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Author Topic: Things they said that alerted you that they think differently  (Read 1983 times)
maxsterling
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« on: June 27, 2014, 12:34:12 PM »

I'm here taking a break at work, trying to keep my mind from racing to the negative.  Posting here helps.  Rather than dwell on the situation, and fear the inevitable weekend dysregulation, I thought it might be interesting to hear the things the pwBPD have said to you that made you realize that their emotions and thought processes are completely different from yours.  I'll start:

"Being in long term relationships is difficult because you are always worried about the other person leaving you."

Wow.  Quite telling!  I can't ever recall thinking that way.  When I am in a relationship, I have never worried about the other person leaving me. 

What kind of things has the pwBPD in your life said that made you realize their brain works completely different than yours?
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StayOrLeave15
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« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2014, 10:43:21 PM »

Here are a few I nipped in the bud she would say out loud, but I know she still thinks them:

"You don't love me."

"If I sense you're going to leave me I'll leave you first."

The one that is said out loud still, whenever she hurts me so badly and I tell her I am upset:

"You don't care about me.  All you care about is your feelings and you being hurt when I am the one you are really hurting."  <-- this is generally after I have done nothing or I have committed a minor infraction and her reaction is pure destruction to my self-esteem
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BadKitty
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« Reply #2 on: June 28, 2014, 07:02:03 PM »

"You don't love me."

"If you loved me, you would... . "

"If you don't know what you did wrong, then I shouldn't have to tell you."

"I am so scared of you right now!" - this is the one that made the light bulb go off in my head, realizing BPD.





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maxsterling
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« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2014, 08:01:19 PM »

I remember back last summer she told me her favorite book growing up was "Catcher in the Rye".  She says she owns 3-4 copies of it.  She remarked about how all teenagers love that book because they all hate the world and hate society.  Umm.  I couldn't get through that book because I couldn't relate to the main character. 
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JackBlacknBlue
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« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2014, 08:11:14 PM »

"you will leave me.  Everyone leaves me"

"you really hurt me.  You often do without even knowing it."

Out of nowhere one day, "I thought you were tired of me.  I thought you were done"
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Theo41
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« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2014, 01:18:03 AM »

It's not what she says but the Inconsistency and extreme swings between love and hate/distain/abusive behavior... . and also the inexplicable volatility.

My brother says:  "------- is like an emotional bomb waiting to explode you don't know when or why.The cause my be legitimate or fabricated... . but it will happen."

Regarding extreme swings between love and hate: it seems they have no 'governor.' Nornal folks temper what they say when they are angry or upset with a loved one ( it makes sense that you don't want to fundamentally damage this very important relationship.) BPD s act like they don't have a base emotional life, they jump from one feeling to another... . it's exteme/all or nothing. Total love or total hate.

I came to the conclusion years ago that my wife does not mean the hateful things she says to me when she is disregulated. While this realization helps sustain the relationship, it is not heathy for me to "eat the poison." having realized that, I have begun successfully setting boundries for myself around it. The bad behavior is diminishing but it would be unrealistic to think it will stop entirely . That doesn't even happen in normal relationships. Theo
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« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2014, 07:49:14 AM »

It's not what she says but the Inconsistency and extreme swings between love and hate/distain/abusive behavior... . and also the inexplicable volatility.

I agree with Theo completely. I wouldn't say it was one sentence or thought, but this (as Theo described) behavior. Another trait that clued me in was the lying. In particular, lying about very random things that most people would not lie about.
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formflier
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« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2014, 01:27:54 PM »

 

So... the scene is marriage counseling... very recently.  Discussion was about how compromise is a helpful tool in r/s.

The  most recent offense I was angry about was her taking kids out of state for couple days which prevented me from sticking with the family T "treatment plan" to help make things better between me and kids.  I asked for compromised and the position didn't move from when she informed me... until when she took the kids. 

So... . this was an unusually "regulated" counseling for her.  So... I asked her to describe how she compromised in that situation.  It was priceless... . I guarantee you it was quiet in the room for 60 seconds.  She started looking uncomfortable.  Then she claimed the compromise was her not leaving earlier... . (totally ignoring the fact that I didn't know about the trip... . and that compromise is not imposed... . it is mutually agreed upon)

So... . same MC.

After lots of discussion about feelings and empathy and how I would like my feelings considered in decisions.

