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Author Topic: Knocked sideways again...  (Read 377 times)
Ceruleanblue
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« on: June 26, 2014, 01:10:27 AM »

Tonight was horrible. uBPDh is again threatening divorce, and said the most hateful things about me. He says it's "too hard", and he acts like there are too many things wrong with me. Which is hilarious, because I consider my biggest issue, to be HIM.

I've had tons of therapy, and before I met him, I felt pretty good. I like who I am, and I'm proud of the kind of person I am. I'd worked on my own issues, and felt ready to share my life with someone. Now, after being with him for three years, you'd think if you just heard him, that I'm an awful person. The list of adjectives he uses to describe me are ugly: insecure(not true), vindictive, mean, pathetic, nagging, petty, childish... . it's a long list.

Then he tells me that he doesn't even think I can fix all the things wrong with me. He told me tonight that I "didn't obey him" a few days ago. What man in this day and age says that crap, and lives to tell about it? He tells me he doesn't want me to have feelings and to keep my opinions to myself. How do I do that? It's like he wants me to be a non person, who has no needs. All he wants is a puppet who wants to have kinky sex with him.

He cares way more about his kids, than he ever does me. His kids are grown, and have caused immense trouble, yet I get all the blame. I've kept trying with all of them, even though they've been horrid, but it's never enough for him or them. Now uBPDh expects me to go to therapy with his daughter(now to include her husband), so they can talk to me. They refuse to be around me any other way, and have said I can't be around their child. No reason at all for that, other than that they are hateful, control freaks.

I feel like I'm willing to stay with a crazy person, and HE wants to threaten me and walk out? I'm always trying to build him up, but he does nothing but criticize me and knock me down. He listed about 20 things tonight that he feels are wrong with me. No mention of anything he has done, or his kids have been allowed to do(he has zero boundaries).

Does anyone ever question how feasible and good for you it is to stay with someone who has BPD, but is in denial? I feel I'm his constant victim. I feel like the cost of this is becoming really high for me. I learned to distance or walk away, so he ramps up the threats and hatred and blame. We'd had a few good days, but he came home from therapy, and it was all downhill. His therapist gives him the worst ideas, and she actually does more damage than good. He's been seeing her for three years, and he's gotten way worse, and I feel she enables him, and doesn't call him on his crap.

At least his family doctor seems to have seen through all this, and gave him something typically prescribed for BPD. And he said three years in therapy with no results is obviously not working. I'm hoping the drugs help, but I'm afraid my husband is an extreme case.

I'm so sad, and scared tonight, and I hadn't been like that in quite a while.
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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
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maxsterling
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Relationship status: living together, engaged
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« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2014, 02:18:58 AM »

Wow, Cerulean - I'm a little worried for you tonight.  Worried because I have been in the same place, and know how miserable you must feel.  I've been called all of what you mentioned and then some.  And the ways she used those words just dig at the very core of me.

I'm like you - spent a lot of time working on myself before I felt ready to be with someone else.  I finally felt I truly loved myself, seemed to have gotten over childhood insecurities and shyness.  And along comes BPDgf, who somehow knew exactly how to re-open those old wounds.  And while the abuse is at a much lower level lately, the wounds are still fresh and it doesn't take but a hint of sarcasm or a raised voice from her and I feel like climbing into a corner. 

About all I can suggest is the knowledge that it is *all* projection.  What he is saying about you is deep down the way he feels about himself.  That doesn't really make the words hurt less (especially in the moment), but it is at least some kind of reassurance that what he says does not make you what you are.  My advice for the next time this happens is to high tail it out of there the second the abuse starts, and if you come back and it starts again, leave again.  And if he decides to leave as he claims - exactly what have you lost?  You can't stop him from abusing you, but you can remove yourself from it.

Sorry if my post is a little incoherent.  I'm up late because I couldn't sleep because my own painful memories of abuse and hurt and worry keep running through my head.   I will add that my girlfriend is diagnosed, admits her behavior is bad, and does seek treatment, yet still resorts to blaming me, name calling, screaming, and abuse.  I think she is still wanting some magical fix rather than do the work.  She got back into DBT group therapy last week and I was hopeful.  Tonight she says she quit.  So even if your H did get diagnosed, and did get proper treatment, there's still no guarantee.   

