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Author Topic: Fathers Day Update  (Read 401 times)
refusetosuccumb
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« on: June 15, 2014, 09:01:51 PM »

 

I posted earlier this week wondering what the heck to do about Fathers Day.

Ex and the kids had a good Father's Day.  We picked him up, went out for supper (in public, less chance of any ranting by him being done), dropped him off within 2 hours, no fights or anything.  I was quite a feat but the kids were excited to spend some time for Father's Day with him.

This week leading up to Father's Day has sucked with him.  He had the kids for supper on Tues (son) and Wed (daugher).  Wed at pickup didn't go so well, he was 20 minutes late getting home with her (I drive them there and pick them up.  Ex doesn't drive and I don't want him here, it's easier to control my time with him when it's on his turf... . I can just leave). They took the dog for a walk and lost track of time... . but it was 9:20pm on a school night.  So I was irritated and he sensed that so he automatically started accusing me of not wanting him to have fun with his daughter.  I dropped it, since she had a good time and just reiterated to him that she only has 2 more weeks of school and she needs her sleep.  The she and I left.

Then the texting started from him.  How he wanted me back, his undying love, saying he would do anything to fix this.  Then he'd text that the reason he did drugs, and eventually other women, was all due to me not loving him enough.  I don't even know what that really means.  From what I could gather, if I would have just loved him 100% after he went through his selfmedicating with drugs phase, none of this would have happened.  That he went from drugs to drinking because I wasn't "there" for him.  And that finally, he pursued other women because I didn't give him enough attention.  You guys all know what I've gone through with him the past few years, I wasn't even going to defend myself to him.  Just a "no, please move on" is all he got from me.

Then he started asking, again, if we'd hang out as a family for Father's Day.  All day.  I said no way, I cannot tolerate that my mind would explode.  I have to be so controlled around him it's exhausting for short periods of time.  This set him off again, blaming me for changing our family.  I said he could have the kids most of the day but that I'd do supper together (that the kids asked me to do) and that was it.

A few hours later, I get a text from him apologizing for his behaviour and that he understands this is forever.  He agreed that we shouldn't spend the day and that supper sounded good.  I was so emotionally exhausted by then that I could only shake my head and feel relieved he finally saw the light.

Throughout the texting barrage, I was texting my own sister.  She went through something similar with her ex a few years back so she's a great sounding board for me.  She kept me sane.

Ex seesaws between loving me and hating me.  I know it's his disorder.  I educated myself on his disorder but it's still really hard to separate ex as the guy I loved and ex as he Is.

All in all, glad I made the decision to have supper in public with him and the kids.  Kids had fun, he had fun, I survived.

Thanks to all those that offered suggestions.  I took each one into consideration and I appreciate the time you spent writing to me.
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Matt
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« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2014, 10:17:54 AM »

I think the medium (texting) is working against you, because it's so immediate.  You're allowing him into your space, into your mind.

Quit taking texts from him - let them go to trash (or however your phone works) and don't respond to any of them.

Use e-mail instead.  It's less immediate and easier to keep a record.  Respond only to stuff about the kids and the schedule.  Don't check it often - maybe once a day - and if there is something that deserves a response, respond to it.  Otherwise just archive it - no response but don't delete it either.

You're remaining very engaged with him by using texts.  You (both) need more distance.
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Boss302
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« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2014, 10:21:25 AM »

I posted earlier this week wondering what the heck to do about Fathers Day.

Ex and the kids had a good Father's Day.  We picked him up, went out for supper (in public, less chance of any ranting by him being done), dropped him off within 2 hours, no fights or anything.  I was quite a feat but the kids were excited to spend some time for Father's Day with him.

This week leading up to Father's Day has sucked with him.  He had the kids for supper on Tues (son) and Wed (daugher).  Wed at pickup didn't go so well, he was 20 minutes late getting home with her (I drive them there and pick them up.  Ex doesn't drive and I don't want him here, it's easier to control my time with him when it's on his turf... . I can just leave). They took the dog for a walk and lost track of time... . but it was 9:20pm on a school night.  So I was irritated and he sensed that so he automatically started accusing me of not wanting him to have fun with his daughter.  I dropped it, since she had a good time and just reiterated to him that she only has 2 more weeks of school and she needs her sleep.  The she and I left.

