Help Frustrating scheduling issue

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Okay, here is the problem.  Dad always has fathers day with SD10 and SD14.  Parenting plan requires changes be requested in writing by April. Summer is divided into 2 week blocks for each parent, but it needs to be negotiated each summer as it is not clear when the summer schedule officially starts.  It is often obvious when it should start, but BPD mom often creates some problem.  Usually, DH and BPD mom negotiate a summer schedule around April. 

This year, we got reservations in January for a camping at our favorite camping spot, starting Fathers day as we knew it was DH's time.  DH was supposed to inform BPD mom, but put it off.  We then got a request from DH's brother to take their teen daughter (DH's neice) for a month this summer.  We made a tentative plan to take her during the time we plan to camp, and we told the brother he had to wait until after April 1 to make firm plans... .   We knew from the kids that BPD mom's sister had a wedding she wanted to bring the kids to sometime during the summer.  The wedding is out of state, and VERY important to mom; kids have been talking about it for 6 months. 

We never heard from mom about wedding, so after the official date of changing summer plans, DH told his bro to go ahead and buy tickets.  He called to say he had bought them.  Niece is extremely attached to both SD10 and SD14.

The last week in april, BPD mom emails DH to say that she is taking the kids to the wedding on father's day, staying for ten days.  She does not ask,  she tells.  This is the most advance notice she has ever given for anything she has planned. 

DH emails her saying he understands it is really important, but we have plans, tickets have been bought.  She responds shockingly reasonably, asking if there is any way we could change plans, that she would be willing to help pay for changes in tickets. 

Part of the issue is the kids rarely see her family as they live out of state, and see DH's family ALL the time, as they live fairly close.  DH and I feel that it is good for them to keep in touch with family, partly because as they age, they may need support taking care of BPD mom, who is likely to need a lot of help over time.  So DH wants them to have that connection, not just because BPD mom wants it. 

DH and I have long talk about whether there is any way to change things, and realize we would be trusting BPD mom to get kids back in time, and niece would be devastated if the kids were not here when she is.  DH says no to BPDmom, telling her we already have tix for niece, it is set in stone. 

So NOW, it turns out that DH's bro somehow did not get the tix.  So his daughter may not be able to make it.  And meanwhile, BPD mom is threatening to take DH to court over this, and may already have a court date. 

So DH is considering these options:

1)  Helping buy niece's ticket, proceeding as planned;

2) Letting kids go to mom's event, getting make up parenting time later in the summer and having the niece come then, and going on the camping trip ourselves sans kids, or maybe just not going camping;

3) Letting the kids go with mom for the weekend of fathers day only, picking them up en route to our camping adventure. 

One more confounding factor:  While DH definitely has a right to have the kids for Father's day, there is not a crystal clear agreement for who has them the week after, which is when our camping reservations are for... . we planned to driver there starting friday of fathers day weekend, get there fathers day night... . normally, the kids stay with dad after fathers day for the first 2 week summer block, but normally, there is a plan in place that parents have agreed to... . so DH has power to say no to the wedding, as it is his time, but not absolute power to have the kids the week after for camping... .

So what should he do?

For me, the easy answer is just say no--BPD mom did not meet the rules of asking for changes by April 1, so no change.  But at the same time, she could scuttle the whole trip by filing with the court--and the kids are REALLY attached to the wedding, as they have been "planning" it for 6 months.  So they will be really upset, and if you have spent a week with an angry 14 year old, you know how much less fun that is than many other things... . from the kids' perspective, who are too young to really get the dynamics or understand planning, they do not care whose  fault it is nobody's fault that the schedules collided, but they have only been to mom's family once in 8 years since mom and dad separated, and so they are really sad they cannot go.  Because mom is saying dad is the one who has to approve the trip, they just want him to change his mind .

DH is usually pretty firm about sticking with the parenting plan to avoid drama. 

In this instance, however, it seems like it is going to have a huge impact on the fun level of our early summer no matter what.  So the issue is partly what sounds more fun to US? 

IDEAS?

[ennie]

Okay, here is the problem.  Dad always has fathers day with SD10 and SD14.  Parenting plan requires changes be requested in writing by April. Summer is divided into 2 week blocks for each parent, but it needs to be negotiated each summer as it is not clear when the summer schedule officially starts.  It is often obvious when it should start, but BPD mom often creates some problem.  Usually, DH and BPD mom negotiate a summer schedule around April. 

