Now what? Won't tell me if he's coming or not

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

exH has been asking me to take him back, and in general feeling sad the last month.  At the beginning of this week, he told his family that I was denying him the right to see the kids this upcoming Father's day weekend.  I said no such thing, and I told them so.  I said it's certainly fine for him to take the kids this weekend.

Anyway, I have emailed and texted him to ask what time he wants to pick the kids up for the weekend tomorrow.  No response. 

Do I just sit there tomorrow waiting to see if he shows up?  He is supposed to come at noon as per the plan, but he usually comes later and gives me notice in advance.  So this is unusual.  In our agreement, he's supposed to give me at least 24 hrs notice if he's coming later.  I haven't heard a thing.

I am probably going to tell our parent coordinator about this.  I don't want to be sitting there all morning waiting to find out if he's coming or not.

Thing that makes me nervous is, maybe he feels emotionally unable to take them this weekend and is trying to save face by pretending I'm withholding them.  If he doesn't want them, I don't want to pressure him to take them.  He is a bit unstable when stressed (Won't go into the history, but I do worry.)

Usually, I let these things go and just suffer in silence.  But I don't want to keep playing games.  I wish I knew if he was taking them or not.  And if he's really up for it.

Right now, I'm in limbo.

[momtara]

exH has been asking me to take him back, and in general feeling sad the last month.  At the beginning of this week, he told his family that I was denying him the right to see the kids this upcoming Father's day weekend.  I said no such thing, and I told them so.  I said it's certainly fine for him to take the kids this weekend.

Anyway, I have emailed and texted him to ask what time he wants to pick the kids up for the weekend tomorrow.  No response. 

Do I just sit there tomorrow waiting to see if he shows up?  He is supposed to come at noon as per the plan, but he usually comes later and gives me notice in advance.  So this is unusual.  In our agreement, he's supposed to give me at least 24 hrs notice if he's coming later.  I haven't heard a thing.

I am probably going to tell our parent coordinator about this.  I don't want to be sitting there all morning waiting to find out if he's coming or not.

Thing that makes me nervous is, maybe he feels emotionally unable to take them this weekend and is trying to save face by pretending I'm withholding them.  If he doesn't want them, I don't want to pressure him to take them.  He is a bit unstable when stressed (Won't go into the history, but I do worry.)

Usually, I let these things go and just suffer in silence.  But I don't want to keep playing games.  I wish I knew if he was taking them or not.  And if he's really up for it.

Right now, I'm in limbo.

[Turkish]

In our agreement, he's supposed to give me at least 24 hrs notice if he's coming later.

Stick to the plan. Telling the PC is a good idea just the same, to document it. He's acting emotionally immature by making the holiday more about him than the kids

Usually, I let these things go and just suffer in silence.  But I don't want to keep playing games.

Here it's about boundaries and respect. He's walking over your boundaries, and only one person can stop that from happening. You start from a place of being respectful. He is not. You've ended up somewhere else now, deep inside his disordered territory.

Do the kids know yet? How do you think they will handle it if he shows up late in the day tomorrow?

[woodsposse]

 

Thankfully my kids are grown.  But... . back in the day when me and their bio-mom got separated/divorced, she played a lot of games with the kids and me (mostly to hurt/disrespect me as much as possible).  I never thought to get a parent coordinator or anything. I did put up with the crap as long as I could and suffered.  Sometimes in silence  -  most times in just furious anger.

I finally said enough was enough, took her to court and got custody of the kids and they have been here ever since.

Prior to that, this one time we had amicable arranged that I would come visit the children for the weekend (we lived in different states by then) - and when I got to town, picked up a rental car and got a nice hotel for us to stay in - she decided to pack up the kids and take them out of town for the weekend and not tell me and refused to answer her phone.  So there I sat in a hotel room and rental car and plans to spend the weekend with my kids and had no clue on gods green earth where they were.

Yeah... . I was a little upset.

