Baby steps

[moonunit]

I haven't been around here in a long time.

The fights/arguments with my SO have been dwindling over the past year, part is because i am trying to be a bit more understanding of her mental issues and recognizing the signs of an immenent blow up and partly it is how i am choosing to react.

Recently when things go sideways i have been unplugging my phone, never thought that i could do this, always felt the need to keep the phone "on" at all times not matter what. I do tell my SO that i am not going to discuss anything more if all that is going to take place is both of us exchanging insults and that we will discuss matters later.   

What i have found is that i get some sleep and it gives both of us time to cool down. I know i have a mountain to climb to get things better, but the first step is a big relief.

Hope this message can help someone who is wondering if they should ever just unplug the phone for some peace and quiet.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mono No Aware]

Excellent!

I too have been ignoring the phone hassle and taking time to phrase things just right to try and de-escalate the dysregulation.

The biggest challenge is often not our BPD loved ones, but our own responses to their words and actions - and yet this is the only thing we control.

[waverider]

Imposing a pause and space by whatever method certainly creates a breathing space to better address the escalations

[moonunit]

Thanks for the kind words.

Boundaries were in play again this weekend. Got into a heated discussion(s), friday had a glass of wine thrown at me- followed by the glass itself. I calmly got up, gathered a few things and left my house, got in my car and drove away. I slept in my car for about 3 hrs, came home and continued my sleep (on the floor).  Next day I was  told it was my fault it got that far and that i should not have left the house and that i was not a man and i should have stayed and discussed it " like adults" because that is what couples do.

I said, her actions were not acceptable under any circumstances and i would do the same thing again, that we both needed a cool down period and things could have got alot uglier.

Last night she went beserk again, threw wine at me again and then started punching and kicking me, i should note i am recovering from a broken ankle so getting up quickly and leaving was not an option. I had to push her back so i could get up and leave, which i did immediately. She called me several times at home and i told her we could discuss things today and that i was not going to keep it going any longer.

Today she is all apologies, sorry for this - sorry for that - I told her that i am sorry too for not ending things sooner before they escalated and i told her next time i will leave earlier and that we will discuss things when we both are not so charged up.

I am trying to establish a pattern of ending/leaving a bad situation and letting her know we will talk the next day and then following through on that promise, hopefully she will see the pattern anad recognize it next time.   

[waverider]

Good work, the sooner you recognize the pattern and the sooner you disengage the less it will effect you, and reduce the build up ofresentment.

[maxsterling]

Thanks for the kind words.

Boundaries were in play again this weekend. Got into a heated discussion(s), friday had a glass of wine thrown at me- followed by the glass itself. I calmly got up, gathered a few things and left my house, got in my car and drove away. I slept in my car for about 3 hrs, came home and continued my sleep (on the floor).  Next day I was  told it was my fault it got that far and that i should not have left the house and that i was not a man and i should have stayed and discussed it " like adults" because that is what couples do.

I said, her actions were not acceptable under any circumstances and i would do the same thing again, that we both needed a cool down period and things could have got alot uglier.

Last night she went beserk again, threw wine at me again and then started punching and kicking me, i should note i am recovering from a broken ankle so getting up quickly and leaving was not an option. I had to push her back so i could get up and leave, which i did immediately. She called me several times at home and i told her we could discuss things today and that i was not going to keep it going any longer.

Today she is all apologies, sorry for this - sorry for that - I told her that i am sorry too for not ending things sooner before they escalated and i told her next time i will leave earlier and that we will discuss things when we both are not so charged up.

I am trying to establish a pattern of ending/leaving a bad situation and letting her know we will talk the next day and then following through on that promise, hopefully she will see the pattern anad recognize it next time.   

WOW!  You and I went through about the same thing this weekend.  And for once, I left at the first sign of abuse.  And boy she hated that.  The next day, she laid into me again, and I immediately left.  And of course I got accused of being childish, having no relationship skills, etc.  I just told her that I will not be present for abuse, and left.

I hope I get to the "apologies" stage soon. 

[coleen83]

Thank you for sharing this. It makes me laugh to hear other people say- oh just run away- or you never want to communicate etc etc... shaking head... . happens to me all the time and all I want to do is just walk away so it doesnt get worse! He usually follows me around and just continues to yell. One time I tried to leave and he cornered me and wouldnt let me out of the room- scary because he is very intimidating when mad and a big guy. That time I called the cops. Anyways enough about me! I like this post because it shows me I need to stand up for myself when he starts to rage and I dont have to sit around and take it. Next time I will walk out like you did. I am sure he will tell me I am a horrible mom like the last time I tried to leave- but whatever... . its only words right?

[coleen83]

Oh I got to the apology stage today but the "Im sorry" just doesnt mean so much anymore to me... . sad. Its hard to accept when the behaviors happen over and over and over... .

[moonunit]

Yes, things get very crazy at times, i find that trying to use my better judgement at times. Yesterday she was flipping out again and i bit my tongue, after some time she calmed down. I prayed that she would calm down and that we could have a decent conversation, and low and behold it turned out not too bad.

Today will be a different day i am sure