Why do we Stay?

[Not normal]

I've been on the staying and undecided and leaving boards.

As the cycle suggests, my husband has 'forgiven' me after 2 weeks and wants the marriage back again.

I've questioned myself on co-dependency and watched my mental health closely.

Given youth, ample money and capabilities to bring up myself and my son... .

Why is it that I have not run as fast as I can away from him?

I've always forgiven him when he acts up, and I know that Im not capable to use the tools to deal with him in the right way.

I love the average co worker and busker more than him. My patience, compassion and loving-kindness towards him have dried out.

Now I'm wondering, why do we choose to stay?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Fanie]

I am in the very same position that you

I guess that even after all the abuse I still love her dearly

(with no return from her  :'(

and I know that we will never have the great times me had before ... .

Yes, the question is, why do we stay ?

For the moment I stay for kids (d3 and b5) sake !

They need me  - I cant let them down !  :'(

Its so freakin heartsore ... .

[empathic]

I think I stay for the fear of the unknown. I lived alone for many years before meeting my now wife, so I shouldn't really fear loneliness... . but many things are easier when you're 2. The kids of course, but if I found a place not so far away it would probably be OK.

Also, fear of taking the lead. It would, to be honest, be much much easier if my wife had expressed a desire to separate. It's very hard to talk to her about this, because she'll get extremely emotional and depressed.

[mace17]

This sounds rather pathetic, but I stay because I don't want my son going through the trauma of divorce, and because deep down I don't want to hurt my H.  I really hate hurting people, even when it is really necessary to take action for myself.  I would feel selfish, he's not a horrible person, just verbally abusive in very subtle ways.  And I've been married before to even worse, so I figure he's he's not that bad and it could be a whole lot worse.

[Jacq189]

I stay because I am so deeply in love and care so very much for my partner. She gives me unconditional love (although its not always obvious I know its still there). When she is regulated we have an absolute blast together, we are best friends, we always have something to talk about.

I wonder sometimes if it is because our relationship is so up and down all the time it kind of keeps it in a "honeymoon state" when she is well. I guess its the old "when things are good, they are amazing but when things are bad, they are dreadful".

As she feels things so intensely the charisma about her is like nothing I have ever seen before and is one of the things I love most about her. Of course I certainly don't love when she is directing it in a negative way. In those moments I would gladly leave the relationship, but then I calm down and remember how much I lover her and how much she loves me and am able to weather the storm until she also remembers that she loves me. Although I doubt she ever really believes that I could love her.

We don't have children. I think it would be harder for me to stay if we did have children because I couldn't allow them to be exposed to her explosions. It is hard enough trying to protect our pets from being caught in the blast.

For now at least the good outweighs the bad ... . well maybe 50/50 but I see no reason why that can't continue into the future. We have been together 6 and a half years and am only now learning the tools to make it work properly so I have a lot of hope for the future.

Basically, she is crazy and she drives me crazy but we love each other like crazy! 

[ziniztar]

Staying with someone because they need you can never be a long term solution. It helps to understand why we're in this relationship, why we're staying and what are options are. Usually we feel there is no option, but there always is.

I stay because my dBPDbf acecpts his diagnosis, is in treatment every week and actively communicates with me about it. I see improvement, so I stay. I believe in and amire his ability to overcome his demons. In the mean time he can be a wonderful boyfriend to me, as I'm not the most emotional stable person and he gets me, where other people used to push the wrong buttons by waving my emotions away (which I now recognize as invalidation ).

[Verbena]

This is a good question and one I've asked myself a lot recently.  My H does not have BPD, but he has serious issues.  I have stayed because... .

I don't want to face the financial impact a divorce would bring... .

I don't want to hurt my children even though I doubt they would blame me--even my BPD DD29... .

I don't want to deal with the reaction of other people who have no idea just how nasty and miserable my H is... .

I have not stayed because I still love him.  He has managed with his behavior to completely wipe that out. 

[Batman]

I stay for my kids. I also stay because i believe there has been tremendous progress in identifying this condition and treating it.

I stay because if I left now I would not feel I have done all that I could.

I stay to be a balancing force for my kids (again).

I stay because leaving would be feeding into my wife's biggest fear. WHich may manifest itself in terrible, vindictive ways, making no one's life any easier.

I styy because I have hope.

I will not stay if that hope fades and the love is truly gone.

I have nights where I feel I can no longer take this or have my kids see it, but the next day I feel hopeful again. Maybe that morning when I don't have that feeling anymore is the morning I won't stay.

I stay because I must be co-dependent? It cannot be one sided, nothing ever is.

Sometimes I have no idea why I stay or how I even got this far with her! :/

[Not normal]

Such beautiful selfless, loving people on this board. It's very touching to hear your stories.

I pray that all of you continue with your strengths on this very difficult path.

Most of us stay because of our kids... I'm freaking out as my s4 witnesses our fury and I took him away and now have peace around him.

Maybe I'm searching for closure as my H doesn't feel that anything is wrong and that I'm the sole problem.

We have a regular marriage counselor meeting set up tomorrow.

I do know that it's a waste of money... but I think that I just need a stranger to acknowledge my thoughts. ... how pathetic is that ?

