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Author Topic: Is there anyway to know if they love you or is it just a game?  (Read 439 times)
BadKitty
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« on: June 28, 2014, 06:40:00 PM »

I ask this question to myself everyday.

I want to know if he really loves me. I believe that he does. I think he is just conflicted because he's spent most of his life a lone with only one serious relationship besides me, which was his high school sweetheart. That is all he knows. He doesn't know what a real relationship consists of. He doesn't realize that there should be compromise and empathy. There should be support and caring.

I realize that BPD's do not have empathy and they will likely never support you when you need it. I have learned to get emotional support from friends when I need it. I realize that there is not compromise, it's his way or no way. I can deal with this but it is difficult.

I get tired of hearing how much he loves me but he misses being single because he can do what he wants, when he wants,but he does that anyway. If he wants to spend the day with his ex girlfriend, or getting drunk, or whatever other things he does, I let him. I don't nag him about it or stalk him, or call him constantly begging him to come back or tell me where he is.

One day he tells me he wants to move out but he still wants to be with me, next week he tells me he can't deal with me because I will never change. I never know what it is I have done, and of course he will never tell me because 'If you don't already know then I shouldn't have to tell you." What does that mean?

I am so tired of wondering if this is all just a game. I don't believe it is because of the good times when he does love me and does things for me that he wouldn't do for anyone else. Am I delusional in thinking that he really does love me?

He has admitted to being scared of our relationship because it's only the second one he's been in. He has admitted when he realizes he has been wrong in his behaviors and verbal abuse. He admits he doesn't know why he has such a problem with this or that thing that he believes to be wrong with me.

He is always telling me I will never change but change what? He can't tell me, even though he says he's told me over and over yet I never change. I have never once asked him to change anything about himself. I accept him for who he is, even the things that I don't like. I know people can't change who they really are.

I can keep going on forever about all of this but I should stop now. I am just confused right now and had to get some of it out so perhaps I could feel better. I am going out with a friend tonight so that should help a bit.

The question is still there though, does he really love me or doesn't he. I guess I may never know. Even though I see it in his eyes when he looks at me, and when things are good, I can tell by his actions and the things he's done for me. I believe he does but cannot get used to being in a relationship because it is too emotional for him. He feels better off alone even though he is tired of being lonely.



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bobcat2014
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« Reply #1 on: June 28, 2014, 07:12:33 PM »

Short answer is no, you cannot expect to know how they feel about you or anyone else. But what they feel at any certain moment is true to them... . if that makes sense. BPDs shift from extremes in a flash and this emotional intesity is so real to them it is the only feeling they relate to.

Kitty, I also ask this about my wife, so you arent the only one who wonders what they really think. Anymore, I need to be shown, not told as actions speak louder than words now that I know how BPD works.

Good luck to you
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BadKitty
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« Reply #2 on: June 28, 2014, 07:20:19 PM »

Thanks for that response. I KNEW that was the answer yet I hoped there must be some way to know. I know that is crazy. I guess i should know that he loves me one moment and hates me the next. This relationship is so difficult.

I need all the luck I can get. I suppose I'll just wait it out and see what happens. I need to get over the fact that I will never really know, just like I got over that I will get no emotional support from him whatsoever in times of need.

So frustrating!
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bobcat2014
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« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2014, 07:34:54 PM »

Thanks for that response. I KNEW that was the answer yet I hoped there must be some way to know. I know that is crazy. I guess i should know that he loves me one moment and hates me the next. This relationship is so difficult.

I need all the luck I can get. I suppose I'll just wait it out and see what happens. I need to get over the fact that I will never really know, just like I got over that I will get no emotional support from him whatsoever in times of need.

So frustrating!

Kitty,

I have been with my my uBPDw for 20 years. I always assumed her unhappiness and resentment stemmed from me, in that she made the wrong choice with me. Over a period of 12 years I went on a mission to self improve every aspect of my life to meet her requirements. Guess what? It isnt enough... . and I know now it never will be. Her emptiness is a black hole... . that has nothing to do with me. Deep down I know she loves me the best way she knows how, but I know that in time the cycle will come around again and she will cheat, leave or justfy to herself I am the reason she feels this unhappiness. In order for my marriage to maintain I have to accept there will never be any security, nor will I ever let my guard down. if you are to survive a relationship you will have to accept the fact these folks cannot be trusted entirely. They are simply wired differently and survivors from core trauma. Understand this and it can help make the craziness a little more bearable.
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BadKitty
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« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2014, 07:40:54 PM »

So we are to just accept the fact that as long as we are with a pwBPD, it will always be unstable. I know this. And I am slowly learning how to cope. In the beginning a started to think I was really the horrible person that I was being made out to be but now I realize it isn't me at all. I went through this with my mother but luckily she left my life when I was 8. Now here I am, trying to understand it in my adult life and it isn't much easier.

