can't really ask this favor of BPD ex...

[momtara]

So exH was going to have his mom watch our child a few days next week because school ends for him and camp doesn't start until the following week.  Meanwhile, ex has been asking to come over during my weekends with the kids, maybe take them to the park.  I said no, I don't want to alter the parenting plan, want to be consistent.  As a result, he revoked the favor of having his mom watch them - saying, well, if you don't want to alter the plan, I don't either.

Is there any logic around this?  May not even be worth arguing.  I guess that's only fair, even though it's crappy.  Maybe asking him to do anything at all is just not worth the headaches.  Oh well.

[Matt]

Maybe when things are a little more stable, some of this will be easier.

Once in a while, my ex asks to do something with the kids on "my" time, and I almost always say OK, because it's about the kids, not me.  She might ask to take them to dinner, or a movie or whatever, and unless it causes me big problems, I agree to it, or at least let the kids decide (and they usually want to do it.)  I don't consider it a "change to the schedule", just Mom taking the kids to a movie.

Your ex's behavior in "punishing" you for not agreeing to his request is childish.  If it was best for the kids for his mom to watch them next week, before you said no to his request, it's still best for the kids for his mom to watch them.  He shouldn't tie things together like that.

Now, if you back down, he might learn that he can get what he wants by bullying you.

Do you talk directly with his mom, and could you ask her directly to watch the kids?

[momtara]

Nah, don't want to go around him to his mom.  That'd cause problems.  Mom protects him.

The problem is that he is mentally ill and I get nervous about him being with them more than he has to be.   Plus, if he's around them more often, he's around me, then asks me questions about us getting back together.   I would never refuse his requests to see the kids more if it was just about seeing them more. 

I can find sitters for next week.  It's just annoying.

[gherkins]

We have found that we are often "blessed" with off-plan days with the kiddo that coincide with days off school. As much as we would love the extra time with her, we had to flat-out tell the ex that we are not her unpaid sitters.

Another trick my husband's ex likes to pull is to schedule activities during our weekends. Then, she has the kiddo call to ask is she can go to the sleepover/birthday party/whatever. We are put in the unpleasant position of saying no, because the ex won't ever reciprocate by switching weekends.

The other classic is "forgetting" whose year holidays fall on, and then getting irrational when we have already made plans that include the kiddo, like having grandparent time.

The headaches will be numerous for you. My advice is to hold fast to your guns, even if it means having to scrounge for a sitter. Also, don't let him in your house unsupervised.