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Author Topic: why does my upbd fiance have problems with extreme guilt regarding masturbating?  (Read 450 times)
stuckgirl
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: engaged but not living together
Posts: 112



« on: June 29, 2014, 03:05:07 PM »

if this question is inappropriate,then i didnt know and a moderator could remove it please.

we havent had sex,arent planning to before marriage,

He feels sexually frustrated because he doesnt masturbate,he says if he does,he feels guilty touching himself,and would rather die then face the guilt,depression that comes after release.

he says that as he was growing up,he had started to masturbate like other kids,but some of his teachers said it was a bad thing to do,god did not approve,since then he stopped.

he suffers extreme depression and frustration when he gets the urges,its a major problem for him,and without sex he cannot find a release from normal physical desire.

he says he's had sex in the past,but letting someone touch his... you know... with their hands is as big an issue.

he has never given an indication that he was sexually abused, i dont know why he feels this bad and this way.

im sorry if question is inappropriate but i dont know where else to look for an answer.

ive been considering telling him straight he has borderline personality disorder,i tried discussing the possibility of visiting a psychiatrist in another city,but he just kept getting embarassed and point blank refuses.

he said i was the only one he could discuss his problems with.

in the society i live in psychiatric ilness and help is very taboo and most people feel ashamed to take it and would rather suffer... mentally.

how should i go about encouraging to be brave enough to accept help,i suspect he considers suicide when things are really bad,i suggested visiting a psychiatrist for an antidepressant,he said he didnt trust himself with so many pills,which meant that after a fight,in frustration or anger,he might overdose.

i honestly dont know what to do.

i dont even know,with this many problems,if i can marry him

can someone help me please?
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stuckgirl
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Gender: Female
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: engaged but not living together
Posts: 112



« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2014, 03:38:12 PM »

anyone guys?
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JohnLove
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Posts: 571



« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2014, 06:21:46 PM »

Hello stuckgirl. While i respect your beliefs this appears like what happens when you follow an organized religion that has it roots stuck in the dark ages. Sex is normal. Masturbation is normal. Heard of Freud?. My understanding is humans need only food, water and sexual intimacy for survival.

If he touches himself, depression. If he doesn't, deeper depression. I think you have indicated the likely way to proceed by your own admission... . but no one can touch it? to go to the toilet? or just sexually?. Of course it's a major problem for him. It's a major problem for everybody. His hangup or past abuse or thinking has made him terribly dysfunctional. He is not the only one. I don't understand how to look for a release of physical symptoms without getting physical. Try scratching an itch by just thinking about it. I have. Sometimes you can withstand the urge and it will go away, but not always. Sometimes it just gets worse. I don't know if its a symptom of abuse or extreme guilting of oneself. If there is some terrible abuse behind it then best to get some deeper understanding for both of you. Have you tried to ask why he feels this way?. Not just the facts that you've mentioned. I have trouble understanding what people gain from following these contradictory beliefs, rules, required behavior?. Does it stop you descending into hell?... . because if it does then I don't think it's working. Im not trying to be funny but I have a habit of making light of the most serious things. It helps me. Whenever I have had a serious problem that I couldn't overcome whenever I did get past it or looking back the root cause was always the same. Faulty thinking on my part.

Your last sentence is very revealing of your feelings. I understand taboo. Maybe you are the one to help?... . if you can by talking, reading together (google is your friend), continue looking for answers which may (or may not) involve outside help. But know this. You are not the cause of these problems. Although you may be part of the answer. Know that if these very serious problems cannot be overcome they might overcome you. Are you prepared for that?. Is anyone hoping marriage will "fix" this?. As you have said the symptoms of this problem have already expanded outside the sexual domain.

I wish I could be more helpful... .





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stuckgirl
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: engaged but not living together
Posts: 112



« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2014, 10:55:57 AM »

Hello stuckgirl. While i respect your beliefs this appears like what happens when you follow an organized religion that has it roots stuck in the dark ages. Sex is normal. Masturbation is normal. Heard of Freud?. My understanding is humans need only food, water and sexual intimacy for survival.

If he touches himself, depression. If he doesn't, deeper depression. I think you have indicated the likely way to proceed by your own admission... . but no one can touch it? to go to the toilet? or just sexually?. Of course it's a major problem for him. It's a major problem for everybody. His hangup or past abuse or thinking has made him terribly dysfunctional. He is not the only one. I don't understand how to look for a release of physical symptoms without getting physical. Try scratching an itch by just thinking about it. I have. Sometimes you can withstand the urge and it will go away, but not always. Sometimes it just gets worse. I don't know if its a symptom of abuse or extreme guilting of oneself. If there is some terrible abuse behind it then best to get some deeper understanding for both of you. Have you tried to ask why he feels this way?. Not just the facts that you've mentioned. I have trouble understanding what people gain from following these contradictory beliefs, rules, required behavior?. Does it stop you descending into hell?... . because if it does then I don't think it's working. Im not trying to be funny but I have a habit of making light of the most serious things. It helps me. Whenever I have had a serious problem that I couldn't overcome whenever I did get past it or looking back the root cause was always the same. Faulty thinking on my part.

Your last sentence is very revealing of your feelings. I understand taboo. Maybe you are the one to help?... . if you can by talking, reading together (google is your friend), continue looking for answers which may (or may not) involve outside help. But know this. You are not the cause of these problems. Although you may be part of the answer. Know that if these very serious problems cannot be overcome they might overcome you. Are you prepared for that?. Is anyone hoping marriage will "fix" this?. As you have said the symptoms of this problem have already expanded outside the sexual domain.

I wish I could be more helpful... . 



thank you johnlove,for replying,it honestly means a lot to know that someone understands how hard BPD and related problems are to deal with day to day.

its like you said,he is hoping that marriage will fix it,but it wont,it would make things harder.he believes sex is good and the best because its 'natural' and touching it (only sexually) might make something 'bad happen'... .

i asked him to explain a bit more and he said it was just how he felt,that he knew it was different thinking,but he felt as if he had done something horrible after just masturbating... .i tried telling him it was normal,that perhaps if he kept going ahead and doing it he would be able to overcome the guilt,since nothing bad would happen,he would know it was normal,but to him masturbation+killing a person.

what if marrying him leads to some serious sexual issues that he will not share with me before we sleep together.

i really wonder how can a marriage with guilt related problems in sex and lack of emotional support from one partner... since he has classic BPD and often fails to empathize,work? is it horrible of me to be thinking of only my hide,not his issues... .?
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an0ught
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Relationship status: married
Posts: 5048



« Reply #4 on: July 02, 2014, 04:27:28 PM »

Hi stuckgirl.

we all have issues but of course with BPD what can be overcome becomes an unsurmountable issue. Of course only until it becomes a total non issue.

Fear and shame are key emotions in pwBPD and from the current society there are conflicting messages - hyper-sexualized images and abstinence messages can be encountered daily. Developing a stable and balanced view is a challenge for everyone and looks like your bf is struggling with it. He struggles with some sexual problems but what makes those big problems is the b&w thinking, instable sense of self, fear and shame.

These can't be explained away. Sometimes it may help him to talk about it but keep in mind that asking him "why" is invalidating so staying with "what" and active listening (not problem solving) on your side may help to relief come emotional pressure. Generally validating his fear, guilt and insecurity (not only in sexual matters) will be important to get him to the point where he can think in a more balanced way. Daily practicing and improving your skills in validating negative emotions would be a good first step to build better understanding and sense of connection between you two.
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