My BPDw says she is better than I am

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw has gone through many different phases of saying "this is the way. This is the best. (To me) You aren't doing correctly. I am better than you are." She's thought a group counseling was the ideal, saying that she was right and that I am wrong. She did the same thing with Pilates, Myofascial Release Therapy, and other things, too. Believe me, I was enthusiastic about each of them, although I was not being good enough. Now, she is studying acupuncture, and she is full force into that. While I don't mind these different phases that she has gone through, it really has hurt me that she starts labeling me as being wrong while she is better. All the while, she is still a hurt child inside. So, while I accept her latest venture fully for her, she is still hurt inside, she still is negative, and we are still not close.

By the way, I have my own thing, including teaching, publishing books, giving workshops, with me getting a "that's nice" and never once reading any of my books.

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[Blimblam]

dang Im sorry sam.

You must be extremely patient and have a big heart.

does the idealization phase ever recycle?

[Samuel S.]

Blimbam, yeah, I am extremely patient. In fact, I would say I am almost too patient. Yeah, thank you for also validating me for having a big heart. I am not bragging. I have always had the philosophy that where there is life, there is hope. Being how I am has helped me out a lot when it comes to giving to others and to helping others both personally and professionally. Yet, I feel like I am hitting my head against the wall and getting nowhere quickly with my BPDw who really has an inferiority complex, thus wanting to make herself feel superior to everyone.

In the meantime, I am happy with my teaching, publishing books, and giving workshops. These things are my saving grace, if you will. If I didn't, well, I hate to think of it, but I would go crazy.

[maxsterling]

I know the feeling   Quick question - has your wife been diagnosed BPD?  I had an ex girlfriend who acted just like that whom I suspected of NPD, but had the BPD characteristics, too.   It was just so infuriating.  All I wanted was to have peaceful and respectful companionship, but most of what came out of her mouth was "You should... . " or "Why don't you... . "  I remember her saying things like "I need to have only the best things," and "when I eat lunch it has to be gourmet."

[Samuel S.]

No, my BPDw has never been diagnosed for BPD; however, she found a medium-counselor who has resolved some of her grief. Her D7 about 15 years ago died of a mosquito bite. That within itself would be tragic for anyone. Also, due to my BPDw's previous issues from an extremely abusive mother, my BPDw has made just a little bit of progress, but even with her 10 years of counseling with this medium and some other traditional and non-traditional therapies before this medium, she still plays the "poor me" role and will verbally attack anyone and everyone.

Indeed, it is so infuriating with a BPD's need and desire to lash out onto others! Yet, if someone lashes out onto them or if they disagree with another person's views, they will take them out of their lives by not associating with them at all. If only others would know what our BPDs are like and what they say about others. I am reminded of a "Twilight Zone" episode where an extremely prejudiced man's prejudices work against him. Indeed, like this character, our BPDs can isolate themselves so that they can feel superior and try to make us or make us feel inferior.

[Samuel S.]

Within the last half hour, my BPDw came back from work somewhat stressed. A parenthesis: I am about 10 or 15 pounds overweight. She bought some bananas which I would eat about 1 a day, but I decided not eat anymore. The bananas are for her and her D17. She said that I obviously am overweight. I could have made a big fuss about her not being sensitive to me, but you need to know I did not have this extra weight until after she became abusive with me. So, I did not say anything at all. Then, I just left the room. A couple of minutes later, she came into my room to get ready to shower. She looked rather tired and worn out. I said that she is tired and worn out, but she has the rest of today and tomorrow to rest. She usually has a retort to everything, but she just looked at me and walked away.

Her need to be grumpy and to remain grumpy is her need and not mine. I validate her and help her to the max around here, including doing shopping, laundry, listening to her, etc.

Even if I do lose the weight, as we all have experienced, my BPDw will complain, anyway. So, damm if I do, and damm if I don't. UGH!

[Samuel S.]

