Best way to handle misunderstandings?

[coasterhusband]

I could really use some advice. Here's the latest in the ongoing series of misunderstandings, and I'm never sure how to handle.

* Lightning causes damage at our house, including TV.

* My dBPDso starts the process with the insurance company to deal with damages

* We have a hard time getting an electrician to write up insurance required paperwork

* I call the local office insurance guy for advice on finding the right person to come get us the right paperwork

* Local guy calls national insurance adjuster and asks. Returns my calls and tells me we don't even need said paperwork

* I report this back to my dBPDso what I was told

* She gets irritated that I don't trust her, that I think she's "dumb and incapable" because I'm questioning her

The fact is, I was caught in the middle of what my wife was originally told and what I was now being told. If I explain that her facts are incorrect, or try to share with her that I don't think she is "dumb and incapable", but that I just had additional data I needed to complete the task, then I'm being an argumentative jerk.

In this case, I simply replied to her that I was sorry she felt that way, and that I'd like a chance to explain, in-person, my side of the story. She answered back that she "didn't want to make this a thing" and just to have me handle these things in the future. (I'm still not sure what any of this actually means, so I'm almost certainly going to screw it up again).

So here's my question:

How do y'all handle these factually incorrect situations that cause such negative responses (based on bad data)?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[enlighten me]

I wish I could help. All mine were no win situations as well. I tried and tried to come up with a way of dealing with these in the end I thought whats the point Im in trouble anyway so I'll just tell her how it is and wait for the fallout. At least then I couldn't be accused of misleading her as well.

My example is the phone bill. There was a mess up and I had to sort out the direct debit again. This didn't work due to the reference number not being able to be used again by my bank.

I then retried  and was told it was ok. Now bear in mind that the account is in her name and I only pay the bill. Anyway she receives a letter saying that we owed £150 and if we didn't pay then the phone and internet would be disconnected. I was travelling back to work that day so I phoned the telephone company to find out what was going on. As it wasn't my account they couldn't tell me. I told her and she went into meltdown yelling that she had signed permission for me to access the account and I was obviously stupid or incompetent. This is after I had spent an hour talking to their customer services. I then just paid the bill to save the hassle. We decided that it was better to have the direct debit in her account so if it happened while I was away she could deal with it. When she set up the direct debit she was told that the bill was what it was as it had been put down as quarterly not monthly. A mistake on the phone company's side. It took her 5 mins to set up the direct debit and get the answers.

From the phone company messing up I was branded lazy, incompetent, bad with money and uncaring. So I haven't a clue how to come out of a situation that's not your fault unscathed.

[maxsterling]

Well, being blamed for things that are not within your control is a hallmark of being in a relationship with a pwBPD.  Another hallmark is getting few apologies (if ever) after the pwBPD realizes that it wasn't your fault.  I've had my share of absurd things blamed on me.  And while I am better at holding on to my reality now, it still hurts and is immensely frustrating to have to deal with this on a regular basis.

How I am trying to handle these situations:

1)  Validate.  Tell her you know how frustrating it is do have to deal with insurance companies and home repairs, and that it is frustrating for you too.

2)  Thank her for the help she was able to provide.  Find something about the situation that she did help with, thank her while being careful not to patronize. 

3)  Do something to take care of me (self care) so that I have strength to deal with future incidents. 

[an0ught]

Hi coasterhusband,

maxsterling is right but - validation is your best bet in this case. You wrote she is irritated so this may be a first emotion to be addressed. "Irritated" is a fantastic emotion to validate as it really happens quite often and "surprise" is an emotion very close to fear - fight/flight and going into anger/dysregulation. There is little shame in being irritated - it is fairly neutral - happens to lots of people all the time.

I would not follow up here if I had not more to add. When validating it is important to keep in mind that emotions are NOW. So coming later and explaining risks that the emotion is not present anymore and we are invalidating by brining up some old and embarrassing story. That is a bit the problem with jadE (justify, argue, defend and Explain).

Now of course if this happens a lot then at one point we do have to do some explaining and that is then best done with SET where T is our explaining and E would be taking care of emotions in the moment and also the past. It is critical to ensure that T is as neutral as possible and devoid of our emotion so it can be accepted. Devoid of our emotion does not mean it can't name our emotion but we should avoid passive aggressive or emotionally loaded language etc. when stating facts.

