Something is changing with SD14

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Well, I think something is finally changing in enmeshed SD14's relationship with her BPD mom.  The source of her newfound independence relates to a room we have been working on for her... . she shares a small room with her 10 year old sister, and we have been building a little cabin for her about 20 feet from the house. 

The change was VERY subtle. 

The backstory: We have just gone through a time with BPD mom where she was amazingly nice to both DH and I.  I have been with dH 7 years now and she has gone back and forth between loving and hating me... . she had gone through a long spell of hating me, and aggressing against me in public in front of the kids, which would often result in SD14 trying to find ways it was my fault and being difficult for a few days with me (in general we have a very loving relationship). 

Then, I had an emergency surgery and BPD mom was very nice and loving for about 6 months.  Super sweet to me. 

Last week, that came to an end.  We were at SD10's play, and she asked me how I was, and in my answer I mentioned the new room we are working on for SD14 (she knows about it as SD14 , and BPD mom totally lost it, yelling at me that SD14 was HER daughter, I had no right to provide for her, and it was really MINE anyway, that it was not for her but just "building your empire!" and so forth.  Waving fist in a threatening way.  I was surprised for the first time in years, and tears came to my eyes, and I said, "Hey, enough."  and walked away.  This was all in front of SD14. 

I was really scared SD14 would then decide to not like her room, and be making me wrong for initiating a new room for her... . using mom's words as she often does and yelling and blaming.  It is really hard to have her act like mom, and she has been doing so well at being her own person! 

But then she did not do that.  After the performance, when we got home the first thing she did was want to see the room and how it is coming.  She knows I have been doing a lot of work on it, and when she saw how far it came that day, she gave me a kiss on the cheek and said, "Thank you.  Really.  I mean it.  Thank you." 

Her dad asked her what had happened at the play, and she just said, "I do not want to talk about it."  When she was 12, she would have launched in to how mean I am to mommy by saying something upsetting to her, how nothing "happened," mommy was fine, just talked to me in a nice way when I hurt her feelings.  But this time, she was quiet until we got home.  No depressed mood, no saying she needs to live with mommy, none of that.  Just excitement for her own little place and gratitude for our work on it. 

For the past 7 years, I have had this hope that she could eventually separate from her mom without having to hate her... . and I see that happening.  She is not rebelling horribly, and right now there are no fireworks.  Just an ongoing blossoming of gratitude for me and her dad, and especially for me.  It is really very lovely, and I am so proud of her for doing it this way.  Who knows what will come, but for now I am just amazed at her grace. 

[ennie]

Well, I think something is finally changing in enmeshed SD14's relationship with her BPD mom.  The source of her newfound independence relates to a room we have been working on for her... . she shares a small room with her 10 year old sister, and we have been building a little cabin for her about 20 feet from the house. 

The change was VERY subtle. 

The backstory: We have just gone through a time with BPD mom where she was amazingly nice to both DH and I.  I have been with dH 7 years now and she has gone back and forth between loving and hating me... . she had gone through a long spell of hating me, and aggressing against me in public in front of the kids, which would often result in SD14 trying to find ways it was my fault and being difficult for a few days with me (in general we have a very loving relationship). 

Then, I had an emergency surgery and BPD mom was very nice and loving for about 6 months.  Super sweet to me. 

Last week, that came to an end.  We were at SD10's play, and she asked me how I was, and in my answer I mentioned the new room we are working on for SD14 (she knows about it as SD14 , and BPD mom totally lost it, yelling at me that SD14 was HER daughter, I had no right to provide for her, and it was really MINE anyway, that it was not for her but just "building your empire!" and so forth.  Waving fist in a threatening way.  I was surprised for the first time in years, and tears came to my eyes, and I said, "Hey, enough."  and walked away.  This was all in front of SD14. 

I was really scared SD14 would then decide to not like her room, and be making me wrong for initiating a new room for her... . using mom's words as she often does and yelling and blaming.  It is really hard to have her act like mom, and she has been doing so well at being her own person! 

But then she did not do that.  After the performance, when we got home the first thing she did was want to see the room and how it is coming.  She knows I have been doing a lot of work on it, and when she saw how far it came that day, she gave me a kiss on the cheek and said, "Thank you.  Really.  I mean it.  Thank you." 

Her dad asked her what had happened at the play, and she just said, "I do not want to talk about it."  When she was 12, she would have launched in to how mean I am to mommy by saying something upsetting to her, how nothing "happened," mommy was fine, just talked to me in a nice way when I hurt her feelings.  But this time, she was quiet until we got home.  No depressed mood, no saying she needs to live with mommy, none of that.  Just excitement for her own little place and gratitude for our work on it. 

For the past 7 years, I have had this hope that she could eventually separate from her mom without having to hate her... . and I see that happening.  She is not rebelling horribly, and right now there are no fireworks.  Just an ongoing blossoming of gratitude for me and her dad, and especially for me.  It is really very lovely, and I am so proud of her for doing it this way.  Who knows what will come, but for now I am just amazed at her grace. 

[david]

I was always afraid our two boys would be screwed up because of the chaos and bs from their BPDmom. I found a therapist to help me, found this site, and read like crazy. Finding a T for the boys was a waste of time because ex would never agree with anything and we need that in our court order. I found ways around it. The school counselor helped a lot.

I have SS's. They are from xBPDw first marriage. One is 30 and is engaged. We talk and get together frequently. Just a few weeks ago I was helping him fix his car. I used to repair cars years ago. We spent the entire day working on it. We had to spend another few hours on another day to complete everything. It was a lot of work and would have cost him a bundle. He thanked me for helping him. A week later he had another problem which was easy to resolve. I explained it to him on the phone. I offered to go to his place but he wanted to do it himself. Everything worked fine. He called me up a few days later to tell me all about it. He thanked me and said he never would have even tried it but I gave him confidence when he was a teen that he could do anything he put his mind to. He went on about specific things that happened back then. He never criticized his mom but he never said anything positive about her during the conversation.

Sometimes you don't get to see the changes until a lot later or never at all.

I've read a lot of your posts. Keep up the good work. Sounds like SD14 is growing up. I think a big problem for preteens and a BPD parent is they don't know how to protect themselves and also have a relationship with parents and step parents. I don't have to live with my ex anymore so it is much easier for me.

We have two boys (15 and 11). S15 is at point where he is able to make a boundary with his mom and stick to it. He doesn't let the nastiness from her affect him. S11 is still navigating that path and oftentimes disappears at his moms to "stay out of trouble".

[ForeverDad]

I was really scared SD14 would then decide to not like her room... . But then she did not do that.  After the performance, when we got home the first thing she did was want to see the room and how it is coming.  She knows I have been doing a lot of work on it, and when she saw how far it came that day, she gave me a kiss on the cheek and said, "Thank you.  Really.  I mean it.  Thank you."

He thanked me and said he never would have even tried it but I gave him confidence when he was a teen that he could do anything he put his mind to. He went on about specific things that happened back then. He never criticized his mom but he never said anything positive about her during the conversation.

Sometimes you don't get to see the changes until a lot later or never at all.

You don't have to be Superman or Superwoman, SuperDad or SuperMom.  As you've proven, do your reasonable best and in time - hopefully sooner rather than later -  you'll see good results, children growing up into appreciative balanced adults or grown up already.

"Really.  I mean it."  I think that meant far more than the common words 'Thank you' alone, right?