That was the weekend I paid my attorney to file the papers and just be done with her.  From the moment I drove my kids across the border to my home state - I could care less what she did to me, said about me, games she played... . I had my kids safe and tried to just keep her crazyness away as best I could.  Even that was a difficult road - so I know it isn't easy.

Just know you are not alone.

[momtara]

"I finally said enough was enough, took her to court and got custody of the kids and they have been here ever since."

I like that story.  But I wish it was that easy!  What state do you live in?  Seems most dads struggle to even get half the time.

Anyway... . he finally responded to my text and said "You know the answer to that because it's Father's Day.  Stop texting me."  Couldn't just answer the question.

So I said I needed to know because usually he shows up at X time rather than Y time.

Finally he answered my question but THEN he claimed he sent me an email yesterday (which he did not) and then said he wants me to email him to let him know about some bumps and scrapes the kids got in school last week.  So I'll send this email and still be stuck in his loop.  I always send emails and texts about medical things because I worry that he could have the kids and not tell me about an injury that's more severe.  I'd rather err on the side of communicating rather than not, because I want him to do the same... . and not have any excuse not to do so.

Incidentally, the kids are very young so don't truly understand at this point, although I'm sure they feel his absence.

Just hope he really shows up tomorrow and doesn't play another game.

Not sure now whether to tell PC about all this.  Guess it can't hurt.  We do have an appointment w/her on Mon.

[woodsposse]

"I finally said enough was enough, took her to court and got custody of the kids and they have been here ever since."

I like that story.  But I wish it was that easy!  What state do you live in?  Seems most dads struggle to even get half the time.

The "funny"/sad part about all of this - the divorce and custody had to be taken care of in the state she lived (which at the time was Texas).  But prior to initiating the case, I read the entire Texas Family code and knew it backwards and forwards.  I walked in to court knowing my rights... . and there wasn't a damn thing any lawyer could do to stop me.

In fact, when it came to the final document laying out the terms... . I wrote it.  My attorney didn't.  I mean, I literally wrote it from start to finish.  And the courts accepted it as being dead on accurate.  The bio-mom's lawyers tried to slice and dice it - but the judge wouldn't let them.  I still don't think they understand that I wrote it.  Nice bit of validation if I don't mind saying myself!

But my story is a bit unique.  But the sentiment is the same.

You have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your children as best you can.  Have your support - and make sure you DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT!  Oh yeah... . and don't forget to document!

[eilmurf]

Momtara, what you mentioned about (Thing that makes me nervous is, maybe he feels emotionally unable to take them this weekend and is trying to save face by pretending I'm withholding them.  If he doesn't want them, I don't want to pressure him to take them.  He is a bit unstable when stressed (Won't go into the history, but I do worry), I think I  get that. In the past with his other two kids if he was pushed into something that he wasn't ready to handle (emotionally) his stress level would go up and he became even more disregulated and acted even more strange or bizarre in his behavior. It is like dealing with a big child and they do have to have it on their times, control brings safety or comfort of some sort I guess. I too am reluctant to push him far when I feel he is not in a good place or ready to deal with it as I am concerned about what might happen... . dunno... really dunno what he is capable of as even though we've been in this twilight zone marriage for 7 years I really don't know who the heck he is (hides an awful lot, lies, deception and their ability to mirror you back to you so you feel you have met someone just like you etc). Different if it was just me involved but when you have kids with in the picture its a whole other level to go to... .

[momtara]

thanks, eilmurf. always glad when someone understands!

[Cmjo]

Hi Momtara, hope he does turn up at the right time, but I know this behaviour too from my ex. He also turns up when he feels like it. Or disappears for days on end. My job is to keep my house a stable peaceful environment for the kids, they know I will always be there. I have never disappeared. Never not answered calls or messages. Lucky your kids are small too. Dont even let them pick up on the fact Daddy is always late, in a way his tactic would work, ie hurting you by hurting and confusing them. Its sick isnt it.