What was the first meeting with your Significant Others BPDex like?

[Panda39]

I have been with my SO over 3 years and have been avoiding meeting his BPDex.  I have a lot of anger towards her because of the things I have seen her put my honey and his kids through.  In avoiding her I have missed out on special events with the kids that I would have liked to attended.  Part of me is afraid I will just tell her off and make a scene and another part of me is afraid of her.  It's as if I meet her she will truly be in my life and I don't want this person in my life (yes I know she already is).  There is another part of me that honestly feels like a coward and thinks I should just do what I want and stop letting her presence affect what I do.

I'm curious what were your fears or concerns about meeting the BPDex in your SO's life?  What was the first meeting like?  Was it what you expected? or not? What is your relationship with them? if any?

I appreciate your feedback.

[Thunderstruck]

SO, SD9, and I went to a movie. There wasn't enough time to drop me off back home before SO had to take SD9 back to her uBPDbm so I tagged along. SO and SD9 stood over by the entrance of the store where we met her, I sat in the car in the parking lot.

uBPDbm scoped out his car and saw/assumed I was in there, started screaming "Is that (cword) with you?" in front of SD9. She drove over and blocked the back of the car I was in. She got out and started screaming at me "It is in your best interest to stay the (fword) away from my daughter" and called me names. SO got nervous and called 911. I told her and she saw that I was recording her. She got back in her car and left.

The second meeting SD9 had lice and uBPDbm didn't want to deal with it so she called me to come get her instead. She gave me information and was decent and helpful.

Since then we only see her at exchanges. She snaps at me if I talk or approach SD9. There's still a LOT of vitriol. Aside from exchanges I have zero contact with her.

[Nope]

We were at court for a contempt hearing because the kids BPD mom was blocking my fiance's phone contact with the children. I was just along to see the kids and for moral support. (BPD mom and the kids live three states away so he takes his parenting time if he needs to go out there for any reason.) After court was over, he followed her and her L out to her car to get the kid's overnight bag. There ended up being a polite conversation between the three of them that ended up going on long enough that it would have looked like I was afraid of her if I stayed hiding in the court house. So I walked confidently out to them, smiled, and said, "Hi, I'm Nope. It's nice to meet you."

Her eyes went completely blank and she looked right through me like I wasn't even there. No anger, no nothing. Like she literally couldn't process my existence so she just shut down. So I took the overnight bag from DF and said, still smiling, "I'll go put this in the car."

I think different BPD sufferers react differently. But I know I made the right decision in how to deal with her. The slightest hint of fear would have turned her into a bully. Now she avoids having to deal with me like the plague, tells the kids not to bother spending time with me because I won't stick around, and tries her hardest to pretend I don't even exist in every possible way.

But at least she doesn't call me names, ask the kids if I'm "pregnant or just fat", or smirk at my discomfort. That's what she did to the only other woman my DF ever brought around. Obviously, she made the mistake of showing fear.

[NorthernGirl]

Hello Panda39  . I hope you get as much help on this site as I have over the years. I've been with DH 8 years, married for 4. I have 3 stepsons -- all adults although the youngest has special needs so will likely always requirement guardianship, which is currently joint between the two parents.

The initial meetings I had with BH's ex (UBPD) were fairly benign, but interesting in hindsight. The first time was when DH and I came back from taking one son to a concert, and his ex came out the front door of DH's house as we pulled in the driveway. I'm guessing she just came to check me out as she was waving and saying something to me about how the youngest begged her to bring him over to his dad's. I realized she'd let herself in without DH's permission and I just got into my car and left.

The next time DH and his ex needed to sign some paperwork so DH asked if I would be a witness. His ex brought along her BF at the time, who was a lawyer. She was sweet as pie to me, but I quickly realized everyone else -- DH, her BF, the kids -- were all walking on eggshells. Just before DH asked me if I was nervous and I said no, but realized in hindsight it was because I had no idea what COULD happen. The rest of them were waiting for her to blow up or act in some different way. I knew nothing about her suspected BPD at that point. She focused on telling her lawyer boyfriend what he needed to do (he just nodded even when it was clear she didn't know what she was talking about. The kids stayed in the basement playing video games and wouldn't even come up to say goodbye to her. It's one of the little flags that went up that all was not what it appeared.

