday she got angry? Or you didn't send it and she got angry? I don't get how she doesn't want to be with you and then is seeking you out now to tell you of all your faults? Be careful.



AO

[spicelover]

I know right?  I'm actually scared a bit.  I sent the letter and she replied with a tirade of angst against all of my points on what I've done to make it better for us. 

I've replied to most of her emails with very short responses and re-enforcing that I don't want her to come near me.  I feel like the girl I fell in love with was all made up and a dream.  I'm deeply sad and miss her... . but I don't like the person she's been hiding.  I still don't know if she's BPD, but 100% possesses a lot of traits I've read.  There's certainly something not right  

In my very last email after she ignored the suggestion I made that she at least looked BPD up, I sent this and asked her if any of it sounded familiar:

Difficulty coping with fear of abandonment and loss;expressing inappropriate anger towards others whom they consider responsible for how they feel; a fragile sense of self and one’s place in the world; frequent questioning and changing of emotions or attitudes towards others, and towards aspects of life such as goals, career, living arrangements.

That's her summed up right there.  All of it.  She loves someone one day, and HATES them the next.  She is extremely anxious about everything in her life.  She's changed careers/jobs more than anyone I've ever met (went from being high paid executive, to working in a bar, to flight attendant, to massage therapist in 2 years).  She's had more rentals and room mates than I can keep up with.  She's always been the one to break up with her partner, and she admitted to me once that it was always because she knew they were going to break up with her so she thought she'd get in first.

[AwakenedOne]

Telling her by the way you might have BPD = in her mind by the way you think she's crazy. That subject has been discussed a lot in this forum. Seems like it is mostly recommended not to tell them this. She's going to be mad at that now right? You meant well though, I understand. You both can not communicate to each other due to this mental disorder and/or for other reasons. Real communication and problem solving with somebody with BPD is almost impossible. It's unfortunate you have to deal with her about your house. Sorry your in this sad and frustrating position. I relate and feel for you man.  

[Mutt]

Telling her by the way you might have BPD = in her mind by the way you think she's crazy. That subject has been discussed a lot in this forum. Seems like it is mostly recommended not to tell them this. She's going to be mad at that now right? You meant well though, I understand. You both can not communicate to each other due to this mental disorder and/or for other reasons. Real communication and problem solving with somebody with BPD is almost impossible. It's unfortunate you have to deal with her about your house. Sorry your in this sad and frustrating position. I relate and feel for you man.  

AO makes valid points.

Closure with a pwBPD is something that not a lot of members have gotten, including myself. That's partly why these break-ups are so painful, lack of proper closure. It's best to give yourself closure.

The best way that I have been able to communicate with my ex (she is mostly in Queen / Witch role with me) is to send her BIFF emails and stick to it.

B.I.F.F. Technique for Email Communications

[spicelover]

Thanks guys. 

@AO: yeah that's pretty much how she took it   She said she'd do some reading, but I couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic.  We used to communicate really well, I don't understand.  This is really very emotional for me.  I feel like I've lost my best friend to a tragic death, but they come to me in my dreams all the time so they're gone, but not really.  Does that make sense?

@Mutt: Thanks so much for the BIFF communciation technique link.  Funnily enough that's naturally how I communicate with my ex-wife, and how I've started with my ex-gf.  Oh man... . so many ex's

The good thing today is she seems to have taken the hint.  I haven't heard a word since I asked her to repect my wishes.

[AwakenedOne]

@AO: yeah that's pretty much how she took it  She said she'd do some reading, but I couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic.  We used to communicate really well, I don't understand.  This is really very emotional for me.  I feel like I've lost my best friend to a tragic death, but they come to me in my dreams all the time so they're gone, but not really.  :)oes that make sense?

Yes I understand. It's hard. I get you also that you had plans and dreams and then poof in a cloud of confusion they evaporate. Over time the pain will lessen.

These saying about "wait till the dust settles" and etc... . like she is telling you, a lot of times are I think BS. I have been told this stuff a couple of times. One ex said "She was getting on the bus and going around and she might stop at my bus stop again in life". Another ex said she "needed to find herself first and then we might be together one day". I'm just telling you this so you don't get let down and double heart broken later. Who knows though. God is in control, at least that's my belief.

[spicelover]

Ohhh yeah... . "when the dust settles" is her favourite at the moment.  She says she needs to work on herself, and I need to work on myself.  She said we need to do there journey's separately, then if everything lines up at the moment who knows.  But I believe in a relationship where people work on things together, and she's not up for that obviously.  I can't be so close with someone, then turn it off while they figure out what they want to do, then switch it back on again if they feel like it  

I won't go back... . if it does happen that she comes knocking down the track, I will have probably moved on.  I never go back to ex's. 

[AwakenedOne]

One ex said "She was getting on the bus and going around and she might stop at my bus stop again in life".

I'll tell you what one of my "dust settle saying" peeps did:

I saw her about a year later at a gas station in town on the other side of the place, she saw me too. As I was recognizing her, she gave me a hand gesture like shoeing a fly away (you know like go on). Then I see this dude walk over to her from inside and hug her. Her boyfriend. The whole moment lasted 30 seconds.

[numb_buddha]

I feel like the girl I fell in love with was all made up and a dream. 

Bingo.

[Mutt]

@Mutt: Thanks so much for the BIFF communciation technique link.  Funnily enough that's naturally how I communicate with my ex-wife, and how I've started with my ex-gf.  Oh man... . so many ex's

The good thing today is she seems to have taken the hint.  I haven't heard a word since I asked her to repect my wishes.

AO she may be respecting your wishes now, remember you are dealing with an emotionally immature person. My ex will only respect boundaries for so long. She will test them every so often. Rinse / repeat. Be vigilant and aware of this, defend your boundaries!