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Author Topic: Help - How to respond to my uBPDw  (Read 377 times)
Fanie
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Life Partners
Posts: 181



« on: June 24, 2014, 02:14:14 AM »

Quick history:

Married 10 years, 2 kiddos 5 and 3

Had lots of problems since December last year, cheating, drinking badly

things cooled down somewhat since May 2014 and we had some peace

almost normal

Until this past weekend :'(

She left AGAIN with 2 of her friends binge drinking after lying to me

I confronted her before she left, telling her "to stop deceiving me"

Sunday of course she was dead quiet the whole day

she was cleaning the house all day

(I believe she is feeling rather (big) guilt in what she had done)

A few weeks back she texted me from the "party" in the middle of the night:

"I don't know why am I doing this to myself"

and I was cleaning outside and the cars outside

Sunday night she took the boy to sleep with her in the bed

as he was somewhat sick (tonsillitis)

I slept on the couch

Yesterday I send her a text:

"I pray, that we can be a family that lives for each other ... .

coz I love you so dearly ... . and wish for us to be a cuddly,

loving family... . "

Last night she "defrosted" a little, and also this morning gave

me  few "one liners"

My request for help is ... .

that I wish to built on yesterdays text that I send to her

Now I need your help

I don't really know what to say

Was thinking of something like this, but don't know

if it will be ok:

"Knowing you for so long, I guess I known you best than everybody else,

I know that you are in pain (Is she?) and want you to know that I am

always there for you"


I saw this example somewhere on the boards

I just worried if she is (and according to most posts) that is

what's happening to BPD's, that they are in emotional pain ?

HELP NEEDED PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE





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Fanie
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Life Partners
Posts: 181



« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2014, 12:33:04 PM »

I send it ... .

God be guiding the text ... .
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JohnLove
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 571



« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2014, 07:21:37 PM »

Fanie... . honestly from reading your post it doesn't look good.

You want a loving relationship. She seems to be doing the opposite.

I would send the text. It would be well received by a person without BPD. I can't predict how it will be received in your relationship.

Do you think employing a boundary might help?. The drinking (with BPD) never tends to end well. If it was my relationship (it is but isn't) I would be outlaying a few things that are and are not acceptable in a soft and cuddly type of relationship. If that's what you want. You have to make yourself perfectly clear when your SO can actually hear you or is receptive.

Maybe she already knows exactly what you want?. Is that why she's being deceptive?.

I had a feeling in regard to the text from the party in the middle of the night. I don't know if it's correct. I think it is a realisation on her part. I don't know if she is reaching out to you or if it is manipulation.

I believe pwBPD are in emotional pain... . but it may not be resolved in the same way you or I might relieve it. This is part of the disorder. I think their "emotional pain" can be overwhelming as it is seemingly "amplified" by the disorder.

Read through the tools on this site. Not just once. It takes quite a bit of effort to use them effectively.

Best wishes... .
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Fanie
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Life Partners
Posts: 181



« Reply #3 on: June 25, 2014, 01:29:58 AM »

JL

Things are hectic (for many years - (but improving (for now))  Smiling (click to insert in post)

As I believe its improving especially after the first message

I then send the second one yesterday .

She was little more "defrosted" meaning more one-liners

"Knowing you the very best of everybody, I know that you are having a hard time (didn't say in pain)

and want you to know that i'm here for you - you only need to reach out"

[How would she interpret this text?]

She did not reply (obviously)

We are still on one liners, mainly regarding the children

(shes not the verbally abusive type - she goes into silent mode)

Where to go now ... .

What else can I say ... .

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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2014, 12:37:01 AM »

Not sure exactly where you are... . but it sounds like your wife is giving you semi-silent treatment.

My advice on that is two-fold:

1. Find things to do that feel good and productive for you and don't involve your wife. Generally take care of yourself.

After a bit of this, you will (hopefully) be feeling better, and not be so upset/angry/etc. with your wife. That leaves you room for:

2. Occasional friendly "touches", reaching out in a small way with something kind or friendly... . communicating through example that you aren't mad, surly, blaming her, judging her, etc... . that it is safe for her to connect with you on your side.

I'd also advise against trying to solve large relationship problems by text message if possible. Best to do that in a face-to-face conversation.
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Stalwart
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 333



« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2014, 10:45:16 AM »

I don't know fanie but if you just want to smooth over the problem it seems like you're heading in the right direction.

I like you have had to deal with infidelity once in the past. I would be more inclined to ensure there are good boundaries set with going out drinking etc... .

Smoothing things over without enforcing boundaries to protect what's right in a relationship just seems to give permission to break boundaries.

One thing for certain my wife now respects the boundaries on trust and understands she has an obligation after everything that happened to ensure I know where she is. On the other side of the token I have always left a message or note since we met because I always felt it was just proper that we both know what's up and where eachother are and that everything's OK. Up until the affair issue it was never a matter of lack of trust just out of respect. The affair I can say changed that forever, I'd love to be able to totally trust and she swears it would never happen again but, once bitten, twice shy.
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