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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: She wanted me to spend FD afternoon with her and her family  (Read 404 times)
Turkish
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« on: June 15, 2014, 09:57:58 PM »

We didn't write MD and FD into the stipulation schedule (which we've been following for months even though it's not signed and filed yet... . soon to be!), so these days follow the regular 3-2-2-3. I had the kids for MD. She had them today.

She wrote me the other day asking if I wanted to come over to her apartment on Sat. This the first time she'd done this. It was for an innocuous, but illegitimate reason. I declined, saying I had to go out of town (true, but not until the afternoon). She ended with the offer that I was still welcome to come hang out.

Today (Sunday) I was still 90 miles out of town. I appreciated that she called me so I could talk to the kids, as we had stopped the daily calls 1.5 months ago. I did the same for her on MD. She said "I told S4 to remind me to call Daddy" (odd, but ok). The conversation with a 4 year old and a barely 2 year old was short, but this was really just a gesture. At least S4 kind of understood the holiday. His mom then told me that her family was throwing a bbq for her dad (uBPD... . he's always been nice to me, but I totally believe all of the stories, given the underlying tension in that family), and that I was welcome to come over. She said her little brother was coming back from university this afternoon (a little FOG on her part, she knows he looks up to me as a big brother, and I am aware of this). I said thanks, no, and enjoy the bbq, I'll see the kids tomorrow afternoon when I pick them up. She then said that she didn't realize the schedule that she had the kids for FD and remembered that I had them for MD. Maybe we could work something out next year? I said, yes, we probably could. Here thought that was strange... . we've been on this schedule for months, since Feb. Maybe she is still experiencing an underlying dissociation with all of this? I know she is still celebrating how great her new bf (the homewrecker) is on FB, how he does all of these great things for her... . while telling me I am a great father. Weird. Passive-aggressive public devaluation or maybe it doesn't even register. I tell people to tell me nothing more unless they see something odd with the kids.

I started to feel a little guilty about not going over to her parents'. Their house is 3 miles from where I sit right now. For my part, I still don't feel emotionally safe around her, and the longer I can go without seeing her, keeping communication through email and the occasional text, the better. A good friend of mine was with me, and he put it simply, "you shouldn't have to do what you don't want to do."

Yes. Thanks. A good friend... .
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Matt
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Relationship status: Divorced.
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« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2014, 10:13:15 AM »

I think you handled it well.

A lot of this is about keeping things simple and not convincing ourselves that a certain day on the calendar is more special than it really is.  At 2 and 4, Father's Day is all in your mind, not the kids' minds - it only means to them what we tell them it means.  So if the adults cook up a drama, there will be a drama - it's not for the kids or about the kids.

(When they're older, it may be important to them, but you can handle that then.)

Keeping some distance, keeping things simple, and using e-mail will all help.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2014, 08:50:53 AM »

For as long as I can remember, Mothers Day has been on my weekend and Father's Day 5 weeks later has been on her weekend.  Ugh, that meant more exchanges for us.  I guess we started the weekends off wrong long ago.  I was tinking about asking us to swap weekends, then I looked at next year and I think the two holidays are 6 weeks apart in 2015 and so I'll get both?  So I'll hold off on any changes and see what happens next year.

As for visits to her family, I'd ignore the subtle pressuring and do what you feel is right.  If you feel it best to keep her events hers and your events yours, then do that.  Some events can be shared, such as school events and activities, they're on supposedly neutral and public territories.

A year ago my ex wanted me to join her small group for ice cream after our son's last day at school before moving on to middle school.  For me school was fine, socializing wasn't, too much conflict in our history.  So I declined.  I'm still comfortable with that.  (And the friend and child with her last year?  Son recently told me something happened and he hasn't seen her or her child for a long time - "two years".)
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Turkish
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Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2014, 11:57:02 AM »

She thought that she hid it, but she pretty much threw her r/s in my face (and devalued me on FB) for the 4 months it took me to get her out of the house with minimal conflict, balancing the needs of the kids.

I'm less and less angry, but I felt kind of PTSD for a while due to her behaviors. I know she didn't do it purposely to hurt me, but you know how it goes with a pwBPD. The line between conscious and unconscious... . dissociation, underdeveloped sense of empathy. I try to not take it as personally as I could if I hadn't come here to understand.

Yesterday in my last session with my T for a while, he offered that she probably misses me, more so since I have been doing my best to not see her in person, and I could probably go another month that way easily. Having her parents' house as the pick-up/drop-off point is convenient. I pushed for that, and redirected her there when she offered to come pick up the kids at our home once last month. She doesn't belong here any more.

I found a Father's Day card in the diaper bag this morning, with a few gift cards for food places which I will use to take the kids out. I'll give her credit for trying with the kids, being a better mother than she was during the year in which she slowly detached from us. She's also being nice, and I'll take that at face value, and not worry about possible motivations. Boundaries. It's all about the kids now, and that is where I will keep pushing to keep us centered.
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Fanie
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« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2014, 12:29:11 PM »

My 2 cents

Phil McGraw's book - Family First is an excellent book

also for divorced parents, in regards to the kiddos

In fact the whole book is about the children's upbringing
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