Why do I keep wanting to go back... knowing the truth

[JohnThorn]

I know she has BPD. I know she will never treat me good. I know she lies. I know she's wrong.

I've sat at my desk this morning, composing message after message to her and quickly deleting them just before sending.

Why do I want to go back? And if I do go back, can the outcome be any different?

[seeking balance]

Why do I want to go back?

Is it that you really want to go back or is it that you want the pain to stop and you don't want to let go of the dream?

[Lucky Jim]

It's like an addiction: you know it's bad for you but you continue to do it.

No, I think it's unrealistic to expect a different outcome.

Plenty of us have recycled (me included) so there's no shame attached to it if you decide that's what you need to do. 

LJ

[BacknthSaddle]

Is it that you really want to go back or is it that you want the pain to stop and you don't want to let go of the dream?

This is the way in which these relationships are truly like addictions. Initially a heroin addict uses heroin to get high; eventually he uses it just to treat the pain of withdrawal.  But, of course, these treatments just lead to a more severe addiction and more pain down the road.  

[dillan6241]

I agree with everyone else has said so far. I have been NC for 2 months, and I knew there was a problem with my exBPDgf, I knew she had BPD. I stayed because I thought she was normal, thought that we could beat the odds, but things did fail when I started to become literally the father in the relationship, having to protect her from this and that and watching her become self-destructive ... . very unhealthy.

Its sad, if I look back now, I knew I didn't love her like I did VERY early on in the relationship because of all the past hurt she had caused me. I was on guard I guess, and I knew she could hurt me in the future, and she did ... . time and time again, and I stayed because I thought I loved her, until she finally up and left. Now I realize I didn't love her ... . I was truly addicted ... . used too/comfortable with the way things were with her. I know now it was never going to work and was going to end up in hurt, but at the time I was so involved in the high of her that I didn't see it. My mind still wants to stay away from her, which is why I've maintained NC for 2 months, but my heart still wrenches for her presence, its really annoyingly pathetic it bothers the hell out of me. I never loved her, but I never could leave her ... . she did me a favor. Why would you want to be with someone like that, so self-centered and always hurting people?

The longing for them is overwhelming sometimes ... . chasing that dream that they seem SO WELL to mold themselves into. But ... . its sad it was never real, she admitted it herself, that she "didn't really want what I wanted" and "lost herself in me" after 3.5 years of a r/s. Whatever ... . I've tried, but I can't even shed one tear for her or our past r/s ... .

[Pecator]

is it that you want the pain to stop and you don't want to let go of the dream?

SB is exactly right in my case.


LC and an inordinate amount of info about her life has helped me see her for who she is. I see her change/compromise herself as she runs from all that she is running from. I remember the first time I began to feel detachment. There was a letter that was delivered to her address. She changed her schedule to be there when I picked it up. He invited me in. We had a nice light conversation (thanks to the skills you folks taught me). It was a really great visit. Mostly because it was the first time I could look at her (hell sit face to face) and not feel the any pull of love or whatever. I remember as we were talking I was thinking "I really don't love her."

By the time I got home I was in tears. I wept the rest of the night.

Now I was with her and knew I couldn't ever be with her again, but in the 20 mins it took to drive home I ruminated enough to be crushed. I don't miss her, I missed/still miss the person I imaged her to be. I miss the dream I had of her.

The good news I have since learned is the woman I thought she was, was her mirroring me. The girl I dreamed of had all the good qualities I have in me. They were never really in her, they were my reflection. They are still there, but they are in me.   

I do still melt into a mess because I miss the dream and can't stand the pain of the illusion that vanished as quickly as it came. For now I will have to strengthen what is in me.

[AwakenedOne]

The good news I have since learned is the woman I thought she was, was her mirroring me. The girl I dreamed of had all the good qualities I have in me. They were never really in her, they were my reflection. They are still there, but they are in me.

I really like what you wrote here Pecator. It is good news. This is very helpful to me to remember also. Thanks

JT,

It's hard to let go of the dream. It's a bit easier for me though when my dream is in reality a nightmare with her. Still a chance for new dreams now. It can be even nicer with someone that really loves us. 

AO

[Infared]

Wow... everything written here is so true. I am long since away from all of this... but I still miss who I "thought" she was. I love what Pecator said... . that the person I miss was a person mirroring me. I have always had trouble with my self esteem ... . my entire life... . but today I can own that what Pecator is saying is true... .

We miss them because (for me) I have addiction issues and I have longed for and wanted many things in my life that were very bad for me. I believe it is a genetic disposition.