[coasterhusband]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

So two follow-up questions:

1. There have been two more incidents since I originally posted that are similar. Example: I did 5+ hours of research on putting in a room divider to turn a big bedroom into two spaces. Before heading to Ikea, I wanted to run through the idea I had and had very briefly presented the night before. My dBPDw called out one concern (mostly in the form of "that won't work because of X factor). When I suggested that I had done a lot of research as it was also a concern of mine and that it appeared OK, she pivoted to her real position: an absolute "no" answer. (This happens regularly, where she has learned enough to at least attempt to seem open to discussion until she realizes that her logical concern have met with failure, then the truth comes out: She wants to say no, no matter what. She got really angry about the fact that we had "discussed it" the night before. In truth, I had mentioned the vague idea, we hadn't talked about her specific concern, and I went on to research.

So when I presented, she reacted with concern, I shared (I believe fairly neutrally) that I'd done research on that very topic because I too was concerned, she just got mad and stated flat out we weren't doing it that way. Rather than cause a fight, I gave in and said fine, we can do what you want. She got all irritated because she says I was belittling her ... and back to the "dumb" issue.

So the question: in these instances, I don't really understand what's happening. What's going on with her? She's getting what she wants, but seems furious I didn't "just know" that her answer was the right answer in the first place. My opinions are so irrelevant, and she never sticks around to listen to whether *I* have done any research or had any thoughts. If she voices a concern and I research it and discover it's not an issue, I'm calling her dumb. If I challenge her in the moment with my own life experiences and skills (rather than just saying yes to anything she says), then I'm not trusting her. Is the only answer to just give them the power to make and manage all decisions in the relationship or accept that life is going to be one constant fight if you choose to participate?

2. Second question has to do with how y'all cope with situations like this. I will admit, I get frustrated (probably more easily at this point) by these sorts of interactions. I feel like I'm trying to manage the emotions of an 11 year old with the power and authority of a king, all while trying to avoid having my own emotions get displayed in anything other than a dBPDw supportive way or risk certain doom. Yes, the example above was about a room divider, and I try to not let small issues turn into bigger issues. But married life is made up of a stream of these small issues, and at some point the issues themselves or the collective bulk of small issues turn into a big situation. How do people cope with walking through the minefield?

[rl669]

Is the only answer to just give them the power to make and manage all decisions in the relationship or accept that life is going to be one constant fight if you choose to participate?

I think we could be married to the same woman.

If you ever figure out the answer to your question, be sure to let me know. I'm 17 years into the relationship and I still have no idea.

[christoff522]

I could really use some advice. Here's the latest in the ongoing series of misunderstandings, and I'm never sure how to handle.

* Lightning causes damage at our house, including TV.

* My dBPDso starts the process with the insurance company to deal with damages

* We have a hard time getting an electrician to write up insurance required paperwork

* I call the local office insurance guy for advice on finding the right person to come get us the right paperwork

* Local guy calls national insurance adjuster and asks. Returns my calls and tells me we don't even need said paperwork

* I report this back to my dBPDso what I was told

* She gets irritated that I don't trust her, that I think she's "dumb and incapable" because I'm questioning her

The fact is, I was caught in the middle of what my wife was originally told and what I was now being told. If I explain that her facts are incorrect, or try to share with her that I don't think she is "dumb and incapable", but that I just had additional data I needed to complete the task, then I'm being an argumentative jerk.

In this case, I simply replied to her that I was sorry she felt that way, and that I'd like a chance to explain, in-person, my side of the story. She answered back that she "didn't want to make this a thing" and just to have me handle these things in the future. (I'm still not sure what any of this actually means, so I'm almost certainly going to screw it up again).

So here's my question:

How do y'all handle these factually incorrect situations that cause such negative responses (based on bad data)?

Stop caring how she feels, tell her to shut up, and drink another beer. Thats what she wants.

[Vexed]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

Is the only answer to just give them the power to make and manage all decisions in the relationship or accept that life is going to be one constant fight if you choose to participate?

Seems that way, but then I am faced with her expecting me to take care of these things and "be a man".  When I do make decisions I am always screwed because in her view it was the wrong decision, even when history proves it to be the right decision. 