Once it became clear to me all that she was doing and she realized the boys were becoming attached to me, everything changed. She was passively aggressive around me. For example, she sent DH emails that included messages she told him to pass to me. For years, she convinced the youngest to spy on us until we caught on. The middle son (an addict who was enmeshed with his mom) was told if he wanted money or gifts, he had to badmouth me.

Here's my advice on dealing with your SO's ex:

* know that nothing you say will get her to wake up or see things in a new light. "Telling her off" will do absolutely nothing, except what you say might be twisted or at the very least used by her to tell the kids how horrible you are. In my case, DH's ex believes she has been the "perfect mother" (her words to her sons) despite much evidence to the contrary. I will never convince her otherwise.

* I suggest you try to keep interactions with his ex to a minimum. Once I figured out how ill DH's ex was, I've had very little contact with her, other than if we are at the same event I will nod her way. I stopped going to sports events if I thought she'd be there, mostly to reduce the stress for the kids.

* as stepmoms, we are easy targets so you need to get a tough skin about some stuff. DH has changed since being with me -- he no longer jumps at her requests, no longer listens to her abusive phone calls, no longer replies to her abusive emails. She knows once I was in the picture, she lost some of her power. So she tries to get that back in unhealthy ways.

* try your hardest to never have the kids hear any discussions you have with your DH about his ex. Say nothing in front of them as they will be torn and may defend her even if they suspect what you say is true. Watch out for spying. Expect what you say to be sent back to her and possibly twisted by her.

*  I try to remind myself that she is mentally ill. I don't believe she understands what she has put her kids through. She doesn't recall things as they actually happened. I believe she is terrified her kids will leave her (like her husband did, although she asked DH for a divorce it's not how she positions it.) I get the sense she is totally focused on her fears. I can't imagine being in her shoes and being constantly afraid. Realizing that helps me to have some empathy for her. I'm not as good as some others on this site are at having empathy but I try. DH has less empathy and I think is constantly shocked at the things his ex does, and may still expect that some day she will see the light and change.

Once I realized there was nothing I could do that would get her to seek help, stop abusing her kids or make her a better mom, I was in a better place to provide support to DH. I also stopped trying make things better or make-up for all the kids go through and focus instead on helping where it made sense. You will figure out this balance as you go along. Good luck!

[Panda39]

Many of the things you've spoken of I have gone through too.  We went through accusations of child abuse, parental alienation, so much spying the kids even reported to mom what was in the fridge!  I have developed a thicker skin although sometimes things still get through but most of the time I understand my SO's kids have to negotiate their mother too just like their dad and I.  Since the separation and divorce and help of therapy they are starting to recognize that mom has some problems and they are beginning to create boundries themselves. Which DH and I are very happy to see.  We rarely talk about mom when we are together other than in passing and I never say anything negative to them.  I have expressed to the older daughter almost 18 ) that her mother is not her responsibility that she needs to take care of her own life and that does not mean you don't love or care about your mom just that her problems are not the D18's problems to fix.  Other than that I have not referred to mom's problems at all.  I try and have my own relationship with the girls.

Since it's summer there won't be school activities for awhile but I am beginning to feel like I need to face meeting ex at some point.  I'm tired of missing choir concerts etc.  My SO thinks that the ex will try to charm me and she might (she's very much about how things appear to the outside world) but who knows ) It sounds like I should be confident and keep conversion to a minimum if any.

[ShannonRT]

I'm getting married in July and my fiance's ex is uBPD. We have been together for 18 months. She has been hostile about my fiance having a serious relationship, even though she asked for the divorce. They had been friends after (she doesn't have many friends--wonder why?) and once I came along, in her mind, everything changed. He de-friended her on Facebook shortly after we started dating, mostly to protect her feelings so she wouldn't see pictures of us together, and that was all MY fault. She STILL brings that up during arguments with him.

Anyway... . I met the kids about 4 months in, and her about a month later. We set up the first meeting at an ice cream shop, all 5 of us, but the kids took their ice cream outside so the three of us could talk privately for awhile. We really didn't talk about anything important that first day... . she had said she just wanted to get to know this woman who was going to be around her kids. It went well, I guess she liked me ok, nothing really drastic came of it.

