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Author Topic: BPD and children/babies  (Read 828 times)
Iwilldecide

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« on: April 23, 2014, 08:16:52 AM »

I've noticed that some of the BPD's I know don't like children. Especially babies. My uncle who is BPD/npd barely paid his children any attention until they reached the age of 12 or 13. Have any of you noticed this trait also with BPDs in your life?
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ziniztar
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« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2014, 08:37:05 AM »

I don't have any experience, but can imagine this. Attention that usually went to them is now diverted to the care of the newborn. It can provoke feelings of abandonment. Plus the stress of the responsibility can be too much and cause resentment, and feelings of inadequacy?

My dBPDbf is in love with children, I don't think I've ever met anyone that is so good with them. I don't know if he'll feel the same about his own Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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froggy
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« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2014, 11:20:56 AM »

my Dad (uBPD) loved babies... . didn't like us much as soon as we could talk or talk back... explains why there are 9 of us!

My uBPDh didn't like them when they were babies but liked them when they were in that worshiping Dad is the best stage... once they hit the talking back stage... not so much.
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duncanville1
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« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2014, 12:21:19 PM »

My observations are that NPD's don't care for children, especially younger ones because of the inconvenience, but may enjoy the attention they bring. BPD's love younger children because it somehow fills the void about being needed. They love the undivided attention that a child will give them. As the child grows older and seeks more independence is where the road starts to get rough.   
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Turkish
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« Reply #4 on: April 23, 2014, 12:27:30 PM »

I don't have any experience, but can imagine this. Attention that usually went to them is now diverted to the care of the newborn. It can provoke feelings of abandonment. Plus the stress of the responsibility can be too much and cause resentment, and feelings of inadequacy?

It wasn't so much the newborns (now DS4 and DD2), but it was after they got older. I chose the children over her, in a way (myself as well, I was tired of being her need fulfillment machine), and our r/s deteriorated exponentially over the course of a year, with a few other triggers.

She isn't a bad mom, but she certainly was neglectful, especially for months while she pursued a juvenile r/s outside of our family. Being apart now, I notice that I am more emotionally in-tune with them, where she is detached, in a way. Sometimes I think I am the only one who sees it. I think she did feel inadequate (goes to the core BPD feeling of shame?). On our first breakfast meeting two weeks after she moved out, she told me, "I'm trying to be a better mom." So she was at least aware of her immature behaviors.

The funny thing about not liking babies... . my best friend's mom (I'm 42, and I've kind of been part of the family for 30 years) has several BPD traits, now that I look back. Her daughter, 38, shows some too, at the very least extreme emotional immaturity for someone her age. When I first brought the babies to meet her, she didn't even hold them, stating, "I've never been much for holding babies, it's just not my thing." Growing up, I never remember her showing much affection to the kids, though her rages were pretty much focused on my friend's dad. I witnessed a few, and they were legendary... .
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« Reply #5 on: April 23, 2014, 12:30:00 PM »

BPD's love younger children because it somehow fills the void about being needed. They love the undivided attention that a child will give them. As the child grows older and seeks more independence is where the road starts to get rough.   

I can attest to this being my childhood, pretty much. It got really bad when I hit puberty.
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hergestridge
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« Reply #6 on: April 23, 2014, 04:03:41 PM »

My BPDw have very strong feelings for her daughter, there is no doubt about that. However she has huge trouble putting her dauhgter's needs before her own and the needs of others. If my wife isn't hungry she will try to postpone dinner even though our daughter is hungry. She gets furious for having to get up in the morning when the girl wakes up early. She worries about late development instead of enouraging every little step. She makes a huge fuzz about birthday parties and gets so worked up months in advance that the girl is suffering.

Getting the girl dressed and ready in the morning and drive her to daycare is too much a challange, so I do that every day.

Every dinner ends in tears because my wife gets furious about the girl's "messy eating" and starts yelling at her.

I must add that the real trouble started when the girl was around the age started talking and having a will of her own. When she was just a baby if worked OK, but not great.
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ziniztar
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« Reply #7 on: April 23, 2014, 04:53:40 PM »

My BPDw have very strong feelings for her daughter, there is no doubt about that. However she has huge trouble putting her dauhgter's needs before her own and the needs of others. If my wife isn't hungry she will try to postpone dinner even though our daughter is hungry. She gets furious for having to get up in the morning when the girl wakes up early. She worries about late development instead of enouraging every little step. She makes a huge fuzz about birthday parties and gets so worked up months in advance that the girl is suffering.

