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Author Topic: Im new and this is my 3 post  (Read 540 times)
timebombtango

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« on: June 05, 2014, 04:29:11 PM »

apparently I wasn't on the proper spot in posting, I posted two posts in introductions if anyone needs back story. But Im pretty much stuck in a BPD marriage and Ive come here if nothing else for support since most of my friends and family are alienated away from me. I am struggling with the reality that my life is right now. But at the same time... . Im stronger person for it. thanks in advance for the understanding and help. I feel so welcome and safe already.
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wilsonian
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« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2014, 04:32:50 PM »

we are all in this together timebomb... . all I know how to do is support others... . reach out to others in the same boat and pray one day God will heal all people with BPD and other disorders that seem to go along with BPD... . Never give up hope!
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timebombtango

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« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2014, 07:23:41 PM »

we are all in this together timebomb... . all I know how to do is support others... . reach out to others in the same boat and pray one day God will heal all people with BPD and other disorders that seem to go along with BPD... . Never give up hope!

Thankyou. Hopefully I'll be of some help to someone along the way if nothing else to listed and say i get it
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« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2014, 10:33:05 AM »



Timebomb,

You are in the right place.  I've looked over your posts... . and you can definitely be helped here.

How do I know this?

Because you are here... . and you... . and only you have the power to change how you do things. 

I'm not saying you need to start changing right now... . but you need to take time to learn about the disorder in general... . and to do some objective thinking about your relationship in particular.


I read your post about your food exchanges... . and my first reaction is that it has nothing to do with food.  It's all about getting you to do "the dance" with him where he can complain, accuse... . etc etc.

You can't "make" him do things differently... . but you can choose not do dance.

Please spend time reading and learning before you try this.  Because once a disordered person figures out that the dancing rules are changing... . they will try something else to keep you dancing.

There are people on this board that have made incredible strides in their relationships without their SOs ever getting therapy or diagnosed.  Many refuse to believe they have even the slightest bit of responsibility.

Do NOT try to "make" him see that he is causing the problem.  That almost never works.

Keep coming back and posting... . again... you are in the right place!



we are all in this together timebomb... . all I know how to do is support others... . reach out to others in the same boat and pray one day God will heal all people with BPD and other disorders that seem to go along with BPD... . Never give up hope!

Thankyou. Hopefully I'll be of some help to someone along the way if nothing else to listed and say i get it

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timebombtango

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« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2014, 04:26:14 AM »

Timebomb,

You are in the right place.  I've looked over your posts... . and you can definitely be helped here.

How do I know this?

Because you are here... . and you... . and only you have the power to change how you do things. 

I'm not saying you need to start changing right now... . but you need to take time to learn about the disorder in general... . and to do some objective thinking about your relationship in particular.


I read your post about your food exchanges... . and my first reaction is that it has nothing to do with food.  It's all about getting you to do "the dance" with him where he can complain, accuse... . etc etc.

You can't "make" him do things differently... . but you can choose not do dance.

Please spend time reading and learning before you try this.  Because once a disordered person figures out that the dancing rules are changing... . they will try something else to keep you dancing.

There are people on this board that have made incredible strides in their relationships without their SOs ever getting therapy or diagnosed.  Many refuse to believe they have even the slightest bit of responsibility.

Do NOT try to "make" him see that he is causing the problem.  That almost never works.

Keep coming back and posting... . again... you are in the right place!



we are all in this together timebomb... . all I know how to do is support others... . reach out to others in the same boat and pray one day God will heal all people with BPD and other disorders that seem to go along with BPD... . Never give up hope!

Thankyou. Hopefully I'll be of some help to someone along the way if nothing else to listed and say i get it


Yes i agree it has nothing to do with food. Its the time bomb tango dance. I've tried not dancing and he only screams yells and trys harder. I do have success with one boundary that took me  years for it to finally work. If he berates anyone in public i walk away and refuse to be embaresssd . He knows the very second he loses his cool at someone... . i will walk out. It diminishes the number of public displays. However l usually get the crap he didn't fling at them once we are back in the car driving back home. But i will say no longer sitting while he flips out over a waitress... . is freeing. Because should his mask he wears in public slips... . i can take ME out of the direct line of fire... . he has gotten better in this area .

