Great while it lasted

[CPWUSAF33]

What a coincidence... . I have not been on here for a long time.  I have had a wonderful month.  My uBPDw was in a great mood for nearly a month.  It was awesome... .   It was the longest she has ever gone without blowing up.  I literally thought it was a miracle.  I actually didn't know how to handle the bliss at first.

... . and then tonight.  I got frustrated because she couldn't figure out how to use the remote to the new HDMI TV.  I was out of line I admit.  I should have been more patient.  But, wow--she really snapped to one of the worst spells ever.  She started throwing all the electronic equipment and told me we should divorce because I think she is too stupid to learn technology.  And it got worse from there--it is awful and I feel so horrible--if only I could have that moment back.

... . and after a month of awesome joy, I'm once again in despair.  As usual I did do something wrong; but, not enough to warrant such behavior.  I know you all know what I'm talking about.

I just needed to vent. 

Sorry I haven't been on here in awhile also.  I will try to contribute more and help where I can.

Peace be with all of you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Samuel S.]

As for what incited her, it might be a good idea to apologize not only verbally, but also to do something that would be very pleasing to her, if you have not done so already.

No matter what you do, she would find something that would aggravate her in order to create an argument. I know all too well that I cannot please my BPDw enough. She will always find something to be aggravated about, whether it is I, family, friends, or her co-workers. It as though our BPDs cannot live with happiness and acceptance.

Getting back to your situation, I am sorry that happened. Let's hope that she settles down. Take care, my friend, and hang in there! 

[CPWUSAF33]

Thanks Samuel for replying.  Yes, I did apologize; but, it was not well received.  She has locked herself into our spare bedroom and has shut me out completely.  While I have suffered from times like these with my uBPDw (Married 39 years--became BPD about 15 years ago), this is much harder to take since we just completed a rare MONTH with no episode.  I was even thinking she was miracoulously cured! 

I let my guard down and let my frustration get the best of me and here I am--it's deja-vu all over again.

I cannot concentrate on my work or anything.  I feel so bad for what I did and I have no solution on how to improve the situation.  I feel like it will be a long-long time before she speaks to me again.  She has given me the "silent treatment" for long periods of time before; but, I have a feeling this will be the record since in all other instances, I did something really minor or nothing at all.  But, this time it is clear to me, I am the culprit.

I am feeling quite depressed and hopless right now... . Thanks for listening... .

[maxsterling]

Sorry to hear of your struggles, CPWUSAF33.

I know too well what it feels like to screw up, face an over-the-top reaction, want to make things right, but can't.  I will ask you this - re-examine exactly what you did wrong, and how you would do it differently.  We all get frustrated at times.  I find that when I examine my behavior, I really did nothing that a simple apology should not cover.  I only think I am a monster because of her unequal reaction.  I also suggest only apologizing on a level appropriate to the action, not to the level of her reaction, and leave the rest up to her.  Continually apologizing and trying to make up for thing only causes her to move the goalposts and hurt you worse in the long run. 

Stinks to be dealing with this.  Do your best to take care of you.

[formflier]

Sorry to hear of your struggles, CPWUSAF33.

I know too well what it feels like to screw up, face an over-the-top reaction, want to make things right, but can't.  I will ask you this - re-examine exactly what you did wrong, and how you would do it differently.  We all get frustrated at times.  I find that when I examine my behavior, I really did nothing that a simple apology should not cover.  I only think I am a monster because of her unequal reaction.  I also suggest only apologizing on a level appropriate to the action, not to the level of her reaction, and leave the rest up to her.  Continually apologizing and trying to make up for thing only causes her to move the goalposts and hurt you worse in the long run. 

Stinks to be dealing with this.  Do your best to take care of you.

I'm going to go with Max on this one... . apologize for what you did and move on.

I think a gesture of love might be in order... . but don't tie it or acknowledge that it has to do with what you did.

[CPWUSAF33]

Thanks maxsterling and formfiler... .

I did exactly as you have advised.  The hard part is moving on.  I always have a hard time with that... .

Well at least I know it will be quiet in the house tonight... .   You won't be able to cut through the tension with a chain saw; but, it will be quiet... .

[formflier]

Thanks maxsterling and formfiler... .

I did exactly as you have advised.  The hard part is moving on.  I always have a hard time with that... .

Well at least I know it will be quiet in the house tonight... .   You won't be able to cut through the tension with a chain saw; but, it will be quiet... .

I think that it would be appropriate to try to do some nice things... . the trick is to not come off as a smart@ss.  I had trouble with this.

So... . take in a cold glass of icewater.  Say something about the weather being hot... .

If there is a pleasant response... . be ready to go with it... . if it's a snarl... be pleasant and move on.

One of the odd things for me was figuring out when the dysregulation is over.  I'm sure I have stayed away or avoided things for far too long sometimes.

I still haven't figured this out for sure.

Let us know how it goes.

[CPWUSAF33]

Formfiler:

I did exactly that last night.  She was cleaning her sewing room, so I took care of the kitchen and told her I would water her plants so she could continue doing what she was working on.  I did that and more (of course I usually always help her--I just thought I'd let her know so she wouldn't have to worry about anything and could continue uninterrupted).  She just looked at me like she would kill me if she had a gun and mumbled "who cares" under her breath.  And then slammed the door.  I guess that would be the "snarl" response you were talking about.

