predictable patterns, blame and threats - sticking with email

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

UBPDx moved out 2 years ago has spent 1 day one on one with our 17 yo son in that time.

3 times she's gone silent for 4 or 5 months. After months of no contact or effort she comes out of the blue with threats. 2 years in a row now she emailed accusing me of keeping her from our son with threats of court. Always close to Mothers day and after months of silence.

Using email as the sole means of communication makes these patterns quite obvious.

[gdad]

UBPDx moved out 2 years ago has spent 1 day one on one with our 17 yo son in that time.

3 times she's gone silent for 4 or 5 months. After months of no contact or effort she comes out of the blue with threats. 2 years in a row now she emailed accusing me of keeping her from our son with threats of court. Always close to Mothers day and after months of silence.

Using email as the sole means of communication makes these patterns quite obvious.

[gdad]

Of 46 emails she sent in a year, 22% contained a threat. Of the remaining emails 31% were abusive. 

[mywifecrazy]

UBPDx moved out 2 years ago has spent 1 day one on one with our 17 yo son in that time.

3 times she's gone silent for 4 or 5 months. After months of no contact or effort she comes out of the blue with threats. 2 years in a row now she emailed accusing me of keeping her from our son with threats of court. Always close to Mothers day and after months of silence.

Using email as the sole means of communication makes these patterns quite obvious.

Email is the ONLY way I choose to communicate with my uBPDxw. Everything is documented but more importantly it keeps ME sane. She is such a nut job that it makes me feel nauseous and my anxiety flairs up if,I have to see her or even talk to her on the phone.

[livednlearned]

This must be really hard for your son, and for you as well. How is he doing? Does he know about the messages?

Since your son is 17, it's not likely she could do anything actionable through the courts.

[gdad]

mywifecrazy Right It does reduce the anxiety. It also allows me the time to respond appropriately.

livedandlearned     He's doing well. He went to counseling for 2 years. His Mom went a couple times with one counselor. They met with a therapist for 6 months then she went silent for another 5 months.

She's threatened court. In the past it caused me anxiety. Then she filed a contempt charge stating she hadn't seen her son. It was dismissed when the Judge said, " I see your emails here. Where is a request to see your son?":)id you call?" Uh um well ... . case Dismissed

Her emails were more about her belongings and money from the settlement than our Son.

[david]

Threats are just that, threats. In the beginning my ex's threats used to upset me. Now I expect them and would be surprised if they stopped coming. I only communicate through email. I don't respond to the threats and I think that helps with ex sending more threats.

Saving all the emails may be helpful later on down the road. It does help to see the pattern too. My ex gets anxious over our kids birthdays. She filed two protection orders against during thaose times. Mothers and fathers day are triggers for her too. She went to the police once saying I refused to give her the kids on fathers day. I had an email in which she specifically said the boys could be with me that weekend.

Major holidays she usually gives me the kids and she goes to work. She is a nurse and works in a hospital. When she first left she fought to have the kids for every holiday. I don't try to figure out why anymore.

[gdad]

Thanks David.

In the past I believed her threats. She knew I wanted to protect our son from court so she used that threat to manipulate. The counselor said she was attempting to abuse us through the court.

[david]

I didn't want my kids dragged into this too. Ex knew that and used that to try to guilt me. She left in 2007 and the first two years those kind of things worked on me. I found a T that really helped me see what I was doing. I made boundaries and stuck with them. It took a while but eventually ex adjusted. She still tries to break through the boundaries now and then but I stay firm. My boundaries are designed to protect the boys and me. Ex constantly said I was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. My boundary was that I don't go near her and she doesn't go near me. It ios in our court order. When it was first put in the order she tried approaching me. I turned my video camera on and pointed it directly towards her. She made a u turn and walked back into her place. She tried a few more times and realized I was going to do the same thing.

I only communicate through email. I turned off texting on my phone. I don't really like texting anyway so it was no big deal for me. Several years ago she started calling me from various numbers that were not in my phonebook. I stopped answering my phone unless I knew the number. She then started leaving messages ? so I knew it was her. At one point I think I had 6 numbers from her calling from different numbers. Those two boundaries pretty much eliminate physical, verbal, and/or emotional abuse. Last year ex accused me of spiritual abuse. Can't think of a boundary for that but she would have to prove it in court and I am quite certain that ain't gonna happen. I'm not sure where she got that one from. We are actually going through a custody eval now. I told the evaluator everything above and he asked what spiritual abuse was. I told him I wasn't sure and am fairly certain I am not doing that anyway. He even said he wasn't sure what spiritual abuse was.

