Cheating - sex tapes and lies

[MrsDivia]

I always had this gut feeling like something was going on but since I found out - more and more keeps coming to the light. I found videos he has taken of the acts of infadelity. we are now talking 10+ women in the last two years. Using no protection. Even posted videos on an amature porn site. He denied the kids and my existance to some of the women, to social media (I'm not on his IG or facebook at all) and we have lived together for almost 5 years and have 3 kids. At best I am either so fully of anger and hurt I can barely stand it or I feel totally overcome to the point where I am numb to it. And with the constant hustle of day to day life (work, kids, etc) I havent had any time to process it, heal, nothing.

What makes me most confused is that he cant explain himself, either he projects, deflects, lies, cant recall, on and on and on. And whats more he says he would never leave me, that no one compares to me, that that was just sex and what we do is love, ugh... . it just soo much.

It is so hard to look at him the same, and even harder not to let this affect my self esteem... .

Anyone else had to go through this?

Any advice?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JohnLove]

Hello MrsDivia. I am sorry to hear of your husbands infidelities. I also feel sorry that you had to learn the truth in that manner. That can't be easy or very pleasant. Gut feelings are a funny thing. All emotion with a little bit of logic thrown in. Probably why we don't always act on them. But then we are not BPD.

My BPDgf left her partner to be with me. I thought she was already separated. They were living in the same house.

I was separated from my ex for 5 years. I became close with my BPDgf in late 2012. We had an exclusivity conversation and a discussion where i asked her to promise to take care of my heart around September 2012.

I found out in early 2014 that she had been sexting with her stepbrother the entire time. How do you think I felt. I'm unsure if it ever got physical but it almost didn't matter. I felt I had lost her... . I think she lost herself. Is that how these people develop a sense of self?.

No amount of discussion and at one point for 4 days (and a couple of nights) straight (before I really knew what BPD was) never seemed to "help". I was in full JADE mode. She didn't see it that way. He was her stepbrother. She never meant anything sexual and didn't want anything sexual but the content of their texts was highly sexual and highly inappropriate for people in relationships and for people related to each other. He was "family". Yeah?... . well families dont behave like this!. At least not in my family. He hadn't even met her 3 younger children. Had nothing whatsoever to do with them but... . loved them. Professed Love for them and love for her. We even went to her therapist to deal with it. It was deal breaker stuff. I wanted expert clarification. I wanted her to see the truth. I wanted answers. I wanted the strength and the expert opinion to see things clearly... . for what they REALLY were... . to break it off for good or not. She cried nearly the entire time we were there. I showed him some of the text messages. He read them after he asked her permission. He meekly said to her it looks like he was grooming you for sex. He told me we were in an enmeshed relationship. She wanted to "work through this" for "us". She thought we had a very special bond (but then so did I) and "we were worth it".

How don't they see that by acting out with this sexual behavior they jeopardise everything they have and enjoy with us?... . it can be unbearable.

I found these when I accessed her Google account when she was hospitalised 8 weeks after we stopped talking due to a completely unrelated trauma. I had set up her Google account for her with a new phone. I added an SMS backup app to retain messages related to her ex and any impending court drama related to the children they share to protect herself. I had no reason to access her Google account or SMS messages ever and never did until she was hospitalised and I remote locked her confiscated phone (by health authorities) to protect her. I have read all the messages. They were devastating to me. Words can't describe the feelings I experienced. Betrayal. Deceit. Utter contempt. Loss. They were truly overwhelming. I was blindsided. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. This is while she was IN hospital and I was her primary support. Why do they think they can have their cake and eat it?. Who is protecting me?.

While you are responsible for whatever part you play in the r/s, I can't fathom how you could possibly deserve what has happened from your post. You can't. It's the disorder. I read another poster use one word to describe the disorder. Gruesome.

[formflier]

 

hey... for both of you guys. 

I recommend you guys both spend time to archive "the truth" and the proof. 

Don't let pwBPD know this.

I hope neither of you ever have to use this... . but you better be prepared. 

If you are prepared I think you will both be more confident in using tools to "deal with pwBPD" and can make decisions not base out of fear... . but will be able to do rational decision making.

Please don't rush. 

I am in the same boat where I am trying to "save" a r/s but at the same time I'm organizing a file if I ever need to go to court... . primarily to get custody of kids.

Mrs Diva.

With three kids involved... . you need to clearly understand options so that if you ever do make a move... . you don't want to make any mis-steps.

I'll try to get some guys over to this thread that can help.

Hang in there

[Matt]

Guys who cheat often say, "It's no big deal" or "All guys do it".

It is a big deal, and all guys don't do it.  From movies and TV we could think that cheating is normal, but it's not;  neither I nor my brothers nor any of my friends would ever cheat on their wives or girlfriends.  I'm not saying nobody ever cheats, but you are not expecting too much;  his behavior is way, way outside of what is OK.

If you can make copies of everything - videos, stuff he has posted online, etc. - and get those copies to a safe place, that will be wise.

I would suggest you talk to a family law attorney and find out your options.  For example, you might be able to get a court order that he has to move out and that he can't contact you or the kids, if that's what you think would be best.

I don't know if he has BPD - nobody here can diagnose him - but his behavior is dangerous - unprotected sex with several people - and it's certain that he has some kind of problem.  And from what you say about how he's dealing with it, it's not likely that he will change.

[ForeverDad]

The others all mentioned perceptive observations... . What he did is definitely not something to be explained away or minimized as 'no big deal'... . His behaviors showed he put you at risk literally, time to put yourself and the children first and figure out what that means... .   Start documenting things in case you do end up seeking court action to resolve custody, support and division of marital assets and debts... .   This had a stunning impact on you, you have a right to let this sink in and give you time to figure out how you want to handle this... .

Some things were alluded to - his dangerous behavior with repeated unprotected sex.  What that means for you is that (1) you have a right to decide to end or at least suspend intimacy based on both the lost trust and real health risks he exposed you to and (2) you ought to get tested for STDs and repeat them again as the doctors recommend in order to confirm nothing surfaces later.

It is so hard to look at him the same, and even harder not to let this affect my self esteem... .

Don't let him twist this around on you.  Don't feel guilted and don't let him make you feel guilted, this is his behavior, his consequences, not your fault at all.

Lastly, for many people this behavior - infidelity, and repeated at that - is a "deal-breaker".  He's making you feel you shouldn't feel how a normal person would feel, betrayed and sabotaged.  However, you had trusted him and did not expect this, he broke that trust.  It is very unlikely he will be sufficiently change and regain your trust.  What that means is you have a right to reconsider everything including the relationship, the marriage.  Seriously.