However any other boundary I've tried dosent stick. Because he know s I'm over a barrel finacially and that i cannot leave. So I'm prisoner and parachute depending on the moment wee are in. He has a major meltdown if hes yelling or.talking or.crying or.thibking about yelling talking or.crying.because I'm a mind reader.don't ya know... . if.i try to leave the room. So i have attempted to have a boundary in which he dosent let me leave a room i will call the police. But now he will let me leave the room but will follow me... . if i go to leave the house he refuses to move from in front of the car. So I'm struggling with how to bring boundarys into place without him going berserk. I'm so thankful he isn't physically abusive. But I'm at my wits end on emotional abuse. Verbal abuse and so on. Deep down i love him... . but loving someone and living with them is an entirely diff story.

Thankyou for the encouragement ... . support. i just need a soft place to land.
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« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2014, 05:23:00 AM »

Yes i agree it has nothing to do with food. Its the time bomb tango dance. I've tried not dancing and he only screams yells and trys harder. I do have success with one boundary that took me  years for it to finally work. If he berates anyone in public i walk away and refuse to be embaresssd . He knows the very second he loses his cool at someone... . i will walk out. It diminishes the number of public displays.

This is good... . you have practical experience seeing that boundaries work.  It also seems like you have practical experience with boundaries sometimes being hard to implement.

I'm going to ask that you pick a period of time here where you focus on reading and learning... . and coming up with a plan on how to better implement boundaries. 

One lesson I learned early on... . and seem to be able to hold to in my personal life of "dealing with a pwBPD" is that i haven't tried to implement a boundary and "back down" from that.

I don't think enough of your story is here to see if that is happening here or not.

Basic theory:  A boundary is something you do for yourself.  So... . you get to decide if they work or not.  He will do... what he will do.  Also... . as you have seen... . he most likely will try to get you to back down... . or test your limits with your boundary.[/quote]
However l usually get the crap he didn't fling at them once we are back in the car driving back home. But i will say no longer sitting while he flips out over a waitress... . is freeing. Because should his mask he wears in public slips... . i can take ME out of the direct line of fire... . he has gotten better in this area .

However any other boundary I've tried dosent stick. Because he know s I'm over a barrel finacially and that i cannot leave. So I'm prisoner and parachute depending on the moment wee are in. He has a major meltdown if hes yelling or.talking or.crying or.thibking about yelling talking or.crying.because I'm a mind reader.don't ya know... . if.i try to leave the room. So i have attempted to have a boundary in which he dosent let me leave a room i will call the police. But now he will let me leave the room but will follow me... . if i go to leave the house he refuses to move from in front of the car. So I'm struggling with how to bring boundarys into place without him going berserk. I'm so thankful he isn't physically abusive. But I'm at my wits end on emotional abuse. Verbal abuse and so on. Deep down i love him... . but loving someone and living with them is an entirely diff story.

Thankyou for the encouragement ... . support. i just need a soft place to land.

My reaction is that you need to practice and be successful at implementing smaller boundaries.  This may be a thing where you need to build up momentum.

Also hopefully you can do some reading on this site about the differences in rules and boundaries.  Those can be confused sometimes... . but in reality are very different.

Rules are dependent on him.  Boundaries are not.

There are others on here that can explain that much better than I can... . but the above statement is how I quickly organize it in my head... . and I've found that helpful.

Hang in there... . please ask more questions... .

Can you think of some "smaller" issues that you have with the r/s that you would like to try setting a boundary on.  Maybe if you could post about those we could help you devise a strategy to implement those.


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« Reply #6 on: June 19, 2014, 07:34:02 PM »

As you have found, boundary enforcement works to protect you. He may or may not go off on the waitress, but you don't have to listen to it, and that is your goal. (The waitress gets to make her own choices how to deal with it.)

So i have attempted to have a boundary in which he dosent let me leave a room i will call the police. But now he will let me leave the room but will follow me... . if i go to leave the house he refuses to move from in front of the car.

