Bad night, could use some support and direction

[refusetosuccumb]

I felt things were getting a bit better for us, kids and I moved out 6 weeks ago.

My ex can't deal with more than one child at a time (we have 2, boy 10 and girl 7, who are vastly different individuals and it's hard to find activities they enjoy at the same time) so he's been taking each for a sleepover, one night a week.  Last night was our son's turn.  So far so good.

I get a call from ex about 10:15pm, saying our son wanted to come home because he was sick.  I drove across town to get him.  When I got there, son was looking green.  Ex wanted to talk to me quickly, so I said ok and went into his music room with him.

Ex says that son broke down crying out of the blue, asking for his family back (never heard this phrase from my son, but at this point I didn't know what had happened).  Ex wanted to know what he can do for me to give him another chance.  I told him there is nothing he can do, it's over, we need to remain friendly for the kids but other than that, we are no longer a couple.

Ex self medicated for year (drugs, alcohol) and got "clean" a year ago.  His new addiction?  Other women.

He brought up the fact that he got clean for me and that he never had my "love" in order to stay clean.  He starts crying, saying he understood that he killed our marriage but that I had some responsibility too.  I agreed with him, I wasn't perfect, but we are toxic together and this is better for all of us.  He asked why my feelings are the most important (ie why I moved out with the kids) and I just reminded him that this was for the best.  He kept crying.  I didn't want the kids to see him that way, but at least he was just sad and not raging for a change.  He walked us to the door and gave the kids a hug.  The kids sobbed all the way home.  I quietly did too, for I'm very sad for them that they have to go through this.

Ex sent a text at midnight, saying that our son could stay for the day with him if I can't miss work.  By the time we got home, our daughter didn't want to go to school either.  I told both kids they could stay home for a mental health day (we ALL need one!)  I texted ex back right away, letting him know he'll need to take both if he wants them.  I haven't heard back from him and technically I should have been at work almost an hour ago.  I asked the kids if they wanted to stay with their dad for the day if he's up for it and they said yes but would prefer to stay home (all their electronics are here)

I'm not getting back with him, this is a wound we just need to get through.  Ex is fixated on the cheating, but we all know it goes way deeper and blacker than just that.  I finally broke free and now he's trying to use the kids feelings to lure me back.

Had a chat with the kids.  They love the new calmness of our new apartment but feel bad for their dad.  I reminded them that their dad loves them, that he seems to be doing well on his own and that this was adult stuff and one day they will understood.

Just feeling sad and yucky today.  Hoping ex doesn't phone, hoping he got distracted or fell asleep and I can just enjoy the day with the kids (took an emergency day from work.)

[momtara]

Hi.  These kinds of days unfortunately are going to happen now and then in the initial stages of moving on.  I am sorry.  I left my exH a year and a half ago and we've been divorced since Dec.  He is still crying and asking me to take him back and he's in counseling.  But I know counseling isn't going to change the deep-down person he is.  Maybe if someone invents medicine to treat BPD, he could change enough, but for now it will not happen.

My kids are toddlers and don't really understand, but if they were older I'm sure they'd feel as your kids do.  It is natural to feel bad for him when he's crying and begging for one more chance.  Sometimes we have to look at old journals or remind ourselves how bad things got.  This stage, where he is trying to be perfect for you, is called recycling or h--vering (for some reason we're not allowed to call it that anymore!)  It can be sincere, but it may be risky to take him back.

I still struggle with my own guilt over my exH, who can be so vulnerable.  Mine never cheated.  Since yours cheats, he will at some point move on.  Which means he won't be so focused on you.  Once the terms of visitation etc are spelled out, it will be a little easier also. 

It is frustrating that he says he can watch the kids, then doesn't respond to a call.  You may just have to assume he's going to flake out - that's what I generally do, plan for the worst.  I think you will feel good after this mental health day.  You are probably better equipped to deal with sick son than he is anyway.  

Keep posting - this is a tough time, but it should get better.  

[ennie]

Just wanted to ask if the kids have a counselor, or other relatives/close adults that can help provide some support?  I think for my SDs, one of the hardest things about the divorce was that because BPD mom was so wrecked, and then projected so much blame on my now DH, they felt like they had nobody to turn to.  They felt they could not talk to dad about mom without betraying her trust; and they felt not only sorry for BPD mom but terribly guilty that they could not fix it for her or help her, and terrified that if they said so that mom would kill herself or leave them forever.  So having a counselor or wise friend was so critical for the kids, so they could say, "what is going on with my mom?" and hear from loving adults who did not seem to have a "vested interest" in the matter.  Even hearing from a family member, ":)ad has a hard time dealing with intense feelings, and everyone has intense feelings when breaking up, but being apart will let both mom and dad be more at peace and more focused on loving you both and being there for you" could go a long way.  Just to give them that bigger picture that things will be okay, it is painful but okay for people to feel pain. 

Good luck to you!  Sounds like you are taking good care of your kids and your self.  It will get easier!

[momtara]

PS, I have noticed that when a few days go by and I haven't talked to my ex, I feel so much healthier.  However, we do share kids and I have to communicate with him.  And I have sympathy for him (whether I should or not.  I'm human!)  So we are bound together, unfortunately.

Sometimes he is happy and then things are good, no angry or manipulative exchanges.  Then something ticks him off.  Unfortunately I am still riding the coaster with him a bit.

Divorce is a big stressor so it may feel easier after it ends. 

[ennie]

PS, I have noticed that when a few days go by and I haven't talked to my ex, I feel so much healthier.  However, we do share kids and I have to communicate with him.  And I have sympathy for him (whether I should or not.  I'm human!)  So we are bound together, unfortunately.