Getting the girl dressed and ready in the morning and drive her to daycare is too much a challange, so I do that every day.

Every dinner ends in tears because my wife gets furious about the girl's "messy eating" and starts yelling at her.

I must add that the real trouble started when the girl was around the age started talking and having a will of her own. When she was just a baby if worked OK, but not great.

That must be difficult for you... .

I'm wondering, is your wife receiving treatment?
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StayPositive

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« Reply #8 on: April 24, 2014, 07:32:32 AM »

My PBDgf loves her cousins.  We were discussing even names of our own kids for some time, and she really enjoyed it.  But when it became serious and the possibility to get married arised, she disappeared.  I can’t see any logic in anything anymore.

StayPositive
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hergestridge
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« Reply #9 on: April 25, 2014, 09:22:50 AM »

My BPDw have very strong feelings for her daughter, there is no doubt about that. However she has huge trouble putting her dauhgter's needs before her own and the needs of others. If my wife isn't hungry she will try to postpone dinner even though our daughter is hungry. She gets furious for having to get up in the morning when the girl wakes up early. She worries about late development instead of enouraging every little step. She makes a huge fuzz about birthday parties and gets so worked up months in advance that the girl is suffering.

Getting the girl dressed and ready in the morning and drive her to daycare is too much a challange, so I do that every day.

Every dinner ends in tears because my wife gets furious about the girl's "messy eating" and starts yelling at her.

I must add that the real trouble started when the girl was around the age started talking and having a will of her own. When she was just a baby if worked OK, but not great.

That must be difficult for you... .

I'm wondering, is your wife receiving treatment?

Yes, she's receiving treatments. Seroquel and Lithium + some kind of DBT therapy. Hasn't helped much so far. At least not when it comes to the parenting bit.

Being a parent requires a good deal of empathy and responsbility. Sadly, my wife ends up blaming the kid or making up rationalizations and pseudo-theories on the fly to suit her own whims and needs. I e she acts like a kid herself. These are personality issues and not likely to change with medication.

Her attituide to DBT to far is just to be a "good student" and do all the moments, lying her therapist full about her progress and her feelings, all to appear better than she is. I am not hopeful.
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an0ught
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« Reply #10 on: April 28, 2014, 03:49:33 PM »

Let's keep in mind that pwBPD can be very different people. First we have the normal human diversity and then we have 200+ sub-types. Some people have problems with children (which also vary) and some have not. If we see concrete problems we need to take action.

There are a few things however that can be said in general.

1) PwBPD are appreciating validation a lot and in general young children are very validating.

2) Teenagers are experts in setting boundaries, stepping over boundaries and are emotionally unstable. This usually does not fit well with a pwBPD and leads to major tension.
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hergestridge
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« Reply #11 on: April 28, 2014, 04:14:33 PM »

Let's keep in mind that pwBPD can be very different people. First we have the normal human diversity and then we have 200+ sub-types. Some people have problems with children (which also vary) and some have not. If we see concrete problems we need to take action.

There are a few things however that can be said in general.

1) PwBPD are appreciating validation a lot and in general young children are very validating.

2) Teenagers are experts in setting boundaries, stepping over boundaries and are emotionally unstable. This usually does not fit well with a pwBPD and leads to major tension.

Another thing that I think must be said "in general" is that PwBPD are emotionally immature and will (sadly) not interact with children the way parents are supposed to. A PwBPD can appreciate a child like children appreciate eachother, and this is a big and important difference.

The subject of this thread is almost impossible to discuss without touching upon the subject of PwBPD and parenting, but I think it's important to tell the two apart. It's possible to be the "fun uncle" but not be able to be a functioning parent.
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Climbmountains91
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« Reply #12 on: May 01, 2014, 04:33:00 PM »

My exBPDbf, we have daughter together. He says he worries about her all the time, always looking at her pictures on Facebook but doesn't worry about her if she got ill and worries if she has to go through tests (like had to do a development questionnaire - routinely with health visitor) and he was worried what if she don't score on it and she would turn out to be autistic, even though shes a healthy happy baby. He doesn't get that she is a happy baby, if she ever has a moment with him shes being naughty and its a inconvenience and he just cant be arsed. He only sees her once a week and gives me a tenner every few months. (I don't mind about the money so much just thought i'd throw it in there). And puts on a show his the "hands on dad" when we're infront of his family. He says

when he sees her he needs a few days break to recover from it! 

I just don't get it!   

He can't get away with this behavior when she starts noticing things and asks "why does daddy only see me once a week".
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