A question about a lesson

[purplicious]

I don't know if I'm posting this in the right place.

Here is the part of the lesson I have a question on.


   

PERSPECTIVES: The do's and don'ts in a BPD relationship

« on: September 02, 2007, 11:10:04 PM »

Quote

This workshop is to discuss the Do's and Don'ts for adults staying in a relationship with a person with BPD.

Strength: It takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.


My question is, what if you are in a weak emotional state because you have been in the relationship? How do you heal yourself while trying to be strong?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[corraline]

Hi purplicious

One of the things that started me on track to feel better was to start taking care of myself.  I started to feel healthier and stronger.  It was just little things.  My nervous system was ravaged and my self esteem had plummeted.  I needed me .

Here is a link about self care.

What does it mean to take care of yourself? It is a great perspective piece.

You may find some ideas there that will help you build strength and with that find more balance.

Its all baby steps at this point... .   You are worth it.

[waverider]

Everything takes a long time. One of the first priorities is healing yourself. It is not easy but is of the highest priority. It does seem like an insurmountable mountain, but it can be tackled one step at a time

[purplicious]

Thanks so much for the information! I will start reading that asap. I know its going to take baby steps and on most days I want to try I want to fix me so we can have an us!

[purplicious]

Corraline,

Wow its so much info! So of course there r 50million questions.

It talks about stop thinking of them first. Here is a lil bit I pulled from the lesson.

It's the mindset.  I'm almost trained to think if her first.  I didn't reailze how bad it was until recently.  She wouldn't even have to ask me to do something for her, just mention it and I volunteer.  This is a small example of the big picture, but, the other night, we were watching TV and the kids were being typical loud little boys, and she said in just regular conversation "I think it's about time for baths".  And I just said, "Yep, let's go" and got up and hurded the boys upstairs.  On my way it hit me, she didn't tell me to do it, she didn't even ask me to do it, I just did it.  Like a trained dog.  Conditional response or something.

You've got to get out of that mindset, which is easier said than done, because it is like a conditioned repsonse.  You can do it without really even thinking about it.  You need to return your first thought to being about you, and not "what will he/she do, think, react, etc."


Question.  How am I suppose to do that? Even tho I think of her all the time she accuses me of never thinking about her. So if I stop trying to think of her will that not make it worse. Or worse to get better is what its about?

These are all so hard. I've been trained well the last two yrs.

[an0ught]

Question.  How am I suppose to do that? Even tho I think of her all the time she accuses me of never thinking about her.

Isn't this her problem that she gets upset about being in a relationship with someone who does not put her first all the time?

A validating response could be: "I don't think about you all the time. I do think at times about myself, my problems and at times about other people too. I do think about you a lot.".

So if I stop trying to think of her will that not make it worse. Or worse to get better is what its about?

These are all so hard. I've been trained well the last two yrs.

Don't think about a PINK ELEPHANT!

Can you do that? It may well happen that you start seeing a big pink mammal in your mind right away. Our brain is not wired well to do things "not". Simply take good care of yourself and take ownership of your perspective first and foremost. This in combination with boundaries will already go a long way.

[purplicious]

Corraline, 

So basically she has a right to be upset and not like it but I also have the right to do stuff for myself? Just because she isnt happy doesnt mean I have to change to make her happy its her decision to be unhappy?



Thank you so much!

[corraline]

Her feelings are her feelings, yours are yours.    Its not your job to make her happy.  Her feelings of happiness are hers. When we start to focus on ourselves and give ourselves permission to feel our feelings and not judge ours or theirs we can feel more of a sense of our own self.  It will give you more clarity about what is theirs and what is yours. You can start to feel stronger in yourself.

hope that makes some sense.

[waverider]

Question.  How am I suppose to do that? Even tho I think of her all the time she accuses me of never thinking about her. So if I stop trying to think of her will that not make it worse. Or worse to get better is what its about?

It all part of Neediness, neediness is a process and can't be sated by meeting that need. It just moves on.

An analogy.

Think of neediness as a river flowing by. You are attempting to stop that river flowing by tipping in your personal water storage in. The river keeps flowing, may even flow faster as you tip more water in. Eventually you will have no water left, and the river still flows.

A river needs water and it will drain it from everywhere around. Only a drought will stop a river from flowing. Preventing neediness requires others around to stop giving, not just you. You alone cant stop it as you cant control what others do, but you can prevent your own storage being drained.

It is very difficult, and goes against our instincts, to not feed neediness as it pulls a lot of emotive strings.

[purplicious]

Question.  How am I suppose to do that? Even tho I think of her all the time she accuses me of never thinking about her. So if I stop trying to think of her will that not make it worse. Or worse to get better is what its about?

It all part of Neediness, neediness is a process and can't be sated by meeting that need. It just moves on.

An analogy.

Think of neediness as a river flowing by. You are attempting to stop that river flowing by tipping in your personal water storage in. The river keeps flowing, may even flow faster as you tip more water in. Eventually you will have no water left, and the river still flows.

A river needs water and it will drain it from everywhere around. Only a drought will stop a river from flowing. Preventing neediness requires others around to stop giving, not just you. You alone cant stop it as you cant control what others do, but you can prevent your own storage being drained.

It is very difficult, and goes against our instincts, to not feed neediness as it pulls a lot of emotive strings.

Ty! I love getting all this information!  Im trying hard to understand everything.  I see more n more the things I've been doing to enable or add to the stress. Hopefully I can start putting into practice what I've been learning.