Any time he blocks your ability to leave, the next step is to call the police.

I would note that getting into a car with somebody is a bad situation where you are a captive audience. Can you structure your life so that you don't do that? Always take two cars? Be ready to call a cab? Have a friend or two on notice that you may call them for a ride at odd times... . and ask him to let you out immediately. (And if not, call the police about it!)
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« Reply #7 on: June 19, 2014, 08:10:55 PM »

As you have found, boundary enforcement works to protect you. He may or may not go off on the waitress, but you don't have to listen to it, and that is your goal. (The waitress gets to make her own choices how to deal with it.)

So i have attempted to have a boundary in which he dosent let me leave a room i will call the police. But now he will let me leave the room but will follow me... . if i go to leave the house he refuses to move from in front of the car.

Any time he blocks your ability to leave, the next step is to call the police.

I would note that getting into a car with somebody is a bad situation where you are a captive audience. Can you structure your life so that you don't do that? Always take two cars? Be ready to call a cab? Have a friend or two on notice that you may call them for a ride at odd times... . and ask him to let you out immediately. (And if not, call the police about it!)

Hey... . I'm going to "pile on" what Grey Kitty has said here... with a bit of nuance and explanation.

It's one thing to mess around figuring out if you should endure verbal abuse... . or figuring out if what is being said is verbal abuse... etc etc.

When it comes to your physical safety... don't hesitate to act.  Never apologize.

Take a deep breath and state the facts to 911 don't add any emotional component.  Don't hedge on saying that your safety is at question.

I have the 911 recordings of my uBPDw when she has called on various issues.  Completely ridiculous... . and obvious that she is an emotional wreck "venting" on the phone.

When I called... years ago... . I just stated the facts... . that my wife was throwing things in the kitchen... was getting worse and I was afraid to leave the house because there were children in the house and my wife was out of control.  Note:  I made NO attempt to control my wife physically.  (This was pre BPD knowledge)... . but I knew even then... . that would be bad.  I would have had to physically push past my wife to get to where my kids were... . not a good plan either... . so I had police come and calm things down.

She of course said it was all part of a plot to "set her up" to take her kids... . somehow I knew just to ignore it... . it was so utterly ridiculous.

Anyway... . please think through any situations where your physical safety has been put at risk... and post those here... . so we can help you work through them.

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« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2014, 05:29:41 AM »

Thankfully there hasn't been a incident in which i felt i had to leave in about two years now. I mostly reconize the yelling and screaming as his frustration, and i really only have two buttons he knows he can push as I've learned to control my face, and my words. That is unless he calls me a bi... . ,or stupid. I'm working on not reacting to those as well.  My main issues right now are just the never ending cycle of... . throws a grenade... . then clings while pulling the pin out of the next one. Can't breathe without me but hates my guts.

I've tried every tactic to support him a nd let him know I'm not going to abandon him. But he has this inner voice that tells him diff. Its worse because the ex wife DID cheat then LEFT him.

Boundaries for me would be simple things.

If asked a question, answer and when that answer is attacked , i stop talking.

If plans are made in a timely manner with loads of prep time and last min meltdown or manipulation ... . i do as i said and go anyway.

Just things like that.

But see those are simple basic small boundaries to ME.

To him its the roping of the moon.

He recently freaked because i flat out made the descion to get my nose peirced. He had all these reasons i shouldnt and for awhile i let him have his way. But i was with a friend and she said you're a grown woman and deserve to do something for you.

I'm sure everyone here can guess the meltdown that ensued when i sent him a text telling him i did it and sorry if it upset him, he literally equated it to me having an affair. Most of tgis is my fault for not making proper independant thinking steps in the start of his REAL self showing. SEE AT FIRST i was golden and wonderful and every descion was praised. Once he started objecting and controlling i gave him his way to buy peace. Now i see what i did was hand him a ever more way to dance with me. It sounds silly but everytime he makes a bad comment about my nose ring internally i feel better because i finally made a choice regardless of how he acted. Hes rather shocked that I'm not letting his comments guilt me into taking it out. I simply say... . I'm sorry you don't like my nose peircing. I don't explain justify argue or apologize for getting it. He is likely wondering why I've picked that one line in the sand... . but i did.

