Can one have a 'tendency' towards BPD and not the full condition?

[Lobmekab]

Hi all,

Two weeks ago my best friend told me that they had been diagnosed with BPD. This followed a discussion we were having over her hurtful actions, where she would blow-up and me in public and put me down frequently in front of other people. After researching the condition, I followed up our discussion with a message of my support; that I am willing to support her through her BPD and that I really want to see her succeed. I was thanked for this message, but ultimately my willingness to support her has, in a sense, been rejected. Apparently because I didn't act quickly enough to let her know that her actions were hurting my feelings so how was she to know that she was doing anything wrong? In this same reply, she also mentioned that she has a "tendency towards BPD but not the full condition".

I am wondering if a tendency towards BPD is possible. From the extensive research I have done, her behavior ticks every single BPD box right down to episodes of dissociation. I am also wondering if it is possible that she initially used her diagnosis of BPD as a "get out of jail free card" in our early discussion (rightfully so, if she does indeed have the condition) to dispel my accusations. And to support her argument that I am in the wrong and that perhaps "she isn't the crazy one, I am", she has down-graded her BPD diagnosis to 'tendencies towards BPD'.

This is having a huge effect on me at the moment - we have known one another for almost 20 years. I am beginning to lose a lot of sleep over this.

Any help here would be much appreciated. Thank you wonderful people! 

[Calm Waters]

Hi, my understanding is that we are all on a mental health spectrum and as we live our life we move along that spectrum. I myself I realise have both borderline and narcissistic traits as a result of my abusive childhood and my parents 'traits' so yes we can all have traits that do not necessarily add up to full blown NPD or BPD, however for me these traits can be triggered and therefore come to the fore by life's and relational circumstances, this is part of the madness of BPD, its is ever changing and amorphous depending on the person, their traits, the circumstances and relationships they find themselves in and ultimately and most importantly their awareness of their traits. So you friend has made a good start by becoming aware, that person must now try to understand their traits, where they stem from, how they are triggered and how that effects those around them. There is a lot of good research and anecdote on this site and in the many books that have been written about BPD and NPd  - hope that helps - Calm

[Turkish]

Hi all,

Two weeks ago my best friend told me that they had been diagnosed with BPD. This followed a discussion we were having over her hurtful actions, where she would blow-up and me in public and put me down frequently in front of other people. After researching the condition, I followed up our discussion with a message of my support; that I am willing to support her through her BPD and that I really want to see her succeed. I was thanked for this message, but ultimately my willingness to support her has, in a sense, been rejected. Apparently because I didn't act quickly enough to let her know that her actions were hurting my feelings so how was she to know that she was doing anything wrong? In this same reply, she also mentioned that she has a "tendency towards BPD but not the full condition".

I am wondering if a tendency towards BPD is possible. From the extensive research I have done, her behavior ticks every single BPD box right down to episodes of dissociation. I am also wondering if it is possible that she initially used her diagnosis of BPD as a "get out of jail free card" in our early discussion (rightfully so, if she does indeed have the condition) to dispel my accusations. And to support her argument that I am in the wrong and that perhaps "she isn't the crazy one, I am", she has down-graded her BPD diagnosis to 'tendencies towards BPD'.

This is having a huge effect on me at the moment - we have known one another for almost 20 years. I am beginning to lose a lot of sleep over this.

Any help here would be much appreciated. Thank you wonderful people!  

It is correct that it is a spectrum disorder. If she was diagnosed, however, then she had or has at least 5/9 of the diagnostic criteria (regardless of you assessment). Blaming you is a typical coping mechanism. My uBPDx told me, "you should have told me the real reason you didn't want to have DD2 was due to you concern about my emotional stability." and "you should have been the one to get us into couples' therapy." I was the one who was supposed to "stand up" to her abuse, etc... . Bsically, they are looking for Parent to fill that core abandonment wound which resulted them in never learning to parent themselves after caregiver attachment/detachment in infancy.

"I hate you/don't leave me!" I've gotten to experience this in real time raising two little children. Add this emotional immaturity to an adult body and intellect, and it is nothing short of confusing to us nons. Having started raising the kids while learning about BPD (and experiencing it with their mother), I find it quite fascinating, and it also helps me deal better with our children.

As for this site, it should be noted that a lot of the nons come here in order to deal with pwBPD tendencies which would technically be sub-clinical. That is to say, our pwBPD might not be BPD. My mom, for instance, has several BPD traits (in retrospect I see), but I don't think would qualify for a full-blown dX.

As I said first, though, if yours was diagnosed, then she has it. It probably wouldn't be fruitful to try to hash this out with her. Denial is a defense mechanism for pwBPD (or anyone, for that matter). Be thankful that she accepted it at all. Many never do. Hopefully, she will get the proper therapy and stick with it. You can support her in this, but you are also probably a trigger. It might help to go through the communication tools found in the Lessons (#3) on the Staying Board so you can better engage without triggering.

[maxsterling]

I know my GF is diagnosed.  She still easily meets 9/9 criteria.  When I read the list, I can think of numerous examples for all 9. 

My SIL was also recently diagnosed.  Her personality is similar to my GF's personality, but there are also some glaring differences:  I've never seen her take action to avoid abandonment and she doesn't split others that much (I've never really seen her paint someone black).  And, while she is socially awkward, she's still very functional in taking care of herself.  She could have been incorrectly diagnosed as BPD, but if she is BPD, her symptoms are not nearly as debilitating as those of my GF.

My mom has never been diagnosed BPD, but my dad says she once had many of the same behaviors as my GF.  She has the raging and the emotional instability my GF has, a few issues with abandonment, but nothing more.   So that would be about 2/9 criteria. 

My feeling is that all of us will probably have 1-2 behaviors that could be consistent with BPD (who really likes being abandoned?), but really if your friend was diagnosed BPD, she would have had to meet more than just 1-2 behaviors. 

[DreamFlyer99]

Hi Lobmekab--

I know in my experience with my undiagnosed husband (my therapist suggested I read Randi Kreger's book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and there he was) it's true that someone else is generally blamed for what's wrong because of the way the pwBPD sees life. It's a painful place to live, inside their heads. If a person lacks a strong picture of who they are as a person, it's much harder to accept that they are the one who made the mistake--it shakes them more deeply than it would someone else. There can be a lot of what seems like "game playing" coming from a pwBPD, but it's behavior motivated by the faulty core belief that they are not worthy of being loved and in fact are sure to be abandoned. With my husband that's led to him reacting to me like i'm the schoolyard bully and he needs to defend himself. His emotions run bigger whichever direction they go, up or down.

It might help if you get an understanding of what it's like to be inside her head, and there's an article for that: BPD Behaviors: How it feels to have BPD

I just remember how it changed things once I understood that his logic was not my logic because we came from such an essentially different place in our core beliefs.

This is the newer book by Randi Kreger: Essential Family Guide

The whole BPD thing boils down to a collection of individual traits anyway, and we nonBPD sufferers can learn to respond to any of the individual traits in more effective ways. There are actually a lot of tools on the Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner that are quite helpful.

The best thing is to just keep learning and asking questions like you're doing.