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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Therapy  (Read 380 times)
Happy73

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« on: April 29, 2014, 04:35:26 PM »

I have been married to an uBPDh for 3 years... .

I have finally got him into counseling with me on the premise that he constantly tells me that our marriage is going to "fail".  I have told him over and over again that I love him dearly, but he is convinced that I am going to leave him.

I am so frustrated with the fact that we go and it seems that he focuses on all the things that I should be doing better and it seems that the stuff that the counselor tells him to work on he ignores... .

Help is this common or is there hope ?  any suggestions?
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Stalwart
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 333



« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2014, 07:30:42 PM »

After my wife's initial diagnosis I went to her first session with both the Psychologist and Therapist she would be seeing. She started to talk to him and I recognized right away because of the discussion that she felt very uncomfortable with me present. She is very well-spoken and she was struggling to even talk because she had to reveal so much in front of me, that it didn't free her to say what she really wanted to and needed to, to them.

I asked her if she would be more comfortable if I weren't there, she didn't need to answer - I already knew that answer. I patted her on the knee, winked and excused myself. From that day on she has excelled in her therapy.

Have you considered letting him attend therapy on his own. I really don't think there can be couple's therapy until he's worked on himself but I could be wrong about that.

Perhaps he would be freer to talk and not having you there wouldn't give him the focus so much on your part in the relationship. If the therapist is aware of the situation and dynamics of your relationship he or she will know how to relate to him and what he says in private to try and help and better himself.

Just food for thought. I sure hope that the therapy in some forms helps your futures together and the dynamics of your relationship. On another note you're fortunate he is willing to go to therapy, so many aren't. That's a really good thing. I've also learned not to expect quick or immediate results from therapy. It's a long process to work on and undo a lifetime of problems and challenges that someone has experienced and lived. I'm really happy with small steps and small gains. It's the right direction.

Best of luck with this and stay in touch.
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formflier
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« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2014, 08:20:18 PM »

 

I have been at the same kind of thing for between 4 and 5 years.  We have done multiple counselors and pastors.  I complete the things that i am asked to do and my uBPDw claims that it is my fault that she doesn't do hers.

I've sort of come to the conclusion that it is better than not going at all... . and hoping for the day that she decides to get a good individual therapist... .

Hang in there
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MissyM
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« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2014, 08:40:53 PM »

We have been to more therapist than I can even count, and this is a recurring them.  My dBPDh is "noncompliant"  in therapy.  We have started with a DBT specialist that treats Borderlines and is doing a DPB program for couples.  We shall see, we have only had one session, but it was really good.  It is stressing more on acquiring new skills and learning to treat your partner and marriage as part of the same team.  My dBPDh has no idea how to be on my team, so should be interesting.
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Stalwart
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« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2014, 01:45:22 PM »

Missy I would really be interested in hearing more about that joint therapy is progressing. It sounds really interesting and must have some great potential, I could see where it might have some real draw backs as well though. I know that isn't offered in the remoter area I'm in but I'd still like to hear more about it some time.
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maxsterling
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
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« Reply #5 on: July 30, 2014, 02:27:12 PM »

What you described is basically par for the course of what I have witnessed.  Expect it to be that way for awhile.  We've now had two counselors.  The first she did not like claiming she always took my side and must have a "crush" on me.  So, we found another, and progress is kinda 2 steps forward and one step back.  Actually, we have been going since January, and this Monday was a breakthrough day (in my mind).  Up until now, I've seen her directly abuse me and rage in the therapy session.  This week, she admitted to being abusive and difficult and (in her way) apologized for behavior.  But I have experienced the same things - to her not really doing what the T suggests.  At the very basic level, the T suggested that she thank me instead of reject me when I compliment her.  And I can say that after 6 months, she finally is saying "thank you" instead of "no I'm not" when I tell her she is beautiful.

In my opinion, the only way for a couple T to work with a BPD, several things must happen:

1) The pwBPD needs to see a T on his/her own. 

