outside stressors and dysregulation

[Mrs. Hyde]

I am relatively new to all of this.  I never even knew what BPD was until my counselor  suggested that my H suffered from it. Initially I felt a sense of relief reading about the similarities that others had and I felt like phew... . I'm not alone.

Now I just feel sad and hopeless about my future.  I also feel scared because I am scheduled to give birth to our son in 6 days(if I make it that long)

I have a question about dysregulation. Are there catalysts that dysregulate people or is it just a random occurrence?(probably both)

My uBPDH is under a huge amount of stress.  He is dealing with huge huge issues with his business, we are 70% into building a new house(we just moved here 2 days ago). He is going to be a father again any day now.

I notice when things are imploding that he goes into these periods of dysregulation.  He latches onto strange and odd thinking which ostracizes me and makes me feel like he can't stand to be around me.  His thinking and perceptions about things are always skewed negatively and infused with judgement.  Even when I try to make small talk about something benign he finds a way to critisizenor judge me.  

I think he is having a ton of anxiety about having a baby(of course he denies having any anxiety or stress about anything and gets irritated if I allude to the possibility). He's really defensive and judgemental about potential interaction and parenting... . like he is trying to establish what he is going to do and I better not try to interfere.  I am so scared about raising a child with him. I hope when the baby is born some of the anxiety of the unknown will ease up and we can enjoy being parents... . right now he pretty much does whatever he can to stay away from me... . which I can't say I mind given his mental state... . how will we bond with a baby... . I am scared that he will try to alienate me and do things alone with the baby... . he wanted a baby... . I was OK to raise my teenagers... . at the height of a period of idealization he wooed me into believing that this would catapult us into a new.level of love with each other... . 9 months later just feel alone and scared... . dreading having to start over raising a child with a man that seems to loathe me... . will this dysregulation cycle back to idealization and have any of you who have children gone through this just before the birth of the baby... . is it just related to stress and feeling out of control... . any advice is appreciated... . sorry for rambling... . I am really scared out of my mind... . and I feel like  my life is over

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

The difference between a Personality Disorder (eg BPD) and mood disorders (eg Bipolar), is that mood disorder swings occur without triggers, and much slower and longer swings. Personality  Disorders are inappropriate emotional reactions to their surroundings (triggers). These triggers are often not obvious, sometimes not even to them, and they are normally way out of proportion to the event. The swings are generally faster and shorter duration than mood disorders, and often involve much chaos and blaming of others.

We can learn a lot to avoid many of them, though not completely. More importantly we learn to recognize they have been triggered and learn how not to make it any worse than it need be.

When all else fails we learn methods of reducing the negative impact on ourselves, as we can't control them.

It takes a while to work it out, and you wont always get it right. Can you get to a level where the RS is still tenable? That is the unknown, you can only do your best and that becomes more clear in time.

In the meantime one step at a time.

Good luck, keep reading and posting it will change the way you look at life, not just your partner.