What to make of this...

[kfifd196]

Hi... . I've been separated from my uBPD wife since Feb 5.  I went to drop my 1 y/o daughter off yesterday (in the parking lot of the PD) after having her for 2 days and when I handed her to my 'wife', my daughter my daughter reached back for me crying and didn't want to go to her mother, who she's with most of the time.  I found this strange and my 'wife' had to hand her back to me to calm her.  My daughter hasn't been taking to women lately, but runs right up to men.  I told my 'wife' this and she took it personally and cursed at me.  I also informed her that our daughter didn't sleep well, because of thunder and lightning.  The ONLY other thing I told her was that I may not be able to get off work, to go to our daughter's 1 yr DR appt., which I had asked to go to.  That was the extent of the convo.  (She had a TRO against me, but was dropped to a civil RO and all we can talk about is the baby, which is what i did.  The original TRO came, when SHE attacked me in her driveway and ran off with the baby, down the street.  She falsely filed against me).  I got home yesterday, to find she called her lawyer and said I said demeaning things to her (she always takes things the wrong way and everything is "about her" even when it isn't). 

She asked me Wed via email, when she can come move out her belongings and I said I'd give her some dates.  That was 2 days ago and I had our daughter for those 2 days.  In the letter from her lawyer, they're complaining I haven't given her any dates yet and they will take me to court if they have to... . What the heck?  I wasn't sacrificing my treasured 2 days with my daughter, to sit and pick dates for her to get her things.  She abandoned our family because she bit me and knew I'd divorce HER... .   What can I do to stop these false allegations?  I'm seriously afraid to be near her, let alone have her come to my house and get her things.  (the PD will not stay at the house while she gets her stuff).

Thanks!

[Matt]

First, you're not alone - many of us here have dealt with similar stuff, and even worse.  (You haven't yet been arrested!)

My first suggestion would be, never be alone with your wife, without a non-family adult third party present all the time.  That is pretty much the only way to be sure you won't be accused of something serious.  (Even that won't prevent it entirely but will give you a solid witness if some accusation is made.)

If you are ever alone with her, without a non-family adult third party present, she can claim you hurt her, or threatened her - she can even physically attack you and then say you attacked her - and she will be assumed to be telling the truth.  You can be arrested and charged with a serious crime, and it may be hard to prove you are not guilty.  (You should be presumed innocent til proven guilty, but in cases like this, that's not how it often works.)

All communication should be by e-mail or through your lawyer.  Even phone calls can be risky - she can claim you threatened her.

The exchanges - sounds like you are already doing the in a neutral place, which is good, but you might want to take it into the police station so there will be people around - she is less likely to cause problems if there are people who can hear and see what she is doing.  Don't say anything at all to her - even in a public place - no conversation about any subject.  Just hand over the child and walk away.

It's sad you can't have basic, polite conversations, even about the child, but that is the reality.  You have already been accused of stuff, and gone through the RO process, so you know she is not limited to the truth, and she has something driving her to attack you.  Until that is fixed - and it's not likely it ever will be - it's not safe for you to ever have a conversation with her at all, without a good witness.  (It was my criminal defense attorney who told me, "non-family adult third party", after I was accused of assault.)

As far as her stuff, the way it works where I live is the police are glad to send an officer to supervise if you ask for someone to "keep the peace".  They do it all the time.  If they won't do that, talk to your attorney, and have your attorney present, or someone else your attorney can suggest - someone who can act as a witness and be with you all the time while your wife removes her stuff.  Make sure by exchange of e-mails in advance exactly what she will remove from the house - have a list you both agree to.  Change the locks so she can't come there without your permission, and watch to make sure she takes exactly what was agreed to.  Have a camera handy, and make sure the witness is with you every second so you can't be accused of anything.

[broken3]

Get a voice recorder for 50 bucks at a big box store. And also request a constable be present during the pickup and video tape.

It saved my behind. Not only with allegations. But things that were missing.

[Matt]

Get a voice recorder for 50 bucks at a big box store. And also request a constable be present during the pickup and video tape.

It saved my behind. Not only with allegations. But things that were missing.

Good ideas.  In my state, it's legal to audio record if one party (presumably you) is aware of it.  Different in different states - your lawyer should know or you can find out online what the law is where you live.

(Even if it's technically illegal, it may be a good idea, because it can prevent worse legal problems.)

[livednlearned]

A police officer won't stay while she is getting her stuff? In most states, you can request "domestic assistance" or something of a similar nature.

I agree with Matt and broken3 -- start recording. Even if it isn't legal (and you should check), it can be a good deterrent. My ex husband approached my car during an exchange and he was walking toward me in a menacing way. I started the recorder on my phone. When he saw it, he turned around and went back in the house and then sent abusive text messages instead.