Thank you for the advice. I will learn to accept or move on.
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JohnLove
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« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2014, 01:27:30 AM »

"I have been with my my uBPDw for 20 years. I always assumed her unhappiness and resentment stemmed from me, in that she made the wrong choice with me. Over a period of 12 years I went on a mission to self improve every aspect of my life to meet her requirements. Guess what? It isnt enough... . and I know now it never will be. Her emptiness is a black hole... . that has nothing to do with me. Deep down I know she loves me the best way she knows how, but I know that in time the cycle will come around again and she will cheat, leave or justfy to herself I am the reason she feels this unhappiness. In order for my marriage to maintain I have to accept there will never be any security, nor will I ever let my guard down. if you are to survive a relationship you will have to accept the fact these folks cannot be trusted entirely. They are simply wired differently and survivors from core trauma. Understand this and it can help make the craziness a little more bearable."

Hi bobcat2014

I have been feeling exactly like this and feel like I'm in the wrong. I was blinded by my ex sexting her stepbrother for years. I feel like I can't ever trust her again.
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BadKitty
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« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2014, 02:24:25 AM »

WowJohnLove, this must be incredibly difficult for you. I feel we all have had our blinders on at some point . I have been lucky so far in that I dont believe I have been cheated on but i could be wrong about this. I understand that this is a very common problem. If I have been and I find out, this is one of my boundaries and I will have to end the relationship.
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an0ught
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« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2014, 06:05:30 AM »

Good discussion and a painful one 

What is love? I suspect we all know but may not all agree   

I don't claim to know what it is but here on this board in the back of my mind is a simple model:

              "love" = Bond + Respect + other stuff including magic

I won't talk about the latter. When it comes to Bond / Attachment for a lot of the long running relationships here on the board it is strong. Both sides are or would be struggling to break away. There are a number of reasons for it - long relationship and often fear which can activate the attachment system are big factors. When it comes to Respect that is mostly lost - boundaries are not in place and whatever notion of boundaries exist on any side it is ignored on the other. With the weakening of respect it dulls the feeling of love too.

"I have been with my my uBPDw for 20 years. I always assumed her unhappiness and resentment stemmed from me, in that she made the wrong choice with me. Over a period of 12 years I went on a mission to self improve every aspect of my life to meet her requirements.

People here have tried to move mountains or become another person. Lucky the ones that have failed and poorer the ones that may have lost themselves. One of the biggest pains is often to realize how unnecessary it was, acknowledging the damage done and taken responsibility for our role in bending to their ever changing whims.

Without us being us - how can we be loved. Without having a clear profile, without some edges, without being grounded with a firm stance not to be pushed around - how can we be loved? Our partners shift their perception constantly, more often and more radical than others - is it a good strategy to follow their lead or should we not rather provide consistency in what we can do best - being ourselves?
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bobcat2014
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« Reply #8 on: June 29, 2014, 03:18:30 PM »

I went through this with my mother but luckily she left my life when I was 8. Now here I am, trying to understand it in my adult life and it isn't much easier.

Kitty,

Your reply struck a nerve with me... . and I needed to reply. I dont know if you are seeking T or not, but the fact you pointed out early parental issues could explain how you got entangled with your BPD husband. Please dont take offense to this observation. I have a similar issue from my childhood abuse, thus my wife has alot of the same issues my step father had. My T told me this caused my people pleasing and abandonment issues early on. This is why BPD marriages are much more complex than normal relationships... . I know this now. I also know this person I am today is far from who I should be... . but I am working on that.
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TiggerGirl

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« Reply #9 on: June 29, 2014, 07:10:18 PM »

I actually believe that it is not a game at all to them because I honestly believe that they do not clearly understand what love is. Speaking from my own experience with my uBPDh, he doesn't even know how to love himself. We have been separated for 6 months and he is still questioning his feelings towards me and whether or not he loved me when we married. He tells me that he's trying to figure out if he was only lying to himself. As much as it hurts to hear that, I know that he has always had a hard time dealing with his emotions.

I am working on improving myself and I now realize anything that I do will not be good enough for him. He accepts my love for him and tells me it means a lot to him when I tell him, but at the same time it hurts to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to understand the concept of love. And that is something that I may have to accept about him.
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #10 on: June 29, 2014, 09:04:06 PM »

My BPDw has told me that the only way she can express her love to me is by preparing meals. Other than that, there is not much love being expressed by her, but I always express my love, but it seems to go in one ear and out the other with her.

To answer your question, I don't think it is a game to a BPD, but I don't think they know what love is due to their background. Yet, they see us nonBPDs who have come from relatively good backgrounds as being loving, compassionate, and caring. That can be a major factor why they are attracted to us. Then, we nonBPDs see their artificialities of being loving, compassionate, and caring, thinking we have a match. Sadly, when we are roped in by thinking we have found the ideal mate and with them practically saying that, they slowly or quickly change for the worse, unfortunately.
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