I'm just rambling at this point so... . I'll shut up
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« Reply #9 on: June 20, 2014, 06:03:26 AM »

Thankfully there hasn't been a incident in which i felt i had to leave in about two years now.

Good... . I somehow got the timeline off in my head... .

I'm just rambling at this point so... . I'll shut up

I wouldn't worry about the rambling.  There have been times when others responded to comments that were not the main focus of my post... and those comments became a much more important part of my "learning"... . that what I started out seeking in that post.

Keep rambling!

It sounds like you have a couple concrete things that you know are triggering... . and you are currently not able to respond properly.  And... . for the record... I realize it is ridiculous that you have to learn how to "respond properly"... . why not just NOT call you a b$tc& or stupid... . dunno... . makes sense to me... . but I suppose that is the "non" in me talking.

Anyway... can you post some thoughts on how you are going to learn not to react to those comments... . ?

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« Reply #10 on: June 20, 2014, 08:14:35 AM »

Thankfully there hasn't been a incident in which i felt i had to leave in about two years now.

Good... . I somehow got the timeline off in my head... .

I'm just rambling at this point so... . I'll shut up

I wouldn't worry about the rambling.  There have been times when others responded to comments that were not the main focus of my post... and those comments became a much more important part of my "learning"... . that what I started out seeking in that post.

Keep rambling!

It sounds like you have a couple concrete things that you know are triggering... . and you are currently not able to respond properly.  And... . for the record... I realize it is ridiculous that you have to learn how to "respond properly"... . why not just NOT call you a b$tc& or stupid... . dunno... . makes sense to me... . but I suppose that is the "non" in me talking.

Anyway... can you post some thoughts on how you are going to learn not to react to those comments... . ?

Actually i wasnt clear in my post as to time line so that was my mistake not yours.

I've managed the last 3 or 4 times to not snap my head nearly off or let my face get red when he pushed that stupid or B button. But unfortunately one of the gifts i was blessed and or cursed with is an extremly easy to read face n eyes. If I'm thinking or  feeling it one look at me and wham bingo you got me.

So even though i clamped my mouth shut kept my head straight, i still was readable face wise.

And yes the non iss screaming damn you i have 2 absolute words in the universe thay bother me and you not only pick them you dance on them.

But i realise he does it to hurt anger assault(whatever the mission feeling is at the moment)

It dosent offend me when your suggesting i change something. After all at some point someone had to try something different .

There is a part of me that resents always having to be the one to work change a just and so on.

But when living with a person with BPD it goes with the territory. As my grandmother used to say... . you play with fire,eventually you will get burnt.

Logically i realise he will never be able to do the work because he will never acknowledge he has a problem. So if i want any sanity i will have to carve out myself.

Steps to not let his calling me stupid or a b... . bother me.

I'm not sure. I've yet to be able to control my.face eyes on those.

I've tried rationalizing with myself that it's just a word... . but the truth is that it really really hurts because i have a past and step parent abuse associated with it and he knows how deep that scar runs.

I'm open to suggestions ... .

Also would like advice on how to cure myself of that when will the other shoe drop feeling when he IS in a decent halfway ok mood and im not able to let my guard down.

I hate not being able to just enjoy the rare GOOD day... . because I'm already preparing for the bad.

Thanks for enduring my thought vomit. Sad that i feel more understood by a stranger on the other side of a computer screen than i do most people in my life at the moment.

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« Reply #11 on: June 20, 2014, 08:20:40 AM »

And  by good day i mean a day that wasnt bad.

Sad that only people like us would even understand that disclaimer
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« Reply #12 on: June 20, 2014, 11:46:33 AM »

And  by good day i mean a day that wasnt bad.

Sad that only people like us would even understand that disclaimer

I totally get that... .

Hang in there... I will do some thinking and get back to you
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« Reply #13 on: June 20, 2014, 06:24:16 PM »

Thankyou formflier. I realise i present a bit of a challenge ,lol
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« Reply #14 on: June 20, 2014, 07:53:26 PM »

Thankyou formflier. I realise i present a bit of a challenge ,lol

Just a thought... please wait for more senior guys to toss in some ideas... . but... . if we accept that for those two words that you are not going to be able to change your reaction... .