We are now talking "theoretically" about how to have the next trip be a better compromise... . or where both parties think there is compromise.  In other words... . if she thinks there is compromise and I don't... . not a successful compromise. 

So... the question is posed to her how she could do it differently.  And her answer is that "I will try to INFORM him what we are going to do earlier... . "

Sigh... . I brought up that I would use the word "discuss" vice "inform"... . because discuss sounds a lot more flexible... . she huffed... . and grudgingly played along... .
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maxsterling
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« Reply #8 on: June 30, 2014, 03:24:51 PM »

I thought of another one.  About a year ago she was talking about why she wants to have a child.  She said that if she had a child the child would be bound to her forever and could not leave her.  In other words, she wants a child so that she will always have someone who loves her.

Yikes.  I remember telling that to my T, and my T practically fell off her chair.
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HopefulDad
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« Reply #9 on: June 30, 2014, 03:50:11 PM »

Nothing in particular, but in general how disagreements would get me labeled in absolutes ("You always... . ", "You never... . " and then the huge leaps to conclusions ("You don't love me.".

With our first MC, she kept harping on how I disrespected her during our disagreements.  When pressed by the MC to explain why she felt disrespected, it always came back to the fact we had a disagreement: In her mind, "disagreement = disrespect".  This I think was the first major flag raised that eventually lead to the BPD diagnosis.
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wilsonian
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« Reply #10 on: June 30, 2014, 03:51:23 PM »

Just leave then... . you know you want to leave!

You think I am being mean... . I can show you mean right now you are only seeing half what I did to my ex and children!

my fav... . Do this this way... drive here this way... . eat this this way... . talk this way... read this way... . etc etc etc etc etc .her way is always the best and only way...
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« Reply #11 on: June 30, 2014, 03:56:14 PM »

"I don't have a conscience." Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

"You don't love me as much as I love you." Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

"There are so many other things that are more important than you in my life." Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

"Your insecurity scares me because you will act on false assumptions about my behavior." Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

I could go on, but these were show stopping.
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« Reply #12 on: June 30, 2014, 04:03:54 PM »

"I don't have a conscience." Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

"You don't love me as much as I love you." Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

"There are so many other things that are more important than you in my life." Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

"Your insecurity scares me because you will act on false assumptions about my behavior." Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

I could go on, but these were show stopping.

Are these said during dysregulation... . or... . "normal"... . if there is such a time.

I'll hand it to you... . those are good ones... .
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« Reply #13 on: June 30, 2014, 04:13:14 PM »



Are these said during dysregulation... . or... . "normal"... . if there is such a time.

I'll hand it to you... . those are good ones... . [/quote]
Sadly, this was said during the 'normal' times. When he dysregulated, he was just downright abusive.
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #14 on: June 30, 2014, 04:14:18 PM »

Well, I don't have BPD, but I'm sure my husband does, but I've been guilty of saying to him that he doesn't love me. I truly feel he doesn't, based upon his actions, and lack of any self responsibility in how he treats me. I think a person can only be verbally(and a couple physical incidents) abused so long, and they start to think their partner doesn't love them. I don't think my husband can truly love anyone the way he loves his kids, or himself. From all the reading he is pretty textbook BPD, with strong narcissistic traits also.

The things he has said that raise huge red flags(and actually made my T think he could have Antisocial Personality):

"I don't want to hear about your feelings."

"Keep your damn opinions to yourself."

"You didn't obey me."

"You are mean, petty, and ridiculous." (this fits all situations with him)

"Stop b___ing at me, stop complaining" (as in don't address any needs or address his verbal abuse)
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maxsterling
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« Reply #15 on: June 30, 2014, 04:29:17 PM »

Wow.  I've quite literally heard word for word some of these things. "I don't want to hear about your feelings" and "you don't love me as much as I love you".

And this one:  "You think I am being mean... . I can show you mean right now you are only seeing half what I did to my ex and children!"  Yeah I heard that.  About how if I think she is being mean and nasty now, she's so much nicer to me than she was to her ex.  And yet she still calls him a horse's backside.

And telling me how to eat, drive, and walk, yup, yup, yup. 