[Veronykah]

This is something I have wondered since it seems a lot of people's SO gets over it quickly. Mine doesn't respond to ANY niceties, ever. He is mad and will stay that way until he is finished, it has been weeks before.

When he is Mr. Hyde there is NOTHING I can do to fix it. Doing something nice would just get more anger.

[wilsonian]

cpwusaf33... I just went through exactly the same thing... . I know how bad you feel but you gotta remember its ok... she has been this way before and you are both still together... I do what I call hit the reset button and just start the trend over again and hope and pray for a longer one... . and man I know that feeling when that one thing slips out of your mouth and your whole inside and stomach just feels like it dropped down... But you know if was an average situation with a average person you may get a sarcastic remark back not a full rage but our relationships aren't average... . which in the good trends is a pretty awesome thing... . just think back on the great month you had and work on another one but this time go for two months... .

[formflier]

Formfiler:

I did exactly that last night.  She was cleaning her sewing room, so I took care of the kitchen and told her I would water her plants so she could continue doing what she was working on.  I did that and more (of course I usually always help her--I just thought I'd let her know so she wouldn't have to worry about anything and could continue uninterrupted).  She just looked at me like she would kill me if she had a gun and mumbled "who cares" under her breath.  And then slammed the door.  I guess that would be the "snarl" response you were talking about.

Now... . this is some of my personality coming in... . so think this through before you apply this.

Before I would go through that much effort... . "kitchen and plant watering" (seems like real work to me)... . I would test the waters.

Glass of water is always a nice gesture... especially when someone is working.  Then I would follow up with "hey honey would you like me to work on kitchen or water the plants to help you"...

If you get a snarl... "Sorry you feel that way... . I'm going to go for a walk to relax if you would like to join me... "  Don't wait for a response... . just head off... . enjoy walk.  If she comes... she comes... . and don't touch the kitchen or the plants.

Now... . if kitchen is "normal" for you to do... . then I could see skipping doing that is "punishing" her for bad behavior... . I don't think that is recommended.  But... . you don't want to reinforce bad behavior...

She snarls... . you try to make her nice by doing extra work... . she still snarls... . you are out all the wasted effort.

In general... . doing something to "make" a pwBPD feel differently is a loosing strategy.

Hope this helps and hang in there.

Anyone else with thoughts or critiques on this strategy?

[maxsterling]

formflier -

I agree with that strategy, because it seems to agree with what I have experienced and observed with my BPDgf.  Actually, I do this to some extent already.  When she is in an emotional state and I don't know what it is, I will often ask if she would like some water while I am up.  And her response tells me whether she is receptive to further communication, or whether I should stay the hell away.

The reason I think this is a good approach - in a relationship with a pwBPD, you are going to face numerous no-win situations.  It's probably best to figure out if you are in one of those situations before you take action that is either completely wasted or that makes the situation worse.  I'm slowly learning this.  I've previously spent much time and effort trying to do "nice" things for her in attempt to get her to be "nice" to me.  Either one of the following happens:

1) She interprets my nice gesture as a proof of my guilt (I have then validated the invalid).  Situation gets worse.

2) she may view the nice gesture as patronizing (I have invalidated her).  Situation gets worse.

3) the nice gesture brings out her internal shame (she invalidates herself).  Situation gets neither better or worse, but usually then goes from being stomping mad to self hatred/suicide language.

4) I waste time and money on a fix that solves nothing in the long run. She's still unhappy.  Situation unchanged. 

5)  Her mood actually improves.  Situation gets better.

Best to figure out first if the chance of #5 happening is even possible before spending much time and effort and winding up more hurt or rejected.

[formflier]

 

Exactly... .

In the past I have sometimes waited to long... . and when you approach uBPDw... . and maybe ask if everything is ok... . they are happy and act like they have no idea what you are talking about or why you would ask if everything is ok.  Of course you never get a direct answer.

[BadKitty]

I also say just wait it out. It is the hardest thing to do but it seems to be the only thing that works for me.

From time to time I will just try to have a normal conversation about something like the weather or maybe ask him about how his favorite hobby is coming along, like nothing ever happened. Usually if he continues the conversation I then know everything will be alright. If I get a one word answer or I can tell he's not wanting to talk then I will back off and try again later.

[CPWUSAF33]

Instead of replying to each post, I'll just say thank-you to all of you.  While many of the responses and suggestions are different, I understand them all.  That's what is great about this forum.  Anyone that has not experienced living with a BPD SO would not be able to empathize with us... . When I read the posts on here, they are always so "been there done that, got the T-shirt" moments.

As far as my situation, I will say it is extremely is rare that any added nicities improve the situation; but, I will always try.  Even at the risk of making things worse--I still believe it is never wrong to do the right thing.  But, as all of you know, doing the right thing seldom produces positive results.

Typically, I just have to wait it out--however, that is not easy.  Even though I've read all about BPD, it still seems during the times I am being "painted black" that it is permanant.  I mean if I was as bad as she perceives me to be during an "episode" then it would make sense for her not to want to stay in a relationship with such a horrible person as me.  I know I am not the horrible person that she is painting; however, to her right now I am that person... .   How can they all of a sudden go the other way? 

What is scary is that while the episode of bliss was a world record, I do have a feeling this will be a world record long abandonment.  After all this time I really did screw up more than ever.