Told my partner I think she has BPD. What do I do now?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am in desperate need of some advice.

Last night for the first time I brought up the suggestion of BPD with my partner. I have been agonizing for months about how to bring it up or whether to bring it to her attention at all. But she refused to see a therapist so I am the only person who can say it. So I finally built up the courage to do so.

I wanted her to watch a documentary about it first so that she would understand a little about the condition before I talked to her about it but she was on to me instantly and refused to watch it. Now she thinks that I just think she is a complete nut job and am blaming her for all of our problems. I tried to explain to her as best I could the reasons why this could be what she is suffering with but I don't know if she even heard me at all. I think she just completely shut down, stuck in her own mind and her own twisted interpretations of the situation. She is incredibly hurt and I feel bloody awful. She isn't talking to me and she refuses to listen to me. I guess she feels like I have betrayed her by thinking this of her.

All I want is for her to have even the slightest chance to get better. She has been stuck in a mindset that everyone feels the way she does, that it's normal. That the only reasons for her reactions to the world are because other people keep doing things to hurt her or let her down. She thinks that if I would just stop all of the things that she perceives me as doing wrong that we would have no problems. So I guess she sees me saying I think she has BPD as another horrible thing that I am doing to her to drive her into the ground. I keep telling her I lover her and want to support her but she doesn't believe me.

Please help! What do I do now?

[Jacq189]

I am in desperate need of some advice.

Last night for the first time I brought up the suggestion of BPD with my partner. I have been agonizing for months about how to bring it up or whether to bring it to her attention at all. But she refused to see a therapist so I am the only person who can say it. So I finally built up the courage to do so.

I wanted her to watch a documentary about it first so that she would understand a little about the condition before I talked to her about it but she was on to me instantly and refused to watch it. Now she thinks that I just think she is a complete nut job and am blaming her for all of our problems. I tried to explain to her as best I could the reasons why this could be what she is suffering with but I don't know if she even heard me at all. I think she just completely shut down, stuck in her own mind and her own twisted interpretations of the situation. She is incredibly hurt and I feel bloody awful. She isn't talking to me and she refuses to listen to me. I guess she feels like I have betrayed her by thinking this of her.

All I want is for her to have even the slightest chance to get better. She has been stuck in a mindset that everyone feels the way she does, that it's normal. That the only reasons for her reactions to the world are because other people keep doing things to hurt her or let her down. She thinks that if I would just stop all of the things that she perceives me as doing wrong that we would have no problems. So I guess she sees me saying I think she has BPD as another horrible thing that I am doing to her to drive her into the ground. I keep telling her I lover her and want to support her but she doesn't believe me.

Please help! What do I do now?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wanda]

 all you can do is accept  her for her, i am also in a BPD marriage 16 years i have known as long, i thought tell my husband and be done we went to counseling but what i found out he didn't accept it still don't to t his day 16 years later... i had to learn what i could accept what was in front of me learn the skills and tools things are so much better now...

Unless she is ready to hear it she won't and treatment is very extensive. and long.

I had to go to counseling for me.

i to have told my  husband but he just blames me. to this day he still is in denial...  

[Jacq189]

Thank you Wanda! That really does help to know that it is possible to still have a relationship when your BPD partner is in denial.

It is very hard to let go of the possibility that they are suddenly going to see things the way you do. But I am getting better at it and things are much better now that I understand what is really going on with her. It was just so intolerable for me to continue on without her also understanding what is really going on with her. But like you said if she isn't ready to hear it then she won't.

Right now I am on her "black list". Yesterday she packed a bag and left telling me our relationship is completely over. Her anger flaring up if I tried to talk to her. But this is pretty common with her. She will be gone for a few days, sending me nasty messages (which I ignore) and then the odd nice message (which I respond to) and then seek a huge amount of reassurance from me and often an apology from me before she returns. Once home, she will be immensely insecure for the first few days until she returns to her base level. I am trying to learn to validate the valid and not validate the invalid.

I  am seeing a therapist myself. It was in fact this therapist who suggested that my gf could have BPD and that I should bring it up with her. I am beginning to think this is the wrong therapist for me though. I feel I need someone who is more experienced with BPD and the sensitivities of it. I also think it is very hard for someone who is unexperienced with BPD to understand why on earth anyone would choose to stay in a relationship like ours. But I am committed and my eyes are wide open. I don't need help making a decision of whether or not to stay but it feels like that is all this therapist has to offer me. My options are limited though as I live in Western Australia but I think its time I did some research.

[itgirl]

Jacq189

My uBPDgf only knew she suffered from depression.    When I told her one day that I think she might have some BPD traits she had no idea what BPD was.  She read up about it with me and agreed with a lot of the root causes of BPD.  She seemed relieved to finally know what could be the cause of her problems.  She contacted a hospital to get an appointment with a BPD specialist. 

As she procrastinates most tasks she didn’t go to the appointment.  When I was painted black a few months after that she blamed me for calling her crazy.  Denying any possible link to BPD. 

So as you can see we never know how a certain BPD will respond.   

[Fanie]

I cant but admire you Wanda, for staying 16 years 

I guess you have children?

How do you cope?

I am at "staying" but have to admit its sometimes very difficult

Im doing it for my kids 3 and 5

:'(

one of those days... .

