Amazing time with step daughters... an others experience this kind of thing?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Both SD14 and SD10 are really in amazing states of goodness right now. 

SD10 is just happy and very connected to both DH and I. 

SD14 is going through some sort of transition.  She is very enmeshed with her mom, and I think I was expecting that sometime around now she would start being angry at mom and maybe us also, and have a difficult "break up" with mom.  Or at least that separation from mom would be really had on both her relationship with mom AND us. 

So what is happening is just that she is developing freedom to be independent from mom in loving DH and I, and in having separate opinions from mom in a way I do not entirely understand. 

The backstory is that in the past, mom would bad mouth DH and I a lot, and particularly when mom would be abusive verbally or physically to one of us in public, SD would find a way to be loyal to mom ("why did you make mom so mad?".  When mom was more "nice" to us (she often blames, but wants to be seen as a "good person" who does not blame, so it is often very tricky when she is going through good times... . then blatant when she is drinking more and having a harder time).  So for example for years she would ask the kids if they had a hard time going to dad's because they were always sick at his house and he did not take care of them, and when they said yes, she would say, "But I know your daddy loves you and you should be with him, as it is his time and he makes you follow the parenting plan exactly.  I am sorry that we have to do it that way, but you really should go."  In truth, in that instance the kids were actually going through a phase of being sick often at mom's as they had no bedtimes and she was smoking and drinking a lot and not caring for them, so it was pure projection, but very effective at alienating dad without seeming like she was saying anything bad. 

With the more "tricky" way of alienating, the kids would not say dad was bad, just that mom was nice for "seeing" how they felt and trying to protect them, even though maybe sometimes she was "overprotective." 

But during the more direct blaming times (when she would scream at us, threaten to harm us, etc.), the kids would just reject us, at least in the moment. 

And, after SD14 had a few early experiences with mom raging when she indicated any clear love for me to her mom, she started being more indirect about telling me how much she loves me.  We have always had a great connection, but for years she would show it but always make clear that she loves her mom more, that her mom is better, etc... . which is obvious but not really necessary EVERY time she is appreciating me.  But in mom's mind, she is in direct competition with me. 

Now, SD14 is not doing that.  And, she is being more independent in other ways as well. 

And, it has been a time when mom is really being not nice to me again.  I think I relayed how we are building a room for SD14 so she can have her own room, and how grateful she is.  And that mom recently approached me at a school event and yelled at me for helping build SD14's room, as I am not her mom--all in front of SD14.  When SD14 got home with us, she took me to her half finished room and praised it and me grandly, and said, "Thank you," and kissed me on the cheek.  But is still just as loving with mom in other ways, still totally into the story that her mom is the perfect mom and her best friend. 

Yesterday, SD14 said something amazing.  "My mom is my best friend, and you are my best friend, so I am just lucky that way."  Wow! This is the first time she probably has EVER put me in the same category as mom since she was 7 and told her mom she was starting to love me as a family member, and mom threatened to kill herself or leave if she felt that way.  And this is only a few weeks after mom flipped her lid in public over me being helpful to SD14!

Also, she has been separate from mom in other ways.  Mom wanted dad to pay the fees for shoplifting SD14 got in trouble for while at mom's; dad said he was not willing to do this, but was happy to help SD14 earn the money to pay for it herself.  Mom was furious, rude to DH in public and very angry, telling SD14 how unsupportive dad is.  But SD14 just is seeing it her own way.  She is not blaming him at all, just taking on that it is her job to pay the bill, that she is getting a job (now has a job) and her first earnings will go to pay the bill.  She is cheerful and responsible about it, wanting to take care of her responsibility. 

She also wants to go away to high school.  Mom recently made a pitch that she could go live with her, and work at the school... . this is exactly what we are afraid of, as SD14 has said she wants to live with mom since she was 9, but never really pushed for that once she became of the age mom said she was allowed to choose.  Recently, SD10 has been asking, ":)o you think SD14 REALLY wants to only live with mommy?  Because she does not seem like it.  But she is a lot meaner to you and daddy." 

SD10 reported that when mom suggested that, SD14 said, "NO WAY. That is not happening!  I am going to go to boarding school ALONE!" 

All in all, she seems to be strangely staying just as safe and never questioning mom, just as stuck in the story that mom never ever makes a single mistake, but she is just not needing to agree with her.  This is sort of a miracle to me, and though I hope she does not stick with  a make-believe story about mom, this seems like such a brilliant exit. 

At any rate, I am just really amazed by SD14's ability to have her own opinions and love.  I am wondering if any of you have experienced a child separating from a BPD parent in this way?  And what happened next? 

[ennie]

Both SD14 and SD10 are really in amazing states of goodness right now. 

SD10 is just happy and very connected to both DH and I. 