This year, we got reservations in January for a camping at our favorite camping spot, starting Fathers day as we knew it was DH's time.  DH was supposed to inform BPD mom, but put it off.  We then got a request from DH's brother to take their teen daughter (DH's neice) for a month this summer.  We made a tentative plan to take her during the time we plan to camp, and we told the brother he had to wait until after April 1 to make firm plans... .   We knew from the kids that BPD mom's sister had a wedding she wanted to bring the kids to sometime during the summer.  The wedding is out of state, and VERY important to mom; kids have been talking about it for 6 months. 

We never heard from mom about wedding, so after the official date of changing summer plans, DH told his bro to go ahead and buy tickets.  He called to say he had bought them.  Niece is extremely attached to both SD10 and SD14.

The last week in april, BPD mom emails DH to say that she is taking the kids to the wedding on father's day, staying for ten days.  She does not ask,  she tells.  This is the most advance notice she has ever given for anything she has planned. 

DH emails her saying he understands it is really important, but we have plans, tickets have been bought.  She responds shockingly reasonably, asking if there is any way we could change plans, that she would be willing to help pay for changes in tickets. 

Part of the issue is the kids rarely see her family as they live out of state, and see DH's family ALL the time, as they live fairly close.  DH and I feel that it is good for them to keep in touch with family, partly because as they age, they may need support taking care of BPD mom, who is likely to need a lot of help over time.  So DH wants them to have that connection, not just because BPD mom wants it. 

DH and I have long talk about whether there is any way to change things, and realize we would be trusting BPD mom to get kids back in time, and niece would be devastated if the kids were not here when she is.  DH says no to BPDmom, telling her we already have tix for niece, it is set in stone. 

So NOW, it turns out that DH's bro somehow did not get the tix.  So his daughter may not be able to make it.  And meanwhile, BPD mom is threatening to take DH to court over this, and may already have a court date. 

So DH is considering these options:

1)  Helping buy niece's ticket, proceeding as planned;

2) Letting kids go to mom's event, getting make up parenting time later in the summer and having the niece come then, and going on the camping trip ourselves sans kids, or maybe just not going camping;

3) Letting the kids go with mom for the weekend of fathers day only, picking them up en route to our camping adventure. 

One more confounding factor:  While DH definitely has a right to have the kids for Father's day, there is not a crystal clear agreement for who has them the week after, which is when our camping reservations are for... . we planned to driver there starting friday of fathers day weekend, get there fathers day night... . normally, the kids stay with dad after fathers day for the first 2 week summer block, but normally, there is a plan in place that parents have agreed to... . so DH has power to say no to the wedding, as it is his time, but not absolute power to have the kids the week after for camping... .

So what should he do?

For me, the easy answer is just say no--BPD mom did not meet the rules of asking for changes by April 1, so no change.  But at the same time, she could scuttle the whole trip by filing with the court--and the kids are REALLY attached to the wedding, as they have been "planning" it for 6 months.  So they will be really upset, and if you have spent a week with an angry 14 year old, you know how much less fun that is than many other things... . from the kids' perspective, who are too young to really get the dynamics or understand planning, they do not care whose  fault it is nobody's fault that the schedules collided, but they have only been to mom's family once in 8 years since mom and dad separated, and so they are really sad they cannot go.  Because mom is saying dad is the one who has to approve the trip, they just want him to change his mind .

DH is usually pretty firm about sticking with the parenting plan to avoid drama. 

In this instance, however, it seems like it is going to have a huge impact on the fun level of our early summer no matter what.  So the issue is partly what sounds more fun to US? 

IDEAS?

[Matt]

It sounds like you could let Mom have the time around Father's Day, since that's a wedding and it involves a lot of people, and the date is fixed.  And your niece's ticket never was bought, so your camping plans aren't fixed.

Then pick out another time, later, and plan the camping trip.

Make it clear to Mom that the camping trip will be at the later dates - give her rock-solid notice now - and also tell your niece those dates, so she can get her ticket.  (If her tickets don't get bought, again, that tells you how much she really cares about camping with you all.)

This isn't the "right" solution, because it's all so complicated that nobody is completely right or wrong.

But it's a practical solution - both of you get what you want, except not on Father's Day.

I think that to make things work out OK sometimes means letting go of the "importance" of certain days that we arbitrarily decide are "special".  The reality is, there's nothing more special about Father's Day than any other Sunday, and you can show the kids what's really important - taking part in events with family, including the wedding and the camping trip - not staying too focused on the calendar... .

