She quit DBT group (again)

[maxsterling]

I've mentioned that the last 6 weeks have been very difficult with the self harm/suicidal language and persistent extreme depression.  There were periods it was so bad I felt I should be forcing her to go to the hospital.  And inevitably, there would be what I thought was rock bottom, she would snap out of it long enough to do something different for herself, and have a slightly more positive outlook for a few days.  One of those days came a few weeks ago when at her lowest, she called and found free therapy services, including a DBT and PTSD groups.  She had been involved with both groups before.  The PTSD she quit last summer after getting into a fight with the therapist.  The DBT group she didn't do her homework and didn't show up for two weeks in a row, and was kicked out. 

So last week she was let back in, and Wednesday was her first group session.  Today she sent me a text "I quit group".  I haven't responded.

GRR.  My emotions?  I feel like snapping back and saying, "okay, well, what are you going to do to help yourself fell better then?  I don't want to have to take you to the hospital."  I feel like her sticking with some kind of therapy is a REQUIREMENT for me to continue in this relationship.  Yet I also feel that if I try to set a boundary on this, it will feel like an ultimatum to her (and it would be), she will rage, and I might as well just end it. 

My emotions are quite angry and frustrated right now.  I think I should let them calm before I respond.   I'm thinking of responding like this:

"I understand how you feel like the group therapy is not doing you any help.  Ultimately it's up to you to decide what works and doesn't work for you because you know yourself better than anyone else.  I've been extremely worried about you lately, and had heard good things about DBT in dealing with depression and anxiety issues.  I'm hopeful that you will find something else that will work for you better."

Thoughts?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

My thought is that pressuring her to get therapy mostly comes out as being invalidating, which fuels the fire of this mental disorder... . driving worse behavior on her part.

Has she not heard 100 times from you that this would help her already? Saying it one more time won't make the lightbulb go on inside her head and change her mind.

Just keep on using the tools you've learned here the best you can, and take good care of yourself.   

If you can manage some honest curiosity about why she quit the DBT group--from the perspective of simply wondering what is motivating her... . avoiding any ulterior motives of "correcting her messed up thinking", asking her about it might be validating.

I feel like her sticking with some kind of therapy is a REQUIREMENT for me to continue in this relationship.  Yet I also feel that if I try to set a boundary on this, it will feel like an ultimatum to her (and it would be), she will rage, and I might as well just end it.

The boundary enforcement would be ending your r/s because she isn't in therapy. (protects you)

The ultimatum is telling her that you will end the r/s unless she is in therapy. (attempt to control her)

I'd suggest you set your requirement to be better behavior on her part (which therapy could help her achieve). Consider this: She could attend T, but still treat you just as badly, perhaps because she isn't really engaging with it or working on it.

What are your limits for staying in the r/s?

[maxsterling]

Grey Kitty -

She says she wanted to quit because she didn't feel the DBT format was effective, something about it being all of one kind of process and not any of another kind of process - not structured enough was my interpretation.  That may be true, as she knows more about it than I do.  But, I suspect the real reasons she quit are:

- lack of motivation to do *anything* on her own.

- knowing the therapy means less times she has with me during one night of the week.  She doesn't want to go anywhere if she knows I will be at home.

- perhaps not wanting me to have time without her (I sometimes will go out with friends when she does other things and she may not like that)

- And perhaps my main suspicion - she is scared of examining herself and doing the work.  She's not yet willing to give up her coping mechanism of blaming others.

But as you stated, that's really not up for me to decipher.  I don't have the energy to do it, and whatever her reason really doesn't matter.  She doesn't want to go, end of story, and there's nothing I can do to change that.  Sure, I could force her to go, and she would physically be there but not mentally.

I think you are right to focus on behaviors and my limits.  Whether she goes to DBT group or not is irrelevant.  What's important is that the hurtful behavior changes.  It doesn't matter by what means, the end result is what matters. 

I think I need to think long and hard about what my limits are.  I think at the most basic level it has to be that I will no longer be present for abuse.  At that point, leave it up to her whether or not she wants to change, and is so by what means she wants to do it.  I think I have spent too much exhausting energy trying to alter my behavior for the purpose of preserving a relationship or for the purpose of trying to help her.  I really should not worry about preserving a relationship, but instead should focus on preserving me, and if the r/s comes along with me, great, and if not there is nothing I can do.

[Grey Kitty]

I really should not worry about preserving a relationship, but instead should focus on preserving me, and if the r/s comes along with me, great, and if not there is nothing I can do.

Agreed. Focus on taking good care of yourself. If you are healthy enough, put some energy into supporting her (not enabling her).

No relationship is more important than the two people in it.

[waverider]

Just to reinforce the concept that boundaries are about how she acts towards you rather than around what she does. The methods she uses to manage her behavior towards you are her choices to make.