First time on this board-question?

[eilmurf]

We are not divorced no legal stuff yet, been married 7 years my husband who is a high functioning uBPD has been living in another state (active duty military) and has not seen our 3 year old son for over 6 months. He now wants to have him on fathers day for 4 days wants to take him and stay in some hotel. I have some real concerns for my childs mental well-being due to what I know this person is capable of. He has caused considerable mental trauma to two other kids he has who are older and have little to do with him now, so now he is starting to focus more on our child. He always says he is coming to visit and them cancels last minute (costs too much etc). I'm hoping he does not come but have to prepare for if he does. He says he has hotel reserved (has no plane ticket yet)Any suggestions on bow to handle this... btw he is all the typical BPD unreasonable, disordered and worse when triggered etc

[Nope]

If there is no legal paperwork granting him anything then you can simply say no. My fiance's uBPDex kept him from seeing their children for over a year and a half simply by refusing to allow contact until an order was signed. Now, for your child's safety, you can do the same thing.

Anyone can call a hotel and make or cancel their reservation. Getting out of plane tickets is a huge expensive pain these days. Even "refundable" ones. So the fact that he is waiting until the last minute to get them means he probably isn't that serious about coming as tickets get astronomically expensive the closer it gets to the date.

You said no legal stuff "yet". I highly recommend going to the Family Law board. They will be able to help you figure out the best way to tackle that. The sooner you begin preparing yourself the better.

[david]

Hotels usually allow cancelations up to 6 pm the day of the reservation without any charges so that is not an issue.

[Matt]

Or you could take some in-between approach - maybe let him have the child for a few hours the first day, but not over night, and then a few hours the next day, and see how it's going.

[livednlearned]

What is the nature of the mental trauma he inflicts?

Also -- How is he likely to react if you say no?

If he usually cancels, would you be comfortable calling his bluff? For example, agreeing casually. "Let me know when you're in town and we can discuss arrangements." Leave it loose.

Then if he cancels, he cancels. If he arrives, then go to your contingency plan, whatever that might be.

For now, this might work ok. But what are your plans going forward when he continues to want to see your son?

[eilmurf]

Thank you all for some great responses. Ive found out he now has his ticket so he will be here for fathers day. There is not paper work involved as yet. I'm always thinking where to implement some boundaries which of course never goes very well as he thinks I'm just being difficult. I think Matt your idea to allow him some hours the first day but not overnight was a great one and I'm now wondering when to discuss this with him as my experience in the past is that it could go who knows where in terms of how he reacts as he's so unpredictable. Telling him before he gets here or after he arrives as in the element of surprise so he has no time to think? He thinks all the time about every little thing and it drives me nuts. No matter what you discuss he does not remember the details is what he tells me which is very frustrating when your trying to plan... with little ones involved. The last time he borrowed my car seat and brought it back broken. Ive a good mind to tell him to get his own but see that as drama as well... . he has no respect for what I pay for and looses stuff I can ill afford to replace (regards our sons stuff, clothes, shoes etc)...

[Matt]

Boundaries!

Stuff - Put it out of site, don't offer it, and if he asks to borrow something, find a way to say no.

If it's for the child, like the car seat, maybe you take a chance, but it would be better to tell him in advance, "Bring a car seat."

Lots of us have played games with kids' clothes.  Usually what works is to send the child with only the clothes he's wearing, so you get back one set of clothes.  If you send more clothes you might not get them back.  If he will have the child overnight, "Bring your car seat and a change of clothes for Child."

"He doesn't remember the details... . " - don't talk to him about the arrangements - do it by e-mail so there is a record.  If he sends another e-mail asking the same question, re-send the answer you gave him before.

Keep e-mails short - 3 sentences max - and focused on one topic, like the schedule.

Tell him what you think will work, with maybe a very short reason, and then don't argue about it.  "I think it will work best if you pick Child up around noon Saturday and bring him back by 4:00."  If he doesn't agree you can be a little flexible - if he asks for five hours instead of four and you think that's OK say "OK" - but if he wants to argue you don't have to take part in that, just let your offer stand - "If you would like to take Child for a few hours Saturday let me know.  I don't think overnight would be a good idea." - and drop it.

[eilmurf]

livednlearned the nature of the mental trauma is vast... . from playing head games with me and the children, twisting everything around (just like BPD people do) ... refuses to take responsibility for anything,,tells people im a psycho, covers his stuff up with couselors and makes it look like its all me, making plans or starting arguments and denying any involvement. When I say no to him its a trigger and he reacts like a 3 year old having a tantrum. My plans going forward are to get on my feet asap financially so I can stand on my own two feet independent and out from underneath his control.

[eilmurf]

Thank you Matt for all the good input and yes boundaries are a constant work in progress. If I say to him the last time you took the car seat you broke it- he denies it or thinks im trying to start an argument. If I tell him "no" he will start to rage (Usual reaction), my little guy is only 3 and he doesnt care if this upsets him (course its all about him), ive been trying to protect both lads as the oldest is still suffering from trauma he put him through (going after him in his rages and getting in his face type stuff). I plan to send him with nothing, im definitely not happy with him staying overnight with him in a hotel and sleeping in the same bed ,he has an addiction to pornography, chat lines and who knows what else and this just sets off my fears. I honestly can say  that though we have been married 7 years I do not know who this person really is (lots of secrets, lies etc) so its hard going forward knowing this is all stuff I have to contend with on some level and trying to make plans with children caught up in it all. Yes we do email but I think it needs to go to more of this instead of any type of conversation about planning anything...

[Matt]

So don't say anything to him.  Write him an e-mail:  "Make sure to bring a car seat."

If he writes back, "Can I borrow your car seat?" - "No, that won't work.  You need to bring one."

Don't argue with him.  Don't discuss it by phone or face-to-face, so the child won't hear you fighting.

If he rages it will be by e-mail - my ex certainly did that - ignore anything that's inappropriate and only respond to appropriate stuff.

[eilmurf]

OK so I let him know in a message what he needs to bring that I wont be providing- nothing back yet. He arrives tomorrow to pick up our 3 year old and will take him away to some hotel for the week-end. I said I thought it was best if he brought him back tomorrow night to sleep at home as he (the 3 yr old) has not seen him in over 6 months and of course he's digging his heels in and determined to get his own way. Right now I am not responding to any of his messages and dont know what to do! He will come here tomorrow and he will attempt to take him. My 3 year old has a relationship with him on the phone but not in person I'm concerned what might happen when he realizes hes not coming back as hes so used to his routine. I keep telling myself to just let go... but because I know he's all about messing with little vulnerable minds (saw what he did to two other kids he has with someone else) I cant help but be worried.