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Hope26
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« Reply #16 on: June 30, 2014, 05:51:51 PM »

In the beginning, my uBPDh said "please don't leave me" at least once a week, and not during dysregulation.  He hardly ever says that anymore, so hopefully he's become more secure.  Two of his (three) ex-wives have left him without him apparently understanding the reasons.  He has often said that he's never bothered staying in touch with people, he doesn't need friends, and he doesn't really need anyone but me.  These are certainly ways in which he thinks differently from me, and perhaps from most people.
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empath
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« Reply #17 on: June 30, 2014, 06:49:29 PM »

HopefulDad, I get the "disagreement=disrespect", too.

Several years ago, he wanted to do something that I had a moral issue with. I spent a year trying to communicate my position and thoughts about the decision. One day, he said he understood that I was afraid and should just trust. He said he felt that way too. Completely wrong about what I had been telling him about why I could not agree with the decision. I could not understand how he could come to that conclusion.

Then, in one of our other conversations, he mentioned how 'happy' we were when we were first married. During that time, my dad died and we had our first miscarriage. He also didn't want me to work or finish my education. I was in a deep depression. So, I said that. That conversation was one of the ones that recently, he said 'deeply wounded' him and he felt 'betrayed'. (started him thinking that his view of reality might not be 'right'
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #18 on: July 01, 2014, 10:54:55 AM »

Him asking me why I can't just obey him. Stop questioning him and just trust him.

Him telling me that we are never on the same page and it ruins the mood. The problem is, he won't actually tell me what he wants, I have to guess it. And if I guess wrong it's "Nevermind" If I can't figure it out, then there's no point.

Then there was a very specific fight where I admitted to inviting someone over. The premise of what I said was innocent. The way I said it sounded like there was an ulterior motive. No chance to explain it. If I try, I'm just making excuses and denying doing something. Either I'm lying now or was lying before. I keep saying things I don't mean and then trying the same old excuse.

When I try to give a valid explanation for my behaviour (I  snap sometimes) then I'm just playing 'mental gymnastics' with him again, trying to smooth things over and never taking responsibility for my actions.
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #19 on: July 01, 2014, 11:06:10 AM »

misuniadziubek:

Your partner sounds a lot like mine. I wanted to go crazy on my uBPDh when he used the word OBEY, a few days ago(of course I didn't though... one of us has to model better behavior). And he liked to make me guess why he is upset or angry. It happened just last night while we were taking a walk. He got very, very upset and then he did his Mr. Angry act for most of the walk. When I didn't engage, and just kept talking/walking with my daughter, he got angrier. He eventually walked away from us and went back home. He later said he doesn't know why he is so "moody", and that hopefully the upped dose of meds he just started taking help.

Let me tell you, what he has is not just "moods". He can be "moody", but the real issue is the rage, blowups, blame, skewed thinking, and gaslighting and scapegoating. I was just reading a long list of behaviors associated with BPD, and he has most of them, plus narcissistic traits too.

It does get tiring trying to guess why they are thinking what they do. I could probably do this with someone who has "normal" thinking patterns, but with uBPDh, it could be anything, at any given time, and it never seems to make any sort of sense. He can twist innocent comments, sees slights where there are none meant, and just plain create drama. I'm tired of it too. I want to stay, but I'm just so tired of being blindsided by it.

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ziniztar
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« Reply #20 on: July 01, 2014, 01:23:44 PM »

First date. He asked: "You're so amazing! Why are you still single?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

"Haha. Because I'm an ass!"

"Because I'm attracted to asss."

"Haha, touché, touché."

I never met anyone that ever called himself an ass on a first date. I knew asss, they just weren't that self-aware to warn me up front  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

During the first date I noticed he had a very strong reaction to the story of my mom dying young. I've told it a gazillion times now and he seemed truly hurt by it for a few minutes. In all honesty I liked his sensitivity then, and I still do now  .
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sweetheart
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« Reply #21 on: July 01, 2014, 02:20:40 PM »

Early stages

'You are my goddess ' 

' You saved me from myself' 

'Without you I'd be dead'  Idea

'I wish I could get inside you'  Idea

Middle stages

'Sometimes I really hate you'  :'(

'You're crazy, controlling, psychotic just like my mother' 

'Youre worse than my parents!' 

'Youre a bully just like my dad' 

I remember when he used to say all these things I used to think   

And now he just gaslights, projects, splits, when he is dysregulated, but at least I know what is going on. He also says lovely things too when he feels ok.