I'm almost over my 3 week long self pity and beginning to smile once again.

Ready for the tears tomorrow,  I hope to gain clarity...

A number of friends shared with me that husband's become gentle and more appreciative in their 50 s or 60s  ... wonder if that's true?

Is there a number in BPD that will make them ease out of it?

[Samuel S.]

I have stayed due to my philosophy that where there is life, there is hope. Tolerating a lot of my BPDw's behavior and verbal abuse has worn me down, but I still remain optimistic, at least somewhat so. The days I can tolerate her more, her behavior is less demeaning. The days I cannot tolerate her, well, we've all been there unfortunately. No matter what, we have all experienced BPD bumps on the smooth road of life!

[ydrys017]

I stay for my kids. I also stay because i believe there has been tremendous progress in identifying this condition and treating it.

I stay because if I left now I would not feel I have done all that I could.

I stay to be a balancing force for my kids (again).

I stay because leaving would be feeding into my wife's biggest fear. WHich may manifest itself in terrible, vindictive ways, making no one's life any easier.

I styy because I have hope.

I will not stay if that hope fades and the love is truly gone.

I have nights where I feel I can no longer take this or have my kids see it, but the next day I feel hopeful again. Maybe that morning when I don't have that feeling anymore is the morning I won't stay.

I stay because I must be co-dependent? It cannot be one sided, nothing ever is.

Sometimes I have no idea why I stay or how I even got this far with her! :/

X2 - couldn't have typed it better myself... .  

[CPWUSAF33]

I stay for several reasons:

1.  I made a commitment God and to her when we were married that I would love her, honor her, and cherish her, for better or worse, and in sickness an in health until death do us part.  I know this may sound crazy to some; but, I am being honest as this is the first and foremost reason.

2.  ... and I do love her dearly.  Like someone else said on here when it's bad it's really bad; but, when it is good, it's really good.  So even after long episodes where her head does a 360 and she all but spits up pea-soup, it is always like a honeymoon period when she snaps out of it.

3.  She is a giving person--even though there are no shades of gray in her point of view, she is a compassionate person and will always give to others.  She is a real sweetheart in public--people have no idea she can be so destructive to her family.

4.  This place also helps me stay--I now have a support group--I am not alone--people actually understand what I'm going through and offer great advice... .

5.  It's never wrong to do the right thing--and I think staying in a marriage is the right thing to do.

[janey62]

Why do I stay?

I stay because I'm used to the pain, it's what I know... .

I stay because I'm scared of the alternative and hate being alone... .

I stay because I believe he loves me even in the presence of overwhelming evidence to the contrary when he's sick... .

I stay because of my fear of abandonment and consequent annihilation... .

I stay because I feel loved by him when he's regulated and because in those times he has insight, honesty and terrible guilt about how he hurts me... .

I stay because I see improvement and see him trying (he is seeing a therapist who is recovering from BPD,  and he has just started on a course of Lithium) and I want to support that... .

I stay because I've come so far that turning back would be so hard... .

I stay because I love him (though when I say that now I feel pathetic and wish I was strong enough to walk away)... .

I stay because I don't trust or believe that I would find anyone better or more well... .

[TiggerGirl]

Why do I stay?

I stay because I made a commitment before God and friends and family to love and cherish, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, until death do us part.

I stay because, despite how my uBPDh is treating me right now, I still love him, more so now than I did 6 months ago when we seperated. And I have told him that and he still says it means alot to hear me say that.

I stay because I married the right person for me, despite his faults and his all of his issues. Even though I know I could have done better, I chose him because he exhibited all of the qualities I wanted in a husband.

I stay married because my husband really is not a bad person despite his BPD tendencies. He has always been a wonderful friend and confidant, whose good qualities, far outweigh his bad.

I stay because I still have hope that we will get back together and be able to work things out.

I stay because I do not ever want him to feel that he was abandoned by me ever again.

I stay because its the right thing to do, out marriage is very important to me.

[reluctanthusband]

1. Mostly the kids and my ability to provide for them.

Both of us come from broken homes where the mother painfully(mine) alienated the father figure sadistically(hers).  I cannot protect them from the wrath and crazymaking if we split up.  Even if it means that I have stay in a relationship that stresses me out and has on more than one occasion made me think about taking my life.  I don’t believe the adage "better to be from a broken home than to live in one".  If I left she would financially and emotionally crucify me.

2. Honor

I was raised to respect my mother by my father even though my mother made my fathers life miserable. 

3. My promise to God(Christian)

My faith has been tested over the years because of her BPD but unless he releases me from her I have an obligation to keep trying.  I do not want to stand before him and him say that I could have done more.  That and I have hope that someday I will be shown what he brought us together for.  At this point it is an obligation with perks at times.  I say I love you but question myself if I am lying about it every time.  Recently it is our faith that has been used against me.  With the same lips she admonishes my spiritual leadership of the home and then asks my blessing for her to begin leader training at "Her" church(She left our home church in Oct 2013).