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Jacq189

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« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2014, 02:48:02 AM »

Hi Ceruleanblue,

I wanted to reach out to you because I know the exact place you are in right now... . And it sucks. It is horrible when they start to turn on you like that and you get the verbal diarrhoea directed your way. It can be said so much easier than it can be done to just tune out and not react when the attack comes in such a personal way. But alas, that is the best way to deal with a pwBPD.

You know who you are and what you are not. Right now you really need to hold onto that thought. Try to remember that in reality your hubby also knows these things. Unfortunately you are the nearest and easiest target to cop it when he needs to vent. I have spent many years trying to learn how to dodge those attacks form my uBPDgf and still struggle to not take it personally when I do become the target. It is SO HARD not to want to defend yourself from such outrageous acusations and foul language. But as soon as you do it gets a hundred times worse. My partner seems to feed off being as hurtful as is humanly possible so over the years as her insults have become progressively worse. As she stopped getting a reaction out of me for one thing she would find something even worse to say the next time. To be honest I don't even know if she could possibly top her latest of accusing me of sleeping with my own brother (In MUCH more colourful language)! I couldn't even look at her for a week after that came out her mouth.

So anyway I just wanted you to know you are not alone and try to switch off to the hurtful things he says. And definitely don't hold onto them in your own mind because none of it is true and none of it reflects how he truly feels about you.
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2014, 03:35:03 PM »

Thanks for much for your replies. I needed that today. I'm still reeling after last night, and now he says he wants to "talk" tonight, and he would give me zero reassurance that we'll stay together. I'm the nonBPD, and I'm the only one fighting for our marriage. He uses my fear of the marriage dissolving to control and emotionally terrorize me. It's cruel, which is why he does it, and he seems to enjoy me begging and pleading with him to "stay and work on our marriage".

My biggest issue is, he seems to believe so much of the garbage he says about me. I don't believe any of it, but it seems to be HIS reality. Which saddens me. I don't think he does think I'm a good person, or does notice how hard I try. His daughters have been awful to me, yet I still attend things. The other day I attended his daughter's wedding and his daughter overrode my husband's wish of not having a picture taken of just him and his ex. Then when we took them out a couple days later to celebrate, she left angry. He is blaming ME, for not "obeying" him, by just sitting quietly. I only said one sentence, but his is projecting his anger onto me. His daughter and her new husband were totally rude, condescending, cussed at my husband, and then left. He went from telling me he wasn't blaming me, he was upset at his daughter, to three days later blaming is ALL ON ME. His daughter got upset at her Dad, so how is this MY fault? It doesn't even make sense. This always happens with him, I'm the target.

I'm tired of being blamed for everything. His daughter acts like crap to him, and I'm to blame? That is insanity. He treats me horribly a lot, yet he always blames ME, and says I set him off. Like he should not learn any self control. I'm sure I do trigger him, but I seriously try not to. I'm not walking on eggshells, I'm walking on a landmine.

How do I deal with the talk tonight? He is going to probably give me the list of things I "have to change", or he'll leave. Last night I begged him to stay, that I'd do anything. Now today, I'm upset that I have to do that, in order to keep him. He should want to stay with me! I mean, he's the one who is hard to deal with and hard to live with. He rages, he projects, he blames, he's volatile, sometimes he used to be physically aggressive, he cusses he me out, and says hateful things to me... . yet HE wants ME to work on my "issue"?

ALL my issues are due to living with him. I'm reading the "Walking on Eggshells" book, and I'm textbook of someone who is living with a BPD partner. I'm past being suicidal, but it got that bad about 6 months ago. I tense up when he is about to come home, I fear his anger, I can't talk to him, I can't have any expectations of him other than anger. He tells me I'm negative, and I am in regards to his anger and his kids(due to how they've treated us), but it's actually HIM who is daily tearing me down. I try to build him up, tell him things I still love about him. It goes unnoticed, and I can't buy a compliment from him. He tells me to "keep my opinions to myself" and he says he doesn't care about my feelings. I can't stop having feelings or opinions.