Then maybe you can find time to approach him when he is normal... and try to discuss this.  That becomes more of a rule... . but maybe on one or two things it may help.

If you then announce a limit... that you will walk away... . regardless of how you eyes and/or face looks... . that may help too.

And... for you... maybe try to find some other things that you can focus on... and try to have success there.  Can you think of other ares you want to get some victory in?

Please do some thinking on this and let others chime in before trying to act on this.

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« Reply #15 on: June 21, 2014, 02:04:24 AM »

I am far from a senior member... . but I am going to chime in anyway:)

To me calling u a b**** or stupid is verbal abuse.  And I am so sorry you are going thru this right now.

It seems you have had sucess with implementing boundaries about raging in public.  Great job,  sounds like that was a hard won battle!

Have you considered simply walking away when he begins verbally abusing you?  If he follows you and prevents you from leaving like grey kitty said call the police.

Boundaries are to protect you.  From my experience my gf can read me straight face or not.  In a heartbeat.  It's really frusturating sometimes. 

But why should you tolerate being raged at in your home any more than tolerating him raging in public?   He will likely be really angry of course, but he will not have the audience or the scapegoat to rage at any more.

Amu

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« Reply #16 on: June 21, 2014, 04:36:02 AM »

 

Before trying to implement something in the home... . where you are pretty sure there will be a big reaction.

Please spend some time thinking about how to get "objective evidence" of what actually happened.

For me... . I found an android app that is a very handy recorder.  I still haven't figured out video... .

Why is this important?  We are talking about calling 911 and having brushes with the law.

Always good to be able to get away from he said... . she said.

Some places arrest everyone and let the courts settle it. 

Most places seem to be biased against the guy... . so you do have that in your favor.

When dealing with mental illness... . it doesn't make sense to many people.  My uBPDw is actually an awesome person to get to know out in public.  So... . convincing people that there is some sort of disorder... . is a bit of a chore.  Most are getting it now.

Anyway... food for thought.  The basic point is before implementing a boundary that you know will be controversial... please think it through.
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« Reply #17 on: June 21, 2014, 01:48:05 PM »

Time bomb... . I read you posts and totally understand... . the things I have been doing lately is basically tuned out after saying my boundary... . I refuse to fight... I refuse to let anything that comes out of her mouth upset me any longer... . if she has a problem with the boundary I have set its her problem... is this the right thing to do?... I don't know but has reduced the raging at me... its almost like put her in a state of shock that she isn't getting a response from me... Yes I think we are truly the only ones who realize about a good day being one that's not bad... . as far as waiting for the other shoe to drop on those days... I am clueless... . seems I am always on guard waiting for that next storm to hit and thinking what I can do or say to minimize the damage... . Good Luck to you and God Bless
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« Reply #18 on: June 21, 2014, 02:03:11 PM »

Time bomb... . I read you posts and totally understand... . the things I have been doing lately is basically tuned out after saying my boundary... . I refuse to fight... I refuse to let anything that comes out of her mouth upset me any longer... . if she has a problem with the boundary I have set its her problem... is this the right thing to do?... I don't know but has reduced the raging at me... its almost like put her in a state of shock that she isn't getting a response from me... Yes I think we are truly the only ones who realize about a good day being one that's not bad... . as far as waiting for the other shoe to drop on those days... I am clueless... . seems I am always on guard waiting for that next storm to hit and thinking what I can do or say to minimize the damage... . Good Luck to you and God Bless

Yes... this is the right thing!

The next step would be to try to heap on a bunch of validation of her feelings.  Have you read about that yet?
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« Reply #19 on: June 21, 2014, 02:37:42 PM »

Formflier... yep I have read some on it but must admit when I try she always will try to trap me in a argument with it... I'm controlling by saying I understand how she feels and I am trying to make her feel a certain way when I tell her that I can just imagine how this must make you feel... or comes back at me about our past T who diagnosed her with BPD and I am trying to continue what she ran away from with the T... . so I am trying... . Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... .
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« Reply #20 on: June 21, 2014, 04:52:55 PM »

Formflier... yep I have read some on it but must admit when I try she always will try to trap me in a argument with it... I'm controlling by saying I understand how she feels and I am trying to make her feel a certain way when I tell her that I can just imagine how this must make you feel... or comes back at me about our past T who diagnosed her with BPD and I am trying to continue what she ran away from with the T... . so I am trying... . Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... .