Then the texting started from him.  How he wanted me back, his undying love, saying he would do anything to fix this.  Then he'd text that the reason he did drugs, and eventually other women, was all due to me not loving him enough.  I don't even know what that really means.  From what I could gather, if I would have just loved him 100% after he went through his selfmedicating with drugs phase, none of this would have happened.  That he went from drugs to drinking because I wasn't "there" for him.  And that finally, he pursued other women because I didn't give him enough attention.  You guys all know what I've gone through with him the past few years, I wasn't even going to defend myself to him.  Just a "no, please move on" is all he got from me.

Then he started asking, again, if we'd hang out as a family for Father's Day.  All day.  I said no way, I cannot tolerate that my mind would explode.  I have to be so controlled around him it's exhausting for short periods of time.  This set him off again, blaming me for changing our family.  I said he could have the kids most of the day but that I'd do supper together (that the kids asked me to do) and that was it.

A few hours later, I get a text from him apologizing for his behaviour and that he understands this is forever.  He agreed that we shouldn't spend the day and that supper sounded good.  I was so emotionally exhausted by then that I could only shake my head and feel relieved he finally saw the light.

Throughout the texting barrage, I was texting my own sister.  She went through something similar with her ex a few years back so she's a great sounding board for me.  She kept me sane.

Ex seesaws between loving me and hating me.  I know it's his disorder.  I educated myself on his disorder but it's still really hard to separate ex as the guy I loved and ex as he Is.

All in all, glad I made the decision to have supper in public with him and the kids.  Kids had fun, he had fun, I survived.

Thanks to all those that offered suggestions.  I took each one into consideration and I appreciate the time you spent writing to me.

I guess my question here is why you agreed to have dinner with him and the kids. That just seems like a way to let him right back in to your life. Why couldn't he have just hung out with the kids himself? Just curious... .
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refusetosuccumb
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« Reply #3 on: June 18, 2014, 05:48:26 PM »

I've taken the past few days to think about your very poignant questions.  Thank you for leading me on that path Smiling (click to insert in post)

Let me back up for a second before I answer.  I've had the fortune of receiving a 2 day mental health disorders workshop yesterday and today.  It was onsite at the local mental health crisis center, where I've received ongoing therapy from a therapist that actually understands BPD and is familiar with it on a personal level (it was truly dumb luck that I got her).  I ran into her on our lunch break and she gave me an impromptu therapy session right then and there.  The course I took was for work but very applicable to a lot of us in our personal lives.  We had an opportunity to share our own personal stories when certain topics came up.  I wasn't alone in the room, another woman also had a r/s with a borderline. 

The class itself has triggered me immensely, but it was in more of a group therapy setting, so I also received validation and suggestions on how to better deal with my specific situation.  I thought I was further ahead in my healing, but that's a joke considering it's only been 7.5 weeks of freedom.  Sometimes I still wake up and first thing in the morning I have to remember that this is my new life.  It's all mine.  It's beautiful, simple, and (mostly) peaceful.

Here's what I've discovered about myself the past week (and will answer your question, Boss302):

I feel guilty, still, about leaving.  It's 100% the best decision I could have made for myself and the kids so I'm not contemplating going back.  We've only been gone 7.5 weeks.  I was with him for 16yrs.  We always made the special days of the year a family occasion for the kids. When he asked if we could spend time on Father's Day, a big part of me isn't ready to completely cut off everything since I do have to have contact with him due to the kids.  So I gambled that it would be a good occasion for the kids.  I've made it very, very clear to them as well that we will not be getting back together again.  I'm trying to establish a "new normal" for a situation I still can't believe I'm in some days.   My ex isn't a terrible father and the kids love him.  This was really the first occasion since we separated and I'm still trying to find my sea legs.

With re to text it was just the way it's always been.  I do agree, though, that it's too immediate.  But when he has the kids they need to be able to get ahold of me so I've kept the texting and forward the concerning ones to an email account I set up.  Still figuring this out too, what's best for me vs the kids.  I don't respond immediately though.  He'll call and if I don't answer he texts me.  I haven't answered his calls since Sunday, but will respond via text at my leisure.  That's my babystep, from talking on the phone to only written communication. So far this week it's all been about the kids so he's behaving and he's accepting that I'm not acccepting his calls. 