The next time I saw her was at one of the kids' soccer games. We said hello and then after, I took her aside and had a private talk, just the two of us. I explained to her that I had been in her shoes and I understood how hard this is, that my ex had gotten remarried when my daughter was 8 and I knew exactly what it was like to have a strange woman come into your child's life. I said that I was never going to try and take her place as the kids' Mom and that I didn't see any reason why we couldn't be friendly with each other. She was very receptive to all that and I thought we were getting off on the right foot, despite all the negativity she was spewing to my fiance on a regular basis.

Well, that didn't last. Depending on her mood, she mostly thinks I am evil and trying to steal her kids and "show her up" at soccer games and make people think she's a bad Mom and whatever else she comes up with that day. We have had moments of friendliness over the past few months, but mostly she hates me. I've reached out to her multiple times and tried to have a peaceful relationship, to no avail. Usually, she apologizes, says she will try to do better, things will get better for awhile, then something happens (I painted my nails the wrong color?) that sets her off and we are right back where we started.

Fortunately for me, the kids like me and can see through Mom's BS. Unfortunately for us all, she won't get help. She has been to the kids' therapist with them once each, at their request. But she won't go back or seek any help on her own. She was diagnosed with anorexia as a teen and is afraid taking medication for her mood will make her fat (her words). She has admitted she has an "anger management problem."

At this point, I know she is never going to change... . we simply cannot have a peaceful relationship. I can't bring myself to reach out to her over and over, tell her the same things... . and expect different results. So DF deals with her as best he can, I live my life and if we run into each other at soccer or a band concert, I smile and say "hi" but that's about it. She still spews her negativity about me and everything we do to DF, but I have just had to learn to let that go. But it has been very difficult to not take that stuff personally at times.

Like you, I'm very angry, but if the kids want me to go to their soccer games, I will be there, even if it's uncomfortable. Seems like a lot of people on here have very different levels of crazy that we are dealing with. Like you said, she's already a part of your life, whether you've met her or not... . and whether you like it or not 

[JennyAnyDots]

What did I expect? Well... . from the second week of dating DH, I got to witness her calling him at all kinds of hours to scream and cuss at him about this that or the other, to scream and cuss about this random person or that who had or hadn't done something to her that day, etc. After we'd been dating for a little while, she told him she didn't want SS to meet me until we'd been dating at least 3 months. DH offered to introduce me to her a few times, and she ABSOLUTELY DID NOT want to meet me. Gradually more of the screaming calls involved me at one point or another. Seriously - I could be across the room and I could understand what she was screaming on the phone sometimes. Lovely to hear the ex-wife screaming about "your effing girlfriend" etc etc. So, I was expecting the first meeting, when it eventually happened, to be AWFUL.

Note, I'm very introverted and conflict averse. So I was totally okay with her very actively not wanting to meet me. We put a lot of energy into planning our schedules so there would never be any overlap with her.

Then one day, I was leaving DH's house, and BPDex drove up in the driveway to drop SS off early. I was in my car in the driveway. BPDex got out of her car with SS. My "fight or flight" response is usually "freeze." That day was no different. I froze. I didn't know what to do. She had made it VERY clear to DH many times, including not long before this, that she DID NOT want to meet me. So I tried to turn invisible. LOL. She said, "She can get out of the car!" and was perfectly civil, hi, nice to meet you, etc., acting like we were being silly and ridiculous. I was mortified. Quick introductions and hellos and she lectured DH about something unrelated and she was gone.

I go to as many of SS's events as I can, because it's important to him. BPDex goes to maybe about half of them. We often don't know whether she'll be there or not. Early on, I tried to chit-chat a bit with her in a friendly way. But it was very awkward. I've had other BPD's in my life, and I know I don't deal with it well in the long run -- all of my BPD's are out of my life now. So I have no desire to try to form a close relationship with her. I'd like it to be civil, for SS, and that's all I really want.

Early on, face-to-face, she'd mostly ignore me, while she gripes at DH and SS about other people, or about things they're doing wrong in her book, and occasionally while trash talking DH in front of me and SS she would turn to me and talk to me like I'm a compatriot who is with her on this, and can help her bring him into line. "Try to get him to x, y, z," etc. I would just smile until she went away. I didn't trust myself to speak; I can't begin to tell you how furious I get when she trash talks either of them in front of me, or in front of them, or in front of each other. She snarks and trash talks and never stops.