I wanted a marriage where I counted too. Where my feelings and opinions mattered. What do I do tonight when he wants to talk about if we should divorce or work on our marriage? I want us to work out, I'm willing to accept that he is going to be BPD, but he can't or won't accept me, unless I change. I've already tried that, and it's killing me. He is never happy or notices when I do change. It's like he is setting me up to fail... .
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BadKitty
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« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2014, 07:49:16 PM »

I also have experienced what you are going through. It is devastating. I have been told, "You are never going to change. Why can't you just be like a normal woman!" I am thinking to myself, "If I was a normal woman, I would have left you already."

I know the anxiety of anticipating "the talk" must be killing you. I've been there. Hopefully he has had some time to realize that he can't change you, you are who you are and that's why he married you in the first place.

Easier said than done, but hang in there. Hugs to you.
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2014, 08:09:55 PM »

Yeah, it's almost 9:00p.m. and he is supposed to be "home" soon. I have not had enough security in this marriage to feel I really had a "home". What is sad, is that on our second date, I told uBPDh that they guy I'd broken up with was always threatening the relationship, and how badly that hurt me. Now, my uBPDh is doing the same thing.

My stomach is in knots, and I feel almost physically sick. Just like the above poster said, I do feel that any "normal" woman would have left my uBPDh. I am not a quitter, and I have a lot of compassion for him. I feel I can endure a lot, which is to his advantage, he just doesn't appreciate that.

He just pulled in the driveway. I'm sort of a mess. I feel like I'm going to be sick, and I'm super scared. I'm not going to grovel, at least I'm going to try not to... .
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BadKitty
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« Reply #6 on: June 26, 2014, 08:28:21 PM »

We all can endure a lot. That's is why we are here, after all. Good luck and let us know the results. We are here for you.
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2014, 02:26:53 AM »

Well, he only got angry a couple times during our talk, which is amazing for him. He mostly kept saying that he didn't think I could meet all his needs, and that he didn't want to keep hurting me. What I wanted, was not asked or considered at all, as usual. I think he was wanting me to beg him to "work this out" like I usually do. Then he tells me everything I need to do to please him. Now, he is just saying he doesn't think I can. And he lied to me again. He is now saying he is attending his daughter's baby shower(after he'd told me he wasn't), and she was just rude to him, and refuses to let my husband's family give her a shower. She says he has to attend the one where her MOM is. He told her that made him uncomfortable, but she stormed off mad. He always caves in to them, no matter how they treat him. He's so forgiving and loving with them, yet he is horrid to me.

I think he wants to leave the marriage because he has painted me black. He thinks he'll have his old life back with his adult kids, if he leaves me. He did say tonight that his kids' mother used to complain that all the wanted was to spend time with the kids, and he ignored her, so this has been an issue in both of his marriage. At least he acknowledges that. I just want to be on par with them. I want him to think wonderful things about ME, like he does them, and they don't even deserve it, they are MEAN, and almost definitely personality disordered.

Does uBPDh just want to scare me, or does he likely want out? He acted all pouty when I didn't beg, and when I just said, "fine, you know I want to make it work, but you've made up your mind". I've stuck by him through the physical abuse, the anger and rage, the constant drama and meanness from his grown kids, and he wants to leave ME?

He said right before he dozed off that he wants us to stay together, but does he mean that? Did he say it because he knows I'm scared? My Mom keeps saying he does this to control and scare me. It keeps me off balance. I was doing so much better dealing with the BPD aspects, until he ramped up the divorce threats. Until he made it clear, he is choosing his kids. I've tried hard to get along with his kids, but they won't even be around me now. They are doing this to control my uBPDh. They control him, he controls me.

I don't know what to think. My gut says he has threatened divorce so many times, but I fear one of these times, he'll mean it. For two days he has been telling me all the things I need to "work on", but he also tells me he doesn't think I can do it. And he also tells me all the things I'm to blame for, and everything he thinks I've done wrong.

My head is spinning.
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