I thought I was further out of the FOG than I thought.  I know this now.  But it's a journey right?  If I could go NC I totally would, but I can't with the kids (they are 10 and 7) so I do as LC as I can.  As the years go on I'm sure I"ll have less and less contact.  For now, for me, it's all about managing the kids safety and happiness and whatever I can do to lessen my own stress and enjoy my new life.  It's harder and easier than I thought, all at the same time.

Hope this made sense. 
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mywifecrazy
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« Reply #4 on: June 18, 2014, 07:11:43 PM »

My uBPDxw only sees kids every other weekend. I made to clear to her that I will only communicate with her via e-mail (if I'm not mistaken I think Matt suggested it to me months ago). This has saved me a couple of times as I caught her in lies and was able to refer back to her emails.

She would still try to call my cell or text me but I block her cell phone so she can't call or text me.  When she has the kids I un-block her (in case of emergency). I go back to blocking her When I have the kids (93% of the time) as I don't need to hear from her.

Hang in there!
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
Matt
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« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2014, 07:31:27 PM »

With kids 10, and 7, there is another option:  get the kids phones.

Mine were 8 and 10 when we separated, unexpectedly, a week before Christmas.  I went to the phone place and found phones for kids - only a few numbers could be programmed in, so they could only call other family members.  They were thrilled to have phones.  A year or two later I got them regular phones but told them only to take calls from people they knew.  It has worked out pretty well.  Now they're 16 and 17.

My thinking when they were younger was that I wanted them to be able to call me any time, and I wanted to be able to make sure they were OK.  Some phones have a GPS feature, so I can tell where the phone is;  if for some reason the child doesn't answer I could find them by the GPS - a safety feature.

This helped me to communicate directly with the kids, which in turn means I communicate less and less with their mom.  That's what I wanted to achieve - better and more frequent communication with the kids, and less frequent and less intimate communication with their mom.
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refusetosuccumb
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« Reply #6 on: June 18, 2014, 07:48:51 PM »

I never thought of getting them a phone thats a great idea, thanks!

I do like the documentation of written communication and then the ex can still yalk to the kids when he wants to.

Thank you!
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Matt
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« Reply #7 on: June 18, 2014, 07:54:35 PM »

I think all the phone companies have family plans so the cost isn't too high.  Some phones are pretty cheap if you sign up for a two-year plan.  The biggest problem I've had with it has been when each get first gets a "data" phone, like an iPhone, they use a lot of data downloading music and stuff, and I have to put a stop to that.  Takes some monitoring to keep the cost low.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #8 on: June 18, 2014, 09:10:36 PM »

My ex isn't a terrible father and the kids love him. 

You might feel different about this after you've had more time to heal. A father who does cocaine and is a sex addict, who drinks heavily and says it's your fault he does these things -- this is a very complex, emotionally unhealthy, and manipulative person. Your kids have a complicated father, and they are developing important definitions about love based on his behavior and yours. They might not physically live with him anymore, but if your actions are driven by guilt and obligation, they will learn that love and guilt and obligation go together. They'll learn this from their primary relationship with their dad, and then they'll work from this script when they begin to pick partners later on. You might even be seeing it in the friendships they're developing now.

I'm not saying it's easy to walk this fine line -- I can't think of anything harder than co-parenting with a disordered BPDex. It literally shattered me. But the best thing you can do for your kids is to take care of yourself. Be selfish for a year. I had to screw up the courage to do that. Focus on you. Develop clear, strong boundaries and assert yourself. When you feel guilty about something, be bold and do exactly what makes you feel guilty -- even if it makes your voice shake and your knees tremble and you burst into tears. 

My son was 9 when I left, and it took me over two years to understand that the goal was not necessarily to support my son's relationship with his dad. The goal was to raise an emotionally healthy child. Unfortunately, divorce and a mentally ill father with substance abuse and anger issues make it hard to support both goals at the same time.

It's so hard for codependent people to do this, but focus on yourself right now. Don't worry about the relationship between your kids and their dad. They got a crappy deal, and it blows, but they're going to be ok if they have a healthy mom who knows how to take care of herself. You can't help them navigate the complex father they've inherited unless you are healthy. Even if their relationship is tenuous for the next year or so, that's ok. Better for them to regroup and fully engage after a year sizing up the situation and getting healthy than muddling through unclear boundaries and mixed messages trying to find their way.