I forgot to mention that my BPDw's mother was in the hospital for several days this last week. Previously, she had a part of her colon removed, but she started vomitting and not having digestion for 4 or 5 days. My BPDw started saying that her mother deserved to be in the hospital due to the abuse that she inflicted on her kids, etc. It turns out that her mother is fine and is out the hospital. When my BPDw mildly mentioned this to me, instead of being relieved, it was as if she was not relieved, that she wanted her mother to remain in the hospital and frankly to die. I was much happier than she was, and she didn't retort at all. She really hates her mother. I can understand her anger, but her mother has done everything in her power to reconcile with the family, and it has paid off, except for my BPDw.

[Samuel S.]

Well, I guess I can't be around my BPDw and her D17 much. Her D17 is a typical teenager acting like if she were the queen of the world, that I shouldn't even talk with her, and she will not say anything to me, until she feels quite excited about something. You could say it's hormonal. Well, it's basically 24-7. My BPDw today decided to do some studying, but got on my case about eating better which I do about 75% of the time. BTW, I also exercise 4 to 5 times a week as well. So, she has been giving little digs here and there, is frustrated about her mother and her health.

When I shared that I got a great review of a manuscript that I have submitted to my publisher, my BPDw said mildly and not even looking at me at all: "That's nice." Then, she immediately went onto her own complaining.

The 2 of them are extremely communicative with one another all the time. It's as if I were a fly on the wall. Believe me, I have loved and respected them a lot, but I am feeling terribly used and abused.

So, I am dealing with a queen of the world D17 with a good possibility of being BPD herself and a BPDw who likes to feel superior.

While I am supposed to validate, not judge, not argue, etc., I guess I am supposed to take it all in, or if at all possible, just simply leave the room. I left the room many a time today, but it still doesn't make me feel any better. They both feel they are superior.

Anyone else the focus of such abusive behavior?

[Samuel S.]

I am really very upset today! After 4 or 5 days of constantly making comments to me  needing to eat healthier things and to exercise both of which I am doing, I thought my BPDw understood that I am doing those things. Granted, it looks like I have a little bit of a stomach, but she even admits that could just be my metabolism.

So, this morning, I was about to go out to do some errands, and she brought up her desire to help me eat healthier things and also emphasized that I should exercise more strenuously. I said that I appreciate all that she has done for me and for her D17. I also said that I am doing those things. Then, she said that I should not be defensive. In other words, I should just shut up and let her continue hammering me away. Thus, I can become a "Stepford Husband". By the way, she was continuously abused physically, verbally, and emotionally by her mother. Yeah, my BPDw is doing the same things to me that her mother did to her, but that can be a typical consequence.

Yeah, I am not supposed to be defensive according to JADE described on this website, but when I get constantly hammered with this instead of her ability to listen and to understand what I am doing and it is taken as being defensive that she herself would approve of, this is just another way for her to start an argument until she has exhausted herself on the subject.

To top it all off, her D17 is being bratty, stuck up, and doesn't relate to me, unless she is happy about something or if I talk with her. Yeah, my BPDw and her D17 are the queens of the world who only wish to see me and anyone else who do not believe in their negativity be degraded in every conceivable way not in person, but behind their back.

Couple counseling is out of the question, because my BPDw says she has too many issues that she needs to deal with. That, I agree with completely!

So, that leaves me feeling isolated here. My BPDw hammers me away so that she can control. Her D17 obviously is like her mother, except younger. I guess individual counseling is the best for me, but it certainly does not seem to mean that it is going to make a difference. Yeah, I know change has to begin from within. Yet, with this negativity around me, it makes me want to leave her completely and right now. The change that she professes that I supposedly am not doing which I actually am doing will not be enough. She will find something else to be negative and controlling about. She has proven that time and time again.

In other words, my days have been completely ruined by these 2 queens of the world, no matter how much I validate and no matter how much I have been quiet or not.

[Samuel S.]

I guess my BPDw felt some guilt about what has happened with her hammering of me. She bought me a plastic container so that I can put food in it while I am out and about. I thanked her for it, and I will use it. Reflecting on how her mother basically has done the same thing with her and considering how my BPDw feels negatively about her mother, I can see all too well how she tries to compensate for her hammering by buying me out, if you will. What about all the other horrid times that she was so verbally abusive and she never once tried to buy me out or apologize? Yeah, I won't deny her gift, but the hurt and the hate still exist.

How do you folks deal with the hurt and the hate that you feel, even after following all the steps of this website?