2) The pwBPD needs to at least admit he/she has a problem.

3) You need to have a hell of a lot of patience.  Prepare for the pwBPD to not want to do the work and blame you.

4) The T needs to be versed in BPD, and be good at validating.  Don't mistake the T validating the pwBPD as the T taking his/her side.  Don't expect the T to call the pwBPD out on his/her crap.  If you do, you will be very frustrated.  It takes a lot of work for a T to build up trust with a pwBPD and nudge him/her towards constructive solutions. 

5)  Don't expect miracles.  In other words, don't expect the pwBPD to humble him/herself, accept blame, and do the work required.  It may happen in time, but I think much of what is asked of the pwBPD is simply not possible.  I really don't believe a pwBPD is capable of having a relationship in the "normal" or "healthy" sense.
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MissyM
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« Reply #6 on: July 30, 2014, 11:21:25 PM »

Hi, Stalwart.  Actually, the therapy is going very well.  The DBT therapist is very good at validating my dBPDh and holding him accountable.  It is different therapy because we may address something that is going on but we use the skills that we are working on.  It isn't going in and a he said, she said kind of therapy.  That kind of therapy never got us anywhere.  We are working on validating right now and my dBPDh really struggles with validating me.  My dBPDh is also a recovering addict, he sees an individual therapist, does group therapy and 12 step.  The therapist is using the information from the High Conflict Couple and some of Fruzzetti's other documents.  I highly recommend this for anyone in a relationship with a BPD.  If my husband wasn't in individual, she would have gotten him in for that as well.  I don't think a BPD can just do marital therapy and nothing else.
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bpbreakout
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« Reply #7 on: July 31, 2014, 03:04:58 AM »

We have had a few meetings with MC in the last few weeks. I think this is about the fifth in 15 years and mostly at my initiative. Since the BPD diagnosis about a year ago my attitude has changed and I don't find the non compliance and defensiveness when challenged nearly as frustrating as I have released that BPDw's non compliance is something I can't do anyhting about . Previously the underlying dynamic was me as non BPD feeling seriously frustrated at the non compliance and BPDw being highly sensitive about this and going into denial which made me even more frustrated. At the last session we went to it was me that actually questioned whether the process was worth doing as BPDw was very negative and critical. We will go again soon though. A lot of therapists find this frustrating as well. A few days ago I asked if BPDw had any plans to see someone on her own (something her psych has recommended several times). She got very angry with me and accused me of accusing her of having a mental illness. The fact is that the way I feel about it is that she has had some very difficult FOO issues to deal with and it seems very sensible to see a therapist, in fact I have someone I see myself and I don't feel I'm doing because I have a mental illness, I find it quite a rewarding experience.
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formflier
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« Reply #8 on: July 31, 2014, 06:53:40 AM »

We have had a few meetings with MC in the last few weeks. I think this is about the fifth in 15 years and mostly at my initiative. Since the BPD diagnosis about a year ago my attitude has changed and I don't find the non compliance and defensiveness when challenged nearly as frustrating as I have released that BPDw's non compliance is something I can't do anyhting about . Previously the underlying dynamic was me as non BPD feeling seriously frustrated at the non compliance and BPDw being highly sensitive about this and going into denial which made me even more frustrated. At the last session we went to it was me that actually questioned whether the process was worth doing as BPDw was very negative and critical. We will go again soon though. A lot of therapists find this frustrating as well. A few days ago I asked if BPDw had any plans to see someone on her own (something her psych has recommended several times). She got very angry with me and accused me of accusing her of having a mental illness. The fact is that the way I feel about it is that she has had some very difficult FOO issues to deal with and it seems very sensible to see a therapist, in fact I have someone I see myself and I don't feel I'm doing because I have a mental illness, I find it quite a rewarding experience.

BPbreakout... .the dynamic sounds very familiar to me until the point of figuring out BPD.  She has gone to individual T some and I think it is helping.
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