Yep... . I totally get what you are saying. 

My natural communication style is tse... . truth (facts) first... . and then you talk about how you feel.

I feel like a big goof... . like a faker... . when trying to SET. 

I also think she can see through me... . as I'm struggling with it.

Another tactic is to just ask about her feelings... . don't suggest one... . so... . do not ask if she is angry. 

What are you feeling right now? 

When they announce... . do reflective listening... . so you feel angry?  I can understand why...

Or something like that

When Hope is Not Enough by Dobbs is good about giving concrete examples of how to validate.  There is even some kind of scale of validation... . once you hit some sort of bad reaction to validation... . you move back down to the lower scale... and try to move up again.

I've read it once... . need to read it again and try to apply it more.

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timebombtango

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« Reply #21 on: June 21, 2014, 06:00:38 PM »

I am currently unable to respond to the last few post on here but please know I've read them and appreciate them very much I just don't have the privacy to properly respond but as soon as I do I willthank you again
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Wanda
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« Reply #22 on: June 22, 2014, 02:35:13 PM »

 Welcome Welcome Welcome Welcome Welcome
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Grey Kitty
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #23 on: June 22, 2014, 11:01:08 PM »

If you are triggered by being called stupid or a b****, enforce a boundary on that.

When you are called that, leave, until you have calmed down. You cannot stop someone from saying it, but you can end the conversation immediately.

I'd recommend it until you find a way not to be triggered by it. Because if you continue interacting when you are that upset, you will make things worse.

You may find that knowing you can step out helps you cope.
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Fanie
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« Reply #24 on: June 23, 2014, 08:31:32 AM »

I understand your feelings that its rather sad that our virtual friends

are more "friends" that our loved ones ... .

Iv been in this relationship 10 years with 2 toddies in the past years

been telling her for 10 years that she is a "hard" woman only to discover

a few months ago that its this mosquito called BPD ... .

I am reading daily about this mozzy, and will advise you to do the same

At least we then become educated about this terrible and serious disease

Goodness - don't we wish that a few tablets could solve it like a headache ... .

May God Bless you in your efforts
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formflier
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« Reply #25 on: June 23, 2014, 08:50:37 AM »

I understand your feelings that its rather sad that our virtual friends

are more "friends" that our loved ones ... .

Iv been in this relationship 10 years with 2 toddies in the past years

been telling her for 10 years that she is a "hard" woman only to discover

a few months ago that its this mosquito called BPD ... .

I am reading daily about this mozzy, and will advise you to do the same

At least we then become educated about this terrible and serious disease

Goodness - don't we wish that a few tablets could solve it like a headache ... .

May God Bless you in your efforts

Yeah... . the "lightbulb moment"... . when I figured out the "BPD thing"... was huge.

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timebombtango

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« Reply #26 on: June 30, 2014, 05:43:06 AM »

Sorry for this long Abscence. LOONNNGGGGG sorry but to sum it up the BPD train has been full steam ahead... . ugh.

Im working on.walking away.when.the b word and.i.word.comes out. Its helping me alot,

Pressed for time.but wanted.to say hello.and.i have not forgotten you
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formflier
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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



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« Reply #27 on: June 30, 2014, 06:59:07 AM »

Sorry for this long Abscence. LOONNNGGGGG sorry but to sum it up the BPD train has been full steam ahead... . ugh.

Im working on.walking away.when.the b word and.i.word.comes out. Its helping me alot,

Pressed for time.but wanted.to say hello.and.i have not forgotten you

It's all about baby steps... . keep moving forward.  Don't be shocked that a day or two come along where there are steps in wrong direction.  Then get going in the right direction again.

It will pay of for you!

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