Constant blame and rages...

[Depression = 72% of members]

It started early this morning. He got mad as soon as I woke up. The part I hate most about BPD is their need to lash out and hurt others. With uBPDh, it's just ME, he seems to need to hurt. I know it's been others in his past though. I just can't fathom why he thinks being so hateful and angry is okay? Don't they have some insight at all that this isn't okay? That this isn't normal behavior to get so angry, so fast, and so easily, over things that are not "anger worthy"? Do they ever have moments of recognition? I feel like maybe sometimes my husband does, or acts like he does, only to turn it back around to make it all my fault.

I am the one doing all the work. I am the one doing all the accepting. It isn't even just him, it's his four kids too, only one of whom is good to me(his son), the other three(grown girls) all clearly act personality disordered. So I have to accept that he will let them be hateful to me too, and then he blames me for that too. One time his daughter went crazy on me when I had them over for dinner, and he said nothing, until way after the fact. It was so out of the blue, even uBPDh who always defends them, at least admits how wrong and random it was. Why can't he see his kids get that from HIM, and his ex?

I want to make our marriage work, but why? He is cruel, very verbally abusive, has been physical(that has stopped), and yet he seems to have painted ME black? I get it when I read it on here, but actually living it is hard. His reality of me and my actions and motives is so skewed. It's like he looks for ways he can say I've failed. He says things I say are "ridiculous"... . which is funny, because no one has ever said I have skewed thinking. I'm a whole plethora of negative things to him. He just can't see any good in me anymore.

I know I'll never get the nice beginning back. I don't even have expectations of that(or much of anything anymore), but I'd like to think we could make what we have now some better. He went off his meds and seems in no hurry to go back on them. His doctor upped his dose, but he has yet to pick it up from the pharmacy. He has said we could do intensive couples therapy, but he claims it is too expensive.

He doesn't even seem to want me on the computer anymore, which is so hypocritical because he manages an IT department, and then comes home and zones out on his computer playing games while I'm lonely. I go for walks alone, or with my daughter, he stays behind on his computer. He is supposed to be walking to take off weight so he can stay on cheaper insurance, yet HE sits home at his computer. Yet I'm the one faulted for being online? I think over the last three days, I've come on here a couple times, but I'm been on the go doing and walking for exercise, and getting things done. He accuses me of what I see HIM doing. Is that projecting? I see where he feels I need to get out more, so I'll feel better, but it just ironic he said that on days I'd been online very little, yet had been on the go all day... .

He says I can't meet his needs, and he is tired of hurting me. He mocks me and belittles me, and he is no longer sorry after the way he used to be. How do you save a marriage with someone like this? He doesn't want to think he has BPD, but I can see he clearly does. I'm not threatening to leave him because of it, and I know most women would have left him and his blame and rages long ago, yet he seems to want out. He seems to want me to beg him, and I'm done that, but he is still enraged acting. I can see it under the surface waiting to spill out.

How do I most effectively deal with this? I feel like I'm going crazy, and I don't want to get that upset again. I was doing so much better. I can't let his anger and acting out effect me like that anymore.

[Ceruleanblue]

It started early this morning. He got mad as soon as I woke up. The part I hate most about BPD is their need to lash out and hurt others. With uBPDh, it's just ME, he seems to need to hurt. I know it's been others in his past though. I just can't fathom why he thinks being so hateful and angry is okay? Don't they have some insight at all that this isn't okay? That this isn't normal behavior to get so angry, so fast, and so easily, over things that are not "anger worthy"? Do they ever have moments of recognition? I feel like maybe sometimes my husband does, or acts like he does, only to turn it back around to make it all my fault.

I am the one doing all the work. I am the one doing all the accepting. It isn't even just him, it's his four kids too, only one of whom is good to me(his son), the other three(grown girls) all clearly act personality disordered. So I have to accept that he will let them be hateful to me too, and then he blames me for that too. One time his daughter went crazy on me when I had them over for dinner, and he said nothing, until way after the fact. It was so out of the blue, even uBPDh who always defends them, at least admits how wrong and random it was. Why can't he see his kids get that from HIM, and his ex?

I want to make our marriage work, but why? He is cruel, very verbally abusive, has been physical(that has stopped), and yet he seems to have painted ME black? I get it when I read it on here, but actually living it is hard. His reality of me and my actions and motives is so skewed. It's like he looks for ways he can say I've failed. He says things I say are "ridiculous"... . which is funny, because no one has ever said I have skewed thinking. I'm a whole plethora of negative things to him. He just can't see any good in me anymore.

I know I'll never get the nice beginning back. I don't even have expectations of that(or much of anything anymore), but I'd like to think we could make what we have now some better. He went off his meds and seems in no hurry to go back on them. His doctor upped his dose, but he has yet to pick it up from the pharmacy. He has said we could do intensive couples therapy, but he claims it is too expensive.

He doesn't even seem to want me on the computer anymore, which is so hypocritical because he manages an IT department, and then comes home and zones out on his computer playing games while I'm lonely. I go for walks alone, or with my daughter, he stays behind on his computer. He is supposed to be walking to take off weight so he can stay on cheaper insurance, yet HE sits home at his computer. Yet I'm the one faulted for being online? I think over the last three days, I've come on here a couple times, but I'm been on the go doing and walking for exercise, and getting things done. He accuses me of what I see HIM doing. Is that projecting? I see where he feels I need to get out more, so I'll feel better, but it just ironic he said that on days I'd been online very little, yet had been on the go all day... .

He says I can't meet his needs, and he is tired of hurting me. He mocks me and belittles me, and he is no longer sorry after the way he used to be. How do you save a marriage with someone like this? He doesn't want to think he has BPD, but I can see he clearly does. I'm not threatening to leave him because of it, and I know most women would have left him and his blame and rages long ago, yet he seems to want out. He seems to want me to beg him, and I'm done that, but he is still enraged acting. I can see it under the surface waiting to spill out.

How do I most effectively deal with this? I feel like I'm going crazy, and I don't want to get that upset again. I was doing so much better. I can't let his anger and acting out effect me like that anymore.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MrsDivia]

I know 110% where you are coming from. I have been abused by my uBPDh for years. Nothing I could do or not do, say or not say stops it.

What I do know is this - you KNOW exactly what is best for YOU but knowing and doing are two different things.

I try to remind myself that we have 1 life to live. Why be afraid to be happy?

Most things are really simple - we just make them complicated.

Best of luck and lots of 

[waverider]

I think you are correct in your assessment of the use of projection. he is projecting is issues onto you as a way of getting them out of himself.

You will need boundaries to avoid picking up them up. Not engaging or trying to explain yourself is the first step, if he continues, remove yourself. You dont have to allow yourself to be exposed to this.

Dont make threats or demands, just do what you think is right for you

Why does he do it? Because he can, and he gets away with it. Why should he change or learn to do anything different.

[Ceruleanblue]

I don't ever threaten him, or give him ultimatums, that is HIS favorite thing to do to me. I wouldn't do it to him because I find it highly disrespectful, and manipulative.

I'm getting much better at walking away, but it's almost like he caught on to that, and he'll say or do something totally outrageous that he knows will scare me, usually break up threats. It's sort of my Achilles heel, and he's caught on to that.

I agree with what was said about he does it because he can. He has no real desire to change his abusive behaviors, and this is his second marriage it's ruining. Oh, and his ex also complained about how he was disconnected from her, but hyper focused in on their kids. He is just repeating history, and he didn't learn a thing.