Then there is the saying "hindsight is 20/20" and every time I make a decision that doesn't quite pan out perfectly my intelligence is insulted for not making the right call... .The worst part is when it's something stupid like turning down the wrong street which is only the wrong street because there is no available parking which I have zero control over.

[bpbreakout]

I'm also married to the same woman 

I spent quite a few years wanting her approval on things around the house but not much any more. It sounds like you guys are doing a great job dealing with this stuff, it's often time consuming and frustrating. I do bounce everything off her and there is often something that's not quite right or a stupid negative comment and I think that makes her feel good. Her strengths are on colour and she has strong opinions on furniture which I don't always agree with as I find her tastes bit old fashioned. I'm good at telco's, insurance, thinking things through around the house and space management. BPDw often complains that she is never consulted but I know that's not true & I suspect so does she though she can't ackowledge that. She also often complains that nothing is being done to improve the house but rearley contributes to the process other than complaining about lack of consultation. In the last 2 years I have got the kitchen made over, got the laundry completely re-done, got a bathroom completely re-done, got a lounge re-painted and got the children's bedrooms re-arranged with new furniture including built in wardrobes. I think I've done enough to give myself a pat on the back. BPDw often has long drawn out dramas with telco's insurance companies and so on. I do my best to let her deal with them though she has a long history of handballing these things to me. The last big one was when a guy came to repair the oven and told her it needed $1,200 work on it & he would come back the next week if she paid up front. Needless to say he took the money and we couldn't get him to come back or refund the money.

My advice similar to christoff is to care less about how she feels (ie needing her approval) gives yourselves a pat on the back and have a beer

[coasterhusband]

My advice similar to christoff is to care less about how she feels (ie needing her approval) gives yourselves a pat on the back and have a beer

Easier said than done... .as we all know The problem is that it's hard to take the couldn't care less mindset when someone is scream at you about how you don't pay attention. Or knowing that if you ignore her now, the next time a fight (or even a minor irritation) pops up, she'll be screaming at you "you never listen to me about anything! Remember that time you... .? Why are you so horrible to me?"

Ugh.

[christoff522]

My advice similar to christoff is to care less about how she feels (ie needing her approval) gives yourselves a pat on the back and have a beer

Easier said than done... .as we all know The problem is that it's hard to take the couldn't care less mindset when someone is scream at you about how you don't pay attention. Or knowing that if you ignore her now, the next time a fight (or even a minor irritation) pops up, she'll be screaming at you "you never listen to me about anything! Remember that time you... .? Why are you so horrible to me?"

Ugh.

She's after a particular mindset... literally the more you try to validate her... the more she will be like that. You need to sort of be a narcissist in all of this... act like you don't need her and the she needs you. She will smear you, tell all her friends what an a-hole you are but she'll do as she's told and she will worship you.

No... this isn't healthy, and frankly you shouldn't be in the relationship in the first place. But BPD's adore narcissists. The only way to control a BPD is to be a sociopathic narcissist.

[bpbreakout]

Totally agree coaster easier said than done. 

My thought process as follows. Bootom line is you loose both ways you either can't get anything done in the house or you are the bad guy who doesn't listen or thinks his wife is dumb. I'm dealing with two things at the moment one is a possible ADHD diagnosis for d15 the other is a desk and shelving arrangement in s13's bedroom to help him study more easily  (another Ikea problem). In both cases I'm doing research seeking out other opinions and sharing with BPDw as I go. In both case she has found negative aspects, blown them out of proportion and seemingly tried to use those things as a road block. I use a bit of SET but not too much as my frustration levels start ramping up & I try & take on board the "objections" though most of the time I have already thought about them. I think the behaviour is because she feels powerless in some way. On the other hand these are important issues, she hasn't doen anyhting about them herself so I need to keep pressing on. If BPDw is road blocking for the hell of it then I can't let it stand in the way & if I'm the bad guy so be it. I don't quite get the value and boundary thing yet but I think it's a case of me putting my values first (helping the kids) and that helps set up a boundary, BPDw is still being a pain about it but that's her problem not mine.

Looking at things from the outside you are the one who is doing the Ikea research so whatever ideas you come up with are going to be pretty well thought out & you will have done a good job with it. I think if you have that clear in your mind then you can use whatever techniques like SET are going to make your life easier.