SD14 is going through some sort of transition.  She is very enmeshed with her mom, and I think I was expecting that sometime around now she would start being angry at mom and maybe us also, and have a difficult "break up" with mom.  Or at least that separation from mom would be really had on both her relationship with mom AND us. 

So what is happening is just that she is developing freedom to be independent from mom in loving DH and I, and in having separate opinions from mom in a way I do not entirely understand. 

The backstory is that in the past, mom would bad mouth DH and I a lot, and particularly when mom would be abusive verbally or physically to one of us in public, SD would find a way to be loyal to mom ("why did you make mom so mad?".  When mom was more "nice" to us (she often blames, but wants to be seen as a "good person" who does not blame, so it is often very tricky when she is going through good times... . then blatant when she is drinking more and having a harder time).  So for example for years she would ask the kids if they had a hard time going to dad's because they were always sick at his house and he did not take care of them, and when they said yes, she would say, "But I know your daddy loves you and you should be with him, as it is his time and he makes you follow the parenting plan exactly.  I am sorry that we have to do it that way, but you really should go."  In truth, in that instance the kids were actually going through a phase of being sick often at mom's as they had no bedtimes and she was smoking and drinking a lot and not caring for them, so it was pure projection, but very effective at alienating dad without seeming like she was saying anything bad. 

With the more "tricky" way of alienating, the kids would not say dad was bad, just that mom was nice for "seeing" how they felt and trying to protect them, even though maybe sometimes she was "overprotective." 

But during the more direct blaming times (when she would scream at us, threaten to harm us, etc.), the kids would just reject us, at least in the moment. 

And, after SD14 had a few early experiences with mom raging when she indicated any clear love for me to her mom, she started being more indirect about telling me how much she loves me.  We have always had a great connection, but for years she would show it but always make clear that she loves her mom more, that her mom is better, etc... . which is obvious but not really necessary EVERY time she is appreciating me.  But in mom's mind, she is in direct competition with me. 

Now, SD14 is not doing that.  And, she is being more independent in other ways as well. 

And, it has been a time when mom is really being not nice to me again.  I think I relayed how we are building a room for SD14 so she can have her own room, and how grateful she is.  And that mom recently approached me at a school event and yelled at me for helping build SD14's room, as I am not her mom--all in front of SD14.  When SD14 got home with us, she took me to her half finished room and praised it and me grandly, and said, "Thank you," and kissed me on the cheek.  But is still just as loving with mom in other ways, still totally into the story that her mom is the perfect mom and her best friend. 

Yesterday, SD14 said something amazing.  "My mom is my best friend, and you are my best friend, so I am just lucky that way."  Wow! This is the first time she probably has EVER put me in the same category as mom since she was 7 and told her mom she was starting to love me as a family member, and mom threatened to kill herself or leave if she felt that way.  And this is only a few weeks after mom flipped her lid in public over me being helpful to SD14!

Also, she has been separate from mom in other ways.  Mom wanted dad to pay the fees for shoplifting SD14 got in trouble for while at mom's; dad said he was not willing to do this, but was happy to help SD14 earn the money to pay for it herself.  Mom was furious, rude to DH in public and very angry, telling SD14 how unsupportive dad is.  But SD14 just is seeing it her own way.  She is not blaming him at all, just taking on that it is her job to pay the bill, that she is getting a job (now has a job) and her first earnings will go to pay the bill.  She is cheerful and responsible about it, wanting to take care of her responsibility. 

She also wants to go away to high school.  Mom recently made a pitch that she could go live with her, and work at the school... . this is exactly what we are afraid of, as SD14 has said she wants to live with mom since she was 9, but never really pushed for that once she became of the age mom said she was allowed to choose.  Recently, SD10 has been asking, ":)o you think SD14 REALLY wants to only live with mommy?  Because she does not seem like it.  But she is a lot meaner to you and daddy." 

SD10 reported that when mom suggested that, SD14 said, "NO WAY. That is not happening!  I am going to go to boarding school ALONE!" 

All in all, she seems to be strangely staying just as safe and never questioning mom, just as stuck in the story that mom never ever makes a single mistake, but she is just not needing to agree with her.  This is sort of a miracle to me, and though I hope she does not stick with  a make-believe story about mom, this seems like such a brilliant exit. 

At any rate, I am just really amazed by SD14's ability to have her own opinions and love.  I am wondering if any of you have experienced a child separating from a BPD parent in this way?  And what happened next? 

[PinkieV]

Ennie, this is SO wonderful to hear!  My SS14 is really nice to me, but he's been with TM for three weeks and is due home this Wednesday, and I'm hoping he'll still have a positive attitude.  He hadn't seen her in nine months, and I know she's been filling him up with evil comments about me and his dad this whole time.  He never says too much about her, so we just try to keep our actions and words focused on our family and how we can be good people, and hope he'll let us know if he has any questions.