[ennie]

Okay, well, things have changed.  Turns out DH's brother DID buy the tickets, but just lost the confirmation email... . oops! As to the camping trip being postponed, the issue was that to get beach campground spots, you have to reserve them in January. We have not been able to do so the past 4 years because of lack of clear parenting plan stuff, so this year it was pretty clear and we made reservations, and then mom threw the wrench into the gears. 

At this point, DH is considering either allowing the kids to go with mom for Father's day, if she can get them to an airport on our way to the camping trip the day after, or just saying "no." 

For DH, it is not that Fathers day is so sacred.  What is frustrating for him is that mother's day is so sacred that mom has made the kids miss important family events on our side, and we never complained or created any fuss; and most mother's days occur smack dab in the middle of his time, while father's day happens during his time.  But DH does not make big decisions based on his frustration; we try to pretend that she is being very nice and is not who she is, and make decisions based on what feels good for us and what is best for the kids. 

I think DH (and me, too, though I have no power) are thinking that it would be best for the kids to have some time with mom's family, but not to ruin their favorite cousin's visit.  The only glitch is that mom may not be able to make the flight back happen if time is tight and she feels justified.  She missed her favorite friend's wedding because she was mad at us and could not make it to the flight, and was under pressure from us because she had left the state with 24 hours notice to the kids and so we had them a week longer than planned, and the kids were really upset, not knowing where mommy was.  So it will be very risky to allow that. 

At the same time, her way of being with us is really at its best.  It is hard when someone's best is still such a disaster, but she has not resorted to texting epithets, and though she sort of threatened court, she also made clear that she did not think it would help in time, and did not really have the resources to do that.  Mainly, though, she is asking for us to rescue her because she messed up, and while she is not directly owning that, she is not just blaming us. 

So there is some hope that she would try to get the kids to the airport on time, but who knows what is really going to happen? 

So now that is what the issue boils down to.  Maybe I will put it in another shorter thread, but the question is, "should we take the risk that the kids will not get back in time to have the vacation with their cousin, in order to let them have this special time with mom's family?" 

[Matt]

There's no easy answer, but you don't have to be Super-Step-Mom and Super-Dad.  You can make a simple choice that you think is right, and communicate it clearly and firmly, and that is that.

For example, you could say, "These camping plans were hard to make and can't be changed.  So that's what we will do.  It's unfortunate the kids will miss the wedding - maybe you can arrange for them to have time with the newlyweds soon."  And then don't argue about it - let her say what she will but don't engage.

Or... . if you think it will work out, you could say, "There's a 6:00 a.m. flight the morning after the wedding.  If you can commit to us 100% for sure that you'll get the kids on that flight, they can go to the wedding and still make the camping trip."

Or... . if there is someone else besides mom who could be responsible for getting them to the wedding, and then to the flight, so you don't have to trust her.

Whatever you both decide is sensible, and you communicate it clearly, that's fine.  You didn't choose to be in this situation - it's because of Mom's past behavior that this is even a problem.  So whatever you choose is right, and you can hold to it firmly and it will be fine.

[ForeverDad]

Just a side point - My court states that Vacations trump the regular schedule and holidays trump both regular schedule and vacations.  So in my area Father's Day would have priority over other events.  So the ex's 'notice' taking Father's Day should have been phrased as a request.  Yeah, fat chance in most instances.

[ennie]

Just a side point - My court states that Vacations trump the regular schedule and holidays trump both regular schedule and vacations.  So in my area Father's Day would have priority over other events.  So the ex's 'notice' taking Father's Day should have been phrased as a request.  Yeah, fat chance in most instances.

It is crystal clear that mom is "in the wrong" here, and that Dad has all the power.  There are 3 different reasons in the parenting plan that she should have asked earlier.  Does that stop her from making the issue about how Dad always gets all the fun and she gets none?  No. 

That said, I just let DH decide and insisted on a decision by a certain time so we could plan around it.  He chose to let the kids go with mom for fathers day (which follows two weeks with her, so it just extends her time) if she could present evidence of a plane reservation returning by the following day, and if she could provide the phone number and address of the person who would drive them to the airport and those with whom they will be staying.  She was amazingly grateful, I think a first!  Normally, if DH does something nice it results in more complaints than if he just sticks with the plan.  But this time, she promised specifically to do the things he asked, and was very grateful.  So we will see if she does it... .