Sorry the post is about "what do you do now"

Patience - wait for her to "recover"

Don't talk about it again

Take it day by day

Read the articles at 'Workshops" I learnt a great deal there

(still learning)

Even if she goes for T (forced) it will not help

She must "want" to recover - that's the bad news

Take care

[itgirl]

Yes,  I never mentioned BPD again.  I know in my heart I tried to help.  If I didn't mention anything, I would have struggled to move on as in my heart I was only trying to help.   

She agreed with BPD when she read up on the cause of it.  Blaming her parents.  But as soon as she started delving deeper into the disorder she didn't like what she found.

Now I look after me by being on this board and using it to help myself. 

[Jacq189]

Thank you for everyone's input 

She still hasn't come home but she is less angry now and is messaging giving me a very rare glimpse into how she is actually feeling. Here is an example:

"I feel so saddened by what you brought to my attention. and don't feel like I have the energy or strength to carry on or struggling with you on top of everything else I have to deal with. I might struggle to keep my anger from rearing her ugly head but I really thought I was keeping a lid on it even though I feel like ___ at the moment... its just a phase I go through them all the time im allowed to feel like that ay?... but then you demolish the little good feeling left... the only little left that is just enough for me not to want to completely lose my ___ cos I don't want things to be like that because I love you. But you have really dropped me this time. and now im in it till I can get myself out of it."

I feel dreadful for causing her extra pain when everyday is such a struggle for her already. But even her reaction to this is further cementing in my mind that she is BPD. If only I could get her to actually understand WHAT BPD is then I feel like we might have a chance of addressing it or at least accepting it. I am not pushing her into talking to me about it or forcing her into looking at the info about BPD but I am refusing to say that im sorry, I was wrong, you don't have BPD. Because that would be validating her denial which I think would be counterproductive. If she is going to continue in denial then I will allow her to and not push it but at least the ball is in her court then.

Thanks again everyone 

[Jacq189]

So I have a little update... .

She has come home. She has looked at some info I gave her about BPD and agrees that it really does seem to fit. We are a long way off her agreeing to therapy or even getting properly diagnosed but she is talking to me about it and seems to be understanding things about herself better. The poor love is feeling overwhelmed and frightened by it all but is speaking to me in truths and is listening to me as I tell her what I have learned about this disorder.

So far so good. Fingers crossed she continues to be willing to talk to me about this.

[Fanie]

Don't disappear

Tell us everything

I will be of help to many of us

Keep us posted

[Wanda]

i am not on here a lot,

I have been married 16 years my story is under success stories . my husband now is my three kids second daddy due to the first one just leaving me pregnant. we



It was a relieve to hear BPD from my therapist, like a bolder been lifted. he over the years have gotten better the rages are non existent, I still enforce boundaries and use the tools and skills. i walk away a lot. and let a lot go.

my kids are all grown up, 30 26 and 22 only one of  my kids figured it out,. my husband at times gets on my nerves but he is still way better then my ex. my kids also were very   young when i found out about BPD

[Jacq189]

Another update, not quite as positive as the last one.

On Thursday night I was trying to get her to start reading "High Conflict Couple" with me while she was still in the mood to take it seriously and not in denial. (I thought that book would be a good starting point as it doesn't place blame or even specifically mention BPD but it is based on DBT). She then started complaining of being too tired to read it and needed to go to bed (at 7pm?), she then managed to cause a fight about something entirely different and which of course was all my fault. She started interrogating me about what my best friend was saying in messages to me. This made me very uncomfortable as my gf HATES my friends and any attempted conversation about them ends up with her furious and hating them even more. I suspected she was doing it just to get out of having to read the book with me. Plus I don't see why she should know everything that is said between me and my best friend. So I hesitated to answer and then (Unfortunately out of frustration) I said "do you really care or want to know what she is saying or will it just make you angry?". That set her off saying that of course she really wants to know and that I always only think the worst of her. She then stormed off into the bedroom and slammed the door. As she was in a pretty good mood to start with I figured she would only need a few minutes to calm down but boy was I wrong!

The next day she started verbally abusing me and threatening me, saying that she was going to go spend all our money on drugs. All the queues were there that she was about to get violent so as soon as she got in the shower I grabbed what cash and valuables I could and fled the house. After trashing our bedroom completely, she left. Over the weekend she was sending me nasty threatening messages and then demanding to know why I keep doing this to her and that she wasn't going to let me do this to her anymore and that she doesn't love me and wants to break up.

She has calmed down somewhat now and has come home but is not talking to me other than to insist that the relationship is over. I am pretty sure she did do drugs while she was gone which makes her unpredictable and dysregulated for at least a week at the best of times. She seems to do it as a punishment to me because she knows how much I hate her doing it and because we can't afford for her to waste money like that.

Those carefully laid out eggshells surrounding her are as brittle as ever so I am feeling rather paralysed with her right now. I am trying to keep my cool, not show any reaction and get on with my own things but my anxiety is through the roof. I have a little reprieve for now as she has gone out but I don't know when she will be home.

I hate being stuck in this purgatory. It is such a wast of time that should be spent with us enjoying each others company. This is the part where I start to contemplate if I should start a conversation with her about whether she really wants to leave... . even though I know she doesn't really want to leave but is still too angry/dysregulated to admit it so I will just end up getting more hurt.