Sometimes he is happy and then things are good, no angry or manipulative exchanges.  Then something ticks him off.  Unfortunately I am still riding the coaster with him a bit.

Divorce is a big stressor so it may feel easier after it ends. 

Both DH and I have a lot of sympathy for his ex.  I knew them a little before their divorce (we did not overlap! we live in a small town, and there was a year between the relationships... . ).  I think this has been really good for the kids.  For DH and me both, it has been really important to have clear boundaries and also to be loving.  So no matter how much his ex emotes, that does not sway his decisions, and he may not be willing to even hear her say what she needs to say at this point, but he still cares about her well being and  has empathy for her feelings.  She has a tough row to hoe. 

But both of us are much better at real empathy, as well as sympathy, when we are not entangled in her intensity, drama, and emotion.   

And, he did go to counseling with his ex all through divorce, partly at my suggestion.  I am not sure it helped at all, but I think at the least it helped him to have the sense that he did his best, and that he could not help it if she was not able to use those tools well. 

Divorce is intense for anyone, especially for BPD folk who often so fear abandonment.  And it is not only you who feels calmer with a break from your ex; he probable also feels that way.  So even if he may not have that self-awareness, it may be best for all of you!

[ForeverDad]

He brought up the fact that he got clean for me and that he never had my "love" in order to stay clean.

A professional would remind you that recovery is more likely and persists better when a person does it for himself, not for others.  His recovery should not be dependent upon you or your choices.  His perceptions are skewed.

He starts crying, saying he understood that he killed our marriage but that I had some responsibility too.  I agreed with him, I wasn't perfect, but we are toxic together and this is better for all of us.  He asked why my feelings are the most important (ie why I moved out with the kids) and I just reminded him that this was for the best.

No one is perfect.  But blame shifting won't discount that fact that by far the majority of the issues and causes of the marriage's failure were his.  Just as you're not trying to blame him overmuch, he shouldn't be blame shifting.

I reminded them that their dad loves them, that he seems to be doing well on his own and that this was adult stuff and one day they will understood.

Just be sure you're not excusing poor behaviors and not invalidating their correct observations and conclusions.  They can realize it sucks but they shouldn't see the dysfunction as 'normal' or 'okay'.  Proper validation and proper example are crucial.  For example, they can and should love their father but they should become grounded enough that they don't grow up and seek out relationships with someone like him.  People who have grown up in dysfunctional home are at risk of doing that, that's one benefit of having a separate reasonably normal and stable home, it sets a good example for them.

Very important too is that you make sure the children don't feel they're part of the problem or the cause of the separation.  You may have to remind them of this periodically.  Their feeling guilty or part of the problem happens - is not that unusual - and they won't even tell you, they may not even recognize it themselves or have words for it.

[refusetosuccumb]

Very important too is that you make sure the children don't feel they're part of the problem or the cause of the separation

Great point.  I struggled with this in the beginning and sought the advice of my kiddos therapist before telling them we were separating.  Because in all honesty, they ARE the reason in that they need a stable household.  But I'd never, ever want them feeling that I did it FOR them or they caused it.  So I keep validating to them that mommy and daddy get along better when we don't live together.  Mommy and daddy don't want them thinking their job is to protect either one of us, we are the adults.  Their job is to be kids.  They seem to "get" that.  We went to a group therapy session specifically for kids that have parents with mental illnesses.  First thing they did was make sure the kids know they have permission to have fun and feel happy, even when their parent isn't able to feel that way.  That it's ok to be a kid.  My son actually felt guilty laughing and having fun, I've seen a marked difference in him since that session.  He laughs more, goes outside with his friends more.  Just being him and having fun. 

The kids and I took a mental health day yesterday, I called off work and allowed them to play hooky for the day.  We never do this, but we definitely needed that.  We got to work decorating our apartment.  Bought the kids each a huge dry erase board and hung them in the livingroom, the kids can make or erase their art whenever they want to and it feels more like a home to them.  We had a great day, had a few really good chats and had a good night's sleep.

Ex texted to see how the kids were doing, so at least he was thinking about them.  He's always been a good dad to them when not dysregulated, luckily for them he always chose me to yell at instead of them.  Now he can be "good time dad" and have a relationship with them, even if it's not a tradition father type relationship.  but this world is made up of many kinds of families, the kiddos have friends with parents that are split, some don't live with their parents they live with grandparents/aunts/uncles etc.  My fear is that they will choose a relationship with someone like their father.  I want them to know better, to do better.  To be loved the way they deserve to be loved by someone that can love them that way.

Parenthood is not for wimps that's for sure. 

[ForeverDad]

My fear is that they will choose a relationship with someone like their father.  I want them to know better, to do better.  To be loved the way they deserve to be loved by someone that can love them that way.

Frankly, if you would have stayed as appeaser, peacemaker, muddy doormat or target of an inconsistent and misbehaving spouse, then the family dynamic would have continued to be dysfunctional, unhealthy and a poor example.  And without knowing what a normal home life should be, their future relationship choices would have been influenced negatively.

But things are different now, you're able to provide a healthy example, the children will have a stable and peaceful home and it will have a good impact on them.  Believe it, they're better off now, despite the pain of separation and divorce.

It would have been better if the marriage could have been healthy and not dysfunctional, but the fact is it wasn't, you had to decide for an alternative and so this is the reality of life.

[momtara]

 "Because in all honesty, they ARE the reason in that they need a stable household. "

that's my big secret too.  I'd probably still be with hubby if not for the kids.  he'd still be verbally abusive, but maybe I would have handled it.  although... . maybe not.

I have 3 dry erase boards in my house.  i love them!  i use them more for lists of things to do and upcoming events than for art... . it's so much easier to make plans and keep them without someone throwing a wrench in them all the time.

It sounds like you all needed that day.  And deserved it.