Then one day, I lost a tiny bit of control and one tiny bit of snark came out of my mouth in the middle of one of her tirades that wasn't making any sense at all. And she has NEVER forgotten it. She still brings it up to DH sometimes. I am NEVER to be present at any kind of discussion of SS's life or schedule or activities because I'm much too sarcastic and snarky! LOL. Fine with me!

This is all to my face.

To my DH, on the phone and in person, it's always been quite a different story. The trashing of me comes and goes. If he is calling her on her bad behavior, she almost always tries to deflect by swinging it back around to me somehow. If he is standing up to her and enforcing boundaries, that is about me and what a horrible person I am, too. DH has grown and changed a lot in the time we've been together (dated 3 years, married now for 4 years). He stops her short now when she starts in on me to deflect the conversation away from the topic at hand. I'm grateful - among other things, quite a lot of these "conversations" have occurred when SS is in her house, and if I can hear her from across the room on DH's telephone, I'm sure SS has heard a lot of it being in her house. Sigh.

So, basically, I'm the devil, and pretty much always have been. I'm ok with that. I'm in good company - the entire rest of the world is the devil or has been or will be at some point, in her reality. And I'm very lucky, I very rarely have to deal with her directly, and I never have had to deal with her directly about anything serious.

Sure, I would love an ideal world where I could be good friends with my SS's mother. Where we could all hang out and get along great, all the time. But I know myself. I'm not thick-skinned enough to weather the moods and the come-hither-go-away love and thrashing rollercoaster of the BPD. So I keep as much distance as I practically can.

Oh, and believe me, I have a lot of anger towards her as well, for how she has treated and continues to treat my DH, and for the way she uses SS as a weapon. Our therapist tries to help me remember that where DH is concerned, he is a grown man, and it's up to him whether he continues to allow her to abuse him, and I should be equally angry with him when he allows it. I'm not there. I can't be angry with him. I really don't know that I'd do any better. Also, I've been reading Stepmonster - and I see that I have some of your standard stepmother jealousies and anger as well, which really don't have anything to do with her, personally, per se, which I'm working through. And I hope to $Diety I'm able to keep these negative emotions to myself enough that it doesn't harm or stress out SS. If you haven't read Stepmonster, it's a really good read. Some of the things in there are more extreme when BPD's are involved, but there is still a lot of truth in there. Very helpful truth.

Best of luck when the time comes to meet the BPDex in your life! Rule of thumb seems to be - expect the unexpected. Roll with it as best you can. Remember, you and your honey have each other, and you're there modeling a good, loving, stable relationship for his kids. She can be whatever kind of crazy she wants to be, or not, as the whim strikes. And you will be okay.

[ennie]

I knew both DH and his ex socially before they were divorced, but not well.  We live in a small town, so you sort of know everyone, but they were not friends.  

But after they split up and a year later I dated him for the first time, the first meeting with her was completely intense.  I did not know her well enough to know she was BPD (though mutual friends had warned me that she was "crazy" and potentially dangerous when I started dating him).  

They were finalizing their divorce when he asked me out first, and about 3 weeks into dating, during signing divorce papers, she asked him if he was dating, he revealed that it was me who he was dating, and she flipped.  That evening, there was a birthday party of a mutual friend.  I did not know that she would be there.  She arrived, cornered me, and started yelling at me that I could date her ex, but NEVER, EVER to try to take her children!  

I am pretty good in intense emotional situations, so I hugged her, and she was really grateful and gushing about me.  Went from totally threatening and nearly violent to really loving and sweet... . At the time, I thought, "Well, this is intense, but I can work with this.  

The second time I saw her, she was screaming and throwing things at DH's apartment, and tried to run him over with her car; she seemed drunk, and was totally out of control. 

This nice/violent/nasty changeup lasted about a year.  Then, she ignored me for a year, then was mean for about 4 years, went through an 8 month nice phase, now is back to mean (meaning yelling at me in public, saying insulting things to me and about in front of the kids, and so on.  I have found that the fact that I am "good" at dealing with BPD behavior has no long term impact on her way of treating me, and have learned not to take it personally.  In the moment, when she vents and I set boundaries and am still loving, she really drops the mean stuff, expresses respect and caring for me, etc.  That lasts until I am out of sight, and then the hating on me starts all over again.  No matter how many times we go through it.  