I can clearly say that it was the same pull for the pwBPD.  Absolutely. Once she flicked the switch and ran off with her new hero (she could never have turned our switch off without him), I found the joy (extreme sarcasm) of meeting the person that I had lived with for 5 years.

I was chasing the first date (drink, line, puff, whatever) for a long time after she left... and just could not evaluate clearly how this person had presently been treating me when and after she left.  With a lot of therapy, shelf help group and group therapy it still took me about a year to really, really own NO CONTACT.  When I made efforts to protect myself (like a year later when I was out at my SUV strapping my mountain bike in the sled and I used my peripheral vision to see... . one... . two... . three... . four... drive-byes and then the alarm in my head knowing "INCOMING!" after about 10 months of total NC.

She pulled up behind my SUV, started to get out of her car and I said in a loud commanding voice, "Are you still with Craig [my replacement], she said "yes" and I said, in a loud commanding voice "GOOD bye".  The door to her car had not even opened all the way and it was swinging closed, her head down and off she went. That was me loving me. Was my day ruined, YES... . did I take care of me, YES.  All she was doing was hurting him and hurting me all in one psycho action.   I always try to remember how sick she is and that can help take the edge off... . but I just COULD NOT go back a whole year by talking to her. I needed a lot of help to get to that point.  It would have been ALL at my expense... .

John Thorn... you are in the right place to learn about taking care of and loving you.  We all had relapses and started over ... . but you can make it better if you get completely honest with yourself and work at taking care of you.  At some point I realized that I was all I had. There sure was no we... . as much as I would have like it to be different, it was not.

[tholian]

I know she has BPD. I know she will never treat me good. I know she lies. I know she's wrong.

I've sat at my desk this morning, composing message after message to her and quickly deleting them just before sending.

Why do I want to go back? And if I do go back, can the outcome be any different?

Your brain knows all that is wrong, but the heart wants what it wants. As everyone said, it's an addiction and you should not relapse. If you do that, it will further harm you and you have to start your healing process. It could also cause you further harm. My uBPDx was my first love and i know how strong the need to contact her can be, but remember all the pain that you went through. For me, when i see the bigger picture, the pain was more than the joy.

Thing's will not change unless she seeks help and stays in it till it brings her changes. You cant expect your love to change them cause it never did in the first place. Also as said above, she mirrored you, so it shows that you are a good person with good values. So, take that as a good point and heal yourself.

Take care.

[BPD Magnet 1]

I myself went back time and time again.I received an ass whipping,i never in my life received from any other person.I allowed myself to go back and be ''recycled'' over and over again.All she had to do was call me and cry.All she had to do was call me and sing sweet nothings to me and I went running back.I ran back even when I was 1000 miles away.I figure about 50,000 miles I drove back and forth time and time again.

I realized this is ''insanity'' on my part.I did this over and over again,expecting different results.Only to have it blow up in my face and I was tossed away to the garbage,over and over.

Since I went NC and got myself into Major Therapy I realize in many ways I was '':)illusional'' and living in a '':)ream'' and ''Fantasy''.I would of never seen this if I did not find BPD Family.This board taught me about the importance of NC NC NC NC.!... . I was so pissed when these people drilled this in my head.I hated this FACT... This to me meant.''it is over''.And I myself did not want this to ''be over''.


It took that time to realize how ''ill'' I was.How this dream and fantasy nearly killed me.In the end I killed Me.I killed me time and time again chasing this dream.Tom Petty's running down a dream killed me and my life.

I am qualified to be here.I lost everything I ever worked for.I tossed everything I ever had into this BPD Woman and walked away with very little.I was arrested about 10 times.I was sent to homeless shelters and wound up on the streets of Kansas City over and over again.It was the wildest ride I ever took in my life.

For me to ''keep going back'' was simple but it took a lot of work and NC to work on it.For me it was simple.I was in Love with a BPD WOMAN.Little did I realize that this BPD is a terrible sickness.It is almost impossible to treat.Once I finally realized what she had and what BPD is,i began to have COMPASSION for her.

I began the long Process of giving up on my little ''fantasy'' I created in my mind and I began the process to ''detach'' myself from this WICKED DREAM that nearly killed me.In this process and therapy I realized that my whole life I was trying to have ''relationships'' with my Dad and my one sister.Well,low and behold I realized my dad and sister have BPD.My sis was just diognoised with it.

So Today I still LOVE my Ex,my sister and my dad.I have realized that my father,my ex and my sister have this terrible BPD.So my relationship is very limited with these people I love.In the process I realize that they are very limited in giving and true love.My own acceptance to this FACT has helped me to detach and take care of myself.

I hope this helped a bit.I am not the best suggestion giver but I do know it is a long process of detachment with LOVE.