I saw growth and healing in my son I didn't know was possible these past few months, and it coincided with some of my own breakthroughs around being codependent. Kids are so much more astute than we give them credit for. I know I'm a good mom, but I realize now how being codependent really blinded me as a parent. When I finally got it -- why taking care of myself makes my son emotionally healthy -- it felt like we threw away generations of dysfunctional scripts.

You're a social worker, so you probably know all this. But all my social worker friends are codependent  Smiling (click to insert in post)  They put everyone first until they're empty buckets and emotionally depleted. They only thing that convinced me it was ok to focus on me was when my therapist said I was messing up my kid. She guilted me into taking care of myself  Being cool (click to insert in post)

Take baby steps and get your sea legs, but keep your eye on the end goal. It's easy to get lost in the weeds at the beginning and forget why we're doing this.

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Breathe.
Boss302
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« Reply #9 on: June 18, 2014, 09:31:17 PM »

Here's what I've discovered about myself the past week (and will answer your question, Boss302):

I feel guilty, still, about leaving.  It's 100% the best decision I could have made for myself and the kids so I'm not contemplating going back.  We've only been gone 7.5 weeks.  I was with him for 16yrs.  We always made the special days of the year a family occasion for the kids. When he asked if we could spend time on Father's Day, a big part of me isn't ready to completely cut off everything since I do have to have contact with him due to the kids.  So I gambled that it would be a good occasion for the kids.  I've made it very, very clear to them as well that we will not be getting back together again.  I'm trying to establish a "new normal" for a situation I still can't believe I'm in some days.   My ex isn't a terrible father and the kids love him.  This was really the first occasion since we separated and I'm still trying to find my sea legs.

With re to text it was just the way it's always been.  I do agree, though, that it's too immediate.  But when he has the kids they need to be able to get ahold of me so I've kept the texting and forward the concerning ones to an email account I set up.  Still figuring this out too, what's best for me vs the kids.  I don't respond immediately though.  He'll call and if I don't answer he texts me.  I haven't answered his calls since Sunday, but will respond via text at my leisure.  That's my babystep, from talking on the phone to only written communication. So far this week it's all been about the kids so he's behaving and he's accepting that I'm not acccepting his calls.  

I thought I was further out of the FOG than I thought.  I know this now.  But it's a journey right?  If I could go NC I totally would, but I can't with the kids (they are 10 and 7) so I do as LC as I can.  As the years go on I'm sure I"ll have less and less contact.  For now, for me, it's all about managing the kids safety and happiness and whatever I can do to lessen my own stress and enjoy my new life.  It's harder and easier than I thought, all at the same time.

Hope this made sense.  

Oh, it makes TOTAL sense. And thank God you figured this out. I felt guilty too, and I felt like a lousy father. And because I felt like a lousy father, uBPDx had the perfect button to push to "troll" me with. And she did... . mercilessly. Repeatedly. Obsessively. And then she used the kids to do it too. How about "(D17) isn't going to see you tonight because she doesn't want to be with you"? For a guy who prides himself on being a good dad, that's like a dagger to the heart.

Except... . it was all a manipulation. All she wanted was engagement, and she knew I couldn't pass up responding to something like that, which I did time and time again.

And the key to dealing with it for me was simple, but took almost two years to learn: to accept that I really am a good father, and a good person... . and BELIEVE that. After that, she couldn't really troll me anymore. She might as well have accused me of engineering JFK's assassination - that made no sense either.

Remember: you can't be accused of something you're NOT GUILTY of. The key is to stop feeling guilty.

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Boss302
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« Reply #10 on: June 18, 2014, 09:39:48 PM »

I never thought of getting them a phone thats a great idea, thanks!

I do like the documentation of written communication and then the ex can still yalk to the kids when he wants to.

Thank you!

You're going to have to walk a line here. My uBPDx got my kids (D13 and D17) fancy smartphones so that she could call them day and night and engage with them, since she couldn't work me anymore. If the kids don't take her call, she gets pissed at them, even if it's late at night or we're eating dinner. Everyone has to drop what they're doing and deal with Queen Waif.

Be mindful of this... .
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