The legality of recording someone without permission is a bit confusing. In some states, you need two-party consent. In others, you can record without consent. In some states, it might be legal, but family law judges might not allow you to use the recording in court. Other states might allow it, but ask that it be checked by a forensic IT person to verify it's authenticity. In my state, it's legal to record without consent, but my lawyer didn't want to go that route in court. It can backfire.

Regardless of all that, there are many people here who feel that even if the courts object to recordings, there are other professionals in the legal system who will take it into consideration, like police officers at the scene, or guardian ad litems. And then there are people who use it like me, to keep their exes from making threats.

Try to put everything you do with your ex in writing. If you both talk during the exchange, go home and then recap what was said. "As I mentioned during our exchange, you can come to the apartment to get your things after I have had my visitation with D. I'd like to focus on my time with her, and feel it will be less confusing to her if you are there removing your things." Or whatever you want to say to her.

Get into the habit of documenting everything you do. I have six binders of email communications. My ex has sent over ten thousand emails and text messages, and I've sent less than a hundred. All of mine are businesslike, factual, cover-your-you-know-what emails that show I'm reasonable, prompt, and to the point. All of exes are inflammatory, threatening, abusive, sometimes incoherent, contradictory.

Also, it's concerning that your D is responding the way she is. What kind of custody arrangement are you working toward? What has your lawyer been doing to help you?

[david]

My ex falsely acussed me of assault. I went to jail for two weeks. I purchased a video and an audio recorder after that. I live in Pa. and it is not legal to record. I explained to my atty that I was recording myself to protect myself from false allegations. There is nothing against the law doing that. The fact that she is in the recording is incidental. I explained to my atty that the judge should be able to disregard ex in the recording and just listen or see that I did not do what ex claimed I did. All my recordings are timed and dated. My video recorder is eye fi capable. You need to get an eye fi sd card. All recordings are sent on the cloud and can be retrieved later. It is also on the sd card but just in case the card is taken away by the police because of a false allegation I can still protect myself. Atty said okay with that plan. I haven't had a restraining order or any false allegations since that time. That was in 2010.

[kfifd196]

Thank you.  It is legal to record in NJ and I've tried that, but my wife saw it and went beserk, attacked ME and grabbed our baby out of my car and started running away, then realized she wasn't alllowed to take our baby, gave her back and I was served with a restraining order... . I should have had one on her!  My lawyer yelled at me and said I shouldn't have tried to record our meetings, but I knew how she lies and she has attacked me in the past several times, biting me the last time.  I am going back to recording. 

My wife's father passed away from an overdose when she was 7 and from what I get, she had a very tumultuous life, is a recovered alcoholic and has admitted she has abandonment issues and is insecure.  Now, she blames everything on me and it's as if NONE of her issues have contributed to our demise.

I can't afford to have my reputation ruined, by her false allegations, anymore.  As much as I still love her, I can't help her and have to protect myself.  How do I file a defamation of character suit?  Because I feel that's the only way to stop this... .

I don't want her in the house and she wants to be able to come pack her things.  The PD won't stay while she packs EVERYTHING, so I plan on boxing it up and putting it by the garage the day she wants to get it and have the PD and a Third Party there, in the house with me. 

This sucks, as I still really love her and can't understand how someone who "loved me so much" and was infatuated with me, can be so vile and ruthles.  All she wanted was for our daughter to have what she didn't have... . a nuclear family and father, but her actions and lies have taken that away and the more she does and lies, makes me look bad to our daughter, recreating my wife's childhood... . She was pregnant by another ex and he convinced her to have an abortion, then abandoned her while she was in the hospital!  She was scared I'd abandon her and told me that.  I would never do that and in fact, even through all of this, I have still tried to stand by her and hope she gets help.  Now I worry about our daughter.  When my wife filed the TRO, I hadn't seen my daughter in 4 weeks, as a result (she was 9 months old then).  The first time I saw her after the TRO was lifted, I was afraid she wouldn't recognize me.  Instead, she nearly leapt out of her carseat, with a smile as big as the moon!  I had my daughter the other day, for only 2 days and my daughter, who is now 1 yr old, didn't want to go to my wife, who has primary custody.  It makes me wonder what's going on at her parent's house, where she is staying.  What 1 yr. old girl doesn't want to go to her mommy?

She has devalued me and defamed\lied about me to her family and they think I am the 'bad guy'.  They don't know 99% of it.  I have the emails and pictures of her rages, etc. but I can't show them to anyone.

What else can I do?  Can I file a defamation suit?  All of her claims are baseless and I can't see how she can just file things without proof!  I have a clean record and not even a traffic ticket!  I met my wife and now I'm worried about going to jail on her lies.  Meanwhile, she has a history of filing TRO's against boyfriends, created a Slanderous MySpace Page, against an ex-boyfriend, etc.