4. Her fears

I will not allow her to become the victim through my own choosing.  She was the victim for so many years because I "Never loved her or cheated on her"  well that is not the truth!  Now I know what the truth is SHE Cheated on ME, she is the one who cannot have an HONEST/real love for somebody. I will not let her have it.   

[MrsDivia]

This sounds rather pathetic, but I stay because I don't want my son going through the trauma of divorce, and because deep down I don't want to hurt my H.  I really hate hurting people, even when it is really necessary to take action for myself.  I would feel selfish, he's not a horrible person, just verbally abusive in very subtle ways.  And I've been married before to even worse, so I figure he's he's not that bad and it could be a whole lot worse.

It is not pathetic. I now have 3 kids and am barely finding out after 4 years of insanity that my husband has this issue. To be honest I dont know what the future holds but your reason is not pathetic or weak. All of this is so personal - you cant allow society's harsh view and immediate gradification culture to make you feel badly about yourself.

[maxsterling]

Some days (such as today) - I really don't know.

I'm trying to distract myself so the fear of the next dysregulation doesn't overwhelm me.

But I will probably work myself up anyway, and then get home from work and realize the fire is much smaller than I feared.  She will smile and hug me, and this rush of love will come over me.  Things will feel better in that instant.   

And then when I get alone time, the fear builds in me again, and I feel like running.

[byfaith]

@max sterling

That is what my daily life is like. I feel tortured on the inside. I was texted this morning " do me a favor and just find something or someone to do after work" I'm hoping the last part was a typo. hope your weekend goes well!

[StayOrLeave15]

Why do I stay?

I stay because I'm used to the pain, it's what I know... .

I stay because I'm scared of the alternative and hate being alone... .

I stay because I believe he loves me even in the presence of overwhelming evidence to the contrary when he's sick... .

I stay because of my fear of abandonment and consequent annihilation... .

I stay because I feel loved by him when he's regulated and because in those times he has insight, honesty and terrible guilt about how he hurts me... .

I stay because I see improvement and see him trying (he is seeing a therapist who is recovering from BPD,  and he has just started on a course of Lithium) and I want to support that... .

I stay because I've come so far that turning back would be so hard... .

I stay because I love him (though when I say that now I feel pathetic and wish I was strong enough to walk away)... .

I stay because I don't trust or believe that I would find anyone better or more well... .

Oh Janey. I am so with you.  I don't know if you are married or he is your boyfriend but most people here are staying because of the difficulty of divorce and children. 

I am in a serious relationship, albeit only six months long but it feels six years or more.  I have all the same reasons you have. 

It's so sad for both of us to be used to the pain and afraid of not meeting someone else. I have these exact same feelings.  Actually I know I will meet someone else, but I feel it will pale it comparison.  Both the UPs and the DOWNs.  But maybe meeting someone with UPs that aren't quite as high but not the horrible lows will be better for all of us. 

[janey62]

Hi StayOrLeave15,

I'm not married to him, we've been together for two years though.

It is sad that we feel this way but from my point of view there are some positives.  I have had quite a few relationships with men who I now can see, with the benefit of hindsight, were not well and if they didn't actually have BPD, showed it's characteristics.  So I'm asking myself, what does that say about me? 

My partner has quite a lot of insight into his condition and it's growing every day.  When he's well he is the best and most loving and kind man I've ever known, when he's sick he is angry and spiteful and abandoning but then comes back and that's when we can talk things over and both try to work on a solution.  He has started on Lithium and we are both hopeful that it will help to balance his moods.  Still any high or low emotionally sets him off.  A particularly violent episode of Vikings sent him into a spin the other night with the result that he left and I had to go to my father's funeral yesterday alone... .

I know that if I leave him I will inevitably end up finding someone else who is just as sick... . and we've come so far.  In the first 18 months I didn't understand what was happening and reacted to him in an explosive way each time, which meant that the episodes lasted much longer and a lot more damage was done.  Now that I am beginning to understand why he is the way he is I can temper my reaction.  It still hurts but that hurt can be put to good use - it's helping me to understand myself.

I can look back sometimes to one of my first relationships when I used to end up most nights sat on the floor in the dark in front of an electric fire sobbing my heart out, feeling lonely and abandoned because my then boyfriend had picked an argument and pushed me away.  I'm still that little 19 year old girl, still sat in the dark in front of that fire... . Abandonment is my issue, the pain of abandonment and rejection is so familiar and raw.  This relationship,  believe it of not, is the most sensible and mature I've ever had, because I can see myself, see the dark and the electric fire.   Before this I was truly stumbling around in the dark. 

What is love?  Big question.  I've seen many definitions just in this one thread.  For some it's honour, for some it's compassion, for some it's obsession, for some it's inexplicable connection, for others it's painful and confusing yet they refuse to give up... . What I do know is that it's never smooth of perfect.

Part of me wants to say to you, you're only 6 months in, run away!  But then part of me says, use this as an opportunity to work out your stuff if you can and in the process help him work out his.  There is always the option of leaving if it gets too rough. 

And don't be a victim, make and maintain some boundaries.  If he upsets you too much take some time out, tell him that's what you're doing.  Look after yourself, because he won't, he will only look after himself, it's all he knows at the moment. 

Janey