So my solution has been to be grateful when she is nice, avoid her when she is not, and just not give it too much power.  I think every BPD person is different, but I think the theme is often that they are stuck in a storyline that does not have that much to do with what others perceive as reality, so it really is not your fault whether she loves you or hates you at any given moment. 

[ShannonRT]

This is so interesting to me. Our stories are all so similar... . the roller coaster of emotions, the cycles we go through with our SO's BPDs of "nice/mean", and the different ways we try to learn to deal with it.

Fact is... . none of us would ever CHOOSE to have these irrational, unreasonable, unpersonable, (mostly) unlikable people in our lives. And a blended family/step-parent relationship is probably one of the most difficult, awkward situations to be a part of to start with. Add a person with BPD to the mix and it's like throwing gas on a fire.

This is hard stuff. I admire all of you for the hard work and determination it takes to make these relationships work.

[ennie]

This is so interesting to me. Our stories are all so similar... . the roller coaster of emotions, the cycles we go through with our SO's BPDs of "nice/mean", and the different ways we try to learn to deal with it.

Fact is... . none of us would ever CHOOSE to have these irrational, unreasonable, unpersonable, (mostly) unlikable people in our lives. And a blended family/step-parent relationship is probably one of the most difficult, awkward situations to be a part of to start with. Add a person with BPD to the mix and it's like throwing gas on a fire.

This is hard stuff. I admire all of you for the hard work and determination it takes to make these relationships work.

I agree!  A big reason I did not throw up my hands a long time ago is that I really am learning so much from this, and in areas that are really important to me.  It is important to me to learn how to "love thy enemy," though I do not think I have any enemies, BPD mom definitely things of me that way at times!  And learning about the combination of stress, not taking care of myself, BPD meanness, and other dynamics that result in me being less compassionate is such an interesting process. 

My ideal is to have good boundaries, be loving with myself, and have compassion for BPD mom and all in my life.  But that is such a tricky balance, as boundaries that feel good to me change, and there is lots that draws me away from being totally aware of those changes in the moment.  I am pretty clear on the basics for me--when someone is really mean, particularly in public, it is hard to take it in and still be open and loving, so stepping away is a good plan.  With the kids, mean does not work on me, respectful/nice generally does.  But the tricky part is in the practice, and when I am depleted and not at my best, it is hard to remember not to walk past BPD mom when she is in bad form, hard not to get mad at the kids and deal with it in a way that helps them be more upset, and so forth.  It is challenging to have that clarity. 

The bottom line for me is that the less I project my uncomfortable feelings on others, the more I am able to keep growing and changing with things, and the less I feel like running away screaming!  But again, the distinction between assessing the situation and projecting is subtle... . it does not help to pretend things are not what they are.  With BPD mom, it is good to be able to assess her state and avoid what is a black hole... . while owning "Hey, right now I do not want to be around someone who talks that way to me."  OR being willing to see when she is open and I have the stamina for her boundary-pushing stuff, and I can reach out and give her a hug or compliment her. 

So glad to have this very challenging opportunity, though it is true that as you say, I would never have chosen to have someone like this close in my life. 

[Panda39]

The bottom line for me is that the less I project my uncomfortable feelings on others... . [/quote]


That is a really interesting idea about projecting uncomfortable feelings.  I might be doing some of that, in relation to my SO's daughters.  I have had a couple instances of unwelcoming behavior from them directly but I also know that I have a hard time separating them from their mother.  Is my being uncomfortable with uBPD mom being projected on to the daughters?... . good food for thought.

Being part of this family has been very difficult, not knowing where I fit in, wanting to fix things I know I can't, wanting to care about children that have painfully hurt their father (at the instigation of mom - Parental Alienation) and have not always been very nice to me, as well as dealing with mental illness.

My honey is a great guy and totally worth it but I often get kind of emotionally paralized by my own feelings.  I become conflicted between things I think I "should" do vs what I "want" to do.  My belief system says as dad's girlfriend I "should" attend his daughter's choir concerts but my true self doesn't "want" to go... . I want to avoid conflict and awkward moments with the ex. 

[Deep Impact]

I haven't met him, but apparently his name is Dad.