Slightly worried maxsterling about The Catcher in the Rye, I soo identified with main character as a teenager. It's still one of my favourite books.  Smiling (click to insert in post) oops  Smiling (click to insert in post)

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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #22 on: July 01, 2014, 03:40:21 PM »

Early stages

'You are my goddess ' 

' You saved me from myself' 

'Without you I'd be dead'  Idea

'I wish I could get inside you'  Idea

Middle stages

'Sometimes I really hate you'  :'(

'You're crazy, controlling, psychotic just like my mother' 

'Youre worse than my parents!' 

'Youre a bully just like my dad' 

Those are all so similar to my experiences with my boyfriend. Especially the middle ones. Comparing me to the way his mom treated him, and especially to his exes. I felt bad for him at first and tried to avoid those behaviours, but eventually it becomes obvious that it's probably something else going on.
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enlighten me
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« Reply #23 on: July 01, 2014, 03:42:23 PM »

At the end

Sometimes I look at you and I hate you

I just want to be pleased to see you.
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Hope26
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« Reply #24 on: July 01, 2014, 06:15:47 PM »

Misuniadziubel, you reminded me of probably my biggest 'red flag' of all with the 'stop questioning him and just trust him.'  I got this, accompanied by a lot of anger and a pursuant rage, for glancing at the clock one time after he had told me what time it was.  It hadn't even been a conscious gesture, my glance at the clock.  I said 'Are you serious?'  (He's been known to joke around).  He was indeed serious and said that my behavior 'would have gotten him killed if he'd acted that way in Vietnam.'  I have never said or done anything to make him distrust me, and that incident really brought it home to me that there was mental illness going on.  Another time I glanced in both directions when we were in the car, to make sure traffic was clear.  He had 'instructed' me to only look to the right.  So again, my 'lack of trust' caused a rage that went on several days.  It's really things like this, more than anything, that brought me to this website after trying to figure out his problem.  The rages have always been my biggest issue.  Though they seem to be decreasing now, I am always on guard.
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« Reply #25 on: July 01, 2014, 06:50:45 PM »

"You don't care about me.  All you care about is your feelings and you being hurt when I am the one you are really hurting."  <-- this is generally after I have done nothing or I have committed a minor infraction and her reaction is pure destruction to my self-esteem

This for me. Always. I am always the most terrible person ever after an episode. Today I told her I didn't deserve verbal abuse and left and she told me that 'I didn't deserve ___' which is really nice.
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« Reply #26 on: July 02, 2014, 04:50:46 AM »

If we don't get married, we can't get divorced.

I was put on this earth to heal you. It must be true or your twin brother would have struck me dead by now ( he died when we were 17 )

You shouldn't need anyone but me. I'm not enough for you.

You don't love me if just being with me isn't enough for you.

You shouldn't need to go out.

Your needs aren't important to me.

I don't care what you want. It's not all about you.

Be silent. I don't want to hear you.

Everybody wants to eff you.

I'm a loner. We are not in a relationship. We just work together, live together and have a family. You're seeking security from an insecure man.

You don't know how to be in a relationship... .

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enlighten me
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« Reply #27 on: July 02, 2014, 06:57:52 AM »

You don't know how to be in a relationship... .

Both my ex wife and exgf said this to me. Maybe I don't know how to be in a relationship or maybe you just cant please someone whos goals are moving constantly.
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mace17
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« Reply #28 on: July 02, 2014, 08:33:37 AM »

This is a really good topic!  Let's see... .some things that struck me as odd were:

"You always tell me how to think, just like my ex" (after I told him that he could help me with something but he didn't have to if he didn't want to)

"You are just like my mom, she just withdrew inside herself and never came back out" (after I tried to somewhat emotionally detach because I was feeling like a human pinball)

"You never show me any affection and you use sex as a weapon" ( after I expressed my need for him to be affectionate at other times than when he just wanted sex)

"There is something wrong with you, you're f***ing crazy" ( after I asked him if he was going to give our son his birthday present on the day of his party or the next day on his actual birthday)
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enlighten me
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« Reply #29 on: July 02, 2014, 08:45:27 AM »

"You never show me any affection and you use sex as a weapon" ( after I expressed my need for him to be affectionate at other times than when he just wanted sex)

Wow

My ex wife said about using sex as a weapon but withheld sex.

She also told people afterwards that I used sex as a weapon in our relationship.
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