My ex has to project blame on somebody besides herself. I am the target and that is fine with me. In the beginning I was afraid she would go after outr boys. At first, when I set up the boundaries, she kinda tried. The trick was I never reacted and it quickly stopped. This site told me negative engagement is still engagement. That is a very important point to understand. Once you detach enough it becomes much clearer.

She sends emails now that accuse me of something. Oftentimes I am able to read what she is saying and realize she is having an anxiety issue or something similar. Within weeks one of our boys tells me a story about something that happened at their moms and it all makes sense.

[gdad]

I changed my cell number kept the home phone and got a phone for our Son. I hear you on the accusations. Maybe repeating the story makes her believe it.

[david]

"Propaganda must not investigate the truth objectively and, in so far as it is favourable to the other side, present it according to the theoretical rules of justice; yet it must present only that aspect of the truth which is favourable to its own side. (... . ) The receptive powers of the masses are very restricted, and their understanding is feeble. On the other hand, they quickly forget. Such being the case, all effective propaganda must be confined to a few bare essentials and those must be expressed as far as possible in stereotyped formulas. These slogans should be persistently repeated until the very last individual has come to grasp the idea that has been put forward. (... . ) Every change that is made in the subject of a propagandist message must always emphasize the same conclusion. The leading slogan must of course be illustrated in many ways and from several angles, but in the end one must always return to the assertion of the same formula.""Propaganda must not investigate the truth objectively and, in so far as it is favourable to the other side, present it according to the theoretical rules of justice; yet it must present only that aspect of the truth which is favourable to its own side. (... . ) The receptive powers of the masses are very restricted, and their understanding is feeble. On the other hand, they quickly forget. Such being the case, all effective propaganda must be confined to a few bare essentials and those must be expressed as far as possible in stereotyped formulas. These slogans should be persistently repeated until the very last individual has come to grasp the idea that has been put forward. (... . ) Every change that is made in the subject of a propagandist message must always emphasize the same conclusion. The leading slogan must of course be illustrated in many ways and from several angles, but in the end one must always return to the assertion of the same formula.""Propaganda must not investigate the truth objectively and, in so far as it is favourable to the other side, present it according to the theoretical rules of justice; yet it must present only that aspect of the truth which is favourable to its own side. (... . ) The receptive powers of the masses are very restricted, and their understanding is feeble. On the other hand, they quickly forget. Such being the case, all effective propaganda must be confined to a few bare essentials and those must be expressed as far as possible in stereotyped formulas. These slogans should be persistently repeated until the very last individual has come to grasp the idea that has been put forward. (... . ) Every change that is made in the subject of a propagandist message must always emphasize the same conclusion. The leading slogan must of course be illustrated in many ways and from several angles, but in the end one must always return to the assertion of the same formula." That was from Goebbels, the head of nazi propaganda.

[gdad]

Whats the quote? Those who don't learn from history are bound to repeat it... .



www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_violence

[david]

I was mistaken, that was actually from Mein Kampf.

[gdad]

Interesting. She wanted to have a call to talk about our son. I said we can do it via email. When she emailed back it was about money, not our son at all.

[mywifecrazy]

Interesting. She wanted to have a call to talk about our son. I said we can do it via email. When she emailed back it was about money, not our son at all.

That's why I stick with e-mail because I KNOW that no matter what SHE claims a call or meeting would be about the truth would lie somewhere else. Holmey doesn't want to play them games anymore  

[gdad]

Interesting. She wanted to have a call to talk about our son. I said we can do it via email. When she emailed back it was about money, not our son at all.

That's why I stick with e-mail because I KNOW that no matter what SHE claims a call or meeting would be about the truth would lie somewhere else. Holmey doesn't want to play them games anymore  

I'm glad I read the ex-communicating article. It kept me from talking with her. 

[Panda39]

UBPDx moved out 2 years ago has spent 1 day one on one with our 17 yo son in that time.

3 times she's gone silent for 4 or 5 months. After months of no contact or effort she comes out of the blue with threats. 2 years in a row now she emailed accusing me of keeping her from our son with threats of court. Always close to Mothers day and after months of silence.

Using email as the sole means of communication makes these patterns quite obvious.

1) Email is the ONLY way you should communicate.

2) You don't have to respond to the threats. You THINK you do, but you don't.

3) Let her threaten. Whatever. I was threatened God only knows how many times. Restraining orders, supervised visitation, the works. I ended up with the kids anyway. Eventually the people involved smell the crazy.

You need to focus on being the best dad you can be. Responding to the threats just takes your energy away from that job.

[gdad]

Thanks Panda. You're right.